Last night me and H talked. Talked about a few things. I finally told him how alot of times, I feel insecure, I feel like he still has feelings for OW and is still attracted to her, I told him I felt like there has to be something there because she has your child. He said there is nothing there AT ALL. I told him it really hurt me when he just got up and ran off to the hospital last week when OC fell. I told him part of me knew that he wanted to be with OC, was going for OC not OW, but part of me was not sure. He told me flat out that he did not go at ALL for OW he want for OC. He felt like he needed to be there, he was not sure if OC was really hurt or not so he needed to be there for her(OC). I talked about just how I feel like things have been hid from me in a sense, I told him I wanted to go with him to the hospital, I want to care for to, but I feel like I am not allowed to. I told him Not that I want to but I feel like when she calls his cell phone that he does not want me to answer and talk to her. He told me part of him did not want me to go tot he hospital because me and OW have NEVER met yet and have only said about 20words on the phone to eache other. He said it just was not a great time to god forbid stirup any trouble (not in a hospital). He admitted that me and OW need to work out the tension/anger between us we need to have some common ground. I told him I am willinf to try but he admitted its not me its her(OW). Ow is scared of me, she fears me for what reason I dont know, she fears me to be arounde her child her child getting to know me and god forbid my children. I think she fears the truth that if OC comes and spends time with us she will be happy, she will like it. I know she is only 1 but i know she would enjoy coming over.
I told him I dont like feeling like I come second. I should not come second, I/we this family comes first. I know you want to take care of your C but DO NOT NEGLECT this family. I told him if it gets to the point where I CAN NOT take it anymore I will leave and I WILL NOT come back.
Then he told me how he felt, how he hurts everyday, it hurts him that he hurt me, he says he never meant to hurt me, how it hurts him that Im hurt, that we had a child out of wedlock, that he has a child that he really can not see, and other probelms we have. WE also even talked about me having the miscarriage, I learned that he was hurt by it too he just never said anything, he said he did not konw what to say or do, he seen me going thru someting and he thought it might have been best to let me go through it.
I told him I am glad that we finally talked. We talked good for about an hour- hour and 1/2. I told him i had been scared to talk to him because I did not want him to take it the wrong way but I am glad we finally got it out in the open.
The next step is seeing what more we can do about OW, I am in no rush trust me, but i want it to be clear that I am ready to talk and meet her and put the past behind. I have to move on, I have to let go, I have to be a woman, and be a stepmom the best I can to this little girl. I now see GOd will not give me more than i can hanlde.
THank you guys for pushing me to talk to him.
WG
