Has anyone else endured an onslaught from angry siblings and others demanding to why you are staying with WS despite infidelity and OC?

My sister poured her heart out to me and I love her dearly, but her question to me, "WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS FOOL?" I want my family's respect but they don't understand my choice at all. And to be honest, there are days when I found myself asking myself the same thing. My sister is unmarried and can't conceive of me tolerating this situation. I know she loves me and only wants me to be happy. It just saddens me that she may lose respect for me. It also angers me that I should have to explain my choice.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you handle it when people you loved thought you were crazy and despised your spouse?

ML
Yes, I had a similar response from my mom. She asked if I kicked his sorry a$$ out. She is having a hard time forgiving him. She didn't call me for a month after I told her. I was calling her every week or so to "comfort" her. In one book I read, it said that your parents/family are probably not the best ones to go to for emotional support when you are trying to R. They have the "maternal" or in your case "sisterly" instinct to protect and to not want to see you hurt...esp. with an OC. I just don't talk to my mom about my pain. I have other friends to talk to, and now I have this and another website for support. Hang in there!

JM

Hi jacqsmom...

I'm sorry for your situation. I have no advice because I haven't any experience with it.

I was just wondering about the other website that you use for support. Would you please share it with me?

Thank you

Isleepwithacat
Isleepwithacat@yahoo.com

I definitely have that problem as well! My parents are supportive of whatever choices I make but my siblings and several friends have made it clear that if I were to stay w/ him after all of this they would think I was crazy. (Not that I would stay in my current situation.) My sister went off on me one day telling me she didn't even think H deserved any rights to this baby. When I explained to her I thought it would be silly for me to fight him in court for something he is entitled to anyway she was upset. I tried to tell her that I knew she was trying to help but it was not helping me to hear what a jerk he's been. I know that better than anyone. She got really emotional and upset and turned the situation around to where she was saying I was only concerned about my problems and not any of hers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> We later talked and I apologized since she felt that way. She also apologized. She really hasn't said much else. When they've been going off on my H I really haven't said anything. Another sister said at one point "I'm sorry I know it probably doesn't help to hear all of this." I agreed and she stopped (at least for the moment.) That has been really hard for me because my family is who I usually turn to and I don't feel I can really talk to them (except my mom). <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> My counselor has even acted this way.

Miss Lady,

It is an extremely HARD thing to do, I wouldn't have even told my family but when this all came out all of XH's family knew plus I put him out. I called my older sister & told her first & her immediate response was D him!!!! She is a christian & started throwing scripture at me, about how God condones D in this situation, so I threw some back at her where God instructs us to FORGIVE - even our enemies, so why not our WH'S???????

I then told my mom & told her to tell everyone else, I couldn't & wouldn't have been able to handle comments & advice from my dad or other family members at that time. Imagine their anger & shock when I took H back - not once but twice!!!!

Thank God I have 2 close friends who r like sisters to me, who supported ME & whatever decision I wanted to make over these last 3 years. I couldn't count on my family to support me, I don't blame them, who wants to see their child, (no matter how old & grown u r), or sister go thru any kind of hurt, & this kind they figure can be so easily cured by D, but it is not always that simple.

When I found I put him out for the third & final time & had filed for a D, my family threw me a party. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Everyone was celebrating but ME. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> They all figured we had no children together so what was the big deal, I never have to see him again right??? Children don't make a M though, it is a covenant between a man & a woman that God wants to be honored & for that M to glorify HIM.

Right now none of them know I am still talking to & seeing XH & I know it will come out soon & they will have no understanding but I can't live for THEM. If by some chance we re-marry, they may try to have me committed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Pray for your family to have understanding, to comfort & support u but most of all take care of U. They will get over it & adjust in time hopefully.

I had this problem, too. My family hated my H. They would shun him at family gatherings and at one point said they wouldn't allow him in their house.

I had to break contact with my family for a couple of months, and make it clear to them that unless they respected my choice, respected OC, and respected my H they wouldn't be a part of my life or the lives of my family.

It took a little while, but they came around. It helped that my H has remained faithful to me for the past three years. The longer my family is shown that my H has changed and he's dedicated to us, the more reason they have to love him.

Sometimes they crack jokes about my H needing to be on a short leash, but it's finally become a thing we can all laugh about.

It was awful for awhile. But I stood my ground and eventually they got over it.

Good luck, big hugs.

AVNL

Hello, Miss Lady <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your post and others here are the prime example of why we should really, seriously try to keep our marital problems in our home--- or in a counselor or pastors office! We need someone to talk to so badly, though and its hard to keep this under wraps!

I kept it in for so long that by the time I did spill, my H was back to good for long enough time that I could tell them "its okay"- know what I mean?

No one, and I mean no one, knows what they would do if this happened to them. Can you imagine you would have stayed after an A, let alone a baby <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I'd have said heck NO! Most people, odly enough, do not D or at least not for some time.

You should explain to your family how sadly, this situation is all around us-- not just on Springer! My brother's fiance had an OC, my oldest brother is an OC, my best friend had an OC (WITH HER SISTER'S fiance years ago)..... and everyone on this board seems to know or have an OC in their lives... it is not rare, just hidden.
They need to understand that having a baby in the picture does not STOP you love for your H... they need to understand that they most likely could not just walk out on their beloved family - it is not that simple or cut and dried!

Your sister and your family will come around, all of ours did.... you and only you are in the marriage and only you need to be-- and only YOU are required (not sisters or family) to FEEL SECURE with your decision. Do not under any circumstances allow family influence to distract or hinder your recovery! They care so much, but they will never understand so its almost a dead subject to worry about!

Send them over here to read of [many] of the positive stories and outcomes of these disasters! There is much proof that this is NOT the end of a marriage or of the world. In fact, it is sometimes (at least in my case) the disaster that brought my family together and stronger than we were before! We were DOOMED-- and this was the rock bottom that actually saved us. God works in mysterious ways- I have seen that first hand now!!

Another thing that helped was that my husband took the initiative to individually aplogize and talk individually "man to man" with my brothers and with my father. You'd never know any of them had any problem with him.

You family will take the lead from you! If you are strong, confident and assure them that this is "working for you" and you have a smile on your face- they will follow your lead!

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Ladies, thank you all for responding. I have to admit that my pride [and arrogance?] has been a major hindrance at times. I can remember years ago whenever my sister and I saw or heard of a highly publicized BS staying with a WS, we typically sneered in contempt. And, of course, the head rolling and finger snapping would follow: "Girl, there is NO way I would stay with someone like that! You only have to cheat on me ONCE and I'm gone!"

What makes this even more ironic is that my best friend and I discussed this situation earlier because she also endured the same thing from her own family and friends. She even lost some friends and family over her decision. I felt so guilty because I was one of those friends that told her to get rid of her "problem" and couldn't understand why her XH was given another chance. Of course, I wasn't married at the time. She told me today that I was one of the few friends who stayed as she had to find her way. She reminded me, too, that only God will reveal to me when enough is enough. She also strongly encouraged me NOT to allow the opinions of others--even those whom I love and who love me--to influence my decision.

Talk about judgmental attitudes coming back to bite you on the butt years later! There are times when I picture my father spinning in his grave or dying again and I'm ashamed because I know my parents did not raise me to live like this. However, for whatever reason, I am still not quite ready to give up yet.

Hello Miss Lady,

It took me 9 months after OC was born to tell my family. I told them over the phone because I was in another state. I told both my parents to get on the phone, and I just spilled the beans. I later called my sister, and told her. She was upset, but very supportive of me. My Mom & Dad were upset that I chose to deal with the situation alone, and did not tell them sooner. They respected my decision to hang in there, and never disrespected my H in anyway. My brother was upset the most. He refused to talk to my H for a good while, but he finally came around. I guess they respected my H because he has always been a good provider...yada, yada, ya...and continues to be. I have learned along time ago not to tell my family everything that happens in my marriage, because they will carry resentment, and badger me in the process. I had some friends I would talk to about my H's infidelity but that got old real quick. They got tired of hearing about it, and I got tired of talking about it, because if u have not dealt with the situation, then how can u tell someone else what to do??? I have one close friend who went thru a similiar situation, and we talk all the time. That is it. Thank goodness for this board where we can really express ourselves.
My friend told me that I have nothing to be ashamed of because I am not the one who created this situation. True...but too me it was always embarrassing. There are limited number of people who know about OC. That is just how it is. They know because of H family.
If someone were to confront me today about why I stayed, and how could I deal with this mess, I would say...be glad that you are not in the situation, and learn from the mistakes of others. Don't judge people, that is God's job. Thats it.
End of conversation.
Just my 2 cents...take care.