Well, after reading some responses to my post here and at another website, I decided to confront my WH again about his "ONS". I've doubted it all along, but decided to believe him. After telling him some of the things I'd read from other BSs, I decided to give him another chance to come clean. Found out it was a four month affair. I'm not sure if I'm angrier about the affair being four months or that he's lied to my face about it for two months. He says that he didn't tell me the whole thing because he saw me curled up in a corner crying after telling me about her and the pregnancy...and didn't want to make it worse. After telling me the "whole truth" (if it even is...) he threw up and cried. I'm not sure if this changes my wanting to work it out or not. Any advice????

JM

I had the same thing happen to me. d-day #1 was 3/5/04, which he broke up with the OW. I thought we were starting our recovery and imagine my surprise when I found an online chat text from 3/24/04 in which they stated they still loved each other. I think the second d-day, 3/25/04 hurt worse than the first one. I felt so stupid and naive.

The first d-day, I was pretty calm and told him that whatever decision he thought would make him happy, I would accept. If he left me to be with her, then so be it. I guess he wasn't expecting that reaction from me, and he decided to stay.

The second d-day, I'll admit...I was so hurt that I went ballistic. I told him to get out. If his 4 month love for this manipulative, lying woman was worth more than 18 years of marriage, then I wish him well. He sat in his truck for over an hour crying. In the end, we both confronted the OW and he told her to go back to her husband.

I don't know if this works in all cases, but what saved my marriage was that I remained calm while the OW panicked and schemed to get my husband to leave me. I acted as if I couldn't care less what he did. I think this either confused him or showed him who (me vs her) was more mentally stable. I just told him that I realized our marriage had been falling apart and I was willing to work on it, if he was also.

I don't know if this "advice" helps you, but it helped me. I didn't really know what I was doing at the time, whether I was in shock or not, but somehow it worked out.

Unfortunately this happens all the time! I cant tell you HOW MANY dday's I have had with many false recoveries...but the thing was they were NEVER false recoveries to begin with...he was always in the A but lied to me about breaking it off...Well, he did break it off, but then 5 hours later she would call him or he would call her!

It is amazing how easily they CAN lie and not feel any guilt over it...My WH even lies to me to this day! although I dont talk to him much, anytime I do talk to him, it is a lie out of his mouth!

I am sure there is way more to this than he is telling you...and he very well may STILL be in the A...dont believe a word he says righ tnow! he has to EARN his way back...

Keep posting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Welcome to the Pg/C board, JM.
Though we hate to see new members, we are glad you found us and we will be here to try to help you as much as possible.

The early days after Dday are almost always full of new surprises... ones that are usually hurtful.
There are ups and downs during this whole process of Recovery. That is why we call it the RollerCoaser of Recovery. As MT3B mentioned, "hang on for the ride of your life."

Have you read the principles on the site?
If you haven't, I encourage you familiarize yourself with them. And if possible, encourage your H to also read them and then it will be easier for both of you.

Dealing with the possibility of an OC is one that is rarely addressed by "affair recovery material."
Personally, I think that it should be something that the counselors address because it is a very real possiblity when individuals enter affairs.

Again, Welcome to our group... Read everything you can and post as often as you feel the need.
Talking it out, even on an internet board helps tremendously!

Stacia

I think all of us with multiple D-Days can relate to that sense of feeling stupid, gullible and taken advantage of. That these feelings were precipitated by people with whom we are supposed to be covenant makes it that much more painful.

Like you, jacqsmom, I wasn't sure if I was angrier about the new discovery or the fact that once again, WH looked me right in my face and LIED to me!

Only you can decide what you want to do. I know I have vacillated between cutting my losses and moving on and honoring my vows until I know absolutely sure that God wants me to throw in the towel.

Are you in IC or MC at this time?

I am experiencing your pain as well. It seems like everyday I find out some new lie that H has told me. It just seems so overwhelming to me. I cried myself to sleep last night because it just feels that my entire marriage was a lie. I guess I am starting to question everything I ever thought I knew. I am just trying to say that there may be more you don't know. I'm sorry because I know it hurts so much. You are the only one that can decide how to handle the situation and as I was told listen to that voice in you that says something isn't right. There were so many times over the years that voice was telling me things were not right, but I always thought it was my insecurities. H would always play on it. Now I can look back and see why that voice was telling me those things.

I agree with Wife30 and the others. Multiple d-days are devastating. My H lied to me so much there were days I wasn't sure we could ever move past it. My H had to make our marriage his number one priority, and to think you're in recovery only to find out that the affair continued or there are more lies is just heart wrenching.

Listen to your instincts. My guts are the first to tell me things aren't what they seem.

Big Hugs and wishing you the best of luck. I'm so sorry for your pain. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

AVNL