I posted twice since finding this website yesterday. Last night I found out that his "ONS" was actually four months of them while he was in Iraq. (See my other posts...So glad I found this place and New D-Day). Today...I found out that he slept with her three more times since she's been back from Iraq (He got back Jan 16th, and she got back Jan 26th). I told him that if it ever happened again that I would kick him out and he would never see my daughter again. We have been married for almost 8 years, and have been together for almost 10. He is the only daddy my little girl with Down syndrome has EVER known!!! I had to hear "daddy home...off Iraq...pick him up!" every day for almost a year. I am the only mom that my step-son (16) has ever known. His biological mom left my WH for another man while he was in Desert Sheild. His second step-mom left my step-son and my WH for another man too. I don't know if I can follow through with my threat!!!! Am I weak? If I didn't kick him out or at least separate...what's to keep him from doing it again? He says that he told her he couldn't live two lives about 3 weeks ago. I'm not sure that I can even believe that!!!!

The really sick and twisted thing is that I have talked to her. My precious daughter is the result of an A I had when I first joined the army in 1991...when I was the OW. I have talked to her since she's been back, and have tried to be understanding...been there...etc. I've told her I would be there to talk to if she needed it. And all the while she was listening to this...SHE WAS STILL SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND!!

Do I kick him out?
Do we separate until he can prove to me that he's willing to have NC until a paternity test?
Can I even trust him ever again?
Is it worth trying to keep a marriage going when he could continue the affair after saying to me that he could never do it again because of the look on my face when he told me about the ONS?

I hurt SOOOOO much right now that I don't know whether to scream or cry! I have to go now. There's so much more I want to post...I need some serious input. I have cherished the posts I've read so far...{{{{{{{Arabesque, MT3B,ST, ML, Wife30,AVNL,}}}}}}}}}}}}. I have a MC appt. at 12. For those of you who pray...please pray for me that I will make the right choice for myself and my family.

Michelle

I am in school right now working on my bleeping PhD for God's sake, and I was totally DUPED!!!! How could I have been so utterly taken in by BOTH OF THEM?

((((jacqsmom))))

I'm so sorry for your pain! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know this must be just devastating. I would humbly advise you to read up on Plan A/Plan B and go from there. It is imperative that your H agree to NC until a paternity test. If he can't let go of OW until the DNA test, you must execute Plan B. For your own sake!

I know this is all very fresh and the pain is excruciating....but if you let him, he will fence-sit, cake-eat and bide his time. My H continued his affair for many months after he agreed to end it. He continued to lie and cheat despite my pregnancy, despite his promise to be true to me. I had to move out, cut off contact and meet him with divorce papers in hand before he came out of the FOG. It took a year for him to get over OW (with solid NC) and I sat there with him, held him while he cried over the death of his insidious relationship with this OW. It was awful.

What was more terrible was the year he continued his relationship and lied to me about it. I felt humiliated, embarassed, used, ashamed, and completely and utterly alone. Save yourself from this experience and act now!

Also, you might want to consider speaking with his (and her) superiors. There's another thread around here somewhere regarding the Army and their policies on adulterers. You may have a strong ally in the army. Check on it. Perhaps your H will rethink his behavior if he knows it could ruin his career. The military does not like infidelity.

Be strong, sweetie. I know it's difficult and no matter what you decided it will get harder. Prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best, but PROTECT YOURSELF - no one else will do it for you. Only you know how much more of this you can handle.

If I had to do it all over again, I would've filed for divorce the second he told me about OW, maybe it would've saved me a year or two of misery - maybe my H would've gotten his head out of his @ss a lot sooner than he did.

Good luck....remember to pamper yourself. A long, luxurious bubble bath, a movie with a friend, shopping, reading a book, anything to make your mind and soul relax a little. What love you're lacking from your H you will need to give yourself. And right now you need it more than ever!

Big Hugs,
AVNL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jacqsmom:
<strong>
The really sick and twisted thing is that I have talked to her. My precious daughter is the result of an A I had when I first joined the army in 1991...when I was the OW. I have talked to her since she's been back, and have tried to be understanding...been there...etc. I've told her I would be there to talk to if she needed it. And all the while she was listening to this...SHE WAS STILL SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND!!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've talked countless times (nice, civil, and down-right berating) to the OW in our situation and same as you, I was trying to be understanding while she was still sleeping w/my H. I understand how you feel. It really pisses you off!! Anyway, I must say that I'm sorry you're going through this, we've all been there. However, I don't think you should use your DD as a reason for your H to quit the affair. You really shouldn't threaten him with that. That's unfair to put your child in the middle of it and IMO it's wrong to use your children as pawns and as leverage for getting what you want. Please don't get defensive on me, just hear me out on what I'm saying.

Now, with that said, YOU have to do what YOU feel is right for YOU. If that means kicking him out and separating then that means kicking him out and separating. He has to quit the A because he wants to quit, not because of the look on your face after he told you about the ONS. Granted, your feelings should be taken into consideration, but he has to want to do it for himself or he will always have a reason to go back to it. Understand? As far as trust is concern, it's a step-by-step process. My H and I are on the very first step. I'll let you know how it goes when we get up it!

((((((Jmom)))))))

I'm sorry for your pain. I can relate. I was also duped by my H and xow simultaneously. Xow was a close "friend" and my H is active duty.

That was 6-7y ago. It took time, but we recovered and I'm glad I did not make any decisions in the first few months. So that is my advice:

DO NOT DECIDE right now!! Reading recovery information and going to counseling is RIGHT ON! I hope your counselor is pro-marriage. Read the Harley books and MB principles and After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring is also EXCELlent.

As both you and your H have experienced adultery, it sounds like you both have un-addressed issues that need really major counseling. IF you both re-commit to the marriage with good boundaries in place and keep working on these, it IS possible that your marriage will recovery. However, it's too early to tell if your H will come around and work with you.

I chose to ONLY tell my counselor and 2 friends (one long-dist.) who I knew would understand my position and support whatever I chose without giving me too much flack for staying or going (from H). (Eventually told other people, but that was much later, after we were well into recovery)

That's my 2c today.
Hugs,
J
PS Be very gentle and kind to yourself right now. You are in grief. Remember to eat, drink, and sleep as possible, to exercise and journal and take bubble baths... you get the picture. Love yourself and turn to your higher power (God). More Hugs.

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Hello Jacqmom,

I agree with Michelle H....do not threaten your H with your child...do not use her as a pawn...forgive me for saying this, but, that is what most OW's do with the OC. ( I am sure not all, but yes, the majority of OW's do do this...so bring it on.)
First try to clear your head and think things thru. No sense in trying to dig up any more dirt because the damage is already done, and u are just hurting yourself even more. Believe me. We have all been thru it...the need to know...but it will tear u apart...so save yourself the trouble now, and just deal with the issues at hand. When we seek, we usually almost always find...I had to stop myself, because I was literally drowning myself in a heap of mess. Think about yourself, and your children, and do what is right for u. Think about what boundaries u need to put in place. Take care, and try and stay calm...I know easier said than done....I will be praying for you. Go pamper yourself, and save your sanity...u have to take care of yourself and your children.
Once again, take care.