So I've had a pretty rough few days, with what feels like a whole lot of developments.

After disclosing everything to our boss earlier this week (OW and I work together), discussing the need for drastic NC with OW, and considering our company's current needs and the structure of our department in particular, my boss offered to transfer me to Iowa or South Carolina. Given the needs of my kids who'd be left behind in Michigan, that doesn't feel like a practical solution. So the next solution, formally presented Friday, was that I will be downsized, with my responsibilities mainly rolled up into OW's job -- I won't be replaced. The fact is, either one of us could do all the work of these two jobs with a larger but still reasonable schedule at work. Because she is pregnant, she's not a legally viable choice to be downsized in this case, even though he clearly expressed that I have consistently showed more ambition, have ruffled many fewer feathers, and that her work I'd have to absorb is much less complicated and time intensive than my current duties, which she'll have to now learn without my help. I think he sees the problems with her and her more extreme behavior, and has asked me more than once, "is she stable?" He now knows she lied to everyone including him about the cancer last fall. He mentioned that he thought she may reconsider her "I'm never leaving" approach to the job when she sees just how much more work she'll now have to do, but she is very well compensated and I don't think she'll let that fat paycheck go. He's being very generous in terms of the transition period and wage continuation while I look for another job, and offered to write a glowing recommendation as well as work his network to see what other opportunities are out there.

I've got my name in with one great recruiter with a line on several good jobs, including one for which I've already been through the first round of interviewing and they expressed a lot of interest in me (with no other candidates at the moment). It's a great company, great people, great upward potential, and well compensated. The problem is it's over an hour away from here, and I'd likely have to move or rack up a whole lot of mileage on my stupid leased car. (Last lease ever, that's for sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

So all this takes shape with our first friend-of-the-court meeting Monday at 11 AM. My attorney is concerned about the negative spin the opposing counsel could put on all this, protraying it as an effort to avoid CS (which it DEFINITELY is not -- it's a downsizing based on my boss's determination to save money and end the soap opera which will achieve total NC, and I'm aggressively seeking new comparable employment). We were unable to reach my W's attorney Friday, and I was concerned about blind-siding my W Monday morning with this news as we sat down at the meeting. So I called her today to discuss transferring the kids (who stayed overnight with me last night) and asked if her attorney was coming to the meeting or if she'd talked to her, because there were some late-breaking developments. Of course, that didn't fly well, so I ended up telling her the news today. She took it OK, and flat out asked me if it was my idea or my boss's -- I told her it was his, which is true. She was concerned. She was very accomodating about the fact that my schedule and even my living arrangements could change a lot in the next several weeks, and would be flexible in terms of parenting time schedules.

Somehow, from there I told her about four days of NC now, and the fact that I was going to soon write a NC letter to OW that I wanted my W to read and mail herself at my expense, so she'd know it was really going to OW. I ended up going through my three-point list of reasons (as seen in the "baby on the way" thread) why I wanted to pursue JC with her. I told her I understood that this was only a few days of action and a whole lot of talk, but I wanted her to know what I've been up to in terms of all this and how seriously I take NC for my own well being, as well as a realization that it is the necessary first step in any potential reconciliation, and that OW has done nothing but make me more resolved to NC thanks to her flaky actions this week.

I didn't ask for an answer about JC any time soon, and said I'd have preferred to have talked about this in a month, when I'd have had more real action to bring to the table. But it all sort of came out today, and she left it very neutrally. I didn't get any sense of hope or optimism or anything from her. She acknowledged that NC was issue one... but that leads to issue two, three, four, five, etc. I said I understood that, but it has to start with a serious step, which I'm taking and committed to. I gushed about this site and forum, told her how insightful and helpful it's been for me, and again encouraged her to come by, because I believe Harley's way is definitely the approach I'd like to take and would hold myself to it to a T without exception.

So somehow this has left me pretty cold. Not less resolved, not less congnizent of the vulnerability I still have facing OW, but discouraged that she seemed so utterly underwhelmed. I felt like I poured out my heart to her as well as I could given the restraining order, and she simply listened politely and left it as "well, see you Monday." My W never said she didn't care, or wasn't open to this leading to JC. I guess I need to take on my rejection instinct head-on, and instead of imagining that she just doesn't care, that I've maybe given her a lot to think about.

I have some ideas about the NC letter based on Harley's Q&As, but I'd appreciate advice about that. And any feedback on what to do next, if I screwed this up somehow, and so on.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

One phone call, unanswered, from OW today. No message to delete, fortunately. I know she's aware of what's going on, because our boss has drastically altered her work arrangements for the next few weeks to ensure total NC.

I've ordered a new personal cell phone and will be returning this company phone as soon as it arrives, so hopefully by Tuesday she won't be able to call anymore. My goal is to have the NC letter completed by Wednesday night, to give it to my W when we exchange the kids after my parenting time.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

Still plunking away.

Here is my first draft of my NC letter.

----------------------
This letter is to notify you of my intentions and expectations related to the total and final end of our relationship. After months of mistakes, soul-searching, reflection, and therapy, I have concluded that everything about our past relationship was a grave mistake. There were never feelings of true mutual love for one another by either of us. We were simply caught up in a very typical and common pattern of emotions and responses. These emotions we experienced and actions we took were predictable, unhealthy, immoral, immeasurably painful to our families, and without lasting meaning. From this day forward, our places are either with our spouses or, should either of our marriages eventually end in divorce, with someone else in a relationship born in honesty and not deceit. Though I intend to whole-heartedly seek restoration of my injured marriage and family, should that fail to succeed there will never be any future for us together under any circumstances.

I ask you to please respect my request that there be no further contact between us in person, by telephone, by email, or by post. Any future issues that need to be pursued should be handled through my attorney, _____, who can be contacted by telephone at ______ or via email at ______.
-----------------

I couldn't find any NC letter drafts on the MB site -- the search function is a little buggy tonight. Thoughts?

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

Hang in there. YOU are doing great & I'm glad that you spoke to your W w/o the attorneys, this is pretty personal stuff.

I think she handled it as to be expected. Giving you no signs to what she is thinking, maybe trying to make you squirm & wonder. Also maybe to simply 'take it all in' & see what REALLY develops.

Good job of NC. Keep it up. Don't give in & stay strong. Tuff break about the job. But the other prospects sound promising.

Try to get out & get some fresh air, take your mind off of things or @ least keep your mind clear & rational.

************************
************************
I remember when my H made his 'true' confession (years later) my immediate response was one of only a deep breath. No response. It took a few days for everything to settle in & the 'words' to take effect. Then I became VERY angry.

My point is: her 'no response' to your words does not mean that it will continue to be 'no response', I think she is just digesting everything, reviewing & weighing her options. THese things take time & you WILL have to earn her trust again. Not just trust about A & OW but trust that you DO care about her & the kids. Trust that you DO value your marriage. Trust that she has a reason to get her hopes up. kwim? 'emotional trust'

These thigns TAKE time.

Continue w/ the Harleys (have you started?) even if it's just individually right now.

Stay Strong.
kt

I've never dealt w/ NC letters or anything (except when it came to NC in regards to OC) but the only thing I woudl suggest is in the parts that mention the 'feelings' in yoru relationship w/ OW that you change it to I instead of we. Do you know what I am talking about?

Lost wrote:
There were never feelings of true mutual love for one another by either of us. We were simply caught up in a very typical and common pattern of emotions and responses. These emotions we experienced and actions we took were predictable, unhealthy, immoral, immeasurably painful to our families, and without lasting meaning.

I would change to:
I never had feelings of true love for you. I was simply caught up in a very typical & common pattern of emotions & responses. THe emotions I experienced & the actions I took were predictable, unhealthy, blahblhablhablahblahblahblah ect.......

get my drift?

I guess a NC letter is a good idea.........not for me though. I don't like the idea one bit, but that's just me.

What do you think?

kt

NC letter sounds pretty good but I'd suggest starting a thread on the General Questions II forum if you REALLY want it critiqued. They are masters at that over there!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here's a link with some sample letters and suggestions,,,,,

Sample NC Letters

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

Thanks for the encouragement, kt. Flukeboy is gone for the weekend, so I'm kind of flying solo tonight with a million thoughts running through my head. Like I mentioned, it's my own propensity to think the worst that sees her lack of response as more than what it very likely is -- simply a lot to process, pretty much out of the blue.

The way my boss left it, depending how things play out in the next few weeks, a different outcome could result. He's always said he's totally satisfied with my work performance -- even through all this drama, the work never suffered -- and very appreciative of my honesty, especially relative to OW. In any event, I don't feel like I've burned any bridges there. But total NC, meaning one of us no longer works there, is the only acceptable solution, and what we've discussed is certainly the most likely outcome.

I know what you mean about the NC letter too. I was very against it earlier this week, but Flukeboy planted the seed about it, and as things developed I now think it's necessary. First, it lays the foundation for a restraining order should it ever become necessary. Second, though not less important to me, it allows my W to see exactly how clear I've been with OW and how permanent I intend this NC to be, and again allows her to mail it herself to know that it's been sent. I'd also consider it a draft, which I'd be willing to change in any way she saw fit. As long as it wasn't just adding a lot of profanity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 08:26 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

Thanks Nerly, I'm checking it out now!

And I've just posted my latest draft for their consideration at GQII.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 08:08 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

For what it's worth, I wish my H had written a NC letter.

When I discovered his affair I was not aware of Marriage Builders, the theories or concepts. I mean, I had no reason to research infidelity on the internet,,, afterall,,my H would NEVER do anything like that,,right?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My H ended the affair by calling her on the phone asking me to be on the other line. He merely told her it was over, he would not be seeing her or contacting her anymore. I found MB about a month after I discovered the affair. I read about NC letters and asked him if he would write one. He said he'd do it but it seemed rather foolish to recontact her again after he'd already said he wouldn't and she had not made ANY attempt to reconnect with him. I reluctantly agreed.

But it sure would have made me feel better (and perhaps heal faster) had he told her HE was sorry he had hurt me & his family, HE made a poor decision by having an affair, that he loved me and his kids and HE was going to actively persue repairing and recovering his relationship with me. A far sight better than "so long,,you won't be hearing from me anymore!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ok, you got me there nerly. THe last part makes TOTAL sense to me.

Kindof that whole, stick up for US thing. @ least from my POV.

Seems many WH are always so concerned for OW feelings & NOT making waves. I USED to say to H frequently.....WHEN are you gonna stick up for US....what about MY feelings...what I want.....Because he woudl NOT say ANYthing to OW about the base comments she had made to ME & in front of our kids! ughhh!!

SO glad we aren't dealing w/ THAT anymore!!! WHEW!

Ok, lost, you've got my vote now! (not that you needed it) LOL

kt

kt, you're right about the strange fear of "making waves" with the OW. I don't know what it is exactly. On the one hand, it's a fear of what she could be capable of doing in response -- approaching or harassing my family, etc.

But if I'm brutally honest with myself, in my case at least I think it's ultimately about keeping a toehold on the fence. I think a letter like this will get me off the fence once and for all.

As for getting out and about, that's what I'm up to tonight -- hanging out at the coffee shop sponging off the free wireless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Beats sitting up in my room alone with the TV. No cable. I gotta work on that with my sister. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Man. Tonight it's hard to be patient about this. I really want to call my W or go over and talk about some of this. But I know it's way too early in the process... and too late at night, of course.

Guess I'll head for my room, kick off my shoes, and try to watch a movie or something.

79 hours NC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"I guess I need to take on my rejection instinct head-on, and instead of imagining that she just doesn't care, that I've maybe given her a lot to think about."


Hey Lost--I want to encourage you about your wife. I cannot speak for her, but as a BS, I'll give you my example. After "__" years of marriage and "__" kids---trust me, she cares.

My DDay was 1 week before my military H was sent on an overseas tour. One of the s***y-est weeks of my life (and I've lost 4 pregnancies)!! When I took him to his plane, I did not even hug him. He was extremely hurt by that, but I needed him to know how hurt I was, and that I wasn't going to be a doormat no matter how hounddog he looked at that moment.

Your wife might feel similar: like YOU see how it feels to be rejected (that's how she felt that you strayed!). How long was yer A? Need to spend at LEAST that long working on your marriage, right?! And then some. Fake it til ya make it. Authors say 2years to A recovery, and that's without a child involved.

I also agree with KT, that your concrete actions and wooing her with all you've got will *get* to her best. Have to be patient and boldly loving. Love is a verb, an action verb. You are Plan A-ing her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Of COURSE she's hesitant to give you any corner of her heart now---you smashed it to bits and JUMPED on the pieces!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Good luck!! I really do like to see marriages saved. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 12:24 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Thanks for the encouragement, Jenny. Like my friend here Flukeboy keeps telling me, I need to work a lot on myself before I can really bring anything to the table for her. So that's kind of where I need to focus for the immediate future -- making the right choices, sticking to NC vigorously, and working in my therapy and alone time to reflect on who exactly I want to be, whether or not my W ever wants to reconcile.

It's just hard. I miss her a lot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost71:
<strong> Like my friend here Flukeboy keeps telling me, I need to work a lot on myself before I can really bring anything to the table for her. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with FB. My H has spent many years giving himself "false" encouragement. Like, "I deserve to be happy." "I need this for myself."
"If wife doesnt' find out, then no one gets hurt."

It took a good year of intense (and expensive) counseling to get to where he feels good about our family and marriage. His self-esteem was the pits! The counselor made him realize he had to do this for the RIGHT reasons. Not to get me back, but to get himself back. If he could become a better husband, friend, and father, then he could offer me something truly different. We were separated for about 6 mos.

Additionally, I was VERY skeptical about his counseling. I had the attitude of "WHATEVER!!" (hand up in his face, very ghetto-ish!!)
"Been there....done that".....

Good luck,

ent

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: entwifejmr ]</small>