When I talked to her about how much the folks on these boards have helped me, she was interested in particular in conversing with people who have been well down the road to recovery and feel like they've "made it" successfully.

Kimmy, that may be you, I think... anyone else who'd be willing to take us under their wing, so to speak?

----------------
And an update, since I'm posting. NC still going strong. I gave the NC letter to my W this morning (to mail to OW), so hopefully it gets delivered tomorrow. After a couple kind of hairy days with OW causing needless work problems, yesterday was zero contact -- nice. I went to my office very early this morning to catch up on a few things before anyone arrived, and noticed that someone had been rummaging through several of my personal items. I removed them all and got the heck out of there.

Overall, except for this nasty cold, I'm doing pretty well, I think. I still miss my W very much -- had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. But another day full of coffee is underway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 07:50 AM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

Keep posting Lost, you are doing so good!!!!! I only wish my WH had the guts!

I hope Mrs. Lost starts reading and posting, as a BS I´m sure she would benefit.

Good Luck!

Missing your W very much is a GOOOOD THING! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That she is willing to hear from recovered BSs is another GOOOOOD thing!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have hope for you guys!

J
6y recovery

Hi Lost!
I have been following your story and I am impressed with how much progress you have made from your first post!! I bet your wife will be able to see/feel the change in you too.

Send her to the board! I would love to help. I would have NEVER thought our relationship could have recovered and it is stronger and closer than before! I'm not saying that we are healed and finished working. Some days are still very hard for me, but the upsides are getting better all the time. We could NOT have done it without a terrific counselor and a humble attitude (from both) to be willing to accept weaknesses and make changes.

The ladies on this board are so strong.....especially the one's who are farther out in recovery. I never thought I would not feel agony at every thought of the A. My H and I thought we were happy, but it turned out we were drifting and not very connected to each other. I just though that was how it was after 20 years and didn't expect more. But there is more! Way MORE!

I have to say that while I was willing to work on the M, my H attitude towards me, how he handled my questions and hurt and anger (non- defensively, but not at first), and the INNER changes I have seen him make have made my job of forgiveness and new love for him much easier. It would not have been possible if he deflected blame, blamed me, angered easily, etc.

But this attitude did not happen overnight. It was 5 months after D-Day that he finally went completely NC. THAT was when his attitude and desires really changed and he came out of the fog. You are on your way to making this happen for you too! Stay with the NC! Prove to your wife that you want to be with her and be a team on everything, including handling OW/OC.

I know you can do it. Tell your wife I am almost grateful for the A. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but if I can get a newly improved H back that I love and the relationship we have always wanted but didn't know it really existed, I am not so sure that it didn't save us in the end. I can't believe I am saying that, but it is true. We are both trying to pull out the very best result possible from the wreckage. I don't want it any other way.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: LBelle ]</small>

To Mrs. Lost... who hopefully will come around <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am living and breathing proof here that your marriage CAN and WILL survive this-- and be EVEN SOMEHOW, STRANGELY better WITH TIME.

All Mrs. Lost needs, and all that I needed-- was a HUSBAND WHO IS READY, WILLING AND ABLE to keep his promises, be truthful, loving, nuturing and kind through the recovery.

When the WS commits to the M, humbles himself/herself, accepts your fears, anger and resentment with the strength the WS will need to do that---- THE ROAD to RECOVERY begins and your M WILL THRIVE!

Once the WS does these things--- the BS can work thru the pain WITH the WS together. Communication and love ON BOTH ENDS is key. Once my WS did the above-- I rejected, neglected and acted out for a long time, thus leaving my H still feeling alone, confused and starved for some understanding and love. We, as the BS MUST have the WS make the first moves to help the horrid pain we feel but it is VERY important for the BS, once back together, to also commit to making it work and not only having the WS there to be torturned, as I did.

Hope she comes here!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tell you wife I am almost grateful for the A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LaBelle-- isnt that CRAZY? It sounds kind of twisted, but I SWEAR I feel the same way.

Our marriage was headed for broke----- and the A/OC was almost like God reaching down to me and H and SHAKING the H*LL out of us to CLEAN UP OUR ACT.... We were both doing everything wrong, really. If H didnt go the route he went-- we'd still probably wind up divorcing or I'd have cheated maybe, who knows.

I just know that we now have a perfect guide as to what NOT to do.. how to COMMUNICATE.. not take one another for granted.. and to BE CAREFUL of how you treat your spouse and their feelings, etc etc.

I'd rather loved hard and hurt this badly than to have kept gliding through life and love without a clue....... or something like that.. LOL

Giovanna,

"I'd rather loved hard and hurt this badly than to have kept gliding through life and love without a clue....... or something like that.. "

I agree!

But I couldn't have seen that earlier in recovery. I kept waking up and thinking, "This isn't really MY life!"

We were so clueless that we didn't know we were drifting into a dying love.....only for lack of knowing what it needed! Emotional closeness and some effort! When our counselor first described what our marriage could be like and what we had been missing in our relationship, I had no idea what he was talking about. I told him, "I don't even understand what you mean." and he said, "I know don't. You have never seen this tyoe of relationship. You will have to trust me that it exists and you can have it." He was right!! And we have more and better things to come. Love in Living Color!

Lost 71--"The truth is out there!" You and your wife can find it.

Lost - Please relay to the Missus that I'd LOVE to talk to her. You can pass along my email addy to her if you wish...

niosgirlatyahoodotcom

Please ask her to write Mrs. Lost or something in the sub line so I don't delete it thinking it's spam

- Kimmy

LBelle, giovanna123, Dealan-de,

I sent an email to Mrs. Lost and let her know that you have posted. If she's comfortable she'll respond. That'll have to be up to her and wherever she's at with all of this.

Speaking for myself, I do appreciate the support and encouragement you have all been offering Mr. and Mrs. Lost. They are both precious people (along with their children) and deeply important to me and Flukette. Thank you for the time and effort you are putting into this. It is a blessing.

Peace.

Thank you everyone for offering to help. I have it first-hand that Mrs. Lost has been reading along.

Kim, please, avail yourself of their advice. Engage with them. I really do understand your concerns. Try me on this -- I promise there will be NO real-life repercussions on my end to your honest discussions here. If I blow it, tattle on me, and Flukeboy and Kimmy will beat me with my own fencepost.

Kimmy has even posted her email up above, so if you're really concerned about my reactions to your discussions, you can have a private discussion with her that way.

As far as I'm concerned, this isn't about pressuring you to reconcile with me. This is about helping you cope with the pain and everything that's happened by talking to women who have been exactly where you are right now. There are people here who divorced and are glad they did. Talk to them, too.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

LBelle, thank you for your response. As I was reminded today, my W knows me better than anyone else, and has heard it all from me before. She has every reason to be skeptical of this.

In her words, there is no substitute for time and distance to do their thing and show what's lasting in me and what's just hot air.

Day nine NC. I think it's a record!

OOOHHHH!!!!!!! I love her name! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Flukie/ette, you are blessings, yourselves. What lovely friends!

Lost - as I told a dear one of mine, it's not your past that will define you forever...it's what you do today.

One day at a time.

- Kimmy

Lost, very proud of you and a little jealous of your wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . You've been able to work through a lot in relatively such short amount of time. Keep posting and keep the NC and winning your W back.

Mrs. Lost,
I am currently divorced trying to work relationship with xH ... I hope from the bottom of my heart that you don't have to go through a divorce ... but if you feel that's what you and your relationship with Lost need, you will receive support here too.
This past year has been the worst in my life and it is just now that I'm starting to feel better ... we are 'dating' but I know it will take a lot from both of us, and a lot of time and reassurance to make our relationship work.
Also, I wanted to add that from what Lost has said here you are a very strong woman! My respect and admiration to you!

It's really hard to face all this today. We talked for a while on the phone, probably our most frank conversation in three weeks. She is in so much pain, and it's my fault, and there's nothing I can do but watch. No, not even watch... just sit here and know she's hurting.

She's right to be afraid that I can't bear it. We just went through this last fall, and everything fell apart when the going got tough. And this is ten times worse. I have confidence that weekly MC and the MB tools and total, permanent NC could make the difference for us, if we tried. But I don't blame her at all for not trusting me in this. Not after everything that's happened.

All I can do now is what I brought up to her -- be the man I say I want to be. And keep being that man. If we must be divorced because of what happened, that really is understandable. But it won't be because of how I behave now, if I have anything to say about it.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

I offer the one word that has defined my journey over the last 8 years - it really is a God thing for me.

****** PERSEVERANCE ******

It's the condensate of so many horrible days and nights. It defines me more often than not. And the funny thing is...it actually works. (Odd for me to find something that works well - I know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Flukeboy, not to T/J ... have you ever read "The Fifth Mountain" by Paulo Coehlo?
I read this book after xH's first affair ... and I dont' remember exactly ... but Elijah names his life ... after reading the book, I wrote in the first page "If I have to name my life, I would call it Perseverance "

As further incentive for you to post, Kim, I promise I will stay out of your threads unless expressly invited to participate by you.

I'd promise not to read them, too, but let's be real. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Although my "no real-life repercussions" promise still holds.

Mily - moving response to a new thread.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: Flukeboy ]</small>

Mrs. Lost,

Nothing has to be decided TODAY. Put your hope on a shelf for now. You don't HAVE to hope. Place yourself in God's capable hands and listen to what He tells your heart. That's all you have to do right now.

Your healing one way or another will take loads of time. No matter the outcome...seriously.

You can hope tomorrow or next month. Right now, breathe...love your kids, love yourself....be kind to others (you'd be amazed at the power that little bit of advice has in your self healing and personal outlook).

Mr. Lost, It's yours to bear...her hurt, I mean. Don't say you can't...this are your pieces to pick up. If you say you can't, I can almost guarantee that she hears, "I give up." So stop that. You can. You will. You've the determination, so buck up, dude. You've a flotilla of MB angels to help you stand. Feel your knees buckling? Either pray or tell your Flukeboyfriend (hehe), or better yet, BOTH! Flukie (and we here) will put the starch in your knees, and God will add some to your spine!

BTW Other Kimmy: I am sick as a dog...if you decide to email me, I might not be able to get back to you till Monday. If you feel an urgent need to talk to me (and believe me, I fully understand the NEED to talk to someone who's been there), go to the GQII board on the idiotville thread and ask either Faith or Jelly to email you my phone number...I'd be happy to talk to you, and have no qualms about it....if you can understand me through my snarfy nose!

TTFN....and tonight, both of you dear hearts, give yourself to God. Picture yourself with His loving hands around you. That is one of the few things that has gotten me through these past 3 years.

(((squidges)))

- Kimmy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All Mrs. Lost needs, and all that I needed-- was a HUSBAND WHO IS READY, WILLING AND ABLE to keep his promises, be truthful, loving, nuturing and kind through the recovery.

When the WS commits to the M, humbles himself/herself, accepts your fears, anger and resentment with the strength the WS will need to do that---- THE ROAD to RECOVERY begins and your M WILL THRIVE! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think she believes I'm "willing." It's the "ready" and "able" parts that concern her, and rightly so.

Time to go pick up the kids for a little parenting time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />