Should you tell a MW that her husband is having a AFFAIR ??

Yes, if you know it for a fact and have proof. And if you care enough to risk being the "bad guy" for awhile -- you know, as in punishing the messenger.
PM

I agree. I think you should tell MW. However I would first contact MM and inform him of your intentions and give him the opportunity to tell his spouse himself. Give it a timeline, like a week and if he doesn't do it tell.

I agree with Calismile give her husband a deadline in which to tell her himself. It is always best to be told by your spouse and not a 3rd person... I think if someone else told me I would have resented them... and had less faith in My XWH

As much as I want to say yes, it depends. If the affair is ongoing, you should tell the H you know and that if he doesn't end it , you will tell wife. There are a lot of depends on whether or not he should tell his wife after it's over and I don't think an outsider should be the one to make that decision. Of course, if she is your friend I would say, tell her what you know. As in, what you saw with your own eyes or heard with your own ears. If it was hearsay, tell her that and let her make her own conclusions. Like I said, I think there are a lot of "depends" in this situation.

I would definitely tell. It is her life too and she deserves to know.

It took 14 years for someone to tell me my husband had an affair in 1989.

I felt like I had lived a lie.

I think she deserves to know the truth so she can make decisions about her life.

I completely agree w/ Coldday's views.

I would tell her. Hopefully, her husband would say something, but he might not. I had a friend (actually H partner) tell me about it. My H was out of town for a month long trial and I was meeting him that weekend for a visit. While I was devastated, I was glad that I knew before H knew I knew! I didn't know what I was walking into when I would meet him and what he was going to do. Supposedly, he was going to tell me that weekend. But I had time to do some "protective" financial things before I left. Our friend didn't give me really any details, just said that there was an A and I needed to talk to my H about it. He didn't say who, when, how long, the baby etc.

The thing that I have realized is that his partner knew for quite awhile and was waiting for H to tell me on his own. In the meantime, H was getting OW pregnant and making it worse!! Maybe if he had called me ASAP, there wouldn't be an OC. I'm sure he was worried about interfering, but what if.......?

So, if you care about your friend. Make it happen one way or the other. Maybe you can prevent an OC in the picture.

Good luck!

Is confronting the MM really a good idea? What if he gets violent. Is there a way to have her find out where you don't directly tell her. I did this once. I was friends with my BIL independantly of his realtionship with my sister. The idiot told me about his cheating and put me in a horrible situation. I found out where he was going to be with his gf and made sure my sister would show up and catch him.

You have to understand, I was 19 at the time and living with them. I had no place else to live so if the "shoot the messenger" came into effect well....you get my point.

I just can't help but think of the guy in Texas...what if when you confront the MM he goes psycho?

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: twilight ]</small>

Seeg03,

I don't know I get kind of a funny feeling about this whole topic!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
If it were me I think I'd give the H the heads up to let him know that you know about the A and you want him to tell her first.

Okay, how do I put this without offending you, I would tell her if I were you, as long as you are not the one he is having the A with (OW)!!

I hope that is not the case, but that is the first thing that popped into my head when I first read this post.

So think about it long and hard because this is someones life, and marriage you are talking about here.


W2E

I kind of agree w/ waiting to ex I'm not so sure if hearing that info from the ow would be the greatest thing. However none of it is in all honesty. For me personally I would have loved for h, ow, family or anyone that knew to tell me about A so I can make my own decision. Because I wasn't informed until a year AFTER oc was 1 I had moved to a foriegn country and was far away from any family or friends to help me during this tough period. Had I know I probably wouldn't be here now and at times when feelings are raw I get so angered that all these people allowed me to come to a damn foriegn country all the while knowing I would have to deal w/ this huge pile of crap on my own because not 1 of those people who knew have actually tried to help me in the recovery process. I guess even when it's not raw it still hurts. Bottom line is this truth hurts but it also sets free. The Bw has a right to know. Having it come from WH would be great but her knowledge to me is far more in portant than the relayer of the message JMHO.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by seeg03:
<strong> Should you tell a MW that her husband is having a AFFAIR ?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ONLY if you're NOT the OW!
AND ONLY if you are WILLING & ABLE to handle unexpected reaction well & to continue to be supportive AND ONLY if you have DEFINATE 'bullet proof' EVIDENCE.

A BETTER approach, IMO, is to have your H or another good & trustworthy MALE friend (of WH)speak to WH about it & advise WH to stop it or W will be told EVERYTHING.

xoxoxo
kt

OMG! I didn't think about this possibly being the OW! The OW should not tell the W. . .

Another thought -- if you give him a deadline, how will you know he's met it? Does he report back to you? Like he's trustworthy?

just a thought
PM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by papermom:
<strong> Like he's trustworthy?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sorry had to laugh at that. I just can't help but think confronting him will be futile, and potentially dangerous.