How do I deal with this? He says he loves me and he wants to be with me. He says he doesn't love her and he doesn't want to be with her, he still has feelings for her, but it's not "those kinds" of feelings. It's been 4 months since D-day. <P>I'm going crazy! This is killing me! What should I do? How should I feel? What should I think?<P>Should I be happy because he is being honest? Should I be angry because he is so stupid? I know I can't make him do or think anything, but… AAArrrrrrrrgggggg! ::kicking and screaming::<P> She's a HOOPTY!!!!!!!! <P>Hoopty - pronounced (hoop tee) a car that is a piece of trash, or a predatory female/male in the same condition. <P>Wow! That made me feel better!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NotQuiteOverIt (edited February 02, 2000).]

Notquite.........<P>I think you have succeded in throwing a tantrum on paper. Seriously, I have a couple of questions for you. Has your husband had any contact with OW since D-day? Secondly, has something between you and him changed lately?<P>I will just give you some of what I was feeling as the betrayer. It took me some time to get through the withdrawl period. I missed certain things about the OW for a period of time. I think that the no contact rule is essential in yours and especially his recovery. Is the OW in your case in your and your husbands face all of the time. This was happening in our case and she would just happen to be where we were many many times. This actually helped me to see what kind of a person she really was. I am not sure why her husband didnt see this but maybe he didnt want to see that. Once the "inadvertant" contact stopped it help my wife and I to move on and work on us.<P>Hang in there and you can throw more tantrums on paper if you need to. No one her will think a thing about it.<P>Greg<P>I just read your Profile and like so many others he it is scarry how similar situations can be. I will reaffaim that at least for us the no contact thing really made the diference. We decided to leave our church of 20years to help with this. OW decided that our church was where she and her family needed to be. I tried to explain to her husband how important the no contact thing was (my former best friend). I even tried to give him the SAA book by Harley. He wouldnt take it. I guess he thought that we could all just coexist and be happy.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Scarecrow (edited February 02, 2000).]

NotQuiteOverIt,<P>I agree with Greg...<P>Keep posting here...<BR>...let it out<BR>...vent<BR>...yell (that's in all CAPS...)<BR>...scream<BR>...whatever (watch the language though... MB police are everywhere... (LOL))<P>Better that you do it here than infront of you H!<P> <P>Jim

NQOI,<BR>God! You are so much better than I am at throwing a tantrum!!! I would be severely censored!<P>Tell h that he needs to stay away from her! If she shows up whereever you are, leave or find other places to go. <P>Go ahead and get it all out here! Although sometimes it would feel good to yell at the H like that! (You seriously need a BIG tractor!!! LOL)(And when you're done with it, send it my way!!)<P>I'm here if you need me!<BR>Mitzi

The OW is my D's best friend's mother. We have to have contact with her. The kids don't know about it, and we don't want to cause problems for them. He says that when he has to talk to her it is just about the kids. The problem is, that was the excuse she used when she got the whole thing started in the first place. He says that he doesn't get out of the truck, she comes and talks to him. BTW she doesn't talk to me...<P>How do you kick the tires on a Hoopty! ::kick kick kick::<P>Mitzi<P>I have a big tractor! I would like to run over her with it, while I'm pulling his head out! <BR><p>[This message has been edited by NotQuiteOverIt (edited February 02, 2000).]

NotQuite.....<P>Your not going to want to hear this but here goes. There can be no contact....none. I am curious how old your D is. Our son is 12 and the other couple had a son the same age and they told him after dday that I wwas taking advantage of his mother and she was the victim in all of this ect blah blah blah. So guess what we had to tell our children about what happened and I took responsibility for my part in this and just told him because of the continued contact we had to not have anything to do with themfor the good of our family. I told him that we could not control what they did but that we could control what we did and we we going to do what it took to have no contact with them. Both of our kids could see by some of the "coincidences" that she wanted continued contact. Since then we have moved to a different church and our two boys have found new friends and have adjusted very well. By the way, we still have our friends from the old church and so do the boys. We just dont go to that church anymore. Its kinda funny how all of our friends keep us updated on all of the stupid things she does and the slutty clothes she wears to church ect ect. Maybe that means we still have contact but I have not Talked to her or even said hi to her since dday. Beleive me I have had plenty of chances to as she suddenly became friends with one of our neighbors and decided to start walking in our neighborhood. I was wondering what she would do when it got cold and snowy. I guess it would be too obvious that she was looking for a reaction from me if she started walking in her snowboots and her parka. <P>Just consider the possibility of cutting of the contact. We wouldnt even allow our sons to be around theirs because of the missinformation and the lack of responsibility taken on her part. After we decided to leave the church, we let the kids go to thier Wed nite club one last nite and I think that my son must and went to theirs and said something to the effect of why doesnt your mom just appoligize. The OW s son said that your dad took all of the responsiblity for what happened so my mom has nothing to apoligize for. <P>It just proved that we were doing the right thing. Even though we didnt have direct contact we still had the contact with them through our son. Gotta go Ill write more later. Let me know your thoughts.<P>Greg

We live in a VERY small town. This is the only good friend my D has ever had. She is 13. They were not friends before the OW pushed them together, but now they are like sisters. Separating them would really make a mess! I have thought about how to do it…<P>My D asked me, "Don't you like Miss A?" The answer I wanted to give was, "No! Do you remember all of the times she was coming over, calling, and hanging around? She wanted your father to leave us for her."<P>::kick stomp flip slobber cuss scream:: I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>

I'm guessing you see what kind of turmoil I'm in. I don't know what I can do besides trying not to hold too much in.<P>You talk about a trigger, how about that gun going off in your face. Her daughter looks just like her.<P>I just need something to tell myself to help me hang on to some good feelings. <P>My H is being supportive, but... I WANT HIM TO SAY THE WORDS... "She is TRASH and it makes me sick to think that I ever thought I liked her." <P>He says that it was all his fault. I know it was his decision, but she had been chasing him for months and she finally got his attention. And the stuff she did after he said, "this can't happen again"... <P> HOOPTY

Notquite<P>I am back after getting new drivers license and lunch. Is there any possible way that you or your daughter could have the contact with the OW. This might be hard for you but it would keep your husband out of the loop (this way he would have no contact with her). I am just trying to figure out a way to help here. Just from my own experience as the betrayer, that would never work for me (seeing the OW all in the name of the children) I guess your husband has to understand that he should never see or talk to the OW again. This is a quote from the book SAA by Harley. It sounds as if your husband still cares for her and still wants to be her friend. I know that this is what caused the "paper tantrum" earlier. I know thing are not always as simple as they seem and each situation is different than ours. I think that a very serious and drastic thing has happened and very serious and drastic measures must be taken to prevent the same from happening again. I know for me, this emotional affair happened before and the three of us knew about it. (I didnt tell my wife and neither did the OW s husband) The three of us agreed that it was wrong and we were all on our guard against it. To get right to the point after a while we did start sharing things we shouldnt have been sharing and it did get to the point again where the OW friendship meant more to me than my wifes or the OW s husband friendship.<P>What steps do you think that you can do for yourself to help calm your fears and start meeting your husbands needs and him start to meet yours? How big is the town you live in? I wish you could call my wife and I and we could help but I know things would improve if there was no contact. There just has to be some practical ways for you or your husband to not have contact with her. I know that sometimes maybe I seem uncaring or harsh to you but all I can do is tell you how I feel, felt ect. I just know what worked for us and luckily my kids understood and are happy now.<BR>Greg

The town's population is around 1500, and we can't move. I've stopped as much contact as I can. He gets off work sooner that I do and he picks up the kids from school. He doesn't want to see her, or talk to her. He never goes up to her, calles her, or starts any conversation. He won't answer the phone at home until he checks the caller I.D. (GREAT devise, stopped the hang up calls immediately!) He really doesn't want to have anything to do with her. I just don't know if I really believe that, or if I'm in denial. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him, lately. <P>The main reason for my "paper tantrum" is because she is so sneaky. If she did something that I could prove, I would break her nose. I feel like she is still sticking knives in my back. Maby it's my imagination! ::<P>My needs - I want him to hate her! I want her to fall off the face of the earth! <P>His needs - Me to get over it!