Autumn said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The messes that can stem from one awful decision~~it's really overwhelming! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We can be paralyzed by our fear, or we can do all we can that's in our power to do, to see our children don't commit the sins we did </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The thread in this regard has really struck a chord with me. I have really been disappoited with myself because of being paralized by fear.

My children do not know about OC from our mouths. I suspec for some time, though, they have an idea or may know due to overhearing things in heat of the moment in the past when we were in a state of emergency in our home, so to speak. Stifling things behind closed doors dont always stay as quiet as one thinks.

Secondly, husband's sister has pictures of OC, as OC's mother and SIL were childhood friends (whole family was friends with her whole family - lived in same neighborhood). My SIL has been extremely unruly and loud and unmanageable regarding the OC situation with my husband. She has cause lots of extra stress on our family. She told my H that she showed my stepdaughter a picture of OC. My H yelled at her and got upset and they parted company in anger. He says he is not even sure what his sister even told his daugher (stepdaughter is 10)... and he still has not confronted her on what my stepdaughter knows. I have had the phone in my hand umpteen times ready to call and face the possibility that she told my SD WHO this baby is........... but, again, I am scared to death with what I may have to do when I get the information on that call...

Actually, my stepdaughter was hanging out w/me late night and we were talking about what we like to name our barbies, etc...... she squeeks the OC's name into the mix (she has a very unusual name)... and I caught her look at me in a certain way- to see my reaction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am paralyzed so to speak, with fear, and so is H to face the possibility that she told my stepdaughter the truth...... what a nightmare for me. I am scared to death to have "the talk" with the kids...... I am mad at myself for mishandling this. The kids ALL talk, they are very close, and I beleive they all secretly know already. Yet they are vocal w/us on everything and have not mentined it. My son is nearly 15 and he has never held anything back that he wants to question me about. He also will corner me when my H is not around to pump me for info that he thinks I'll tell him (I'm "easier" on the kids- the know I'm the softer one w/them).

ANYWAY sorry so long. I just dont know how to not type as fast as my mind goes...

I am very distraught. I actually went over to my SIL's house last weekend (to begrudgingly give her her birthday present and act nicey-nice when I cant stand this little brat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )..... I saw oc's picture from across the room. I was AGAIN, paralyzed... I sat there telling myself to sneak in her room and look at it close-- see if there are more pics.. etc. I did not do it. I decided I dont want to see her. I dont want to put a little baby girl's face to this mess....

arg... why am I reverting back to a child in all of this. Why can't I face this. I am so mad at myself. I am scared to death that *I* am contributing to hurting my children by not facing this head on. I am also taking a gamble -- what if they dont really know? What if I give it away when I am adament about them not knowing NOW.

I also wonder-- since we are firm on NC now-- what is the POINT of me seeing OC -- is it bad or messed up for me to keep the OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND attitude in my daily life since there is NC? How would I benefit aside from being more haunted by this f'ed up situation?

Any thoughts on this scatterbrained post would be appreciated. Am I the only one paralized right now by certain fears and is this part of the normal pain of this-- or am I avoiding things that will hurt me and my kids MORE if left unsaid/undealt with?

thanks 4 listening...

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Gio
You have help me quite a bit, hopefullly I can shed some light for you with my experience. The OC in my life (not H's) is not from an A, but I think in some aspects it is similar. When my Mom was 14 she had a kid and gave him up for adoption. I went around for a good portion of my life believeing that I was an only child. When I was about 14 my mom came into my room and woke me up and told me that I have an older brother. I was shocked (she really didn't pick the best time, but oh well). I was never told because my dad did not want be to know about it(kid is not his). I really had no idea, my familiy for the most part never said a word. My mom's youngest sister used to babysit me and had said i had a brother, but i was young and didn't believe her.

It is better that they hear it from you and your H and not someone else. I am glad I know now. I don't know who my brother is, I can find out anytime I want. Just think what would happen if they don't know and after the OC is grown shows up on one of your childens doorstep and says "Hi, I'm your sister". I know I would have been more shocked in that sisuation if I was cluless.

It doesn't mean that you have to have contact. Leave that up to your kids when you think they are old enough. I copletely unterstand that you are scared. You have your life somewhat back to normal and this threatens to derail the train again.

As far as you not wanteing to put a face to the OC. That is your right and if that is the way you want it then I don't think there is anything wrong with that! After all you do not want to be a part of that child's life.

I know the situation are not the same, but I know what it is like to have the bomb of a half sibling dropped on me. It is a tough one to swalllow. I am Ok with it now. I don't go advertising it, but if the time comes that he wants to meet me I think I will be ready. It took be almost ten years to get to this point. When i 1st found out I wanted nothing to do with this person.

I just think it is really important that your kids hear it from you and H, at least then you can make sure they get the story right. Your SIL has a lot of nerve! She has no right to spill the beans to a 10 year old!

Hope this helps.

B.~

I'm sorry Gio that you have to deal with all of this! I really think we all have to deal with things beyond the "normal" scope of life, and it is really hard to know the "right" thing to do at all times.

As far as your SIL, whew! I don't know if I could have any kind of relationship with her, to keep peace in the family or not. She certainly isn't respecting you or your family. JMHO!

I think it is best to tell the children yourself also. In your case, even though there is NC, it seems the cat's gonna get out of the bag, so I would just say do it! If they don't know everything, they probably know enough that something "weird" is going on. I know you are fearful, we all are I think. I think you and your H should sit down with them and just have the discussion. I don't know the proper way to go about this (if there is one), as I haven't gotten there yet, but I think opening the door to communication about it is essential at this point. With pics in your sil's house, it won't stay secret for long. Good luck! Face the fear and walk through it. You can do it and though your children may not be thankful of the situation, they will be thankful you were honest with them. This is coming from a person who believes that family secrets never stay secret. JMHO! Take care.

Hey G123 - How are you doing? I haven't posted much in quite some time, but I have been lurking here lately looking for answers to the very questions you ask.

My H and I are currently still separated, but he has been seriously talking about moving home. Even has done some things that lead me to believe it is true - it is always nice when you see them taking positive action!! Anyway, one thing that is still hanging over our heads is telling our children about the OC. Since the OC was born in Sept - H has had C w/ her and I have seen her once. However, I was not comfortable telling our kids because of the state of our M - among other things (legal stuff, dna...). I am still so scared and worried about how this will effect my BC - now and in the future. It is something no child should have to deal with in their life, but it is now something that cannot be avoided.

Anyway, now that I have rambled, tonight is the night we are telling the kids. H has OC all day Sat. and we feel it is time they get to meet her. I am still a little apprehensive - because I was really hoping H would be living at home by now and the legal issues would have been resolved - but the time is here. I having been praying all day that this goes well. That God will give H and I the strength and guidance we need to do this right. And I trust that God will see us through this - the more I pray, the better I feel.

I do believe it is important to be honest with our kids. Life is tough - and we can't shelter them from all the bad stuff. That is part of it. They are just so young, and I don't want this to rob them of the joy of childhood and of their innocense. They are going to have questions on issues that they should not have to deal with at this age. But, unfortunately, it is now a part of their life.

As their parents, we have to be honest and straight forward with them. But do it in a way that they feel secure that life is not going to change all that much - we just have someone new to share it with and to love. Am I making sense?? I guess just be honest with them and be there for them, that is the best we can do.

In your situation, if you suspect that your kids know or that they just think you are hiding something from them, I would agree that you need to talk to them. They need to know that they can trust you to be there for them. If they think you are lying or hiding things from them, they may be afraid to turn to you when they need you most. I don't remember the ages of your kids, but as they become teens, you want them to be able to come to you when they need you. Don't teach them that it is okay to hide problems. They learn by our example.

This is so hard - but once it is done, I do believe life will be so much easier. But see, we will be having C. That cannot be hidden once my H moves home. I am so praying that this will bring us one step closer to being a whole family again. But even with NC, if your kids suspect it, you do need to talk to them about it.

I honestly believe this is harder on us than the kids. We worry about them so much, but they do adapt so easily. They will take their cues from us.

Good luck to you.

I will let you know what happens with us this weekend. Maybe then I will be better able to give you some advice. Ugh!! I just wish it was over!!

God Bless,
Kris

Girls, thank you. I hear all of you and know you are all right. I have to pray for calmness upon my body because just reading and writing about the prospect of this talk I am in tears. I did have one battle scar from the A/OC issues-- and that is I get emotional easily and my wick is short for stress and hard issues. I have become a bit of a conflict avoider in some areas due to overload!!

Please Kris-- tell me what you did and how it went for you. Again- I am really feeling aweful about being so "immature" about this-- I AM THE MOTHER-- whats wrong with me!!

Brandy- believe it or not-- I also have an OC brother who was born right the same time as my oldest brother 36 years ago !!! And he lived in the same area as all of us. My father has never met him but he wants to meet all of us. Going back to OC issues.... seems every family has one down the line somewhere! I am completely open and hold no hostility towards anyone in the situation-- I will welcome brother #6 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> with open arms. It was absolutely no impact on me as a women in her 30's.

My kids are are 14,12 and 10. Hormones and drama are their middle names.

My SIL -- another story but we have kept her at arms length for some time. However, until and unless H will completely STAND up and say you are out of my life (for now) she will not stop. I hate siblings/family fighting- my family does not do that and never has so I feel funny about curtting her off.

Next...... my kids are so open and so are we with them usually... ahh I just need to do it but I am so upset and scared.

Yes, pray for my strength as a mother, adult, etc. to do this

Love you all1

G - Don't beat yourself up. The emotions you are feeling are natural. Believe me, my stomach is tied up in knots as we speak. There are so many tough things we have to deal with and prepare our kids for in life. So many issues you know you are going to have to one day face talking to them about. I have to admit, I never in my life thought I would have to explain something like this to them. I would say this in one Friday I am dreading going home from work. But I will make it through this, as so many others have before. What is good about it, my H and I are doing it together. (We are "we" again - I just love it when he says we in reference to us. A year ago, I never thought "we" would ever be again.) So, I guess you have to look for the positives.

You do need to have this talk with your kids, but don't do it until you pull yourself together. You are a strong woman and I know you will be fine. We have all been through so much. Look at it as one last bump in the road to full recovery. Once you tell them, I think it will alleviate some of your stress. Keeping secrets from those you love, even if you are doing it for their own good, takes a toll on you emotionally and physically. It will get easier - I hope.

Talk to you again soon!
Kris

Kris-- PS

I AM SOO happy that you TWO are working this out!!!!!!!!

This should be a piece of cake for you (well in an encouragement kinda way LOL).. because how much more heartache would the kids suffer if mom and dad did divorce due to this! And you too my friend!!

STRENGTH AND PEACE AND HAPPY THOUGHTS to you tonight and this weekend. I still have this weekend and a little time to face the music.

(sweating bullets for you)

((((Kris M & H and kids))))

G -Thanks for the encouragement!! I sure do need it!

Hope you have a good weekend!

If things aren't too crazy at home - I will try to update you this weekend - if not, Monday!

Kris

I think the telling to the kids should come from the parents. Trust needs to be established from the get go. This is to big.

As for kids reactions. My children had varied reactions to learning of oc. My oldest daughter, knew something was amiss. When she learned of oc her initial concern was for me. Then nothing for quite awhile. She was then worried that she would have to tell her friends about oc. Since we have no contact, I told her she didn't have to tell a sole. Her biggest fear in High School came when ow was on one of her rampages, my daughter was terrified that her peers would find out and she would be seen as a freak. She hated her dad for a while for the situation he created. And, yes. She lashed out at him. She went through a period of time where if he even tried to discipline her, she would, with all the attitude teens get, eye rolling, heavy sighing, look him straight in the eye and say something like "well, a speeding ticket isn't as bad as creating a b****rd..." It would stop him in his tracks. I would let her have it, "how dare you disrespect your father...." and she would go into full rant..."but...but...but..." She absolutely hated the whole "jerry springer" aspect of it. Like many teens, they do not want any adverse attention drawn their way.

It was not an easy time of it. But, even though I was disgusted with her words, mad at her disrespect, she had feelings and while we may not like to hear them, it comes with the territory of raising teens. They see the world so right/wrong...black/white. Never seeing the shades of grey. Life experiences will teach them that.

I think it would be worse to not tell them the truth, cause they would never be able to trust. But telling the truth also leaves them scared at exactly what boundaries really mean, and what rules really mean. While it is a good lesson in forgiveness and all, there is still the reality of the world. And the teen world is a tough place.

When we would discuss the remote possibility of the oc turning up, she will fly into a rage and literally get physically sick. She was terrified of her friends finding out that her father was a freak so therefore she would be seen as one too. She absolutely hated every aspect of it.

My younger kids really dont say to much. They are now just gaining an understanding of what cheating means, and what and how an oc comes to be. They have asked a few questions "he is never going to live here is he?" type questions. I answered them and so far they seem satisfied.

I can tell you that the most embarrssed person in our house is my husband. He knows that as they realize exactly what it all means, that it is HIS cross to bear. HE was the liar. HE cheated. He has faced the anger and the hurt that his actions caused our children. He is the one who has to deal with their doubts about him, and he is a good father to them. It hurts him to see what his actions has brought.

Our younger children are probably not going to have to deal with as much. Our cs, is all but done, and any/all legal wranglings are done. Hopefuly for thier sake, it will be easier on them.

I think that it is important that the betrayed spouse be open, honest with BC's and allow them to feel whatever it is they will feel. The children of the marriage, will need to have a parent they know they can count on and trust as the realization of it sinks in. Childhood is short, but the feelings are real. I know that there were times when my older daughter felt like her dad couldn't be trusted, after all "look what he did" and there was a distance there for a while. I had to make sure that she knew that no matter what, she could count on me. He had to earn her respect and trust.

Dealing with kids is tough enough these days, with all the pressures they face. Add their parents adultery to the mix and it really sets them for a loop. They want to trust and believe in their parents. Haven't we all heard how important it is to have rules and boundaries? They feel safe with that. Even though they push against them, they feel safer having them. As they grow into their own relationships (another stellar time in the lives of teens <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), and the realize exactly what transpired, it freaks them a bit. They worry about them being cheated on and get scared. I have had that discussion many times with my older daughter. She is dating a great kid right now. Loves him to death. But she has told him "cheat on me once and you are gone" He wonders what the heck she is worried about. When he was telling my husband this, I could see the sadness cross his face. Here his beloved daughter is dating a wonderful young man, she should be giddy with love and looking forward to her future, dreaming of weddings and babies and all that young girls do, and she worries about being cheated on.

So be honest with your kids no matter what you decide about contact. Let them know they can trust you....good times and bad. If you feel like crying about it, do. They KNOW you are hurt, don't lie to them. Then let them see you deal with it and move on. It is far better for them to see the truth of it. They will trust you more, cause you are being honest.

Sad thing is someday, and this will hurt you far worse then the affair or oc,....someday they will come to you with their own letdowns, or failures and you are going to want to be the one who hugs them and loves them and supports them through their own heartbreaks. If they see that you hide things, they might too. And wouldn't you rather they come to you with their problems? If they feel they can't trust you, they will go to their friends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and lord knows that teen friends are not where you want your kids getting life lessons from. Trust is everything between parent and child. IF they feel that you hide big emotional hurts from them, they might think they are supposed to do the same. BIG MISTAKE.

My children trust me. I can totally over-react if they forget to do someting stupid. But I am damm good at the biggies (car accidents, speeding tickets, bad grade) and they know they can count on me.

Trust with your kids is vital in todays society. When you have an affair in your life, it is an obvious breech of trust and it is vital that they learn the tough stuff from mom and dad.....cause they will learn of it. Better they see it dealt with, with all it's warts, then to hide it from them.

<small>[ March 13, 2005, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: LynnG ]</small>

Hey G - Here's my update! It's done and all went really well.

We sat the kids down on Friday night and told them we needed to talk. We started telling them how mom and dad were really working hard at fixing our problems and that things are much better. We emphasized to them that we were working at fixing our family. Then we explained to them that while mom and dad were having problems and dad was not living at home that he met a new friend. He told them that he was wrong to have done that and again emphasized that that relationship was over. But as a result of that relationship, they now have a baby sister.

They were really excited about having a new sister. They, of course, had lots of questions, and we just gave them honest answers in terms they could relate to. They understand that what daddy did was wrong, and I talked to them alot about how people make mistakes and that we need to forgive them. They really handled it all so well - I am really proud of them.

Then on Sat., they got to meet the OC. Again, they were really excited. They weren't too happy that she didn't want to play with them. Babies at that age just don't do too much - I think they expected more in that aspect. My 6yo DD is just in awe of her new sister. She just hovered over and is already talking about how she misses her. That will be the hardest part - not being able to spend the time with her. My 9yo DS asked more questions. Some were difficult, but I was just honest. He would ask things like is OW part of our family too, etc. Those were probably the most difficult to explain. But they do understand what daddy did wrong and they do understand that their little sister is not at fault. We are going to welcome her into our family and love her. She will just not be in our house every day.

The whole thing was probably harder on me then on them. I really had myself prepared for the worse - tears, fears, etc. Their excitment about the baby, while it makes the whole thing easier, really hurt in a way. DS would say things like it was good in a way that dad left because now we have a sister - or this is the best gift I have gotten. It just hurt because I had nothing to do with giving this sister to them. I should have been the one - not OW. But I will deal with those emotions and continue to pray that the kids continue to handle this whole situation so well.

One thing I can tell you for sure, I do feel better now that the truth is in the open. It releases alot of the stress!

I know I am leaving out lots of details - it was a busy weekend. So if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Good luck to you. I think your kids will be fine as long as you are honest with them. Reassure them that you and H are together. Praying all goes well for you!

Kris

Thanks Kris, that was reassuring. I have a 5 yr old dd and 8 yr old ds. I imagine it will be a lot like you said. Did you and H take turns talking or how did you do this? I imagined my H talking mostly about A and how he was wrong and sorry and then me acknowledging my forgiveness and being the one to talk about OC. Do you remember any specifics your children asked or wondered about? If you think of anything you could e-mail me at steph11@sc.rr.com. Glad things went well - or well enough as in such a case.

Cold - Both my H and I did the talking. I started off my telling them that we were working on fixing our family because I thought it was important that they did not worry about divorce. We have been separated for over a year and I know my 9yo worried about D. So I really wanted to start off with reassuring them that we are working to prevent that. I really think that is what my 9yo thought the talk was going to be about, because as soon as I started talking about mom and dad having problems, he got teary eyed. So we both immediately reassured him that that was not going to happen.

My H then explained about OW and resulting OC. He told the kids he was wrong for what he did, but that they had a sister who has a different mom. Again, my 9yo was the one to react. He has a friend whose parents are divorced and he now has a stepbrother. That made it easier to explain the type of relationship they would have with the OC - visits on weekends, etc.

Really once they heard about a baby sister, they were really excited. They wanted to know all about her and at that point we showed them pictures, etc. We left it up to them if they wanted to meet her on Sat., but they didn't even hesitate to say yes.

Later in the evening, my 9yo started asking me more questions about OW. We described her as a girlfriend, which at his age he understood what that meant and that husbands should not have girlfriends. He asked why daddy had a girlfriend, if she would be part of our family too, if they would visit OC at her home, if I was happy about OC, how I felt about OW, etc. He also asked if daddy was a bad person. I really emphasized that good people make bad choices and mistakes - that does not make them a bad person.

Gosh, I can't think of all the questions, but they were all along those lines. I guess the best thing to do is be prepared for anything, but be honest with them.

I really think that the ages of our kids play to our favor. Their innocense protects them for the moment in truly understanding the betrayal and hurt of the affair. In time, I expect anger will come when they are old enough to truly understand. But by that time, we will have lived several years showing them an example of love and forgivenss. Just reassure them that their world as they know it is safe - that they just have another sib to share it with.

My 9 yo was definitely the most vocal about the whole thing. My 6 yo - who is quiet and shy by nature - didn't ask much. She sat and listened and was also very excited about becoming a big sis. I also reassured her that just because she is now a big sis, doesn't mean she is not my baby. She will always hold that special place in my heart.

Hope this helps. I wrote down your email address. I can't email you from work, but I will send you my address when I get home. You can email me anytime if you have questions.

Kris

Kris, I know this must have been so hard on you and you handled yourself great. This oc is lucky to have your family in the oc's life. Even with me having the oc...I had to reassure my twins that they are still my babies. They were 5 when she was born. I had one twin that was so excited while I was pregnant than one that was not. Then after she was here a week or two they switched places. The baby was not fun etc., so it was not like she thought it was going to be. The one that was not so excited about her became her second mommy (would have been her mommy if I would have let her). I also think your right with your lucky with the age of your kids. I just want to say good luck to you and I'm glad that part of this is over. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />