Feeling calm, OK with everything, going to just let things develop as they do. I'm going to try to approach my W in my own "Plan A" mode and just take it as it comes.

Prayers appreciated!

As for my current state of mind about the whole situation, I found this devotional from yesterday very helpful.
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"And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day" (Gen. 32:24).

Left alone! What different sensations those words conjure up to each of us. To some they spell loneliness and desolation, to others rest and quiet. To be left alone without God, would be too awful for words, but to be left alone with Him is a foretaste of Heaven! If His followers spent more time alone with Him, we should have spiritual giants again.

The Master set us an example. Note how often He went to be alone with God; and He had a mighty purpose behind the command, "When thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray."

The greatest miracles of Elijah and Elisha took place when they were alone with God. It was alone with God that Jacob became a prince; and just there that we, too, may become princes--"men (aye, and women too!) wondered at" (Zech. 3:8). Joshua was alone when the Lord came to him. (Josh. 1:1) Gideon and Jephthah were by themselves when commissioned to save Israel. (Judges 6:11 and 11:29) Moses was by himself at the wilderness bush. (Exodus 3:1-5) Cornelius was praying by himself when the angel came to him. (Acts 10:2) No one was with Peter on the house top, when he was instructed to go to the Gentiles. (Acts 10:9) John the Baptist was alone in the wilderness (Luke 1:90), and John the Beloved alone in Patmos, when nearest God. (Rev. 1:9)

Covet to get alone with God. If we neglect it, we not only rob ourselves, but others too, of blessing, since when we are blessed we are able to pass on blessing to others. It may mean less outside work; it must mean more depth and power, and the consequence, too, will be "they saw no man save Jesus only."

To be alone with God in prayer cannot be over-emphasized.

"If chosen men had never been alone,
In deepest silence open-doored to God,
No greatness ever had been dreamed or done."

Everything went very smoothly today. The case worker was friendly and W and I were able to get our current arrangement regarding CS and flexible parenting time made official in the temporary order.

Afterward, she and I went out for a quick bite to eat and discussed, well, everything. It was friendly and matter-of-fact. She is in so much pain still, of course, it's difficult to engage, but we talked about a lot -- MB, my insights in the past two weeks, NC and the NC letter for OW (which my W read, edited, and agreed to mail herself). She talked about her pain right now, and her feelings that the pain would go away if we just separate for good. I told her I didn't believe it's that simple -- that together or apart, the pain of what I've done will have to be faced in order for her to be whole again, and that I believe eventually we could help each other through this to something better than we've ever had. I gave it something like a Plan A approach, asked her to call me whenever she wants, and told her I'd leave her alone in the meantime except to arrange parenting time stuff. The last thing I want to do is bug her, and she did say it's been helpful lately to be apart like we are. I agreed. I told her I love her and that I am really bought in on the MB approach to our situation, should she wish to someday look into JC.

It was so good to see her today, and it felt good to finally be able to talk to her about everything I've been thinking and feeling in the last week. From here, it's up to her of course. In the meantime, I'll keep plugging away one day at a time. OW has been emailing me, to the point that I finally made an Outlook rule deleting any message from her that doesn't have our boss in the TO or CC fields, and auto-responding with a message that says "Please direct work-related emails through (boss's name)." I hope it works!

Mrs. Lost may even make an appearance here someday...

YES!!!!!!!!! finally, engaging those email rules! I told you they work! good job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The 'bite to eat' w/ W is a very good sign & step in the right direction, I think.

I also want you to remember that this whole plan a-ing your W should NOT be temproary 'just to win her back', it would be something to do FOREVER, meeting her needs & eventually, her meeting yours.

That En questionnaire would be great for that........eventually.

Have you started IC w/ the Harley's yet? OR inquired?

Would your W be insulted or bugged if you bought her one of thier books? Like Surviving an Affair? just a thought.

Hey, don't slip into that habit of you putting it on W again. You can still try to initiate friendliness to her w/o bugging. IT's like you will be 'courting' her again----keep that in mind.

Right now the responsibility of REbuilding & restoring the relationship w/ her is on you---not her.

stay strong!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
kt

Lost this is a very good start. Keep working on it and just remember it takes time. Listen to KT and the others here. They will direct you in the right direction.

PS: ok lost--I have to admit something about my POV.

When I first found out about OC & H A.........H was not in the fog anymore (A had been over for about a year, since OW announcement of pg) BUT he said he felt like he didn't 'deserve' me anymore & was willing to 'take' whatever I dished out to him....like D. okay whatever. Kinda what I get from you.

WELL, that was one thing BUT I took it as: HIM not WILLING to try to put in the effort of rebuilding or trying to get me back.

TO this day....I am always a tiny bit resentful that he did not do more to 'win me back'....like you, he said it was ALL up to me.

After our intitial confrontation/confession....I don't think we talked again for a few days & it was ME who called him asking him if he cared enough about our son to call & see him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I felt that if I had not called then he never would have. HE said he thought I never wanted to have anything to do w/ him again & our marraige was OVER.

Understandable but I still resent him not TRYING!

SO that is where my advice/pov is coming from.

I am telling you all this because I don't know if it is necessarily the right thing to do or not but that is how I think of it.

So my POV is VERY laced w/ MY personal experience.

kt

Hi kt,

When I say it's up to her, I mean that she's been given a lot to think about, I hope, and I don't want to badger her. But I definitely appreciate and need the continuing reminders to keep the responsibility for what I'm doing squarely on me and not based on reacting to her or anyone else. When I talk Plan A etc., I see this as a way of life for me now, one that will shape any future relationship -- I just hope it can be with my W.

She has a lot of books on these topics, and may already have that one? I'm not sure, but no, I don't think she'd be offended if I picked it up. I haven't pursued IC with Harley yet -- I'm trying to save up some money to cover the cost of some JC with them if my W agrees to it. IC would be worthwhile, in your opinion?

I so enjoyed seeing her today. Who'd have thought that a FOTC appointment could leave me feeling so good about everything. The case worker loved us -- she said it was a great way to start the week, with a couple in agreement on so much and willing to work together! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I need to ask did you go through friend of the court in WAYNE county?
I am assuming your in my state.

reason being i have much experience with them and I just want to make sure that you and your wife have a signed temp order from the judge or referee not just the lawyer appointed to the case. This is very important once you tell me if you are in wayne or not I can explain further.

Hi Cordelia,

We're not in Wayne County -- we're in Ottawa. And the temporary order was signed by the judge before we left.

Good I am glad you safeguarded your family.

Wish you luck and I wish your wife strength she will need it her heart is being ripped apart at this moment.

Time will heal.
I hope she has a support system with family or friends.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> , NC and the NC letter for OW (which my W read, edited, and agreed to mail herself). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yo-bah! This is me doing the Snoopy happy dance around my desk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OW has been emailing me, to the point that I finally made an Outlook rule deleting any message from her that doesn't have our boss in the TO or CC fields, and auto-responding with a message that says "Please direct work-related emails through (boss's name)." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Graduating from the Snoopy happy dance to the Ren and Stimpy "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" song!!!!!!

Please buy the book even if you may think she's got it already. Do not wrap it, but tie a pale yellow ribbon around it and slip a white daisy (because they are such hopeful/happy flowers, in my estimation, and not as schmaltzy/pushy/serious as roses can be) through the ribbon...Maybe a note saying that YOU'VE read it (because if you haven't, you will before you give it to her, right?) and thought it was good. Period. Hand it to her when you drop off the kids and don't say anything else about it.

Kindness counts. Kindness without expectation of reciprocation or pushiness counts doubly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also want you to remember that this whole plan a-ing your W should NOT be temproary 'just to win her back', it would be something to do FOREVER, meeting her needs & eventually, her meeting yours.

and:

WELL, that was one thing BUT I took it as: HIM not WILLING to try to put in the effort of rebuilding or trying to get me back.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take these words to heart. They are a gift. They are the manna of truth from a BS...every ws AND bs needs to learn these words, then ask themselves daily, "what have I done today to make my M better."

Words that you want to have a better marriage w/out the action to back them up or with the negative statement that you feel you don't deserve her show nothing of your concern for her and your M. Action, mi hermano, action.

YOU'RE GETTIN' IT!

Can I get a "yee-haw" from all the MBers????

YEE-HAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Kimmy

YEEEEEE----HAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

great work Lost.
Now patience!!!!!!

Thanks again for the encouragement Kimmy, tigger, and cc. I need it -- today I'm kind of "crashing" off the high of such a good day yesterday. But I'm OK. NC going strong, now that all OW's addresses are blocked in my Yahoo email too. And my new cell phone should be delivered today.

Flukeboy gave me his copy of "Surviving the Affair" last night, and I'm going to read it this week. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I gave it to W when I'm done.

The waiting is so hard. After the rush and happiness of seeing her and talking to her, I'm trying to refocus on the real goal -- my relationship with God and what He's doing in me now, while we're separated, even if that's forever. Divorce has to be survivable. Not my goal by any means, but manageable. What I'm doing now is essential to my future wholeness no matter what happens.

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost71:
I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I gave it to W when I'm done.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Flukette and I would be happy to see it go to Mrs. Lost when you're done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Flukeboy ]</small>