This morning, H and I got all the kids up at the crack of dawn, as usual. We had OC for the weekend and I had set her clothes out last night. H got upset because after he got OC dressed he realized that they were the same clothes she wore on Friday. I washed them over the weekend, but H and I had talked about not sending her in the same clothes we picked her up in. I talked to him over the weekend about doing another shopping trip for OC because we were out of clothes, but this morning he acted as though it were news to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Problem is, we already spent a grip of money about a month ago on six pairs of jeans, five new shirts, a winter jacket, and other necessities for OC. We've sent her home in all of them and they haven't come back. XOW keeps sending OC to our house in 4T, which barely (and I mean BARELY) fit OC and definately does not fit our daughter (5 yrs old).

I told him that there isn't anything at the house left to send her in, everything that we have left for her is for play, not for school, and unless we start sending her to school in our daughter's clothes she'll have to wear what she came in.

H got really sh!tty with me about it. Told me "I already TOLD YOU that I don't want to send her back in stuff she wore here!"

I told him, I'm not sending her back to XOW in my daughter's clothes because they WON'T COME BACK to our house and I am not going to have my daughter suffer because XOW refuses to send OC in decent clothes.

The more I stood my ground the more H got angry. Finally, after retreating to our corners and maintaining the silent treatment I left for work.

I've asked H several, several times to talk to XOW about the clothing situation and he won't do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

We're a family of six, surviving on an income of less than $30k a year. We can't afford to keep buying her a wardrobe every month, just so it can disappear into the murky depths of XOW's house never to be seen again.

I wouldn't budge. So now we aren't speaking. And to be quite honest, I am tired of bearing the affects of XOW stupidity and immaturity in my marriage. This is stupid.

Am I wrong for standing my ground?

Am I being childish like my H says?

Help!

AV,

Horray for sticking your ground.

You accept OC, take great care of OC, buy her clothes, lay her clothes out for her.... etc etc.... ETC

And he is "mad" at you for not giving up your daughter's clothes, or making more reappear...

YET

He will not dare rock the boat w/xow to tell her that you have no more clothes, have NO MORE $$, and a bunch of other kids to support...

AV

Lets hold hands and scream together

STOP THE INSTANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You H is acting like a spoiled selfish brat to have any anger at YOU !

YOU ARE BEING PUSHED BEYOND REASONABLE LIMITS !!!

Hey, don't fight with the baby! Stand firm on your LEVEL HEADED reasoning for why she is wearing the same clothes. And they are clean!

HECK I know TONS AND TONS of split families and they do the SAME thing-- I do the same thing with my stepdaughter. I buy her mounds of lovely things, let her take home a reasonable amount, and when they get thin--- she must return in the same clothes because as you, we are struggling and we have no more $$ for anything.

And I'm not even dealing with an xow's poor choices of clothes and cleanliness so I can only imagine how *extra* frustrating this is.

I have to STAND my ground about things until me and H have the problem, otherwise he just lets his ex run over him. He IS learning!!! And so will your H if he wants things to go smooth. He will HAVE to realize that you are NOT JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

It will calm down today, you know that. You were firm, let it go.... let life slip back into the week peacefully!

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

If you are paying child support, why are you buying the oc anything?

Your ow is using this as a situation to get you and your husband to pay for far more then you have to, at the expense of your children.

I would be furious if he didn't tell her to send appropriate clothing. Take photos and talk to CPS about her lack of mothering ability. Show THEM the clothing she sends the child in.

As for your husband, stand your ground. How dare he expect you to purchase more for that child at the expense of your own. I think you may need some counseling here.

I think you were absolutly RIGHT standing your ground! Can you call the XOW yourself and talk to her about this problem?

Maybe you can make out a deal that she comes and goes in the same clothes always..maybe have two outfits for her to come and go in...then YOU have YOUR clothes at YOUR house for her and XOW has HER clothes for HER house for her! That is how my neighbor does it with his X wife! but then again, they are on great terms as far as communication goes!

And IF I were ever in that situation, which I dont think I will be considering I want to file, I would do it that way too!

This XOW sounds like she just wants to keep all your clothes and your H is not supporting you in YOUR choices but doesn't want to "look bad" for the XOW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ARGH!

I am curious...

You mentioned that you and your H talked about not sending her back in the clothes she came in...
What are HIS reasons for not wanting to send her back in the clothes she came in?
I fully understand your reasons... and I completely agree with them.
I am just clueless as to why he feels the way he does. It may be that he wants to show that he is able to provide for her, a "pride" thing... but it shouldn't take away from the other children either.

In our arrangement, when Lil Bit comes home.. we wash the clothes she comes home in, then send her back in them... UNLESS they are too small, like they were this last time.
Thank goodness when we DO send her in clothes that we have for her, they do come back... so far.

Ours is an unspoken understanding, I guess.

Thanks for the support!

Lynn: We are paying CS, but buy more because XOW sends OC in clothing that's too small for her, and rather than speak with XOW about it, my H decided we'd just "take care of it and replace the too small clothes with clothes that fit", the idea being that sooner or later she won't have any clothes that don't fit or are too ratty. Though now, it seems XOW has a neverending supply of too small/ too ratty clothes. We've talked about CPS, my H is adamently opposed to the idea, because he doesn't want to be seen as "that parent". The one that accuses other parent of neglect.

Momto3: My H does not, under any circumstances, want me to deal with XOW at all. It stresses me out and we fight (both me and XOW and me and H). So I steer clear.

Stacia: My H doesn't want her preschool to think he's a deadbeat dad, sending her to school in the same clothes she wore the Friday before, especially if they don't fit. I understand, but don't think that we should have to keep forking out money to keep OC properly clothed. It's definitely a pride thing.

We have spent more money on OC in the last three months than our other three children combined. This is WRONG!!

My H needs to grow some b@lls and tell XOW to send the clothes that we bought her home, at least this is my stance and I don't think I should have to back down.

Just as I suspected.

I would suggest to him that he talk with the preschool and see if OC comes to school wearing clothes that are too small during the time that she isn't with you.

They may very well help to make him feel more at ease about the whole situation... and by talking with the preschool they will know he is a concerned parent.

I know many teachers that would rather have a parent that is concerned and asks questions, instead of a parent that is just too busy to even ask about their child.

And I agree he needs to talk to xOW and have the clothes SENT BACK. They should really stay at your house, where they were intended to be used.

Hugs and GOOD LUCK,
Stacia

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

AV, what is your H's reasoning for not asking in a regular tone/voice for xow to send her extra clothes?

You have not asked him to fight or yell at her, did you? Why cant he just say "hey xow, can you please send miss oc an extra set of clothes for school on monday, we are nearly out of clothes for her?"

Has he even said one peep about it thus far- maybe if xow is not "keen" enough to see that her daughters clothes dont fit, maybe directly letting her know in a non-confrontational way, will give her some sort of clue?

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Gio,

Yes, I've asked him to speak with her. But, he doesn't want to have to deal with XOW at all. He doesn't want to ask her anything. They fight. It doesn't matter if something's brought up in a non-confrontational manner, XOW is extremely touchy and sees any suggestion, question, or concern as a direct attack on her parenting skills.

The last time that we all discussed the clothing issue (two years ago) XOW said that it was too difficult to try and return clothing that we sent OC home in and that it shouldn't matter as long as she's clothed. Well, that works fine when the clothes OC is sent to us in fit, but now she's growing out of things and it's becoming increasingly difficult to keep up.

I don't know. I just don't know how to make this work for everybody.

This might be overly suspicious, but when you send the new clothes home, do they still have the tags on them? Is it possible that OW is taking them back to the store and getting cash back or something for herself?

It makes no sense why OW would want OC to wear crummy, outgrown clothes when others were available.......unless it is just a power/money thing.

How frustrating!!!!!! I feel like coming unglued on OW for you, right now!

You are doing a great job. Keep standing your ground for OC and your kids! They are both lucky to have you! I am sorry there doesn't appear to be an obvious solution.

Lbelle: no, we don't send them home with the tags on. I think XOW doesn't want us to have access to OC's nice clothes because she's afraid we won't give them back(?). I think that she keeps what nice clothes we send her home in because she believes they're fair game, after all they were sent home on OC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Honestly, I don't know why...it all seems very childish to me.

Well, I just spoke with my H again and I think we've agreed to something.

My H said he would work extra hours this week to set aside a good chunk of money to spend on clothes for OC. We will buy her a new dresser (right now she shares one with our daughter) and keep all of the new clothes we buy OC seperate from our daughter's clothes. My H reasons that if we spend a couple hundred bucks to put together a nice size wardrobe for OC then we won't run out of clothing, even if XOW continues to send old things. Sooner or later she'll run out of old things to send her in.

This satisfies me because if we 1) had a solid base wardrobe to begin with and 2) seperate her clothing from our daughter's I won't feel like my daughter's losing in order for OC to gain.

And if at some point XOW totally depletes OC's wardrobe at our house my H and I can re-visit the issue. But, if we filled a dresser for her to start with maybe H is right, maybe XOW will eventually start to return items.

He won't budge about talking to XOW about it. He simply does not want to deal with her. I don't blame him, and I won't force him to. I just hope he's right.

Thanks for the vent....hopefully we've resolved the issue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WHY not send a NOTE? THen there is absolutely NO confrontation about it period. And/or put it in the log book.

THERE is NO reason YOU should be forking out this $$$$$$$$$$$$ unnecessarily. We are on a tight (squeaky tight) budget too so I would be PI$$ED if I had to go buy OC a dresser full of clothes. IT's just stupid.

We also had an unwritten 'understanding' w/ OC mom. THE clothes went both ways, I would allow OC to wear whatever she wanted. THe clothes she arrived in I immediately washed (usually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) & put right into her travel bag & then she went home in whatever she was wearing. So OC clothes from mom's house went back & OC clothes from our house usually came back, sometimes it was in bits & pieces but eventually they all came back.

OW lived in an apt. & did laundry @ her parents house so I completely understood that (I've had a washer break on me many times) IF it was something extra nice, or a piece that was OC favorite I would write a note about it next time stating that it was OC favorite & could it please be returned next time. That usually worked. We did it w/ shoes, shirts, shorts, dresses, whatever.

I wrote initials on OC clothing tags because I would forget if some clothes belogned w/ mom or us becuase they looked the same. (like jeans) I didn't want OW to think I was trying to keep OC nice stuff or anything. I used to think OC didn't have anything 'nice' because she always arrived in 'play type clothes', until one time we arrived @ OW apt. before them & so we got OC right from her car & she was dressed cute.

SO I think OW sent her over in play clothes w/ the same thoughts in mind.....to keep the nicer clothes w/ her. Which I didn't care becuase we had a closet full by then & I tried to do the same thing: sending OC home in clothes that I woudln't mind not being returned (play clothes).
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ALso. .......if you are gonna buy her an entire new wardrobe anyway....go to the thrift store, you will get more for your $$$$$$$ & find the same nice brand name clothing for less than half the price. You can probably find a nice dresser too.

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BUT you do know that this is only a temporary solution right? IT WILL come up again if it is not dealt w/ on OW end. THe clothes will wear out, get grown out & continue to disappear. THen what?

You can't be buying OC a new wardrobe every 3 mos! What will your kids think?

PS: I want to know how you support a family of 6 on less than 30k a year? WHERE do you live? Sounds like us.....

She has given you absolutely no reason to believe she won't do the same with any and all new clothes you send her home in.

It's ok to try your new idea, but after X amount of time, (say 2 consecutive visits), if the clothes are not returned, I'd go back to sending OC home in the same clothes she arrived in, (or in any other clothes OW may've provided in her bag). Otherwise, keep the clothes you've bought for her at your residence, for use only when with you.

If your H is so concerned with what the Preschool thinks, then explain to the Preschool what's up.

Perhaps you and your H could provide a nice, school appropriate outfit to remain at the Preschool in her cubby if she has one. She could change into it when she arrives from your house each time, and change back into clothes provided by OW before she goes home to her mom. I know this would be a pain, (although easier in preschool than later years), but just trying to think of other options for you.

I'm afraid it won't matter how many clothes you buy...they'll all wind up in the clothes pit, wherever that may be. Which I'm sure is OC's closet~~you gotta know she most likely lets OC wear the clothes, just not while at your house. She's found a great way to play on your H's emotions, and get more new clothes for OC. What a racket. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I hate stories like these...I've heard lots of them, between Dv'd couple. It's a power play, and IMO the OW's way of bilking more money, cuz she probably knows your H can't stand to have his child dressed poorly. It's a woe is me thing, and a sure way to avoid buying clothes for OC. It's a really rotten thing to do to her DD, not to mention the wedge it causes between you and your H.

Good luck with this.

~ad

I agree that the new idea may not work, but my H is just not going to budge. He refuses to send OC back in the outfits she came to us in and he refuses to talk with XOW about it.

So, fine. If he agrees to work for the extra money to spend on a new wardrobe and dresser for OC then we'll try it his way. I think (and I hope I'm wrong!) that XOW will continue to keep the new clothes. But, if we buy some clothes from the thrift stores and then buy new clothes as well, we can keep the new clothes at our house all the time, and send OC to school in the "second-hand" clothes. I think that having her own dresser, filled with new (or slightly used) clothes just for her may help her feel like she's really got a place with us, too. It's just so hard to keep the kids clothed, everything's so expensive.

It sucks that we have to spend more money, but my H says he'll make sure it doesn't strain us.

I guess I should just be counting my blessings - it's probably a great thing that he doesn't want to talk to XOW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So, we'll try it his way.

KT: We live in Colorado, and believe me, we're just scraping by. Luckily, my job is very secure and I'm due for a raise or two in the next few months. My H is sub-contracting for the owner of my company. So, for the first time in about three months he's bringing home a little extra $$$. Hopefully, this will continue and in six months we'll be looking MUCH better!

It takes a smart and frugal person (family) to be poverty stricken and survive. I'm just thankful we aren't living with relatives!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hello all,

I think OW is being ridiculous. Your children are a reflection upon you. I can not stand to see parents out dressed to kill, and the kids looking all tore up. Why would OW send child in too little or ratty clothes, especially after she knows good and well that u & H have bought her nice new fresh clothes to wear....its not like she can say that OC doesn't have anything to wear.
Yeah that trick may have worked in the beginning...which is probably why u went out and bought clothes in the first place, but now its just plain old poor character of the OW. She is basically making her child look bad, as well as uncomfortable in too little clothes. She is suppose to love her child not purposely neglect her for personal gains...she is using the child now.
Stand your ground. I am glad H came around. And like u said, I would not force him to say anything to OW, because that is probably what Ms. Confrontation wants.

I think sending a note was a good suggestion. You might want to start that note by saying...Your child is a reflection upon you, as well as us. Please send her in the clothes that we purchased for her so she can be comfortable. We would like to see how cute she looks in them as well.
Thanks!

Anyway, just my 2 cents. Take care.

AVictimNoLonger,
My goodness!!! This really says a lot about ow/and your H still having arguements, not out loud, but passive /aggressive.

What about that poor kid?

You and your H need a POJA concerning clothes. You're not Macys Department Store for Heavens sake~

Happened between a friend and her x... the x wouldn't send home the new clothes she sent her girls in and it just went round and round until one day the poor thing didn't have underwear because her Dad never sent it home and Mom didn't realize it! It never ceases to amaze me what people do using their kids as pawns! Not you Victim, not you!

How about doing what Autumn suggested, leave clothes at school to change into. The poor kid doesn't need ridicule from other kids after all she's been through!

Perhaps drop off two outfits and let ow know that is it! You and your H can do this w/a court order if it becomes too much. She can drop off alternating outfits as the child wears them home.

Poor kid.

You and your H cannot keep doing the buying spree. Heck that's what CS is for....to support your kid in any way it takes~~~~ Buy some clothes that fit next pay!

You'll be blessed in Heaven.

Debi

edited because I can't spell and type together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>