I was at this site about 4 years ago. When I found out about my husbands first affair. I found about 2nd affair about 9 months ago. The OW is pregnant and due in April. They are not sure if it is my H. We separated for 4 months. I went to counseling and know that the Lord wants me to still be married to my H.

I have worked on my relationship with God and have found much comfort in him. But of course I still struggle - if it was not for God I would have divorced my husband. My H has really come around and I see the Lord working in his life. He has not recommited to God, but God is working.

There are several times that I feel peace, but now that the time is coming near to baby I am getting scared.

As others have mentioned if this baby is my husbands than OC and OW will always be in our life. Our 4 childrend know nothing of this and pray that they will not have to learn of it because I pray that it is not my H.

What procedures will my H have to go through for a paternity test - did you go through the same doctor as the baby's? Can any of you give me guidance on what happens when the baby is born.

It is only by the grace of God that I have gotten this far. There are still many times that I do not feel as though I forgive my H, but I keep it to myself because I know that the Lord has fogiven me for so many things and in God's eyes a sin is a sin - very humbling.

My key verse lately has been Ephesians 4: 2&3 Be completely humble and gentle, be patient bearing one another in love. Making every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Please let me know what steps we have to take in a paternity test and what precautions we should take.

First of all it the OW married?

Very important because she will have to disprove her husband the father first before any action can be taken against your husband legally.

OW husband also is the legal father till he chooses not to be, that is his right.

Striving,

Welcome to the site although not under the circumstances. For the paternity tests, all they do is a mouth swab of the man in question and a mouth swab of the baby. My H has his in a few weeks and he just made an appointment through the maternity ward where the Oc was delivered.
What kind of advice were you looking for when it came to after the baby is born? Have you and your H talked about it being his and if you two were going to have contact? I can tell you my experience with OC and maybe that will give you some ideas?? I had a really hard time in the beginning coming to grips with raising my H's XOW's child. Even though I knew it was both their doing, I just couldn't accept it. But the day the OC came over for the first time, I just couldn't help but fall in love with him. I think it depends on the person involved. I don't have an opinion either way of what one should do or how they should handle it, i.e. Contact of No contact. That is up to the person. Some people may judge others that don't have contact but who cares, it isn't their life. I can tell you though, if you have chosen contact, there are the wonderful rewards of having a little one around. I work with infants and I am expecting my first one in June. I get so stressed sometimes at work because 8 little ones under the age of 15 months with 2 of us gets a little crazy sometimes, especially when they are all sick. I thought, OH GREAT, now I have to go home to "OC's name" but when I get home, I just go into a different mode and just love being around him. There are days it is rough when I know the OW has tried to pull something. But what you have to remember is that this child didn't ask for his/her parents. They don't know any better and all they are looking for is love. They aren't thinking, well, you aren't my MOM or all that. They just seem that you are loving them daily and that is all that matters. I wish you the best of luck!!!

The OW is not married. She has decided to keep the child and we definitely plan on being a part of the baby's life it is my H. I pray constantly that the baby is not my H, but know that God will only give me what I can handle - much easier to say than to believe at times.

Hurt5-04 - thank you for your advice it is nice to know that some are making their marriage work even though there was an affair and a baby involved.

Does anyone also know if judges take into effect that my H has 4 children when it comes to child support. In Illinois child support is 20% for first child, but what if we already have 4 of our own?

Thank you for responding.

Also I need to update my signature - where do I go for that.

SFH, First off I'd like to say sorry for you having to find this place, but I'm glad you did! I would first talk to a attorney, Know what your options are as far as visitations, child support and the best way to handle it. Work on your M in the mean time. C is a very hard thing to establish and continue. It can be done though! There are a few of us here that have C and are trying to make it work. My personal suggestions to you is what do you want? What are your feelings on the C issue? Have you made a POJA on what the limits are? And just a personal question, is the OW the same as the one 4 yrs ago? (((Hugs to you)))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny d

SFH,

My H went thru Lake county in Illinios. MY advice to you would be to talk to a lawyer. You may want to think about a legal seperation, and to file for CS for your kids, so they will be considered 1st family.
We have 4 children in the home as well. The Judge did not take them into consideration at all. She told my H he shoulda kept his pants on.
My H was in the navy at that time and military pay isnt that great. He was ordered to pay $636. a month for current and 140. a month for back CS.
My mother in law had been sending OW money every month for child support so that I wouldnt find out. The judge wouldnt even count that. Told my H that that is what grandparents do. Well payimg almost $800. a month in child support was to much for us. We lost our home and had to file bancruptcy. We pretty much lost everything we owned. Had to start completely over.
When my H retired and moved to Ar. we were able to get in transferred out of illinios and got it lowered to a more reasonable amount. but for 2 1/2 yrs it was horrible. Our church bought my kids stuff for Christmas cuz we just didnt have it.
I think the way that judge treated us was wrong. Yes my H should have kept his pants on. BUT my children deserve as much as Tylor (OC) does. They sure didnt get almost 800. each to spend on them. They also lost their home. Now we live in a tiny 1000 square ft. rental house. not room to move around. We still struggle but not like we did at the $800. a month level.
So PLEASE protect your children. Get legal advice now. Dont wait.

Lori

No this is not the same person as before.

As far as custody, we will want joint custody, and I know that it will be hard but I will support my husband on this and be there for him.

Thank you so much for your advice TSM it has been very helpful. Thank you to everyone you have been great!

Can I ask how those of you trying to make your marriage work deal with the questions of the baby. Do I say it is my H and let them figure it out from there? We are so involved in so many circles and so many have no idea of my H even having an A. I do not know what to do about questions - how do my kids handle the questions?

Well my Stepson Tylor (OC). was almost 7 when I found out about him 3 yrs ago. So our kids are 10,10, 10, 12 and 7. We get him over the summer. I just take him along with us and introduce him as my stepson. all of my family and most of my close friends know about the situation. When people ask how many kids we have I just say we have 7 between the 2 of us.
My kids know what happened. as they have gotten older they do ask my H questions. He just answers them the best he can.
My in-laws all knew about him. Have spent time with him and his mother. I know longer have a relationship with any of them. Not because the accepted him/them but because they all lied to me. They all knew for 5 yrs and condoned it.
My family has just welcomed him like he has always belonged to them.
My H's father and his wife wont have anything to do with him, but that is his choice.
Just take it one step at a time. Dont divulge any info you are not ready to give. and if something sticky comes up let your H explain it.

My kids just say they have another brother that lives with his mom. They talk about him to their friends. I think because we have so many kids anyway one more was no big deal. I think when the are older and really understand that is when they will put their dads feet to the fire.

Lori