The man wouldn't have a clue if it jumped up and bit him on the nose!

As you all know, I have been contemplating divorce for weeks/months now! I have worked SOOOO hard to save my marriage! I look back on the last year and 3 months and think about all the times my H hurt me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and I just took it! I disprespected MYSELF in the sense I let him do this to me!

Well, I got to a point around christmas where I was so angry at him...NOTHING he could do could make me happy! NOTHING! I am at that point now again!

Two weeks ago was the last time he saw the OW to my knowledge! That is not to say he hasnt' met her places on the side or he hasn't called her from his office! I cant check his cell minutes anymore cuz he switched his phone carrier! sooo, he could very well be calling her from his cell phone and I would'nt know!
That last time was when he dropped the INSURANCE card off for the OC...the insurance that he did not tell ME about he was adding her to it! I caught him at her house and HE LIED ABOUT IT...AGAIN! Always...I believe him when he lied ! ARGH! Then I asked him about it the next day..his answer "Ok, yes, I did go there, but it was only for five minutes to drop off insurance card for OC" I said "Ok, thanks, bye" click!

soo, it was ONLY FOR FIVE minutes...gawlly, kandi, why cant you get past that! It's only for this, or that or the other! I know, over reactment on MY part! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> silly me!

he has also: paid her CS money (paternity has not even been established...oh but he KNOWS that child is his), he has put the OC on HIS insurance, he has seen the child behind my back, and numerous other things without MY knowledge! silly me, I am overreacting AGAIN! slap me in the face so I can just accept it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This past weeked I went to San Antonio with the boys! He was there for a confernece! We all met up with him for dinner on Thursday night! It was fine! It was nice and pleasant!

He went back on Friday so he could RACE on Saturday...the purpose of my trip to SAT was to take the kids to Sea World...it was spring break you know! He WISHED he could go with us, BUT he was racing...and you know, Ed's needs ALWAYS come before mine or the kids! Gosh, he only races once a month...so why cant I just accept it the way it is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well, gosh, all this stuff! It just adds up to what?? I have done sooo much work on this marriage for what??? I have spent thousands of dollars, literally...for what??? We went to the MB weekend, we have counseled with BOTH Steve Harley AND Penny Tupy...we have seen numerous counselerso in the area...I have bought I cant tel you how many books! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ok, so last night, I get home...I have all this inside of me! I told him this is it! I cannot do it anymore! bla, bla, bla! I am over reacting! He didnt' DO ANYTHING THIS WEEKEND! Why am I acting this way?? he was GOOD this weekend!

so he leaves! Calls me SEVERAL times! wants to come home now to "work on the marriage"...one time he called and said "ok, this is your LAST chance" MY last chance, what did I do to deserve a LAST CHANCE??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I told him that *I* have told him what he needs to do for ME...Penny has told him...Steve has told him....many people from THIS board have told him...he wont do it! He refuses to even think about ME! He says "well, I can call you more often" ARGH! The man hasn't got a CLUE!

I have nothing left for him! NOW he wants to do what he can to meet MY EN's...are you kidding me? OMG, he thinks just calling me more often will make me love him again! He has a freakin child with an OW!

sooo, he also says "i dont understand why you are acting like this, I didn't do anything to you" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Oh, ok...I forgot, he didn't have an affair for over a year, concieve a child, lie to me, betray me, disrespect me...But he has been GOOOOOOD!

I am just so done here! I am a good person, I have so much to offer SOMEONE! SOMEDAY! and that person is NOT ED...but NOW he wants to meet all my EN's...he doens't even know what they are...I have spelled them out for him and he still doens't get it! I dont even WANT him to meet them! I do not love him anymore!

I CANNOT accept this child into my heart now...it is like he has his life with HER and then me! He will not let me be a part of that life and I am FINALLY waking up myself!

How many "one more chance" do you give a man??? Ok, so I give him "one more chance" for what??? to decieve me AGAIN in two weeks! what about when the OC is sick! oh, gotta run over there! What about when he sees her at the NH? REmember he CANT quit the NH, again his needs before mine or the marriage! He also goes into Kingsville once a week..can stop by her house anytime!

SOooo, is it fair for ME to have to live this way, cuz I just have to acept it! Am I over reacting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He asked me to sleep on it...I did...I had a HORRIBLE morning with the kids! He calls at 8:00 and asks "so did you sleep on it" yes, I did..I still feel the same way Ed...I cant offer you anything!" he says I dont need to give him anything, he will meet all my ENs...he will call me more often! hmmm, I guess to him that is the ONLY EN I need!

ARGH! I just dont know what else to do for this man...I wnat out of this marriage! I really do!

Thanks for listening to my vent!

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: Momto3Boys ]</small>

Kandi, so sorry you're battling with all that. I know how it is, believe me! Sounds like Ed still wants his cake and eat it too. It's time he steps up to the plate and takes control of HIS life, instead of letting everyone else control it for him. I understand you're at your wits end, who wouldn't be? He's afraid of letting OW go, because she's been his crutch in his time of need, and he's afraid of letting you go, because you make up his "family" and you both have history together. He has to be totally willing and able to let her go. More than likely he's still battling with that and he's still torn between her and you. It's a hard step for them to take. My H took the first step towards recovery this past Wednesday, with the help of our counselor who's right there beside him (along with me) to help him get through this mess he's created. Doesn't sound like Ed's at that point and I know it sucks for you. But, it's YOUR choice on whether or not you allow yourself and your children to continue to live with this. You need to gain some confidence in YOU. Start doing some things for YOU. You can't change Ed. Only Ed can change himself. I feel for you, I really do. Keep up the counseling, it does wonders.

Speaking as a man who has said a lot of what Ed has said with cake crumbs all over my mouth, in my opinion you are exactly right that he doesn't get it. Because he hasn't really had to get it yet. He's been able to see you, talk when HE wants to, have you meet some of HIS needs -- everytime with a big piece of cake in his pocket.

It sounds like you are emotionally and personally at the place where Plan B/D can really work -- in the sense that it will either finally show him what he's sacrificing or make YOU okay with truly moving on with your life.

It sounds like you really MEAN it. You have had ENOUGH. To borrow from AA, recovery through "half-measures" has FAILED. It's so hard to do, and you've gone through so much to turn over every stone in an attempt to reconcile, but there are not an infinite number of stones. If Plan B/D throws a couple more stones on the pile that may need to be turned over later, that will be for you to assess. But it surely sounds like you've done everything a person can be expected to do without losing all their dignity.

I don't know if Ed still reads here or not, and it sounds like he's had plenty of knowledgeable advice and support, but if there's anything you or he think I could offer him by email etc., I'd be happy to do so.

{{{{{Kandi}}}}} We are praying for you and your family! Be strong! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

Kandi,
It seems to me that Ed is sabotaging your PlanB.
He knows how it works, he has read the material on this site.. he has counseled with Steve, Penny, others... He is WELL AWARE of what HE must do...

He knows you WANT to believe him. He continues to hurt you.

Why are you still talking to him? Why are you bending your Plan B?
I truly suggest you go as DARK as you can with him.
Tell him the basics...
I need you to ..(there are examples)
A) Stop seeing OW
B) Remove yourself from the NH
C) Go to counseling that is INDIVIDUAL and keep it up for (x) amount of time... STAY WITH IT, no skipping out of it
D) ETC... ETC...
And until you do are able to do them... DON'T CALL ME!

I would set it up with a 3rd party for him to contact them about the boys... so you don't have to talk to him or see him.

PLAN B until ED is blue in the face from trying....
He needs to see what his life would be like without YOU to lean on... COMPLETELY WITHOUT YOU...
As long as you keep talking to him, he will continue to hurt you and ruin any PERSONAL progress you make.

Hugs you go girl!!
Stacia

Kandi....

We haven't "corresponded" before. But I have never put my so-called 2cents in before. I am now.

LORD HAVE MERCY!!!

Please pick yourself up and move. Get away from him. You don't have a job...so move and stay with your mom for awhile. I know the kids have school. But YOUR mental health is more important than theirs. If you're not good for yourself...then you're not good for anyone!!

What is going to make you leave this man? Are you going to do what I did once. Put a gun in your mouth and threaten to blow your brains out?! Believe me....it doesn't work. H at that time just told me it was embarassing to him cause his Lt. at the police station found out. HELLO?!

After that? I pulled my kids out of school and moved home to my family. I didn't have near the resources you have available. I packed the U-Haul myself cause H was too busy at work. I packed a whole house by MYSELF!! I took a crap job in my new city!! Had to depend on my family. My son was 14 at the time and EXTREMELY ANGRY!! How about a hockey stick swung at your head?

My point is....If I can do it...YOU CAN DO IT!! You don't need to spend thousands of dollars to figure out that this man of yours, is NOT going to change. Why should he? You still talk to him. He can get SF from OW....see his kids....Whatever he wants to do. You have to do for yourself.

I hope I am not sounding harsh. But I have watched you on Dr. Phil....read your posts on several message boards....and you haven't moved not ONE INCH. You seem to be exactly where you were a year ago. WHY?!

Ok.....everyone take your shot at me! It is just what I felt from the heart. Maybe Kandi has heard this before and I am sure she has. But it is in my heart to speak up.

I really want you to be happy, Kandi. REALLY!! If you need a break or a place to hide from your alien, come on up I-35. I got a spare room.

Take care,
ent

Oh yea, I forgot about Dr. Phil...HE'S also told him WHAT TO DO! The problem is...NO ONE can tell ED what to do...ED has to WANT to do it!

ENT, you were NOT too harsh! I need to hear this from you and others!

I dont know WHAT it is going to take to WAKE ME UP!!! I really dont know how much more I can disrespect MYSELF! REALLY!

I am getting closer! I opened up a checking account today in MY OWN NAME and this will be the account I use to pay the lawyer! My mom is depositing the funds for me today! So the money is there, I have to get my butt to the lawyers office!

Lost, Thank youso much for you support! I dont know if Ed reads here or not...I am sure he lurks, he usually jumps in on my threads when he is pissed off at causes all kinds of ruckus! (SP)

Michelle, I think Ed has let teh OW go...this is not about her anymore..this is about ED meeting MY EN's and about ME getting past all the anger/hurt/betrayal he has caused me...and about him GETTING IT! Getting what he has truly done...what is he willing to do to make it up to me?

Do I sound harsh? Probably, but God, I ahve been there done that soooooooo many freakin times...the man left me after I buried my dad, went to work, WOULD NOT come back to get me and the kids on Saturday, but came on Sunday instead...he was with her on Saturday is hwy...He conveniently DOES NOT remember this incident <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Stacia, I am no in Plan B anymore! My coach and Ed's coach had all worked out a deal with ED that he was to do certain things for a certain amount of time...Ed was very willing to do all this for HIMSELF! Then I caught him over at her house...all that went out the window! He is incapapble of doing anything for anyone else that does not make HIM happy!

I am not even going to do Plan B anymore! I am doing plan D!

Honestly I do not know what I am waiting for! I still do not want to "hurt him" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Oh, just slap me in the face will ya! ARGH...I am just so angry at myself! I am so sick of this life!

Now all the sudden he wants to do everything to make me happy! WHATEVER!

ENT, how far up 1-35 are ya?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Kandi,
I was thinking many on the same things Ent said. I know that the only way I have come CLOSE to forgiving my H and moving on has been through HIS actions.

HIS wanting forgiveness and asking for it.

HIS full acceptance of responsibility

HIS taking care of ALL my feelings and setting
his aside (for now)

HIS total committment to NC with OC/OW that we
agreed on.

HIS willingness to go MC and take all the
directness of the counselor full w/o excuses.

HIS constant efforts at making true inner self
changes, not just superficial outward ones.

HIS continuing to say he is sorry when needed.
To say what a mistake he made and that I am
the love of his life.....not her, whenever
needed.

HIS including me in the decisions about the
support order, not just doing it without me
seeing anything.

There are many others but I know you get the point. He is doing all these things and it is STILL hard some days to not feel the hurt and betrayal. If Ed were doing any of these things or the things you want him to WILLINGLY, not because you make him.......you might be able to start feeling differently. He needs to put you and your needs./wants ahead of his ALL THE TIME (for a long time).

I remember our MC telling me a long time ago the reason I wasn't feeling better and why chest still hurt and felt tight all the time was that my H had not changed yet. He was still doing the same things. He was right! But I could not make H change in ANY WAY. Our MC places great responsibility for recovery of the A on my H and him making deep changes. Other marital issues we both have to work on.

Ed, can still make these kinds of changes and show positive action and repentance while you are filing for D, if that is the way you choose to go. It seems like you almost don't have a choice. You have tried everything.

Take care of your and get strong with your feelings of self worth. God never intended for anyone to be treated this way!

Kandi,

I soooooo know where u r & how u feel. I too lived with the promises, the lies, the rollercoaster until I couldn't take it anymore, u sound like u r at your breaking point, not feeling love for him, not wanting to accept OC, wanting to hurt him. U sound too much like I did by the end of last year, u give chance after chance only to be let down & disappointed again & again. U r the only one who can put a stop to it sweetie.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I opened up a checking account today in MY OWN NAME and this will be the account I use to pay the lawyer! My mom is depositing the funds for me today! So the money is there, I have to get my butt to the lawyers office!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As Nike says - "Just do it", what r u waiting for???? He has showed u so many times that he is unwilling to do any real work to save your M. This may wake him up, it may not. As I told u on the D board, just cuz u file doesn't mean u have to go thru with it & end your M, but to me it seems as if u r in desparate need of some piece of mind, file for D & plan B his butt a.s.a.p. ~ JMHO

Praying for u, I know the strength it takes to make that move.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kandi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

M23,
Sadly I think enough is enough. Plan D... this week. Don't wait another second.

All Ed has done with all the 3rd party coaches, is blow smoke up everyone' butt.

He can't do the simplest of things ...NC...if you and his M were so important, there are a million ways to get an insurance card to her, and why even do THAT if paternity hasn't been established?

That baby is legally his, I'll bet you he already signed the bc....there's no other way the insurance company will cover that child. Adding a dependant to the insurance company requires proof of birth... he supplied that somehow didn't he ? He is seeing her, and communicating more than you know.

Plan D.... take control of you, and the boys, he's even fooled the mediators, but think about it Kandi, you knew in your heart he wasn't meeting his end of the bargain, or else you wouldn't have caught him to begin with...why ? Because you would have been able to TRUST he was keeping up his part. You knew he wasn't, it was a matter of time for you to figure it out.

Slap him with the D papers, move those kids, and if the day comes around that he really wants to do the right thing, no legal document will stop him...right ?

He's disrupted his life for OW/OC....yet he wants to meet YOUR needs ? I think he's a year late.

YOU DESERVE BETTER !!!!!

MT3B,
I think you need to flip the switch in your
head that says "he doesn't have a clue" "he
doesn't understand". Those statements sound
like you're making excuses for him.
He does get it, he does understand- he just
doesn't want to and probably hopes he can
convince you to compromise.

Kandi.....I am SERIOUS!! I am in Fort Worth. Not a very far drive. I am probably nuts for posting where I live but to H*LL with it!!

If you want to talk...just e-mail me. entwife@hotmail.com

I have to go back to work. If you're serious abou that "slap"...I'll be glad to help!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ent

kandi, you're still playing Ed's game. Sure, you don't take his c*@p without kicking and screaming, but you still take it. He still gets OW and her little bundle of joy, plus you and yours.

Yes, he DOES understand. It's working for him. Now, if you would just not be so grumpy about it, his life would be perfect. (being sarcastic, I hope you realize) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When you can feel "done" and "ready to D and move on" with NO ANGER attached, you're ready. Until then, you're still in the game. He knows it, you know it, your boys know it, and life goes on . . . one miserable day after another.

Prayers for you,
PM

MT3B,

I've followed your story for a long time and hope you don't get too pissed at me but I just have to say a few things to you. Sometimes the truth sucks but sometimes we really need to hear it.

"SOooo, is it fair for ME to have to live this way, cuz I just have to acept it! Am I over reacting!"

No, it's not fair to you or to your children. No you don't HAVE to accept it but you have been just the same. Are you overeacting? HELL NO! IMO I think you're undereacting.

"ARGH! I just dont know what else to do for this man...I want out of this marriage! I really do! "

NOTHING. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do for this man but there is something you can do for yourself. Get your self-respect and dignity back. He has walked all over it while you voluntarily lay on the floor so he can.

If you truly want out of this marriage then GET OUT. Stop talking about it and do it. Your words are meaningless to your husband because time and time again they've proven worthless, full of threat but without the balls to back them up.

The time for hand holding is through... You must step up and take control of this situation as it's unhealthy for you and unhealthy for YOUR children.

Ed has proven repeatedly that the only person that matters to him is him. You can't control him, coax him, make him, push him, or force him to do what he should have done a long time ago. The only person you have control over is YOU. It's time girl, it's time...

Cryn

Kandi one question,
DoYOU get it?

I know this has been a living hell for you.

What else can damage you more? A divorce? Heck you've been alone now for a long time.

It may sicken and sadden you, but what does more? Hearing Ed's constant delays and lies? And he changed phone carriers so you weren't in on any of this?

Please do not turn into Betty Broderick (sp?).

Staying around too long can be dangerous to your mental health and frankly right now, Ed isn't worth the ink on your marriage license....

Hon you can remarry in the future if he changes his total way of living before your eyes.

The boys need you. You have to quit being a doormat for someone who uses the doormat coming and going! Stop it Kandi. You are worth more than that~~

Ok, I'm going to say a prayer for your peace and that you can finally make a decision that will be in your best interest.

Now....can you please at least *discuss* this tradgedy with your lawyer? I guarantee you will leave with a better sense on how your life can progress with just a little more time.

(((((hug in the warmest sense, arms wrapped around you drying those tears))))))))

love
Debi