Well, once you have all your legal paperwork signed.......the courts will send an official copy to the home address of each participant.

That might be the time that the 'info' comes out & it won't be anyone's 'fault' how it came out. kwim?

Yes, the W should know, NO I do not think it should come from you SW.

It's very hard to discern the 'truth' in these situations & each side (MM & OW) accuse each other of lying ALL the time. ANYthing that you say to the W, could result in that. Then who knows what could happen.

I've learned that there are pretty much 3 sides to these stories, His, Hers & the truth!

Sad but true. Then there are always these 'truths' that we assume were implied but maybe technically were never said so it gets all GREY. kwim?

Not to change the subject but it would appear suspect coming from you. IMO & if MM is not being honest w/ his W, I doubt a revelation from you would help. I think he would just spin it into 'psycho ow' type of junk. kwim?

This is just what I think.
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What if his W found out & did leave him/kick him out? Would you go back w/ him? Is that something that you would hope for? (asked out of sincere curiosity)

hang in there hunny bunny,
kt


eta: for atrocious typing! sheese! lol

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

KT excatly! Thank you that is what I was trying to say.

What if his W found out & did leave him/kick him out? Would you go back w/ him? Is that something that you would hope for? (asked out of sincere curiosity)

Hard questions, indeed.

At this particular point, I would not be interested in being 2nd best or to think that the only reason he was with me is so that he wouldn't have to pay 2 child support payments at the time.

I have never wanted him to leave her for me per se. But I did want him to consider leaving a bad situation if it was indeed as he stated it was. But of course, its never as they state, right?

needtomoveon,

I don't think we disagree. I'm sure any BW would much rather have her H tell her about the affair and pregnancy/OC rather than hearing it from the OW,,or ANY other source.

But, if he's not going to confess, hearing it from SOMEONE,,ANYONE, anywhere is better than not knowing at all.

As a BW who just got a phone call from a OW I agree it is best coming from H, but they will lie until they can't lie anymore. Did I question OW motives? Absolutely! Did I react violently, or hatefully to her? No. I actually told her that I respected her finally being honest w/ me after the years of lying. I would rather know the truth then continue trying to bust my a** trying to save a marriage that isn't worth saving. H finally did confirm every bit of her story.

First of all, let me come in here late and say.... BlackRio/Stormy- I am very very confident that you have made an EXCELLENT decision for you and for your children. I know this was very hard, indeed, and I hope you stick to what you KNOW is the only answer--- GETTING OUT OF THIS dysfunctional, illicit relationship with this MM.

I cannot stress to you enough, that your life was and is heading nowhere but to h*ll in a hand basket. Your situation is something that movies are made of, and I do not think you will be happy playing the star anymore.

Onto the BW--- my Lord I cannot imagine the grief and the shock this woman is going to suffer to begin with. I am dumb founded that this man is able to keep this so far hidden. You, as the mother of OC, have a REAL and bona fide reason now to want this all in the light and resolved.

What about this scenario, Stormy---- you can wait and wait for the MM to bring this to the surface...

However, the LONGER you go on with this hiding and this LIVING A LIE w/YOUR BABY.. the LESS likely the MM and BW will EVER be involved in your child's life. You are in fact hindering the chances, each day that you allow this scheme to go on-- IMO. Ending it with MM is the first step, and again I congratulate you-- but you MUST get things in order to bring this out. This MM is making it worse the longer time goes on.

How will you child feel ONCE she is old enough to have an attachment to her father--- and know him-- AND BAM there is the d-day or MM reveals this-- and it becomes that messy chaotic life that you have read about so many times for the OW/BW/MM/OC/BC--- the chances are great that he will duck out of her life if it gets too crazy in his home.

Does he have other children? Just curious.

WOW... I wish you the best of luck Stormy- you are going to need it. STAY STRONG- the life you have with this MM is NOT LIVING!!!!!!

Post deleted by Blackrio

Gio I agree with that. STart a relationship but when D Day happens things change. Stormy it sounds good, but just prepare yourself. When D day hits you never know what they will do next.
Stormy I know it is hard, stay strong girl. If you need to vent I'm here for you. you've got my email address.

Post deleted by Blackrio

Stormy it sounds to me like he is trying to stay entangled in your life as well as your daughters.
I think you need to set some legal visitation and ground rules.
Do you feel safe letting him take her outside your home? If so then, have him pick her up for an hour or 2 and you do something for yourself.
I think he is using the baby to stay involved in your life. I think if you make it as difficult as possible to see you, then things will change.
You said in another post that he knows how to get to you. I think this is his way of trying to get you back to the way things were. He is a cake man. Put some hot peppers in that cake so he will stay away from you and you can get on with your life.
Your doing great, Just dont give in.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nerlycrzy:
<strong> needtomoveon,

I don't think we disagree. I'm sure any BW would much rather have her H tell her about the affair and pregnancy/OC rather than hearing it from the OW,,or ANY other source.

But, if he's not going to confess, hearing it from SOMEONE,,ANYONE, anywhere is better than not knowing at all. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with you 100%.

Thanks for the support, Lori.

Because of the recent posts regarding the questioning of why xOWs choose to post here and for what purpose and the fact there are those BSs who find my type of postings upsetting, I will refrain from posting about my progress or lack of on this particular forum. I will continue this dialogue on www.otherchildren.com where this open type of discussion between xOWs and BSs is welcome.

However, when possible I will try and give advice in areas that I do have experience such as in the CS and custody arenas. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wish every one you the very best no matter what circumstances you are going through.

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Blackrio ]</small>

Stormy,

I hope you do take mine and Mary's advice-- and that of many many others. Whatever you are establishing now can and will change when the wife finds out. period. And, if he was not going to allow anyone, including his wife, to interfere with what he wants out of life, love and fatherhood--- he would not have 2 women and 2 separate little famlies right now, would he?????

He has no clue of how bad things are going to get when exposure happens. I don't say this to scare you or to be negative. I say this because this woman believes her and her husband have a family consisting of the two of them and their baby daughter. WOW what the heck is going to erupt when she finds she is not the only "spouse" he has with a baby daughter??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ... ugh... and to top if off, he is supporting you so much financially in all ways in all of these arrangements for paying for phones, car, etc etc.... this is going to be chaos.

Please, whatever you do, make sure that you have things worked out properly NOT JUST FOR FINANCIAL reasons, but for the sake of your daughter having her father yanked out of her life out of no where.

Not to mention, do you have any ida how you are going to feel about the wife being a stepmother to your little one (if and whenm- seems hypothetical and far off, but is it really?)...

I do hope things can smooth out for you, and that you can do what you need in order to secure you childrens future --- and I dont mean financially. Whatever lifestyle, relationships, etc. that you are showing your children has to change. You may not agree with that -- but your children deserve somewhat of a "normal" life-- not like your family has shown you-- not like your MM is living-- not like the life of a secret OW and child.

Take care and I do hope you stick to your guns girl!!!!!!!

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

This mans wife has a right to know that marital funds are supporting another woman. You may be entitled to cs, but I bet she would have quite a say in what $$ left her home to support you.

Not to mention that he may agree to this, but when she gets wind of you and your child, no judge in the land is going to disagree when all that financial windfall you are getting is taken away from you. Get real. Get this done properly. Take what is legally yours and move on. The way this is set up, you are in for a world of hurt, as is your daughter. When his wife finds out all of this, hell will be your reality. He can pretend that all will be fine, that he can maintain two, but get real. If he didn't care so much for what she felt/thinks he wouldn't be doing so much to hide you and your child.

Get this taken care of in a more responsible and realistic manner. The way this is done right now is worthless and a bomb waiting to blow up.

This is 2005 how can you not have your own phone? Why can't you pay your own bills? If he pays for your car, guess what? She can take it.
Whatever he pays for is hers too. She can literally take it from you.

Don't be so naive, and so greedy. Get the child support and move on. Pay your own bills and if his wife finds out after he is served, so be it. I think you don't want her to know cause your gravy train will come to an end.

Think of your child. Cause when this blows, she will pay the price. There isn't a court in the land that is going to enforce this financial agreement. It looks like extortion to keep this from the wife. You will end up with cs, and lose everything else. Your daughter will more then likely lose a father cause he will be busy trying to patch things with his wife. When she catches the agreement, she will assume, right or wrong that you were forcing his hand financially. That is how it will look in the courts too. You will be owing them.

I have said this to many a BW. Do things LEGALLY. Your deals may be with an attorney, but as long as he is married, he can't be promising so much, cause that is not HIS to give away. She will have quite a say in it. You are really in a dangerous situation. And if you think ow are not held liable for thier actions, financially, speak to the ow in our life. She just took a huge hit at the sale of her house, having to pay our law firm. HUGE. Her standard of living is now reduced to dang near poverty. The courts will correct this farce in the future. Personally, it looks like he is trying to buy you to keep you and your child away from his family. That pretty much spells disaster in the making.

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: LynnG ]</small>

Yes, Lynn... geesh I didn't even think of what you just said...

These "Agreements" cannot possibly hold up in any court of law, BECAUSE the WIFE not only works a lot (according to Stormy)... but even if she did not-- this huge amount of help and funds given to her is WIFE'S too !!! Wow.. I know this but I didnt really think ---- how in the heck can he hold up any agreement after OC is exposed, since this is all coming from marital funds?

OH MY I just got some twinge inside of me -- like I think I would truly, literally comit murder if I was this guy's wife... how do people EVER control the anger she is going to unleash??????? ugh... I'm so glad my life is boring now.

Then- IF there has been no paternity established legally..... the W will probably insist on it.. and thus the "gravy" (child support and paying of Stormy's bills) will cease. Also, it will take the courts some time to do DNA, etc... if they go to court, which the W will insist.

However--SHE HAS TO BE TOLD ONE WAY OR ANOTHER AND GET THIS MESSY SITUAION under control because OC is young now -- it will be waaaaaay WORSE as she is older to have to deal w/this stuff between her parents.

Post deleted by Blackrio

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Because of the recent posts regarding the questioning of why xOWs choose to post here and for what purpose and the fact there are those BSs who find my type of postings upsetting, I will refrain from posting about my progress or lack of on this particular forum. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please keep your word.

Please keep your word.

Of definitely I will about FUTURE happenings. However, there apparently were some concerns about what I had previously posted and I wanted to make sure there was some clarity regarding those.

Have a nice day, y'all!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blackrio:
<strong> Please keep your word.

Of definitely I will about FUTURE happenings. However, there apparently were some concerns about what I had previously posted and I wanted to make sure there was some clarity regarding those.

Have a nice day, y'all! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This "clarity" is not offering anyone marriage building support, is it.

Please consider going to your other support board.