I am a little confused and new at this,is there any possible way to restore my marriage and still have contact with the other child. The baby is due to be born in May and I still haven't worked up the courage to tell my family, H family knows and his parents are trying to get us into counseling. I don't really want to go, I want this to all just to be over, I want OWandOC to just disappear. It is so hard, I don't want people to think bad things of my husband even though he did a bad thing. I am just so confused. And I don't know what to think or feel. Thank You for letting me vent.

Yes it is possible! But you and your H have to come to that agreement togehter! What do YOU want? Do YOU want C with the OC?

Honey, it will not just disappear...it will be there for the next 18 years at least! Is your H still in contact with the OW? What does your H want? Does he want C or not? Do you guys have kids together?

I think you NEED counseling! why dont you want counseling?

I will tel you this, if your H wants C with the OC to CONTINUE the A, then he mustn' have contact with OC...

lots of people are ABLE to have c with OC and do it...Some people have never had c with OC...but this is YOUR decision to make...really at first ONLY YOUR decision and then after YOU make the decision you and your H can make a decsion TOGETHER! understand?

Keep posting sweetie..I know you are confused, but you will get thru this!

Yes, my H and I have 2 children together. The A as I know it has been over for months, my husband didn't even find out that the OW was pregnant until about 5 weeks ago, and she is due in May. I don't believe that H wants C with OC to continue affair. As far as I am concerned I don't really want to see the OC for a while. I know it is partly his (DNA test will be done) but it is just going to be a constant reminder of what happened. I feel sorry for this child. Regardless of how my husband hurt me with the A, he is an excellent father and I know that NC with the OC will hurt him a great deal.

The reason I don't want to go to counseling, I don't want to talk about this to anyone, I just want to move on with my life. To take care of my children and to try and be the wife that I obviously wasn't before the A. I know it just won't go away. but I don't want to keep dwelling on it. I just want to put it behind me and move on. I don't wanna talk about my husband being with another woman cause the thought makes me sick, the fact that he is having a baby with someone else makes me sick. The whole situation makes me sick and I just want to move on. I am committed to my marriage, to my children and I just want to be happy again. To feel loved again. I want my life back, my wonderful husband back.

LA, I'm so sorry for your pain.

I know it's just awful...you will get a lot of support here, BUT you must realize that you cannot just ignore this as if it never happened.

If you and your H are going to build an affair-proof marriage you must recover - and in order to recover you (both) will need to address the issues, face them and overcome them.

The road to marital recovery is long and tough. You must prepare yourself for the rough spots ahead. It will not be buried away, never to be seen again. If you do not deal with this completely you run the risk of another affair.

I agree with Momto3boys: it is YOUR decision FIRST, then you and your H decide together.

Good luck, I am interested to hear your answers to Mom's questions and I hope that we can all give you the support you need to do this.....

Keep your chin up....Big Hugs ((((LA))))

AVNL

Edited for spelling....

<small>[ March 23, 2005, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: aVictimNoLonger ]</small>

LA, listen,

regardless of contact or no-contact, there are ISSUES in your marriage or in your H which caused the A. If you do not address these issues, that big fat "rat" under your "carpet" will never just "go away". Ya know what I mean?!

Ignoring that the A happened is NOT in your best interests!! You or your H might have another A, and if your marriage fails, you and he will STILL carry those unknown issues into your next relationship. Better look at that "elephant in your living room" that you are trying to ignore!

I recommend everything on this MB site (principles, questionaires!), all the Harley books, After the Affair (book) by Janis Abram Spring, and COUNSELING!

Contact is something you still have time to decide about by POJA (policy of joint agreement), after you work on your marriage.

I'm sorry for you pain.
Hugs,
J
6y in recovery and C w/OC

<small>[ March 23, 2005, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

LA,
Even if you are not prepared now for MC ... would you at least consider IC? ... that might make a huge difference in you.

{{{{LA}}}}

I really feel for you. But I agree with Mt3B, AVNL, and Jenny. Counseling is (in my humble opinion) a MUST! Please, for yourself, at least consider IC. Even if he won't go with you, you need a proffessional to help you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To take care of my children and to try and be the wife that I obviously wasn't before the A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please do NOT blame yourself for your H's A. Your H made the conscious decision to have the A. There were many other decisions he could have made. If he wasn't happy, he could have talked you you. That is what committed love is about. You work through everything together. You did not do anything wrong!!! Would you blame a battered woman for her husband's inability to control his temper?

PLEASE be very cautious in allowing C with the OW. I made the mistake of telling my H that he could still see her at work and talk to her after D-Day when he came back from Iraq. He had told me it was a ONS (found out two days ago it was almost every day for four months), and that it was over, and they were just friends. I even somewhat befriended the OW. I found out yesterday that the affair continued right under my nose after D-Day. Please...please...please be careful. If you are absolutely sure about it being over, than disregard what I've said. But I had to say it. I wouldn't have found out about the continued affair if people on this and another support site hadn't cautioned me about believing the ONS story.

You're in the right place. There's a lot of support here. But please consider counseling. It's probably saved my life, and it may save my marriage.

JM

La,

I'm sure you have read my signature to see we have an oc from my H. It is REALLY hard before the OC is born because you are going though SO MUCH emotionally on what should u do or how should you handle it. But I can tell you that if you are willing to open your heart to OC, it is wonderful. Although I'm having a pity day for myself today (pregnancy hormones) I adore oc very much. I want what is best for him. I can tell you something that is hard though, it dealing with OW's way of handling OC. Raising a child is a challenge in itself but when there are TWO families involved, it seems to get hard. You just have to remember that OC is innocent and he/she will love you no matter what! The first time I met OC I cried. I was happy but hurt. So with an openmind and a willingness to accept an OC into your family, you will do wonderful. There is NOTHING like the moment OC comes in and I open his carseat cover and say HI LITTLE MAN and the grin that spreads from EAR TO EAR!!!!!!!!!!
As for your family, well my has not accepted H. They all hate him with a passion now and have kind of turned their backs on me for staying with him. But its YOUR LIFE!!!! No one elses! i know my H did something that was wrong but I chose to stand next to him and that is what I plan to do despite all the negative feedback I may get from others!!! If you ever need to talk....meganluvsmike2002@yahoo.com
This site will help you!