Por favor,
Would you take a look-see at my ARGH thread and help me help Nio?

He is going through an "unworthiness" phase and my words...um...I dunno....my words have been heard before. He questioned me last night while we were snuggling in bed as to why I stayed. Threw out to me his conjectures that

1. I might've stayed because of time invested (aka: don't want to train another husband <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
2. I might've stayed just because of the kids
3. I might've stayed because I don't want to be lonely
and
4. He thinks I settled for him (because of the above)

I love him so dearly, it pains me for him to think of himself as something to be settled for. I tried to get him to remember how he was...how I knew the potential to be a great dh/father is there in him...that that was what sustained me (and God's grace), but I fear it fell upon deaf ears.

It's so hard to put those huge feelings into such minute words.

ARGH again.

Muchas gracias,
Kimmy

Why can't you just say 'You're RIGHT! And those are VERY good reasons!' LOL

Soemtimes my H will fall into one of those moods....well, he used to, not that much anymore. BUT I see nothing wrong w/ those reasons. They are VERY good & valid reasons.

Then you can add....the whole potential part. But I bet if you did an "I agree, you're right" he might be too shocked to say anything more?

I don't know....that's how I handle it. IT works for us.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

xoxoxox
kt

kimmy....I posted on your other thread chere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Replied to your reply Star*ry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I bet if you did an "I agree, you're right" he might be too shocked to say anything more?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No hon. Where he is right now, would only harm him more. It would hurt him to the core, and while there are those that believe that he's due, I believe that the time to hurt and vent and be angry is over. It's time for healing words and actions....not pointing out inadequacies - infact, I believe that is the reason for his backsliding that resulted in #2. Neither of us were trying to heal...we were just hurt and couldn't see past the pain and it was a vicious soul consuming circle.

He's admitting his wrongs, he's confessed his sins, imo he shouldn't have to pay for this forever - no matter what anyone believes, I believe he is sincere and is deserving of my forgivness right now . There comes a time, and you know this KT - I've learned this from YOU - that you cannot be mad and hurt forever. You realize this and know that you can't keep breathing by living that way. THAT is the first step we made together in our healing. There are things he must heal from alone. There are things I can help with. And vice versa. But whatever/however we heal we know we can turn to each other...no matter what.

I just ache for him when he pains...I know he feels the same for me.

- Kimmy

ok.

I did not mean to imply that you should do anything to hurt him. I completely understand.

I personally think those are darned good reasons to hang in there.

Advice is only good it it works for YOUR particular situation. A response like that would work for us & my H & not be hurtful. Actually we would probably both end up laughing. LOL

xoxoxo
kt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I did not mean to imply that you should do anything to hurt him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I knew that. I just think there are readers out there that haven't given up the hurt yet...kwim? I think there are those who read us or see our stories (mine in particular because of the double betrayal) and think our guys will need daily 2x4s for years.

That's why the dissertation of my feelers and my vehemence that we need to heal now.

- Kimmy

kimmy,

It is my firm belief that those of us who are willing to stop being punished for sins we did NOT commit....as well as forgive the sins of our spouses (with protection of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) ...have the best chance for full recovery. I see so many people stuck in grief...and on this board...where there is a living, breathing symbol of betrayal (OC)...it is ESPECIALLY easy to let anger and hate eat away at the marriage and get wrapped up in the drama rather than healing.

I champion your desire NOT to punish Nio...however, you also cannot save him from his own fate at his own hands....to do so...is to enable him. Sometimes it is inevitable that you cannot soften the spot where he lands, just be there to lend a hand when he's ready to stand back up. I'm glad he's beginning to see the reality of this situation....it's a good thing....even if it's tough.

((((((((((((((kimmy)))))))))))))))))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> however, you also cannot save him from his own fate at his own hands....to do so...is to enable him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True dat.

Tis a fine line to walk for a fixer such as myself. I cannot tell you the willpower it takes to keep my mouth shut when he beats himself up...it IS something he needs to go thru.

BTW: He called - he passed the written and the physical parts of the testing for Park Police. There are 3 slots and 5 people left - two that have no experience. Fingers crossed we'll be moving soon.

I got my fingers AND toes crossed.

My legs too but that won't last once H gets home! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> LOL

KT you always make me laugh. What in the world would I do w/ out you!!! My fingers are crossed too. Know that if this is in the plans God has ordained for your lives in this season it shall come to pass. Also know that should this avenue not plan out as you desire do not be in dispare because He(as in God) has a greater work instore. Take care and know it's already alright!

Thanks Cali and KT. KT, is that your glow I see in the direction of CA? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Cali - I do believe it's God working in our lives. It seems when Nio bucks up and does what's right, our whole family and all our plans come to fruition. Funny that.

- Kimmy