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Joined: Dec 2004
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Weve had a rough week, i opened his cell bill on wednesday, i had to see if i was right. I was, he talks to my sil everyday @ at 8 when shes on her way 2 work, 1 or twice in the afternoon on his way home from work @ 3:30 and then again @ 4:30 on her way home, sometimes at night too. The conversations are long to, some 12, som 35-40, some an hour even 2 hours. I was shaking.
They talk EVERYDAY!!! Thats not normal. I called my brother he said he didn't want to deall with it. Called my H he said thats it I out of the house. H says i'm mad because hes not like me but he is, we have always had lottery tickets with our birthdays on them and now hers are there (he doesn't know i know that). Thats how it strts right. He says the divorce is happening because he doesn't trust me and can't forgive me. Well no wonder he is preoccupied with her. On sat when i was in the hosp he called her 2 8:30 am talked 35 min then called me, on sat brought mil and dd to see me, he left the room and went to car to talk to her 4 45 min, then said he had a work call and was gone for 3 hours. I told him i opened the mail for me and now that i know i can let him go. He also said all my friends hate me, way to kick a girl when shes down, on meds, just gave birth, just potty trained the 3 yr old and she wants u to come in the potty evrytime, im just frustrated and devastated. my therapist has been out w/the flu so i haven't seen her my last 2 appts.

After all the arguments they still went out 2gether, they my brother, sil and h went to a Toby Keith concert on fri and hockey game/concert on sat, he plowed all sunday. I was alone all weekend.

What do i do, do i just let him go? I love him so much...people make mistakes. i screwed up and i am doing my best to fix that.

help me....
sg

Joined: Aug 1999
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SG,

Ok, calm down. First, just as your H could NOT control your behavior, you cannot control his. What you do is the following:

1. You take good care of yourself. Heal from the birth. Heal emotionally I mean this. Be on the alert for post-partum (sp) depression.

2. You take good care of your new baby and your 3 year old.

3. You lead a life that you would be proud of and I suspect you will find your friends will be there for you.

Finally, start to find the joy in your life and quit focusing on the negative. This is far easier said than done, I realize that. However, you have a new life with you now, enjoy the miracle of it.

When the DNA tests come back some questions will be answered. So realize that those answers are forthcoming and don't worry about them.

As for your H divorcing you, he will if he decides to do that. It seems he is. I am confused exactly where SIL fits in all of this, but I think your brother should be worried. Nevertheless, you should begin to protect yourself and your children, and that means child support should be established, assets split, etc.

If you have not addressed these things, get a lawyer and do so. Your H may come back, but whether he does or not, YOU need to protect the children and you should do it now. Don't TRUST your H to do this. He is hurt, his has lost alot, and he seems to be acting out based on this. So you must realize that these are HIS choices and they may be bad.

Focus on the good in your life, and that means taking good care of yourself, phyically and emotionally. You will have to be strong for yourself and your children no matter how this situation works out.

God Bless,

JL

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SG,
Major hugs going out to you {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am very concerned for your well-being just as JL said, but I am also confused where this SIL mess came in. Had you suspected an affair for a while? You sound like you were looking for something, and I am wondering how long that has been going on? Is your brother just in denial? Going back to Jl"s thoughts though- you have GOT to take care of you and your babies. You 3 are most important right now. Love your H, but from a distance. Sort out all of this other stuff first- including being the best you. I know you are probably so lonely and that was such crap of your H to say that about your friends. I am so so sorry. When are you having the DNA test? You can email me if you want to talk more or if you need someone to talk to on the phone, I will do that for you too.'
adgirl1020@yahoo.com
Take care and I am so sorry.
adgirl48

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Thank you!!!

I only have a few minutes here but I had a two hour IC session today so that helped.

Im not quite sure if its a pa but sure as heck looks like a ea.

Adgirl remember how I wrote that my sil and H are to close...thats what i meant but i only assumed now i am positive.

i will focus on the just the girls and myself. i have to do whats best for us. i know by opening it i did the right thing. i dont regret it.

thank you jl and adgirl, sorry my posts are few and far between, i just havn't quite got the knack of having two yet.

Adgirl i may take you up on that shoulder.

i will be strong! i promise! i do still love him very much...the dna tests will be taken the end of this week and we will know in two weeks.

{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
sg

Joined: Oct 2000
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SG,

I know that I haven't posted to you yet. I've been working on other things, but wanted to post to you now. I don't know if I have any other advice than what you were already given. JL is awesome with that! I just wanted to let you know that Autumn-day won't be around for about a week.

If you look at my sig line, you will notice that I've been through what you are going through. At least it wasn't my SIL, but there was an EA after the PA, and I found out by opening a Christmas card (sent to H 3 YEARS after I found out about the PA!!!!) Unfortunately, it took MY A and subsequent P to give us the kick in the pants, or slap in the face, to make us wake up and see what we were doing to eachother! I can honestly tell you that it was MB that saved our M! My H did a search on the night of HIS D-day, found the site, and read like crazy. He also ordered a couple of the books! Now, the last thing I wish to happen for you is that your H ends up having an OC as well. I know, DNA hasn't been established yet.

I agree with JL and Adgirl, take care of yourself and you little girls! THEY need you the most right now, and then you can work on what you can do to try to save your M. Your H's actions can and very well could be knee-jerk reactions to your A, and not knowing at this time who the baby's bio-father is. Now, your decission is, if he does realize what he's doing, ends the A(no matter if it stays an EA or moves on to a PA), asks for forgiveness from you, will you forgive, and work together with him to rebuild your M in such a way as to keep any further A's away from your M? In your case, I would recommend reading up on the Plan A/B to see if that may help you in a possible reconciliation.

I wish that I could offer you more help, but have felt at a loss of late in my advice to others. Hope you are feeling better soon, and know that you are not alone!

Tigger

Joined: Mar 2003
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Just checking on you Saving Grace. Give us an update when you get a chance.
((((HUGS))))))
adgirl48

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Ok I still here....

Sorry it's just to difficult at this time to get on here alot.

I have to remeber to even breath sometimes.

I believe in my heart that my H and my SIL are not involved physically, I believe in my mind that they are to close and could possible become something that shouldn't. My H is really different though and I don't think he would ever do that to my brother nor to me. My mom says the same thing. This is his best way to hurt me without being invloved with someone and he knows how much it hurts me.

I had to open it though, I don't regret it one bit.

we havn't spoke much since new DD has been born. He has so appropriatly keeps himself busy everyday. He has held her and changed her but he is at such a distance with her.

I talked to a friend that I have that I was myself distancing from because he was in the same situation I was in and didn't really want to get involved, turns out his OW left him high and dry after renting an apt togther. He took a leave from work and really could've used a friend. He was however already dvrcd but it was bcuz of the ow, she was also married. Ironically he told me the same things my H did, that you all do, that I need to work on me before all the other things will fall into place.

We go to the lab to take the dna tests on monday the 28th. I'm nervous but I know it needs to be done. I'm strong enough to handle this.

New dd is doing well, gaining some weight, still not nursing though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , older dd is sick right now (poor angel), she's adjusting i think to the new baby, A little jealous sometimes but for the most part she likes her.

You know if i didn't love him so much this would be so much easier I could just walk away.

Oh u asked if I would forgive him for the realtionship with the SIL, yes I would and I know that we could start over togther. Obviously mc would have to be but it would be good for us, there are things we need to work on.

I just want to believe that everything will be ok.....

{{{{HUGS}}}}} to all of you...
SG

Joined: Mar 2003
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Dear Grace~

I don't know how I missed this yesterday~~sorry.

I don't like the sounds of the R between your H and SIL. There's clearly something going on. (What's up with your brother's reaction? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )

Yet like JL told you, you cannot control your H's choices anymore than he can control yours. So, I say to continue to work on YOU. Being a better you. Read up on Plan A, and do it.

The rest of the advice from JL, Tig and adgirl was excellent too~~hope you're concentrating on the things they mentioned.

I don't need to tell you it was an awful thing he said to you about your friends hating you. Please try not to be discouraged. He's lashing out when he's feeling confronted. Possibly justifing his behavior? Who knows? Again, you can't change him or stop him from LB/DJ'g either. Do what you do have in your power to do~~continue to be a better Grace. Don't get in the mode of trading LBs for LBs...ok?

It will be evident to everyone including your H soon enough that you've changed~~they just need to see consistency for awhile. Besides you must know, any true friend does not hate you, they may hate your past behavior, but not you.

Another thing...the divorced, cheating male friend you mentioned... STEER CLEAR OF HIM. I hear nothing but trouble in that scenario. You don't need friends that badly, trust me on this. Talk to your IC or a female friend. You're more than welcome to email me as well, anytime you like~~aut_day@yahoo.

Take good care of yourself, and those precious babies. Don't waste another minute worrying about things out of your control. Work on you, and love those girls! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugs,
~ad

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Sorry everyone, been a little busy that and someone for to pay the internet bill....

Well I'm not quite sure what to think of the R between the two of them, but believe me I already had reason not to trust her(them)so I still don't. I do however believe that my husband does have really high values and morals and would never do anything like that yet alone to my brother. Would it really ever could it ever be anything, no. My family would hate both of them and her family adores my brother, so needless to say I believ my aunt and mom and therapist when they say he knows how much it would kill me, devastate me without really having a R with anyone. I'm not sure.

We've had a good week actually, he has been really good with Lindsey, distant but good. We should know next week I think who she belongs to. Pray for me...to have the strength to deal with whatever the results are.

On a good note we had a brief talk a couple days ago, he has been nicer then he's been in a long time. He let me go out to get the lottery tickets so that was my chance to ask why her birthdate was on them. The sheets do look old and he said that they have been that way for a long time, he was a little mad he says I'm digging for things that aren't there. We then began to talk how I have no to trust and I am supposed to trust him with everything and that his dad must know about the paternity issue because she is 3 weeks old and hasn't seen her yet.

He said evryone is uncomfortable and doesn't know how to deal with it either. I began to tear up and says why they all hate me anyway.. He made me look up at him and he admitted he made the wrong choice for words. He said they are disappointed, I said no one is more disappointed in myself more then me. He didn't say much more but did show some compassion I guess.

He has also showed me things he wants to do with the house like putting in a wood burning stove, he showed me which one and where he wants to put it and how he wants it to look, as well as a trailer he wants to buy, he brought the brochure up to show me which one. If he didn't care about me why does he care what I think about it?

JL you said to me once expect nothing from, which I have and I seem to see him coming around a bit, just a little....but that's enough for me. My hearts hurts just a little less then.

I will still stay on my toes with my eyes wide open but no accuasations. I will look over plan A and begin immediatley.

As you can see I found some time for me. Little one is sleeping and big one playing with daddy's truck below my feet. Grandma kept all of his toys, I'm sure they worth something now.

H is once again going over to brother and SIL tonight. It's every weekend. My brother is coming over tomorrow to work on her car. We have a bigger garage and more tools.

Mis you guys alot...try and talk more later today..SG {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

PS AD I am staying away from the divorced/cheater, I already feel there is something not right about him....


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