Hi everyone. I feel like I know many of you as I have been reading your posts for the past 9 months. I have gained alot of encouragement from your stories and experiences. I haven't posted before -- I guess because I couldn't bear to share my emotions. But I feel like I need to share my story too.

My story is the same as most of yours -- happily married (or so I thought) with 3 kids, discovered affair, boom! found out OW is pregnant. My emotions have run the gammet as I have read others describe. I have relied on God to get my through the past 9 months and have managed to stay with my husband too. In the process I was competely betrayed by my 3 closest friends and our family was forced to move several states away to live with my family. (Thus my reluctance to post in this board and expose my emotions) During these past few months I thought I had prepared myself and was considering contact, etc. with OC. All along I was secretly hoping the baby would be her boyfriend's not my H. However, the baby was born yesterday and it obviously is not OW boyfriend's child (boyfriend is black and my husband is white). We are still having a paternity test and as much as I wish there is a secret third person, the reality is there isn't and the test will only confirm he belongs to my husband. I feel so different than I thought I would -- I am furious with God, feel like he has really let me down; I hate the OW and OC and won't them to fall of the face of the earth; I never want to see that OC; I don't want my children to learn that they have a half-sibling because the way I grew up that equates to being trash.; I don't want to be married to this man anymore now that someone else has had one of his children. He can't say that he will have no contact and I can't live with him having contact. From my perspective, even if he spends 5 minutes with OC that is 5 minutes he didn't spend with us! He and I have been together for over 15 years (5 years dating and 10 years married). He is the only man I have ever loved. It breaks my heart that I feel now I have to quit but I do. And of course OW gets what she wants to break up my marriage and have H care about her son!

Anyway -- thanks for letting me post and vent.

Beth

Beth,
Sorry to hear that you are in the same boat as the rest of us. I don't need to tell you how wonderful this place is because you have been haning around a lot longer thean I have. I know just the way you feel never wanting to see OW or OC. I have gone back and forth about c/nc. H seems to be having a hard time giving up OW. It all sucks and many times I have wanted to say stop, back up the bus , I don't like the way things are heading. There have been other days where I have wanted to drive that bus right over OW! I have also been furious with God. I am not a very religious person and before this happened my relationship with him was shakey at best. This hasn't helped. There have been nights when I have begged him to make this all go away.

I am not very good at trying to find the words to make people feel better, but you sound like a strong women. You have delt with this for 9 month with 3 kids and a move! Wow! It is just me some fish and a guinae pig (now a dog just got last night)and some days I don't think I can do it. If you need to talk I am around all weekend (I'm at work). Hang in there !

B.~

Hi Trying,

I am sorry that you have to find yourself on a site such as this. But as you have seen, this site offers more then just advice, it offers support and willing eyes and ears for a person who is stuggling with infidelity. I know how you are feeling in regards to the OC right now. I posted last night to another poster about the feelings towards to the OC. (Please understand that I have been where you have been!!!! My advice or suggestions are NO way to offend you at all) As a BW, we all feel the betrayel and hurt daily. There are things that "trigger" our emotions back to DDAY and the struggles we went through trying to make sense of WHAT exactly happened to us. I found out OW was pregnant 3 days after DDAY. I was a COMPLETE mess. My whole life seemed to crumble beneath my feet and I couldn't do anything but stand there and watch all my dreams be torn away. I had to make the decision whether or not to tell my family or hide behind the mask I have worn for years. So I didn't tell my family for a long time. Throughout the pregnancy, I found myself FIGHTING with a demon inside my head telling me I was worthless and this OW won. Then I realized something, she hasn't won. She lost. Yes, she has a child with my H, but if you look at the big picture, she won nothing. I believe all children are gifts but look at the OW's life (no offense to OWS who tend to BLOW up when BW's speak their minds) She is pregnant by a married man (HIGHLY UNACCEPTABLE BY SOCIETY!). She didn't get the married man. She will be a single parent having to deal with contact or no contact. A two parent home makes raising a child so much easier. Yet with OWs, they don't have that (unless they are married). Some OWs will say that they aren't embarrassed by having an OC, but I think deep down inside, they are. I mean, how would you feel about going out into public and having ?'s asked. What are you suppose to say? Well, ACTUALLY, I was a S*** and slept with a married man and got pregnant. He didn't leave his wife and now this is my child who really doesn't have a dad. Do you think many people accept this? No, they will be nice but inside they are thinking, wow, you're a winner.
As for the OC, we have contact. I was soooooo torn when it came to meeting the little one for the first time. I didn't know if I could do it. I was scared, angry and upset. Then he was here in our home. Like I posted before, when I saw him for the first time, every angry thought about HIM melted. Trust me, I still was angry about OW and all the crap she was trying to pull. We have had him numerous times after that and I just love him being here. I am expecting my first one in June so it makes me more anxious to hold my little man in my arms for the first time.
Its hard. It really is. Its chosing to leave and start a fresh life in a way or chosing to stick through and make things work. That is where you come into play. YOU ARE the ONLY one that can make the decision. Not your H or your family. YOU! You know you are strong because you have dealt with it for awhile. You do what is best for YOU and NO ONE ELSE (well your little ones!)
But I can tell you that if you stay with your H, and have contact, it will be rewarding. I know you say, YEAH RIGHT! It isn't fair because the OW gets to talk with him about the little one and blah blah. Yes, that is hard when I know my H has to call OW and talk about OC but then I realize how sad her life must really be. Good Luck! If you need anything, post!! my email--meganluvsmike2002@Yahoo.com

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: Hurt5-04 ]</small>

Your reactions & feelings are normal. Everyone acts differently.

Take it one day @ a time. Breathe. Try to get out daily for some form of excercie, even if it's just a walk around the block. IT will help clear your mind & you need to have your mind as clear & rational as possible to make some hard decisions ahead.

I disagree that C will be rewarding. It CAN be but there are no guarantees.

FOCUS on your MARRIAGE first. Read everything here on this site if you haven't already.

C or NC is a very individual decision. BE honest about it. IT will take an extra measure of strength, patience & will to make it work. NOt to mention the COURTS.

That is the first thing you MUST know. IF C is decided as BEST for your marraige & family then it must be done legal. IT MUST be. That will help to LIMIT the problems alhtough NOT eliminate them.

If you don't want S then fine, you must discuss it w/ your H & coem up w/a POJA you can BOTH live w/. IT is a hard choice & many 9as you must ahve seen here) have made different decisions & go on to live their lives & their marraige not only survive but thrive.

YES, OC is innocent but so are yoru children & so are YOU. THink about this & be honest w/ yourself.

What does H say? HE can't force you & you can't force him. IT has to be an agreement BOTH of you can live w/.

Focus on the marriage for right now. Wait for DNA & NC w/ OW until necessary.

Big hugs to you. Sorry to welcome you to THIS board.

sincerely,
kt

(((((((((Beth)))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. Try reading After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring. Most counselors say Make NO big decisions when you are in such emotional termoil. Give yourself time. You are grieving a huge loss, and it's hard to say where you'll "be" on the other side. (In other words, stay together for now and keep working on the marriage to every extent possible)

Meanwhile, take very gentle, loving good care of yourself. Have a safe place to rage or cry safely, exercise, journal, sleep when you can, eat and drink. Our most basic needs fly out the window when we're THIS upset.

Best wishes,
J
6+y recovery and glad I stayed.

Hi, I just wanted to say a coupld of thing.
IMHO, I wouldn't make any decisions about what you can or can't handle at this point. Itdoes sound like your H wants C and if you want to stay with him, you'd have to accept this. There are many ways to have C and a POJA would be very beneficial here. You may find at some point that you just can't do it, but you never know.

Also, don't ever let yourself feel like the oW has won. If you stay, she has not won. You have your H and HIS child can be a part of YOUR family. It's a lot to ask someone, but she does not have to be a part of your life in any significant way. If you leave you will be giving up something you that you don't want and IF he goes to her she will have your leftovers and 9 times out of 10 he won't be any better to her than he was to you. Or, if he does change they will soon realize that their relationship was built on deception and when reality hits, it will be over.

I know how you feel I have 3 children of my own. I wish to God this never happened, but it has. We will have C. I have ideas on what and what will not be acceptable. I will make these known to my H and we will go from there. I think whatever decision the BW and WH make concerning C is an acceptable one in this situation, but it has to be agreed upon by both parties in order to work.

I hear you pain about allowing this child into your life, but try not to think of it as allowing HER to be a part of your life. This is your H child and it may be possible for the two of you to bond with this child keeping that in mind and not focusing on the FOW. Good Luck in your decisions, you are stronger than you know.

I know you want to sit in the corner and lick your wounds. But, honey. You can't. You need to do a few things that will pay off in the end.

1. Like KT said. Take breath and calm down. You need to take care of you first here.

now, that done. Get thee to an attorney and get some advice. What are the child suport laws in your state? Look into filing for a legal separation for now, getting child support set up for your children in place. Some states, the first to courts, gets more. Should you work this out (we will get to that later), you have protected family finances for the family it was intended. If finances are tight, you can go for a one time consultation. Knowledge is power here. So take the time and learn where you are at, and what is best for you and your children. If your husband gets upset at any of this, you CALMLY tell him that you are looking out for you and your children right now. Make sure you are aware of all $$ in accounts, etc. Make sure he is not spending one dime on ow/oc until dna is established. Even then, anything above cs and you can nail him. Father or not, those are marital assets and he can't give her nickle without your approval. Secure the finances now. I know it sounds harsh, but it the reality of your existance. You don't want the tail to be wagging the dog here now. So, as much as you want to hide and cry. GET UP AND GET MOVING TO PROTECT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. Even if you end up working this out, you still protected finances and cold as it sounds, it is necessary.

Now for your marriage. Start writing a journal. I know what you say and what you feel right now. But don't make any rash decisions, quite yet. Nothing until you are firmly in a solid grasp of finances, etc. TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN FIRST!!!!

KT is right about POJA. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss this oc. If he wants contact and you don't, you have a problem(hence it was important to get your finances set up FIRST so you and yours are covered FIRST). That was a deal breaker for me too. I did not want contact, and my h agreed.

Lots of things can happen in the near future.

1. The ow can start pressuring your husband and it will irritate him and he realize that losing you and your family isn't worth it.

2. He may SAY he wants contact, but using POJA realizes that he doesn't want to lose you.

3. YOU may decide that contact isn't as bad as you thought..it may go smoothly.

4. YOU may decide....ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO CALM DOWN....that this is to much and want out.

No matter what happens, the plans you make now will protect you in the future. Get to the laywer quick. If he knows of your feelings about no contact and he is still planning on contact, that is disrespectfull to you and your healing process. VERY WISE to get all your ducks lined up and protect family assets..have him sign over the house to you to protect it from ow/oc. Stuff like that. You really need to speak to an attorney.

Also, you will survive this. I promise. No matter what, you will be ok. You just have to understand that it takes time. It will not be fixed in a week. It takes time to get used to it and to decide what is best for you. I think it would be wise to call the Harleys for some advice. They are the most knowledgeable people as far as this goes.

And please please please, do not let ANYONE bully you into anything you don't want. This is your life. You need to be strong for your children. Let them know they have one parent they can count on!!

Don't ever ever believe that the oc is the only innocent one who matters. You and your children are just as innocent and your needs/wishes are just as vital. It is wrong for the oc needs to supercede those of you and your children.

But honey, you need to stand up now and get moving. Get your finances in order, get all legalities figured out, spend time learning your rights, etc. Be proactive right now. You will have time later for your much deserved tear fest...but by then, you probably won't need it!!!


Hold your head high. YOU are not the bad one here. Your husband and the ow are the ones who created this mess. It is not up to you to fix it or make it easy for them. You do what is best for you. Also, when faced with losing his wife and children....for real....you may be surprised at his reaction.

Keep reading and keep posting. There are lots of wise women here. Some with contact, some with none. Some had it and stopped it, others didn't have it and started it. It will be entirely up to you. That is one thing you have on your side. What you and your husband decide is none of her business. She may have a child, but she is not part of your marriage. So if you do decide to have contact, she can't do a thing about it. The courts will set up visitation, etc. If you choose no contact, she can't force it on you either. No matter what, you and your husbnad call all the shots now. She has no input at all. All she did was birth a child. She has no control over what you and your husband chose to do. Doesn't sound like a winner to me.

Hurt that was a good point:
"Then I realized something, she hasn't won. She lost. Yes, she has a child with my H, but if you look at the big picture, she won nothing. I believe all children are gifts but look at the OW's life (no offense to OWS who tend to BLOW up when BW's speak their minds) She is pregnant by a married man (HIGHLY UNACCEPTABLE BY SOCIETY!). She didn't get the married man. She will be a single parent having to deal with contact or no contact. A two parent home makes raising a child so much easier. Yet with OWs, they don't have that (unless they are married). Some OWs will say that they aren't embarrassed by having an OC, but I think deep down inside, they are. I mean, how would you feel about going out into public and having ?'s asked. What are you suppose to say? Well, ACTUALLY, I was a S*** and slept with a married man and got pregnant. He didn't leave his wife and now this is my child who really doesn't have a dad. Do you think many people accept this? No, they will be nice but inside they are thinking, wow, you're a winner."

Lots to add about how they have to explain to the OC and "friends" about how the child came to be...... How do you think the OC will feel having to explain this away because his/her parents were idiots, that didnt think ahead.

I could go on but I will leave it at that.

Beth,
I just wanted to add some comments...
For me, it's been a little more of a year past DDay ... and it is just now that I'm starting to feel better ... healing wounds take time ... lots of time ...
May I suggest you get counseling for yourself?
I knew that I needed someone to talk about everything that was happening ...
I don't have lots of friends anymore ... just a couple of real ones ... even when I'm still hurt about their reactions, I'm not mad at them anymore ... I just pray none of them will have to go through an affair, much less an OC ... but if they do, I know I will be there for them to offer my shoulder ...

A couple of weeks after H left, I got a counselor ... a catholic-divorced counselor ... she's being my God's sent Angel ...
I too was mad with God ... and I felt bad because I was mad and angry but I couldn't help it ... I went through all the whys ... why me? why now? why do God let something like this happen? why? why?
My counselor helped me alot with that especially understanding the feelings against God ... and how to channel them into getting a more closer relationship with God ... I'm no longer mad with God ... I do feel closer and more spiritual ... I still don't understand some of the whys ... only time will tell ...
Hang in there! If possible read the "Power of a Praying Wife"

Mily, I also read that book and it was wonderful and really helpful. If anything positive has come out of this year it has been that I have developed a closer realtionship w/ God, and of course this baby that I am carrying.