It's amazing when you finally hit that rock bottom moment in your life how everything leading up to this moment becomes clear. H found out yesterday (confirmed by both of his parents) that there's a possibility that he's an OC himself. Paternity was never established, his father just raised him as his own and they chose not to find out. It's also amazing how patterns continue on and on, since H of course has an OC of his own (and so does his sister I might add). So now not only is H struggling with his addictions and with his family (me and kids), he now has to come to terms with this aspect of his life. And I say HE because we've discovered that HE has to come to peace with himself, I can't help him. I'm codependent and an enabler and I've not helped this situation one bit, only attempted to pacify H from his problems. Oh what a mess!!!!!

Michele, I totally agree about family patterns often repeat, especially the "hidden" ones!!

This is a big reason why I am glad we told our children, and I would have done it eventually even without visitation... b/c I don't want THEM to repeat it!

People think if you ignore it, it goes away... but look at cases like your H! My H also found out several years after his A that both his parents had A.s (one of his sibs may be OC) and his dad had been married several more times than we knew! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hang in there, MH. Life is worth living, even with the messes. The best thing you can do is work it out.

J
3 kids+visitation w/OC
in recovery over 6y and glad I stayed

MH~

I'm so sorry for all that you've been going through. It may sound sappy, but miracles happen in situations where we see no hope~~where a miracle seems the LEAST likely event to ever occur.

Rock bottom hurts like hell!! The rock bottom in my life as a FWW and the rock bottom in the life of my FBH was actually the turning point in our M. It turned out to be a good thing~~a necessary thing. Everything was up from there. I know it's a choice, and some choose to stay at rock bottom, or even lower...but if your H chooses to go up, and works really hard at it, I can almost guarantee that miracle.

I'm glad for the realizations you've come to about yourself as well. You sound like you have a healthy attitude, and have learned a lot in a short amount of time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~ad

Jenny and AD, thanks for the responses. Yes I'm so fearful that my children will continue this awful pattern that has been established for generations. I realize it's up to me (and H) to stop the pattern. There are so many things that have contributed to the point where we are now, from both my upbringing and my H's. And it's so hard to not hold blame and guilt. I feel like I've been struck by a train. Please keep me in your prayers. I'm hoping to find the peacefulness and happiness within myself. Thank you to all for being strong supporters!

I know all about the fear of our children repeating our sins. It's possible one of my sibs is an OC. Then there's my child who is probably an OC. So right there, that's 2 generations of women who've committed adultery. Who knows how many other generations prior.

The thing is Michelle, you and your H, just like my H and I are equipped with this knowledge. There are good and productive things we can do with this knowledge. While we can't control what choices our children will make in their lives, we can be instrumental in shaping them into good citizens who care about their fellow man. Teach them the things they need to know about what it means to be a good H or W. Talk openly about being faithful to their spouse, and how destructive adultery, and lies are. Teach them by our actions about the sanctity of M.

We can be paralyzed by our fear, or we can do all we can that's in our power to do, to see our children don't commit the sins we did. Including praying over them till the day we die. I already pray for my childrens' future spouses, whomever they may be. We can pray they all make honorable decisions in their lives. The rest is up to them.

Out of personal curiosity/nosiness, but only if you want/are able to share~~how is your H dealing with this recent news from his folks? How does he feel about each of them? Did he hear the news from someone else, and they confirmed, or did they tell him straight out? If they were the ones to tell him, did they explain their reasoning for telling him now, after keeping it secret all these years? On the surface anyway, my situation seems very similar to his folks'.

~ad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Autumn Day:
<strong> Out of personal curiosity/nosiness, but only if you want/are able to share~~how is your H dealing with this recent news from his folks? How does he feel about each of them? Did he hear the news from someone else, and they confirmed, or did they tell him straight out? If they were the ones to tell him, did they explain their reasoning for telling him now, after keeping it secret all these years? On the surface anyway, my situation seems very similar to his folks'.

~ad </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H has wondered all along if his dad was really his dad and had confronted his mom on the matter some time ago but she denied. He knew that their M was rocky at times and that infidelity was a major part, as was his dad's alcohol addiction. Now that ALL of the issues surrounding H, his A's, us, etc. have come out in the open (with us trying to figure out how we got to where we are) he confronted his mom again and she confessed that she had an A with someone while his dad was in Vietnam and that it continued after his dad came home. To hear her tell it, dad knew right off the bat about the affair. To hear dad tell it, he didn't learn of it until H was 4. So H is getting conflicting info. from both sides (they divorced when H was 7).

I really don't know what else was talked about with either mom or dad. H and I are trying to steer clear of being emotional pillows for each other because it skews the reality and we get suckered right back into the swing of things which isn't the way it should be. As I explained on another thread, H is battling with dual realities and only jumps on what feels good at the moment. (he thinks he may be an adrenaline addict) I'm part of that and I can't be part of that anymore. So, we are currently separated and trying to discover who are true selves are. It's so hard to explain and most people I talk to about it don't understand. H has some serious, deep issues and I'm realizing now that I have some too.

Thank you so much for sharing Michelle. I probably shouldn't have taken the liberty to ask at this time, with all that's going on with you.

Please know you have helped me though, and your info. has given me pause to really think over some of the decisions my H and I have made.

I am so sorry your H is getting conflicting stories from his mom and dad. I hope he'll be able to get to the bottom of it all. Mostly I hope he is receiving love from his parents, and is not for one minute doubting his self worth.

Ugh, these situations suck so bad. The messes that can stem from one awful decision~~it's really overwhelming! Makes me want to make this another kick my a$$ day, but that's not productive, when I can be making it a do something good day.

Remember what I said about miracles~~it's true!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MH, I'm also sorry for the pain in your life now. It's so hard, SOOOO hard, but it won't be center stage forever---honest!

My H also got conflicting stories, but it was obvious that there was a lot more going adultery going on w/his parents than he ever imagined...

Getting counseling, confronting and changing ourselves really WILL help our kids. Hang in there MH. We're pullin' for ya!
J

xmm is an oc. His mother gave him up for adoption upteen hundred years ago. When he met his birth mom she refused any info on the birth dad and protected him still. It was his birth aunts that told him.

my father had two OC, one I suspected, and the other was a complete shock. When talking to my sister one night over drinks, I confessed that we may have another sibling...she responded by saying yeah I know...but we were not talking about the "same" sibling. We both sat there stunned for a bit. My parents divorced when I was 15, the second OC was born when I was 12. I found out when I was in my 20's about the first and in my 30's about the second. My mother confirmed it all when I was pregnant because at that point, I needed to know.

My father, who went NC with both of his OC, has a very difficult time dealing with my situation. I see the guilt in him everytime he looks at me. It must be hard for him to see the other side in this manner. My mother has happily moved on with her life, away from the serial cheater my father was. Both my parents are remarried but my Mom is the one at peace and happy, not my Dad.

You know, I hadn't thought about it all in years until I got pregnant....it is scary how things repeat. I wonder is it ever possible to break a family cycle?

My H has been on every side of the infidelity coin.. accept being an OC.

H's father had an affair resulting in an OC, but he never claimed him. He allowed the MOW's H to claim him. FIL and OW both divorced their BS's and married... they are still married now, 20+ yrs down the road. FIL never claimed the OC...
So, that made Mr Lee.. a Betrayed Child of the marriage.

H's 1st and 2nd wives had affairs... so he has been a Betrayed Spouse.

After his first divorce, he became involved with a woman he worked with, becoming the Other Man. She got pregnant, she had been unable to have children with her H. OC looks just like her bio-dad and syblings. Mr Lee has only seen the OC twice. He respected the woman's H and allowed them to rebuild their marriage without his interference.

Now he is the WS... having an OC.

Vicious cycle... one that we hope to break!

Stacia