I am brand new to this forum. I hope I can find some help. Been married almost 13 years. We have 3 kids (9,7,4) and our middle son is severely disabled...I had to leave a career to stay home to care for his many medical needs.

My husband, as long as I've known him has had a thing for porn, dirty mags, etc. We have a good sex life, relatively speaking...but when the children came along I got more and more disgusted. He sneaks onto the computer and looks at nasty stuff as soon as I am gone.

I have begged, pleaded, that I hate it. That I do not want it in my house. He stops for a while, and starts again.

Yesterday, Sunday...was the worst...I took my 3 kids to Sunday school and came home to find that he had been on my computer (I have a home business) not only viewing PORN, but also chatting, and doing searches on personals for woman in his "desired interest" whatever

I feel trapped, frustrated, and after 6 years of anti depressants because of my sons traumatic situation, loss of my career as an HR Director, and the weight gain of 40 pounds...his behavior freaks me out. He says he loves me...but what should I do.

Is it wrong for a man to be searching personals? I dont know if he is contacting people....HELP please....

I don't know if this is "pregnancy" related or not; you may get more responses from the General Questions II forum.

Sorry to hear of your troubles with your husband. I know first hand how addictive and pernicious internet pornography can be. It is literally an epidemic among men around the world, who are particularly susceptible to visual stimulation. Many people will say there's nothing "wrong" with it, but IMVHO the crass, demeaning view of women it feeds the male psyche is extremely unhealthy (not to mention the real effects of the cruel, vicious industry it perpetuates).

In the spirit of liberty and free speech, I suppose there is theoretically nothing wrong with viewing legal adult consensual pornography. And if legal pornography is enjoyed by a couple together to enhance their own intimacy, in this country they are free to do so. But for one partner to flagrantly ignore the respectful request of their spouse about something so sensitive and intimate -- especially when they've tried and failed to stop in the past -- indicates an addiction that cannot be healthy for the individual or the couple and ultimately does not need to be tolerated.

Separately, it is very wrong for a married man to be searching personal ads, potentially contacting people individually to pursue his sexual interests. That is exactly how internet affairs begin, and if I were you my alarms would be going off. Since you're posting this, it sounds like they are.

Best of luck to you. Porn addiction is real and like any addiction requires real steps by the addict to break. There are many resources online you could check on, but of course use caution searching for "porn" related topics to avoid any nasty pop-ups etc. If I can find any helpful sites, I'd be glad to pass them along.

JH, usually there is a welcome party on here to welcome you to the site but they must all be busy so I will do the honors. So sorry that you have found yourself here but you will find some very supportive people not to mention great advice from the MB website. The forum you are on is mainly people dealing with pregnancies/children as products of affairs. Not sure how much help you will get here, you may want to post in GQ. Anyway, my H has a track record of affairs, but he also has a track record of internet porn, chatting, personal ads, etc. It is a red flag, I must caution you. Are you aware of any infidelities in the marriage? Hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FYI, a Google search for "pornography addiction recovery" yielded no objectionable material in the top results. Best wishes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost71:
<strong> I don't know if this is "pregnancy" related or not; you may get more responses from the General Questions II forum.

Sorry to hear of your troubles with your husband. I know first hand how addictive and pernicious internet pornography can be. It is literally an epidemic among men around the world, who are particularly susceptible to visual stimulation. Many people will say there's nothing "wrong" with it, but IMVHO the crass, demeaning view of women it feeds the male psyche is extremely unhealthy (not to mention the real effects of the cruel, vicious industry it perpetuates).

In the spirit of liberty and free speech, I suppose there is theoretically nothing wrong with viewing legal adult consensual pornography. And if legal pornography is enjoyed by a couple together to enhance their own intimacy, in this country they are free to do so. But for one partner to flagrantly ignore the respectful request of their spouse about something so sensitive and intimate -- especially when they've tried and failed to stop in the past -- indicates an addiction that cannot be healthy for the individual or the couple and ultimately does not need to be tolerated.

Separately, it is very wrong for a married man to be searching personal ads, potentially contacting people individually to pursue his sexual interests. That is exactly how internet affairs begin, and if I were you my alarms would be going off. Since you're posting this, it sounds like they are.

Best of luck to you. Porn addiction is real and like any addiction requires real steps by the addict to break. There are many resources online you could check on, but of course use caution searching for "porn" related topics to avoid any nasty pop-ups etc. If I can find any helpful sites, I'd be glad to pass them along. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

As far as I know there has been no infidelity in the marriage. I am not sure how this message ended up under this topic... The thing is, we cycle through verbal abuse/anger issues with him, and he is in treatment for that. He is a quiet guy, and I really just dont know where his head is at. I have my hands full as a MOm of three, especially my disabled C who has many issues.

If he denies that he intened on contacting the personals he was searching, doesnt it still serve as a concern for me!! Am I overreacting here?? I am so tired, after 13 years, of trying to help him with his anger, with his depression, and I certainly dont have the stamina to heal a porn addiction...but what choice do I have.

Should I be in another posting area...

Anyone else had experience with husbands behaving badly on the computer?

I don't think anyone minds you posting here, but you are likely to get more responses in the General Questions II forum.

If my spouse were looking at personal ads, I'd be concerned even if she said she never intended to contact them. If your husband did intend to contact them, would you expect him to admit it? Does he freely admit what he's done with pornography, or does he hide it, too?

Only you can determine if you are overreacting. It doesn't seem like his behavior is OK with you. It wouldn't be OK with many, many wives here. Even worse, you've asked him many times to stop, and he doesn't. That only leaves you a couple choices -- either you decide to create consequences for his disregard for your needs, or you decide to tolerate it. It's ultimately your decision.

Hi JH,
I would say that his behavior is outside the bounds of what you are comfortable with. His disregarding YOUR wishes is a major warning sign that I wish I had paid A LOT more attention to early on, when our problems were as "simple" as internet porn. I felt I was over-reacting, too. Then an affair began (actually at his job, not on the internet), now he had to quit his great job and the OW is pregnant with his baby. SO..... my advice? Listen to your instincts and expect him to RESPECT things that bother you.
The chat rooms, personals? COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is playing with FIRE and if he thinks you are overreacting then he is in denial about the danger of the issue or is trying to hide something. My H asked if your husband is open or hiding the behavior. Key question... if he gets defensive about it, beware! I'm not trying to scare you, or overreact, but if I had it to over again I would have made a HUGE issue about the porn - MIGHT have saved us some heartbreak later on, as the addiction issue for porn and the affair had some of the same roots.

Saying he doesn't intend to contact the personals he's searching? Yeah, and when I go to the mall, I don't plan to buy anything either... and then you see the sweater that looks like it will fit just right...

He totally hides the behavior and when I find out and confront he goes into what he is in now...what I call "the abandonment" phase. I catch him, he turns it around on me...by not speaking to me, sleeping in another room, and being all withdrawn. Got the name of a counselor today. Decided to finally put it on the table in front of a third party..not sure if he'll go. Not sure what to think. In a few days, he'll come looking for a hug. My problem is the inherent weakness of being emotional and not angry enough. I always forgive. But I know my trust is eroding.

I know that porn is an addiction, but what burns is the personal ads...why is he curious...and why doing it when I am not home. He is also losing weight, working out more than ever, reading "Mens Health" like the bible, and in the mean time, I am overweight and under-pampered...no time for me, because 3 little ones absorb so much energy. I do try to look good, I am an attractive woman, but it seems hard to care since my self esteem is in the toilet. All because of this...this secret world. 7 year old has a malformed brain, doesnt speak, seizures, many problems..but a happy kid, sweet as an angel from heaven. I do EVERYTHING...from the advocacy to the diapering, to the changing of his g tube to setting appointments, going to therapy and fighting for equipment. Run two part time business from home, and take care of a 4 year old boy (normal) and very active 9 year old daughter. He seems to have time to pamper himself. Yes, he works full time...but still.

And he hides the secret little lustful time...yes. I feel degraded that he has sex with himself and visual images. Does porn often lead to personal ad searches and chat connections???? Any one know?

I think I will post on the General thanks...boy do I need some friends right now.