Every place I turn to for advice gives me the same thing over and over. Whether it be this site, other websites, my IC, our MC, people I've met online that are in the same situation, Retrouvaille, books, etc.

"Move on, put it in the past, work towards the future."

My question to all of you is how the F*** do I do that? This stuff isn't ever going to be in my past. It will always be a part of my present and always a part of my future. It ain't never goin' away!

Yeah, my H is working hard at reconcilation and all. But... That's a mighty big word, but. I'm totally stuck. I can't get over the fact that he brought this SH** into our lives. I hate it. Every bit of it. I truly feel stuck. I can't get away from it.

If I were to divorce my H this would still be here. There is still the possibility of the oc entering into my children's lives. On the surface all seems well but underneath, I'm seething.

Angry at my H for his complete and absolute stupidity. Angry at the ow for getting pregnant (oh yeah, I'm sure she'd say it was an "accident". Accident, my a$$.) Angry at the oc for it's existence (keep your pro-oc flames to yourself, because I don't care one wit about that kid) Angry that the oc is a boy. Angry that the b!+ch waited so long to let my H know about that kid (I would be way long gone if this had come out in the beginning of our reconciliation) Angry that my children have a sibling that doesn't belong to ME. Angry! Angry! Angry!

So again, my question is: How do you move on from something that never, ever goes away?

Cryn

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

Don't know if I can answer your question, but I know exactly how you feel. The anger has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I am afraid that my head might explode some days with anger.

The last fews days have been really bad. This weekend I scribled 8 pages worth of very nasty thoughts about OW/OC. They were not pretty! I get very p****d off when I think about how stupid H and OW were and some days still are!

It is on my mind all the time. The sight of her sets me off. I lterally had to keep myself from running her off the road the other day. That is scarey! If I have one piece of advice it would be to get the anger out (in a good way, don't run anyone off the road!). I am working on that myself.

I have been told that anger is a phase and that it will pass with time. I am hopeful that it does soon becasue I scare myself somedays!

I am trying to figure out how too move on also. I just think it is going to take a lot of time. Keep yourself busy. I have found that is the best way to keep you mind off all of the crap that keeps falling at your feet. Don't know if this helped any, but know that you are not alone, and some days are better than other.

B.~

I don't know if it's "moving on" or just "acceptance".

I still get angry. I still feel so much hatred for OW sometimes it scares me. I still feel resentment toward my H for being such an idiot (occasionally). And yes, there are moments when I even feel hostility toward OC. Usually I go through a transitional period when she comes to visit. The first couple of hours OC is there I have to remind myself that she is a child, she is not at fault, and it does me no good to loathe her.

I made a choice. My H betrayed me and I chose to stay. When the DNA results proved my H to be her father, I chose to stay. Everyday I make a choice, and I know that if at any point I can no longer take it, I am free to leave. My H and I have talked over and over again - he always tells me "I will not blame you if you cannot deal with this, if you want a divorce, whether it's today or ten years from now, I will give you an amicable and fair split."

So far, I've managed to muddle through. I have not "moved on", this is a daily struggle, I do not foresee being able to move on, only the ability to accept my life the way it is and make any changes I myself may deem necessary.

I feel your pain, anger, sadness.....

We all do.

Big Hugs,
AVNL

I just want to say that I understand those feelings.

Sunday will be 3 yrs since D-day for me. I still think about the A daily. IT still hurts. I thought by now I would "be over it", but I'm not and dont know if I ever will be.

Some days I am just tired of hurting. Today is one of those days.

I am sorry for your pain.

Lori

Crynsomuch,
First of all, yes, divorce would not take away your anger and pain ... it only adds more to the feelings you have to deal with if it is done on the wrong moment ...

There will come a time when you will get tired of feeling like this ...
I DID write a letter to OW ... 8 pages ... answering her 4 pages clueless letter ... I'm not saying you should do the same but for me I put everything, everything I felt about her, about the affair and about OC ... did it do any good? probably not ... but after I wrote it, I felt that the letter took all the feelings I had. Later I realized that OW was not worth of any of MY feelings ...

You've heard this before: Love is a decision, Trust is a decision ... moving on is also your decision ... Do you want to live the rest of your life thinking about the A, about OW and about OC ??? ... no! of course not!
I found a way to drain my anger, the letter ...
I decided that I was going to be happy .. for me ... for my D ... if xH wants to join me ... fine ... if not ... his lost ...
It is something I have to remind myself everyday ... Today, I choose to be happy ... today, God is with me ... today is a new day and it will be better than yesterday ... and I will not allow anyone to take that away from me ...
Does this work? Almost ... there are some days that I feel sad ... but then I look back, just a little peek over my shoulders ... and I see how far I've moved ... some days slow ... some days slower ... but moving ...

Brandy, AVNL, Ty & Mily,

Thanks for responding. I'm hearing from all of you that this is definitely a journey. I too want desperatly to be "over this" by now but, as you can tell, I'm not even close.

Acceptance is something I'm having a really hard time with. I can't imagine that I'll ever get to that point in my life. I don't easily forgive people that have done me wrong. I truly can see myself becoming bitter as the years go by. I don't want to be that person though I very easy could.

The absolute wrongness of this crap curdles my stomach. I love my husband yes but, is love really enough?

Not to make light of others problems but, I read the stories of bs whose h's have had affairs(no oc, so far) and I think to myself, "Hell, this would be easy if it were ONLY an affair." I would be well on the way to recovery if there were no oc involved but alas, I'm not to be so lucky.

I know in my head that my h never had any feelings for the ow. I know that the last thing in the world he wanted was a kid with her. I'm pretty confident that she picked him to father the child she wanted (this isn't a bs delusion~merely conclusion based on the facts). She was nothing more than a 7 weekend diversion to him, a place to go while he tried to get his head out of his a$$. Something that ended as easily as it started.

My heart sees it a different way though. As I'm sure all of your hearts do too. It's a serious violation. Not so much a violation of me but more a violation of my family, my children. How could he bring this upon my, our children?

I also know that in a world of 6 billion people it really shouldn't matter who fathered that child but it does. It's my h's dna. No one else's and the fact that he doesn't want a relationship with it doesn't change that dna test result or my feelings.

Sorry, if I'm rambling. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Just trying to work this out in my head, one way or the other.

Cryn

I still feel hurt once in awhile.
What helped(s) me to get over the pain and anger,
going for walks till I calm(ed)down and the biggies:
I PRAY AND
I GAVE IT ALL TO GOD!!!!
GOD IS AWSOME!!!

Angels,

Giving it over to God is a big leap for me. I've never been particulary religious until this whole oc issue came up. Now I find myself leaning heavily towards it. Every day I'm praying for guidance because I need to believe that this can get better.

Cryn.

God is always there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I promise it does get better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It hurts because you have a living breathing reminder of his betrayal.

I think the others without OC and the adultery to deal with can have NC and never look back if the couple wants that , but with OC involved just not possible or that easy.

So the adultery/infidelity gets a face and never truely gets a chance to go away and never be thought of again.

"So the adultery/infidelity gets a face and never truely gets a chance to go away and never be thought of again."

Cordelia,

That's exactly my point. It never ends. It never goes away. You can't "get over it" because it's never behind you. You can't leave the past in the past because this never becomes the past. It's always in the present, always in the future even if I divorce the [censored].

The part I hate the most is that this has F***ED with all of the good memories I have. I think about the birth of my children and the birth of this oc creeps in. I think about when my children were babies, reaching milestones and thoughts of the oc cloud my vision. I look at photos of my children and all I can see is a faceless baby that I wish didn't exist. This SUCKS!

Cryn

Cryn,

Big hugs to u, I am almost 3 yrs. past DDay & moving on..... - I haven't & I am now divorced.

Mily said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all, yes, divorce would not take away your anger and pain ... it only adds more to the feelings you have to deal with if it is done on the wrong moment ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It just doesn't seem to go away, I have forgiven my XH & I still struggle to truly forgive OW. I know that I have too, with God's help maybe one day.

I don't have the thoughts of revenge that I used to toward her, but there r days when I really hate what they did & I struggle with not hating her for participating in destroying my M, for having the nerve to put herself in my M forever by getting pg., & yes I know she didn't do it by herself - XH was right there & I do believe it was planned. But I still ask myself what gave her the right to set out to destroy someone elses life, someone she didn't even know, with not a hint of remorse or common decency that this was not my boyfriend but my H!

Move on, I wish I could say it is possible, I believe u just get to a place, with a lot of prayer, over time where the hurt & anger r not as great, but I don't see how u can move on when as someone said there is a living breathing reminder of your H's infidelity.

I too often say if it was just an A, it would be a lot easier to forgive, put it in the past, really move on & work toward having a restored M but with an OC involved, does the A & it "after affects" ever really go away????

I wish that my XSD didn't exist I really do, but she does & I have to say my XH is a really good father & I know that he will be in her life always which means she would be in mine. In a lot of ways I believe she needed me but then again I think I never wanted a daughter, definitely didn't want to be anyone's stepmother so this is for the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

But I want my M back, I can't even move on from that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That's exactly my point. It never ends. It never goes away. You can't "get over it" because it's never behind you. You can't leave the past in the past because this never becomes the past. It's always in the present, always in the future even if I divorce the [censored]. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cryin, it DOES fade away very slowly if you have NC!! It DOES! No OW or OC there in your face- just you and your family!!

Your H made a huge mistake and it cost everyone a lot. But it is OVER now. You are alive, and so is your living breathing family. You have one another! You did not die in a tsunami, your children are healthy.... you are not on the street.... etc...

For me, the child most times doesn’t exist to me. Not being cold- but this is just the reality of it. It is only through H's decision for NC, that I have been able to let the ordeal fade.

Is it faded every day? NO. But right around this time - 2 year mark- you should be feeling a bit better. If you are not, then you seriously need to consider some light meds. I have been told they are wonderful in an effort to help the obsessive and sad thoughts about this. It just takes some longer!

And "why can you just move on" …. Think of it like this. If someone else were to ask you that question you would have plenty of reasons that justify your problems with it!!!!! You would not look like a moron, a weak sap or a nut job because after 2 "whole" years you cannot get over your life and dreams being shattered? And a child of this?? Ugh!

If you owed money to your landlord and wanted to "MOVE"… you could not just MOVE ON--- you'd have to settle up with your current landlord to prevent bad credit, etc, RIGHT? Well the analagy I'm getting at is that you cannot simply MOVE ON- you must get thru what I call the "mandatory hurting" phase…… 2 years is NORMAL!

Stop thinking you cant get thru- you are right now, arent you!!!!!! Did you think you'd ever face something like this and keep on at all??? I didn't. I'd have said I'd have been in a straight jacket or a murderer by now!!

Try herbal meds first, even- I hear they work too!!