Wow, Kandi, I can't believe it's you... on the MB board! I told my H that I am as shocked and awed as if President Bush himself was posting here! I don't mean to be weird, but small world!!! To see that you responded to some of my/our earlier posts and I of course didn't know it was you...

You have NO IDEA how much I have empathized with your situation - I saw you both times on Dr. Phil, and as my H said, the second time was on 2/3/05, and I watched it over & over until I had the courage to file for D on 2/9/05. The parts at the end where he told you the resume' of your "future husband", and "You want 5 more years of this? Become more tired, more deceived?" and "There comes a time where you don't let the most lost person among you guide the ship" (or something like that) - along with him telling you that you had gone to extraordinary lengths to save your marriage & family for your boys, yourself, and your husband. I also felt like so many second-guessed my reactions and situation...

As you can see from our posts, a Plan B/Plan D combo brought things around for us, but of course my H's OW is a complete psycho the likes most have never quite seen, so that made things a little clearer for him too. Also, the OC isn't here yet.

Any words of wisdom for us trying to THINK about reconciling, when OC isn't due until 8/05, of what some of his feelings might be once the due date is closer or the baby is here? We've already been through one MAJOR relapse (resulting in the OC) and I cannot bear another one, or to put our kids through it again. I just don't know if I'm safe to reconcile with him. I don't trust him. At all. Yet. I am surprised how shattered that trust can really get. I didn't know I could be this guarded with my feelings.

Anyway, I just wanted to personally thank you SO MUCH for having the courage to go on Dr. Phil with your story, and to assure you that that show in particular moved me that it was time to file for D, which ironically I believe will have a huge role in SAVING our family and our M.

Best wishes to you & your family - stay strong!

NTL,

I know that this is to Rollercoasterpro/Momto3boys, but I wanted to give you some advice from one of the older oldies. I may be the FWS w/OC, but I can tell you that right now, you and Lost have time! You have the time right now to work together to see where your M is going! Many of those who come here, still M'd, and living together, and the OC isn't due for a long time, have worked on their M's, rebuild a new and stronger foundation to their M, survived the birth of the OC, and stuck to their guns on what was decided with the POJA(and since it hasn't really been used in posts to you, that stands for "Policy of Joint Agreement") I think that you and Lost are doing exactly what needs to be done, by going to counseling, and using what you are learning!

Take it from someone who has seen many couples go through, at least here on this board, what you are going through and most, like 95%, have made it through the fire, only to be that much stronger in their relationship together! Think of it as a refiner's fire, like in the bible. It has to be very hot, to burn out all the impurities, in order for the gold or silver to be perfect! To top that off, the refiner CAN'T leave the fire, for fear that it would ruin the gold/silver. God is that refiner. He will watch over you, protect you, make sure that you are safe, no matter what happens! Give your M/M recovery over to Him completely, and you will know what path He has for you! We have done that recently with Sailorman's upcoming transfer. We have worried, fretted, but when we finally just gave it completely over to God, He has made His path clear to us! Right now, we still don't know WHAT'S going to happen, but He has shown us where He DOESN'T want us to go right now. So, Both you and Lost need to release this to God. He WILL show you both the path that you need to take.

Tigger

I couldn't help it -- I had to ditto what NotTooLost said about being awed Kandi that you have joined this board. When I saw you on Dr.Phil, I admire you so much -- you sharing your story like that was so great to someone like me in such a similar situation. I got so many phone calls and emails after both your appearances - "Did you see her -- there's someone else going through it too?" I just want to say thanks to have the guts to go on Dr.Phil.

Beth

You guys are so funny! I have actually been a member of MB for quite some time now! I joined right after DDay last march...and started posting on PG/OC board in July after we found out about OC...but haven't REALLY posted consistently here until recently!

I dont think I am really a good example of saving your marriage when an OC is in the picture, cuz that hasn't been done in my sitch! My H had numerous relapses! The A is still ongoing to this day...not physically, but emotionally...I think they still talk on the phone and he stops by to see the "baby" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I can only tell you from ***MY*** own experience how H acted with the approaching birth! BTW, my children do not know about OC!

As you know, I kicked him out on Nov 21st, he still out of the house now! The child wasnt' due until March...In that time frame he spent his days with the OW...not his Family...I went into Plan B on Jan 2...I was extremely angry in Dec...he TRIED to be good and did things around the house, but was STILL seeing her on the side! The man hasn't got a clue if it hit him in the face! I cant tell you how he acted when the birth was approaching cuz I didnt' really see him or talk to him....I know she was pressuring him to be at the birth, but he did not go...he chose to be with his own children instead!

Today, his life/her life/their life together is a big SECRET on my part! He will not tell me anything! Except he wants to be a FAMILY again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It does absolutely no good to have a conversation with the man! He just doesn't have a CLUE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

When I filmed the THIRD show, the one you are referring to, I was deep into Plan B and I was READY to file for divorce!

Honestly, I do not see us ever being able to have the family that I dream of having again! Even with OW out of the picture, and us having visitation with the OC...I feel that Ed will still lie to me and decieve me...It is like taking TWO worlds and colliding them into ONE! It is just not possible in **MY** situation cuz ED will not let it happen the way it is SUPPOSED to happen!

I beelieve he wants to keep both worlds seperate and live each one as he wants to!

I admire YOU NTL for having the courage to actually go thru with your divorce! I am trying to find that courage, but always find an excuse NOT to file! I WANT to file, but I cant bring myself to do it! WHY??? I dont know!

I see incredible strenght and hope in your M and R both which lacked in mine! Lost is doing everything he can to prove to you that he wants this M to work! Something my own H could not do! My H lacks in many areas and does not have the strength as your H does! I really do think you two will make it!

It is up to YOU NTL to have C with that child or not! Once YOU make that decision, then you can POJA on everything else! I am glad you are here and stick around...these woman are INCREDIBLE! They have sooo much wisdom! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Mt3B - It's been SUCH a busy work, so glad to see your posts though.
I know your H is in that fog so deep. Ugh. OW left a voicemail on H's phone today after his boss saw us at lunch together today (what a weird coincidence that was, the joys of affairs) - anyway the boss must have told OW that we were together. Great. So she had to leave Lost a voicemail (which he did not listen to, but I did) stating that if she had only known he was going to be with me then this breakup would have been easier on her, she thought he was choosing neither of us.

Well, anyone who has followed our story knows that he was choosing to be alone, with the HOPE of recovering his M to me. Of course, this is just a tool/tactic on her part to get him to engage with her, to correct her faulty version of events etc, which he is NOT falling for! Hearing her voice is yucky for me.

Anyway, I'm proud of Lost's progress too. As far as your H, I wish I could say that it's as simple as them being out of the fog and then getting clarity. After a year of this w/ relapses you know that's not true. The amount of counseling and self-awareness, reflection, delving into everything he does and why he does it, evaluation of responses and behaviors, as well as MC is over-whelming to think about sometimes. I'm shocked that anyone with a shred less of reflective abilities than Lost is ever able to successfully overcome this. Lost has his work cut out for him. So do I for that matter...
I wish your H could see what he is doing, and what he is losing. Maybe now that the OC is here, he will feel differently about preserving the M? The MAIN thing I have noticed with Lost coming back to me, leaving, coming back is that Plan B/Plan D makes the WS feel like they might lose something out of their control and it pulls them off the fence. Then in my sitch at least (2X) this made the WS feel ambivalent toward the OW, and express those feelings. That made OW nuts. And that nuttiness affirmed to my H that he was hooked up to a psycho. Her response to him saying "I was suicidal this weekend, I am not well" was "SO WAS I!!! I overdosed on Valium Saturday" I mean, wow. When he had to go to the inpatient mental health hospital, she was also completely selfish about it, "Who's going to take care of me?" and "Why am I the last to know about this?" - he had been living with her for the previous 3 days and she hadn't done a thing about his spiraling depression. Good grief.
Anyway, my point being that I don't know exactly how your Plan B is going for you, but I hope that it pulls him around. If he's on the boards, and he knows that you are Plan B-ing with the full intention of taking him back if HE wants to then the choices are all still up to you. Plan D may ring a little more true to him... of course, you may also end up divorced. I decided at one point that would be fine with me. I stayed in that place for over a month. Part of me is probably still there. I have never felt this guarded or skeptical of anything in my life. I didn't know the trust could be shattered this deeply. Now we have issues about communicating/trusting about the simplest things. It's like every independant decision has the magnitude of the affair tied to it. It's going to be a learning process, that's for sure.

But hasn't this all been a learning process? I am a lot more discerning now then I used to be, less trusting of those who don't merit my trust, and I recognize selfish and manipulative behavior in ways I did not before. I also see my own co-dependency and enabling, and some of my unhealthy responses in trying to get my emotional needs met as well. I didn't want to learn anything this way, but Refiner's Fire as they say.