Just got a call abou 45 min ago at work from someone saying they saw H and OW at the mall Sat. night holding hands. H was supposed to have gone to a friends in another town. After hung up the phone calles H at work and told him I knew. Called him some very bad things. He says we will talk about it when he gets home.

I am still at work shaking like a leaf and in tears. Put on a good show when boss came back. I am such and idiot for taking him back he keeps lying to me and I keep falling for it.

We are both off at 5 and I am going to leave work & sit in the paking lot so I know for sure he comes straight home. And so help me God if I see her in that paring lot it will take all I have to keep from beating her to a bloody pulp!

I don't know what to do. Did a lot of yelling and sceaming already (good thing there is no one in the offfice!)

Brandy,

Don't beat anyone (or run them over). Gather information, and then make an informed, rational decision---preferrably when you've calmed down.

So sorry Brandy80, relapse in any form makes for the crummiest days ever. Stay strong, let us know how things are going.

I am hoping that you are OK, I know that when you feel you are rebuilding your marriage and something like this happens that it just feels like your life is out of control. I hope that you're OK.

I'm so sorry {{{Brandy}}}....Please let us know how you are....

Big Hugs,
AVNL <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Bumping up! Brandy, please post! Getting a little worried here! I hope you are okay.

Sorry that it took me so long to get back. I was in such a rush to get out of here on monday that I forgot to let everyone know that I was not going to be around for a few days. I don't have a computer at home and Tue. & Wed. are my days off at work. Sorry if I made anyone worry!

Update- Left work Monday, went to his work he had left already. Called cell and he was on his way home. When I got home I was in know mood to talk. All I wanted to do was scream at him anyway. So I let him clean up the mess that dog made of a couple of my plants and I went and sat in bed for about 20 mins to cool off. Went to take dog for walk and H didn't want me to leave. So I said fine and I ripped into him. I know I really shouldn't have but I needed it and he needed to know that I was not just going to sit by and put up with this crap.

This is his story. We was headed out with he guys when OW called his cell. So he turned around and went shopping with her. He said it was because she was looking for something for her D and she couln't find it. Anyway he spent the night at her house on the couch. I told H he needed to use the brain that God Gave him. I was not nice at all.

Went to IC on Wed. she is pushing me towards D. H says he doesn't want to lose me, but I just think he is blowing smoke. He still just doesn't get it. I don't know what I want. I lied to one of my friends when they asked me how things are going. I feel bad crying about it all the time to her. I did get Surviving an Affair yesterday. The dog got ahold of it this morning and tried to eat it.

H has been good with me the las t 2 days but he was good before and then pulled this crap. He has proven that I need to be stuck like glue to him. Last night we went a grand opening of one of his companys new stores. While we were not in the car OW left message on his phone. He didn't check. I will ask tonight what it was she flet was so important Maybe she needs to go shopping again. gerrrrrr!).

So that is were things are here. All I know is that I need a vacation! I just feel like the word is flying by and I am sitting still.

Happy St. Patty's Day everyone!

SO sorry, Brandy. Based on what you posted, I'm skeptical about his explanation -- "slept on the couch" in particular! He just sounds very foggy in all this, and I hope and pray that something moves him to clear some fog and allow him to make better choices for both of you, if that's truly where his heart is. I also pray for strength for you... this too shall pass.

Breathe in, breathe out, be strong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway he spent the night at her house on the couch. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't, by any stretch of the imagination, believe this, do you Brandy?

And you don't believe that he just "turned around" because she called...

And you don't feel you have the right to listen for yourself, if OW left a new message?

Brandy, he is lying and it would be obvious to a 9 year old. You are allowing yourself to believe him a bit, because you dont want to believe the A is still going on, but it is.

The fact that he even "goes out with the boys" is not acceptable, in my opinion. WS needs to have some trust at some point and some normalcy, but sorry-- my H does not even ask, desire or think about "going out with boys" after all of this nightmare my family has endured. We either go out together and have fun or we do couples things-- get togethers, activities. That doesn't mean you are ending his life -- just that this leaves way too much room for his A.

I really feel lately that I am being a real party poop to everyone-- like all I do is tell people their H is a liar. I hate it, but I cannot stop myself from being real with you because I care. Because I have been there and am not judgmental, but worried and scared that these situations (left undealt with) are going to kill your heart when you realize you are enabling and A is going on full swing still.

It is only with HUGE hugs and concern that I say these things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .... Protect yourself Brandy, and keep taking that doggy of yours out for walks-- LOTS of them! Hey you'll feel better, less stessed, and your puppy will perhaps chew less cause he'll be so tired! LOL!!

Hugs! Gio

Gio,
Thanks. You can jump on the boat with everyone else that thinks I am the one who needs to pull my head out of my rear end and not H. I am to the point now that If I stay it is hopless and if I leave it is hopeless. I am tired of dealing with the crap, but at the same time I am the one who lets it continue. I just want to walk away, but it scares the h*** out of me. I am so tired of the "you're you young you can start all over" speach. People ask what do you want. I want my H and d****t I will not just walk away and tell OW that he is all hers now. I will not let the last 8 years of my life all be for nothing.

I have always been a very trusting person and I find it very hard not to be. Do I honestly believe everything that comes out of H mouth? Heck No! It all get taken with a grai of salt.

Do believe that I am listening to your advice. I just need to get it through my thick skull that I would be better off if I got rid of him. If I was really as smart as I thought I was I would have walked away and never looked back 6 months ago. Added to all of the crap going on at home is a job I hate in a town i can't stand, a dog with speration anxiety, a car that is falling apart and friends and family that don't understand, I really just want to explode.

Brandy, I know what you feel because I have been there/am there. I've put up with my H's latest A for 19 months. For 19 months I've been fully aware that it is happening, (of course he had me convinced several times that it was over) but I did nothing. That's all changed. I decided that he wasn't going to run the show anymore. I wasn't going to allow him to be the decision maker (pick her, pick me, yada, yada). I decided to make a stand for myself. I'm going house shopping w/my realtor tomorrow (because I too hate the town I'm in, not to mention OW lives 3 blocks down from me), I've got calls in to an attorney, and I'm going to get on with my life while H tries to figure out his. Stand up for yourself, Brandy. I'm not telling you to leave him, I'm not telling you to stay, I'm telling you to take a stand for yourself. You don't have to live the way you are living, but only YOU can change that. Do it now, don't wait 19 months like I did to finally come to the realization that I am a person too and I need to be heard. And besides, you standing up for yourself may make H realize that you mean biz and he straighten up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .Lots of Love, Michele

Michele, I have to pop back in to say that I am very proud of you.

19 months is a long time.

Yet, when you feel weak, consider how many wives have put up with this or stayed (knowingly) for YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS. In the scheme of things- you have children and a life that you are bravely, now, going to uplift because you are taking a stand.

Brandy, like Michele, like me, we thought we could not fathom being strong enough one day to take a stand, to brave the unknown and embark on a new life with or without our husbands. I did what Michele did and I obtained a rent to own home on my own, packed up and H found the contract along w/boxes being packed without his consent or knowledge.

Let me say to you and to Michele that this was the step that made H wise up and follow me to our new life. He realized that he was facing being left in his own misery, his own mess, his own hell and I was going to be happy with a new life, new chances and a fresh start. Who wants to be left stuck without their family, and in a puddle of mud with OW and a new set of relationship problems,etc etc.. not many.

Good luck to you ladies, my thoughts and prayers are with you in this most horrible time of your life- but remember, you are ALWAYS on the brink of a new life with new hope, if you will just be brave!! I know you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brandy

Does your husband ever think about how he would feel if YOU went and spent the night on the couch of a man that you were once intimate with, much less had a child with?


maybe you should point that out to him.

He was headed out with he guys when OW called his cell. So he turned around and went shopping with her. He said it was because she was looking for something for her D and she couln't find it. Anyway he spent the night at her house on the couch.

That doesn't explain why they were holding hands. He just "turned around" and went shopping with her? Uh, duh, how dense could he be? I'm sorry, you must love him. Otherwise, there'd be no confusion. But it sounds like you're right: he doesn't get it.

Plus, I don't really believe him. He couldn't come home to sleep? I may've missed this part but where were you when he was sleeping on OW's counch? Were you at home in bed waiting? And how dare she call him because she couldn't find something for her D. What is your H? Martha Freaking Stewart? A personal shopper? The gift fairy? Sheesh.

I did ask him to put the shoe on the other foot. He said no he wouldn't like it if I had slept on some man's couch. But I think it only registers in his mind for a few min. and then it is ot the window. I never thought he was a stupid man before but I have changed my mind and told him so. It is as if he has no common sense left at all.

I was at home that night, no I was not waiting for him because I new he you not be home. The friend lives 45 min. away and they were going to be drinking so I knew he was staying there. I would much rather him stay then drive home and possible get pulled over or worse kill himself or someone else. In fact it is my rule if I am not there to drive he stays.

I have never wanted to be one of theose wives that niver lets her H out of he sight. I have never had a problem with him going out with the guys. Now I guess if I stay I will have to be that wife. I guess I should have never let him go in the 1st place or I should have followed him.

Yes I do love him. At IC counselor said I was either too dependant on H (I am not. I'm perfactlt capable of taking care of myself) or I just love him more than a person sould love someone. Who knows. H asked me to take a couple of days off work so we could spend some time together. Don't know what to think about that. It would be really nice to get tht H*** away from my boss!

Brandy,

I'd first like to say that I mean no offense, I too love my H more than air. I went through nearly two years of his fence-sitting, I did lie awake at night wondering where he was and what he was doing. I put up with him having two women for way too long.

Your H was at the mall holding hands with OW , meanwhile you're at home thinking he's with a buddy. He lied to you outright, and he did it knowingly. It was planned , don't kid yourself.

Only you know how much you can take. If this is affecting your ability to work it is obviously causing you major stress. And it should.

You've been dealing with this since November, your H said he'd had the affair five months before that, so basically your H has been fence-sitting for nearly nine months. That's a long time, honey. Long enough for him to have made a decision.

Stand up for yourself. Demand the respect you deserve! As long as you allow him to deficate all over your marriage he will continue to do so.

My H did not come out of the fog until I moved out and then showed up with divorce papers the first time he asked me out to lunch after the move. Even after that, it took eight solid months of NC with XOW and no SF/intimacy with me before he was ready to re-commit to our marriage. Had I never left we WOULD HAVE divorced.

I feel for you, and {{{{Brandy}}}} - it's not that you need to pull your head out of your @ss, you only need to love yourself enough to realize that he is treating you VERY badly. He will not change, and only you can make the decision to change this situation. It won't be easy, you won't be happy (at first), but in the end you'll be giving your H more to love about you. The fact that you won't allow ANYONE to treat you like you don't matter.

It takes two to save a marriage, you can't do it alone. You can't do it with lies, disrespect, or blatant disregard. Follow your brain, not your heart. You KNOW that this is WRONG!

Again, I mean not to offend. As harsh as it may sound, I only mean to show you that you deserve so much more.....

BIG HUGS,
AVNL