I know that patience is a problem for me, but I wonder if I over-corrected....
I wanted WH to make a decision if he wants to work on our M or leave. He doesn't want to make that decision until after OC is born in April. He is still in C with OW, but not physically (she lives too far away for it to be possible without me knowing). We are still living in the same house and making decisions "together".
So, my question is...am I being too much of a pushover by letting him have that much time to make a decision? I have a hard time differentiating between plan A type behavior and just getting pushed around. In the mean-time, our R is in limbo, IMO. I feel more and more like just doing whatever I want because he has not made a committment to being my H down the road.
I know GQII has more traffic, but with the OC involved, I am hoping to hear from those of you with that extra complication.

Welcome to our little society here. (gag)

I am curious, first of all what the heck does this have to do with your M ? What does your H give as the reason OC would decide if he wants to be M or not????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He doesn't want to make that decision until after OC is born in April </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I agree with Gio. What does OC have to do with your Marriage?

I think he's fence-sitting and using OC as an excuse.

Plan A is supposed to help end the affair. Your marriage cannot even be worked on until he ends it. One of the stipulations is NO CONTACT.

I don't think you should have to wait until April to know whether or not he wants to work on your marriage. How will you feel in April if he decides he wants a divorce? You may feel as though you wasted a lot of time catering to his needs, time you could've used to re-build your life alone.

How long have you been implementing Plan A? Perhaps it is time for Plan B?

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you can get the support you need....hugs....

AVNL

Thanks for the quick replies Gio and ANVL,
I think fence-sitting is exactly what it is. He says there is too much going on right now for him to be able to make a decision. That OC birth can be an emotional event and is a signifcant event, which I agree with; but he is saying that is why he doesn't want to be "forced" into a decision right now. That NC with OW is not possible right now because she needs support to have OC.
D-Day was end of Jan, so it's only been a little over a month. True plan A didn't work at all because it made him suspicious (didn't know why I was being so nice all the time and doing stuff for him). So instead, I have been trying to just let him have his space, have his "time" to figure things out. In the mean time, I have started to make decisions to do what I want, because, just like you said AVNL, what happens in a month if he says "it's over"? I'm scared of plan B I think. I am afraid that if we really separate, I will decide I like being on my own.

Not:

OW should be getting support from some one else. Contact between your H and OW must end until a DNA test proves he is the father. If your H won't agree to No Contact, I would be inclined to think he is keeping the relationship going long distance, long enough to figure out how to end it with you with the least amount of resistance and end up on his feet and with OW by the birth.

He is in the FOG. Do not trust one single word of his unless it's backed with an action.

I hope this doesn't hurt you, but Plan B may be the only thing that will save your marriage - this was true in my case. My H would NOT come out of the FOG, would NOT overcome his addiction to OW, would NOT connect with me until I kicked him out and threatened divorce. It didn't even hit him until we were trying to fill out all the divorce paperwork. He was so far gone, I was afraid we would be divorced before he realized he was making a mistake.

Don't let your H cake-eat. It will only hurt you more!

I hope I haven't offended you, this whole thing strikes a chord with me, it sounds so much like my sitch. My H was cake-eating for nearly a year all in all - can you imagine being able to deal with this for a year? He'll go as long as you let him, honey.

Put your shoulders back, your chin up, and strengthen your resolve.....deep breath....now figure out what you're going to do to change the situation.

(((((Not)))))

AVNL

oopsie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Wanted to reply REALLY fast for Octobergirl,
Lost is NOT my WH....not sure where that came from. AFAIK my H is not on this forum. I'll post again in a second.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> YIKES! Sorry NTM,I got you confused with NotTooLost.Posting too fast I guess.LOL

I will edited it all away.Sorry again.Sounded good I think.HA!

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I was just fixin ta say...I didn't think NTM was the Missus. Different ID #s...

I think NTM would've been much relieved if her wh acted like Lost.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is in the FOG. Do not trust one single word of his unless it's backed with an action. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the truth set in stone...in the meantime, since he is home, you can PA him - but I'll warn you, it'll do little good till OW starts showing her colors.

- Kimmy

AVNL,
Thank again. You're not hurting me...WH is. I don't know how many times I have to be told the same thing before I grow a backbone.

I definitely can't do this for a year. I thought I'd give him his month, but that would be it. He is most likely going to OW when she has OC (he won't be able to be there for the birth, it is too far away) to help take care of things (she supposedly has no other support). I figured I'd take that time to "gather my thoughts" and have a gauntlet to drop when he returns = "me or her".

But maybe I need to find somewhere else to stay in the meantime...

And nothing anyone says will offend me, I know everyone is trying to help, that's why we are all here.

Octobergirl,
You're right about being scared of plan B. That's almost exactly it. Plus, I love new experiences, I think it might be too easy for me to get wrapped up in the new experiences of being on my own again and toss the last 9 years away...I really think I am capable of that.

Thanks again for the help

Forgot to say, we have no questions about OC being WH's kid. Besides, IMO, OC is not in and of itself the problem, just the complication. If WH had a one night stand and caused an OC, we would be in a completely different situation.

Not:

Why is there no question as to whether or not OC is your H's?

OW in our sitch swore my H was the dad, until he pushed the paternity test issue, then all of a sudden she didn't know if he was the father.

Their relationship (and now yours too) is based on lies and deceit. Your H shouldn't just "take her word for it", they live far away from eachother, she could have a relationship or two besides the one with your H.

Also, from a legal stand point, it is a good idea to get the test, lest your H take responsibility (financial and otherwise) for a child that isn't his.

AVNL

NTM,

I'll just add in to what you said: Plan B can bring you to the conclusion that you might do very well without your WS but only after you have given your all,IMO.It's a good feeling though to feel good enough about yourself that you can navigate the waters under no pressure either way.YOU are in control of your destiny.

I only came to this conclusion myself after giving my WH several chances to make our marriage and family his priority and I had reached my limit.After that I was no longer willing to let anyone or anything else interfere with what I felt was right for me.I was no longer willing to be part of the sordid triangle.

I took myself out of the equation and ever since then,I have felt very good about my decision.

Anyway,what I feel still stands is that the OC is not a deciding factor here.Like the other's mentioned.My WH used the job/career excuse to hold off doing anything too and if I was important to him,we would have found a way to make it work.Like we used to when we were "happily" married.

Well,I wish you much luck with your situation.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi NTM, NTL here... (confusing, I know!) - yes, I'm Lost's wife and I know that Kimmy said that you'd be relieved if your H was acting like Lost. But BELIEVE ME... Lost71 didn't get where he is now overnight. (We don't call him Lost for nothing...) I did Plan A all summer, we reconciled, he relapsed and I have been working (sort of unintentionally) a Plan B / Plan D combo for the past month +.
Plan B works wonders. HOWEVER, you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. I hinted at my thoughts of Plan B & Plan D for 2 months while he was on the fence eating his favorite cake. Ultimately, when I was SURE that I wanted to go through with Plan D because he had left me NO CHOICE I filed for divorce and also worked as close to NC with him as I could. NOW after a month has passed, he has decided he does not want OW, maybe not even contact w/ OC if that's necessary to keep our family. Now, as he would say, we have "traded places" - not that I'm cheating, but that he is willing to do anything to save the M (he says, proof's in the pudding) and I'm on the fence trying to determine if I could/should/would ever trust him again and if he's just too big of a risk now that we've told the kids, filed, separated the money, he's moved out of the house, etc... of course it's all stuff that can be easily undone, if/when I'm ever ready.

Anyway, my long answer is that Plan B will get him off the fence (and he is definitely using OC to stay on the fence) but you have to mean it when you do it because it can lead to Plan D. Sounds like you know you might be okay with that. The "fear" you feel about liking being without him is real; you will be relieved initially to be free of his chaos. And you might decide you want to keep it that way. If my STBXH/DH/FWH (I can't decide) had decided to go "be with her because she had no other support" I would have definitely told him he better just stay there! I would throw down that gauntlet before he goes, not after...? I hated the cake eating and kept it to a minimum by separations and filing for D. Don't know if I want him back, but it certainly works wonders to end the fence-sitting.

NTM,

I was wondering if you have any children? If so, do you have any type of child support set up? I would see what you might be able to do, in conjunction with Plan B. That way, if this OC is your H(do a DNA, no matter what either of them say how it is your H's, DNA will tell you for sure), you will have your support for the kids before the OW get's hers. You need to protect yourself and kids, if you have any. I agree with what other's have said, Plan B is a good way to go. Read up on it and figure out what you are going to do and how your are going to do it, BEFORE the OC is born!

Don't know if I've helped any, just my $0.02.

Tigger

Thanks again everyone for the replies.

The paternity test thing - I asked him if he was sure it was his, and he said yes (in that tone that says I was asking a stupid question). They had been friends long before the PA so he knew all about her relationships, or lack thereof.

I think pushing the issue would be pushing him out, and I don't want to do that until I am really ready to do that....

Despite all the experienced advice I am receiving, I still don't quite believe the stove is hot. Not that I don't appreciate what you have already been through, I was the kid who had to touch the stove.

Like NTL says, I think I need to be prepared for plan D before I start plan B, and I don't think I'm quite there yet.

Oh and Tigger - we don't have any kids, so no complications or concerns there.


So the answer to my original question....is yes, I am being too much of a pushover <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The next question I need to answer myself is when and how do I become strong enough to not be a pushover....

NTM:

First let me say sorry you're here. Yes, as you have answered yourself, you are being a "pushover". My friend calls it a "doormat". I too didn't think I was ready to handle the Plan B and prepare for Plan D, but let me tell you it's the only way to go. You'll be surprised at how much clearer things are when you put Plan B into play. The "fog" and "alien" status that WH is in will lift quickly. You will actually have some peace.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by NotToMe:
<strong> Thanks again everyone for the replies.

The paternity test thing - I asked him if he was sure it was his, and he said yes (in that tone that says I was asking a stupid question). They had been friends long before the PA so he knew all about her relationships, or lack thereof.

I think pushing the issue would be pushing him out, and I don't want to do that until I am really ready to do that....

I think that you SHOULD still request that he do a DNA test. Why, because it doesn't matter how long he's known the OW, it still needs to be established! From a legal standpoint, it is necessary. Maybe you could approach him in such a manner that it shows you want HIM to be protected, and his rights to this child.

Despite all the experienced advice I am receiving, I still don't quite believe the stove is hot. Not that I don't appreciate what you have already been through, I was the kid who had to touch the stove.

The stove is not only hot, but it is beginning to melt! If you wait, you will end up not just burning your finger, but burnt to a crisp!

Like NTL says, I think I need to be prepared for plan D before I start plan B, and I don't think I'm quite there yet.

Oh and Tigger - we don't have any kids, so no complications or concerns there.


So the answer to my original question....is yes, I am being too much of a pushover <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The next question I need to answer myself is when and how do I become strong enough to not be a pushover.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only way that you will be strong enough is when you take that first step. If you keep waiting for the "right time" it will never happen, and you will end up broken, regardless of the outcome of your M. Read up on Plan A/B(D), work out your plan and go for it! You will have TONS of support, shoulders to cry on, and advice here. Take advantage of it! Learn from other's mistakes, and other's who have made it! That's what we are here for!

Tigger

Tigger,
Sorry about not replying sooner. I actually missed the comments inside the quote block the first time I read your response. I see what you are saying about the paternity test, and I will find a way to bring this up with him again, like you said, so it is about him protecting himself.

I also have been working on plan B preparations. Figuring out where I can go (we have no family locally) and how to deal with some details that have to be worked out. Working on the "plan" is making it easier to move forward because I can focus on the details to help keep my mind off what seems like the finality of the action.

Thank you, and everyone else, for your advice and patience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

oh, Inanutshell, I've seen "doormat" in quite a few other posts, especially when trying to identify correct plan A behaviors, that's a very appropriate term. And I am definitely looking forward to the "peace" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: NotToMe ]</small>