Yesterday, XOW could not get through to our home voicemail (our line was damaged, fixed now), tried to call my H's cell (which she has been told was for business only, the number was changed immediately after the last time she called it) and couldn't get through, so she called ME @ WORK!! Simply to ask me to have my H call her because OC has the flu and wouldn't be attending school today, which doesn't make any sense because we don't even get a visit until tomorrow.

I've had it. I kept my cool, but I don't want to deal with her any longer. We've tried the "parent communication notebook" which she refused to use and eventually got rid of, H's been up front about her not calling his cell (which she continued to do), H asked for NC unless it's an emergency and still she's constantly calling.

My H is supposed to go to their hearing late this month to finalize the custody/visitation agreement and he continues to tell me that he doesn't want to rock the boat until after the papers are finalized.

How can I get her to stop harassing us?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Would the courts think a NC letter (excluding OC emergencies) signed by my H and I is ridiculous?

Am I going to have to deal with this always?

XOW would not EVER tolerate me calling her under any circumstances, why should I have to tolerate her behavior??

Please advise, I've had it with her!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aVictimNoLonger:
<strong> tried to call my H's cell (which she has been told was for business only, the number was changed immediately after the last time she called it) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hate to be sh*t stirrer, but how did she get his cell # if he changed it immediately after the last time she called it?

Av-- dont get me started LOL!

ALL I can say is that I have taken a few (what i call ghetto) phone calls at work and I let the callers HAVE IT both times... BE FIRM with this person because you will eventually take it out on H if it is not handled, therefore taking a toll on your M..

Or - my H and called her and H talked the whole time, presenting a united front for us and relaying firm NC with her. At the end of the conversation I said "thank you, goodbye". I think a conversation btw the 3 of you on the phone- brief- is a good way to try first. Hey, file harassment charges if you have to, but who the heck wants to go that route- all the mess..

I think you are handling this very well. You are a lady and a class act, however, we ladies must be firm w/ow and defend our M and family, sometimes from our own mouth so we are not taken advantage of or taken lightly.

take care AV, I pray tha this gets easier honey!!

Oh sorry, LOL.. I didnt respond to your original question..

A NC letter, IMO, is appropriate if that is what can start the healing (baby step) and bit of closure you need to begin !

Writing letter is a very good stress reliever - it can work wonders on you to release straight, to the point statements without interruptions or sidetracking. Huge release!

Michelle: for clarification (my bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) XOW called my H's OLD cell # and got the "temporarily disconnected" message.

Gio: I was completely taken by surprise that she would even ATTEMPT to contact my H through me, let alone call me at work!

We have never written a NC letter, I suppose I just assumed early on that we would have to deal with her because of OC. Now, my H had assured me when we tried C again that he would be firm with XOW about not calling unless it's an emergency. XOW isn't cooperating and my H doesn't want to rock the boat. I thought maybe a NC letter signed by both of us and sent registered mail might get the idea through her thick skull. But, I wouldn't even know where to begin with a NC letter considering there will always be some C due to OC.

But she's calling our home an average of three to five times a week for ridiculous things, then constantly calling my H's cell (which she CAN'T do anymore, unless she mysteriously gets his new number like last time), and now calling me at work when all else fails. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My H waited to call her back until I came home from work, and told her not to call me at work anymore at all. She was irritated, but I DON'T CARE!!

My place of employment is like a vacation from the XOW nightmare, which seems to follow me everywhere else I go.

What would my NC letter sound like?

And if XOW showed it to the courts, would my H look like an idiot?

Thanks guys (gals)!

I forget--do you have an attorney?

WE did have a 'consultation' w/ a great one, unfortuneately we were out of $$$$$$$ to hire her. BUT here is some advise she gave us concerning these exact things.....She did challenge us on: how can you parent if you can't communicate? WE explained that we communicate through the log book & phone calls can be made for EMERGENCIES but we do not want anything else. THEN she understood. SHE suggested/legally recommended that you have it WRITTEN in your court papers exactly that: Communication is to be written through a log-book AND only be about OC, nothing else AND phone calls are to be for emergency situations only.

IN court, I think if your H explained this to the judge in a calm manner how this was to avoid any confusion as to the care of OC & to prevent any personal misunderstandings, that the judge would understand.

As far as a NC letter, I, personally, DON'T think this is a good idea @ this point. Maybe write one to get your frustration out but don't send it. NOT unless you are ready to end C w/ OC as well.

As far as OC mom calling you @ work........not the brightest idea BUT....I think OC mom did it to 'keep you guys in teh loop' as far as OC attendance goes. It may have been stupid for her to call YOU & also to request H to call her back, that was not necessary but OUR OC mom used to call us everytime OC stayed home from school sick too. I never saw a point to it but I really think she was TRYING to be a good communicator & felt we should know if/when OC was sick. (even if it wasn't our day or anything)

Maybe H can tell her he appreciates her calling to let you guys know. AND that he trusts that she will properly care for OC when OC is sick so there will be no reason for HIM to be calling her back, she can leave a message. OR just DON'T call back. kwim?

It's like a little kid sometimes, you have to encourage & praise the good stuff & sometimes you have to ignore the bad stuff. kwim?

Hope this helps......deep breathes, deep breaths....lol

xoxoxo
kt

AV

I understand your frustration, But I am a little confused, How on earth do you have a healthy co-parenting relationship if you refuse to speak? Exactly what good does it do for a child to only have his/her parents speak through a notebook. its disfunctional at best and can not be healthy way to grow up?

I think the notebook is a good idea, but certainly not as the only form of communication.

if you dont want to deal with her, then let husband, but most bs seem to feel if they deal, it will prevent a Affair from starting again. I however believe, if it is going to rekindle it will with or with out us watching over them.

As far as a no contact letter, Have your husband send a letter stating how he would like to be contacted and give her a number to call if needed. I wonder if the baby had been sick and not told you, would you have blasted her for not telling you?
I tell my daughters father if she is sick, and if she misses school, why, because he wants to know, and he does pay half of her tuition.

if she is really being a problem then adress in her letter she is calling too often and it is preventing you to have open communication about said child.

Maybe she was concerned about sending the child away sick, If my daughter is sick she prefers to be at home. My guess is in time this will all calm down and will become routine and uneventful if every one lets it be till the papers go through court. if she isnt cooperative she can be faulted in court and that includes not telling him when child is sick. Maybe she has an attorney advising her.

Mom of five: I'm sure you are not familiar with my story, you can look up my profile if you like and read my recent posts, but I will give you a small run down.

XOW does not do well with C with my H, healthy co-parenting is not her forte. XOW believes that my H should financially support OC, but does not believe that he really has a right to make any decisions regarding OC. Everything is always her way or no way. She harasses us, calls constantly, starts fights with my H over the phone, has threatened us with the police for trying to contact OC. She will, on a whim, deny my H any contact with OC for months and months. There's more, but I'm too tired to go through it.

My H and XOW have not gotten along at all since their break up, the notebook is our last hope for PEACEFUL communication between the two of them. My H and XOW become very angry with eachother very easily, and rather than fight my H offered to use the notebook instead. That way they can communicate information back and forth without feeling the need to react to that information immediately.

XOW has stated that my H isn't allowed to see OC while I'm in the picture. H refused, we have gone through long periods (8-10 mos.) without being allowed to see OC.

You know what, it doesn't matter. This was my choice, I stayed, so I guess I deserve whatever XOW dishes out...you're right, how the hell can I expect them to co-parent while I'm in the way...

**** it.

I am sorry I didnt mean to upset you.
I see your point, it is a shame she had an opportunity to have someone co parent with her. As a parent, any extra help is always welcome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would go through an attorney and just get them to address the situation. Just makes sure you address that you found this as a last effort to establish what is best for the child.
hopefully she will see this and knock off the stress for her self and you.

I in no way meant you shouldnt be involved, Just what I read sounded as if calling you was the last straw and you did not want to have to communicate with her.

While choosing contact doesnt mean you have to be a doormat, it does mean both sides have to try and work with the other for the welfare of all children involved. NOT an easy task. I know this first hand. Like I said I think the notebook is a great idea for all parties, You know if a child does something absolutely adorable you can share with the other parent and it isnt forgotten.
We share pictures and things she says and does all the time. But I would never call his wife for any reason, but she is free to call my house any time she wishes. As is any one in the family.

Write the letter and then dont worry your self over it, YOU did what you could do.
again I didnt mean to offend.

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Mom of five:

Don't mind me, I'm just tired of it all today.

I'm tired of always having to deal with everything on XOW's terms. I'm tired of my H [censored]-footing around her constantly trying not to upset her.

What about ME?! The child in me is having a temper tantrum today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Who the hell does she think she is? I've tried to be nice to her, even though she tried to steal my H and got knocked up (on purpose) to solidify her position in his life. Her whole purpose in life since my H broke it off has been to punish my H, me and my children.

I'm just so tired, maybe the C idea was hasty. It's making me feel more angry, bitter, and sad than I've felt in a long time.

I hate her. I want revenge. I want to make her hurt like she hurt me, I want to upset her the way she upsets my H, and if that makes me an @$$hole, so be it.

No offense taken, I'm overly sensitive today and I know it.

Co-parent? If she wanted a healthy parenting arrangement, she should've found her own godd@mn man! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I know the hurt and the anger and even the revenge feelings. My husband is /was a serial cheater, I have had more d days than there are days in a month. If I could have run over one with my car I probably would have <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But now what good would it do?, let them win? Thats how I see it, why let them get to me. They are not worth it. And believe me they know when they are getting the best of you.

Now I transfer my anger and hate into something more productive.Love for MYSELF and MY children.

Yes your right she should have had a baby with someone who wasn't taken, But now that there is a baby and you and your husband have agreed to co-parent, You have to make the best of it, for your self as well as your children.

If you are not able to remove your self from the anger and wanting revenge, maybe it is best if you stop contact till you are able to move past some of this. How can you be healthy parents to a child with so much anger and hate still around. Take care of your self first. The rest will come later. How is this helping your own children. They dont need to deal with the stress of all this either.How is this helping your marriage? If the other woman is making it so difficult for you, stop contact and let her deal on her own.

I dont see how this is healthy for any one. And if your on the verge of a breakdown, why subject your self to this mess?

While I like the idea of (poja)it only works if both parties are truly in agreement and not if one is doing this just because the spouse wants it.

AVNL-ugh! You sound just like me! BUT I was hoping it would go better for you than it did for us.

Her calling You was a trigger-I understand that.

You are trying to do what you feel is the right thing-------------but don't expect any thanks for it. OW will NOT see it as you doing her a favor & realistically you are not. You are only trying to do what you think is right by OC.

SO you can choose to continue in whatever course of action you think would be best.

EXPECT to have frustrating days. There are a few ways to look @ it:

Expect Ow to be an unreasonable pain, then there are no surprises or let downs.
Set up a POJA of what exactly you will tolerate & what you will not---& what you will do about the untolerable things.
Make a list of priorities, what behaviors are just annoying but you can live w/ & what is too much & won't live w/.

This will help clear up your head & give you some control & prevent you from making emotional decisions in the heat of the moment.

Make a PLAN. H & I had to do this. WE were getting emotional & one of us would be like-FORGET IT! THAT'S IT! C is OVER!!!!!!!! But the other one of us would be like??????

SO we went over it together---set up personal boundaries & what we could tolerate & made it very clear what we would NOT tolerate. WE even went over this w/ the therapist & discussed it w/ her, who discussed it w/ OW. So even OW was very clear on the expected behavior.

NO, contrary to popular belief we were NOT DEMANDING anything. We only wanted what was right & fair & that was following the court order & NO games!

ALL communication was via email (in writing) & the logbook. OW was allowed to call to speak w/ OC. OW did call occasionally when OC stayed home from school sick but otherwise, there was no 'personal' communication. Transitions were to & from school, no personal contact. OW was a bit resistant @ first but even she admitted that it did relieve a LOT of tension & stress, not only between the adults but also for OC. Even though, in the end OW didn't write in the log @ all. ??? But I always did.

***********************
***********************
THink it through. You don't want to make a decision today that you regret tomorrow. Make it a rational, thought out decision.

Take a deep breath. It's okay to get frustrated. THere WILL be ahrd days & there WILL be GOOD days. Take them one @ a time.

sincerely,
kt

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Co-parent? If she wanted a healthy parenting arrangement, she should've found her own godd@mn man!

LOL THAT MADE ME CRACK UP!

Why do you worry whether the OW would tolerate a call from you or not?

If your husband has an opportunity to explain this in the hearing to the judge He should get fair treatment I actually suggest he type up all his points in big font and make a copy for the judge and opposing counsel so he wont forget while he addresses the court.

I think if you bring up the fact that she is contacting your home and interrupting the daily flow of life for your family with nonsense, and still denying visitation.