My W, Caterpillar, and I are separating this week. We’ve agreed to do this to save our friendship and save a chance for possible reconciliation. Since discovery/confession, we have tried to work it out. She agreed to no contact except for some unavoidable work/social situations. He was meeting her need for conversation and she had no email/phone contact during this time. 10 days ago he sends her an email telling her he is moving on, getting a new job, to stay w/ me and work it out, etc. She got him a card and met him secretly to give it to him. I found out and went ballistic, Lbing big time. She asked for a divorce, I said fine. Cooler heads have since prevailed and I am moving out for a few months to give each other time to figure out what we really want.<BR>She says she loves me, but is not in love with me and has never loved me the way she loves OM. She cannot commit to me or to our marriage. She will not commit to not contacting him and will probably start the relationship again. She has asked me to take the kids on the weekends when his ex has their D and has essentially told me to live as though I were single.<BR>Our main problems are as follows:<BR>1. W recognizes I have changed for the better over the last 5 months but doesn’t trust that they are permanent and resents me because it’s taken 10 years to figure out her needs.<BR>2. I am resentful, bitter, hateful, etc over the affair and while I tried to Plan A, I did slip up and LB, mainly because I have no one to talk to. I am going to get counseling while separated. She thinks I can’t get past the affair. I say I’m trying, but she hasn’t committed to our marriage and won’t commit.<BR>3. She believes if she stays, she will not get over him and will always wonder “What if?” so I take that to mean she will resume her affair and let it live or die naturally. We are separating because I could not allow that while still living together because I would LB totally and completely and she doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. She says the relationship is real love and expects it to live, thus wanting me to go find someone else.<P>My questions are:<BR>1. Do I continue to Plan A or go to Plan B? I still love her and my love banks are pretty full still. Repeated exposure to her relationship w/ OM would drain them rapidly but being separated, I shouldn’t see that, so can still Plan A and do a much better job of it. We both tentatively agreed to Plan B, but I still want her to know I am here and love her and want her.<BR>2. Do I agree to take the kids on weekends when they can be alone together or do I make it hard for them? I know it would be a LB to do option 2, and she has already told me she’ll take the kids to her mom’s if she has to. We both agree that the kids should not get “attached” to OM until she knows for sure. I’m guessing the more they see of each other, the quicker they’ll get on each other’s nerves. But then again, why make it super easy on them?<BR>3. Do I go out and find someone or would that just make it easier for her to let go? I have no intention of doing that right now, but I don't know what the future holds. I am committed to her and our marriage, so I guess I'm asking for a slap in the head to knock some sense into me. <BR>4. Has anyone had any luck with electro-shock therapy for their spouses? Just kidding. (unless it works!!!!)<BR>

Instead using electro-shock therapy I would recommend filing for divorce which may shock her into the realization that she is messing up her life and that of her children. The crisis of divorce may jar her into rethinking her position. I would recommend the book "Love Must be Tough" by Dr.J.Dobson. It has excellent ideas on how to deal with the type of scenario that you find yourself in. Best wishes

Sparkydog,<P>I'd suggest the following (for what it is worth)...<P>Stay in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... your thoughts include...<BR>"...but I still want her to know I am here and love her and want her."<BR>"She says she loves me"<BR>"...and she doesn’t want to hurt me anymore"...<BR>"my love banks are pretty full still"<BR>"I shouldn’t see that(affair), so can still Plan A and do a much better job of it"<BR>"I am committed to her and our marriage"<BR>Here it is... the "gentle slap on the head"... <P>You are so into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... stick with it!!!<P>About the kids...<BR>...I'd take them <B>EVERY</B> time I could!!!<BR>If you believe that "We <B>(she)</B> both agree that the kids should not get “attached” to OM until she knows for sure.."... I think that you need to rethink this... in a very short time... she will change her mind... I guarentee it!<P>About seeing someone else... remember... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, don't walk away, RUN! (page 171 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...again... a gentle slap on the head...<BR>BTW: I love you... and would never hurt you!<P>Straighten out your tie...<BR>and walk the talk...<BR>BTW: make sure you tell me to do the same. <P>Electro-shock... OK by me. <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 31, 2000).]

Max,<BR>Thanks for the info on the book, may pick it up and read it just in case. Did it work for you? I searched your username but didn't find anything about your story. I'm not prepared to follow through on the "threat" of divorce so I won't be filing unless I mean it.<P>Jim,<BR>You are right about Plan A. I will have to continue my lame attempts to show her I love her. Do I still do it if she doesn't want me to? I would guess she would prefer Plan B because then she wouldn't feel as guilty. One problem I have is the 11th anniversary of our first date (Feb. 15th) is coming up and she doesn't want me to get her anything, but I have to because she means so much to me. Would continuing to show her my love be a love buster if she doesn't want it?<BR>

Sparkydog,<P>About continuing in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... even though she would prefer a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<P>Absolutely... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... all the way!<P>Don't make your attempts lame...<BR>Make them wholehearted!... You can do it!<P>"Would continuing to show her my love be a love buster if she doesn't want it?"... Wow... that is a good one. My W curses me out to high heaven if I show her the slightest bit of good will(much less affection or love)... While this is somewhat unusual... it has heppend to others on the forum. You have to use your judgment on this. If her reaction will be very negative... don't do it! A smaller gift... a less expensive dinner/night out... may be more in order.<P>But don't stop the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>, until her hurting you causes the balance in your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> to fall too low!<P>Chin up...<BR>A long battle awaits...<BR>Persistance!<P> <P>Jim

Keep plan Aing, don't separate, you can't work on your marriage apart. Also don't threaten divorce unless you are ready to take that step. She will use it to validate that your marriage is over in her mind.<P>My x said all the same things to me. When she said she had to see it through, I said she couldn't live at home and date and she practically ran me over leaving.<P>If you are separating, why are you leaving. She is the one having the affair. This is where Plan B is supposed to work. Your w would then need om to supply more than conversation. She would see how many needs you do met. Can om met those? Not usually. Afterall it osunds like he is moving on, so thats why you shouldn't separate.<P><BR>Hang in there. God Bless<P>Bob

Hi, SparkyDog - I agree, keep up the Plan A!!! There's still a lot you can do and, to tell you the truth, I have to admit I think it's EASIER to be honest and work on yourself when you're separated.<P>I know it's best to stay together, but I honestly don't believe that H and I could've gotten where we are if he had stayed. He needed to get out and find out and I needed the time to "figure it out!"<P>Hang in there. It ain't over 'til it's over!<P>Lori

second try at this <P>Sparkydog asked me to post "my side" of our story.<P>to answer a few questions:<BR>H is moving out because I am the main caregiver and it is least disruptive on the kids, and I work out of the home.<P>I asked for a divorce because I was honest enough to admit I could not commit to him or the no contact rule.<BR>I realize my actions are hurting/will hurt him and that is not my motive, I offered it as a way out for him if that was what he needed to do, that I don't expect him to "wait for me"<P>Now as to why we are seperating: We have spent the past ten years learning how Not to communicate and how to hurt each other. We are experts at pushing each others buttons. Right now we are both emotionally exhausted and physically worn down. The kids are seeing it and nothing productive is occuring at this time. <P>I realize and take responsibility for the fact that we can't work on it until I commit. But I also feel that he is unable to get past my betrayal. We don't have the solid foundation to base recovery on. We don't know if we can make it or if it will be worth the effort, even if we were both commited. Reading how 1-2 years later people are still dealing with the pain and hurt is intimidating. Are we strong enough to do this?<P>Right now we are seriously killing each other. When we talk, it is about the affair, when I disclose information he asked for it gets "thrown back at me" I am unable to get past my own guilt or to help him deal with his emotions. I also have many issues of my own to deal with, such as money and his "sudden change" and the feelings of "where was this when I asked for it the past ten years"? And I am not against plan A, I do love H, but there is a lot of work to be done. Numerous occasions of lb-ing leave me feeling always on the defensive, to watch what I say or what anyone else says. That just makes me keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and is not productive to recovery.<P><BR>I do take responsibility for my actions, and besides the initial "heat of the moment" start of the affair, I have considered the consequences of my actions. This seperation has not been entered into lightly or just so "I can be with the om". I know we Will divorce if we stay together at this point. That is how bad the tension and hurt are in our house at this time. While I obviously can't predict the end result and consequences I feel I have thought this through. We have discussed it and he agreed that he also can not stay under the conditions we are right now.<P>I am sure there was other stuff I typed but can't think of it right now. but the is my view of our situation. Sorry is this is disjointed, I was trying to remember what I had previously typed.<P>Cat<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Caterpillar (edited February 02, 2000).]

Jim, Bob, and Lori<BR>Thanks for the encouragement and support. I'll reply more tomorrow. I'm an accountant and we're closing our monthly books this month so I'm kind of busy.<P>Cat, my dear wife<BR>I love you. Thanks for posting.

Just an update. Moved out last night. Didn't exactly Plan A, but didn't LB too bad either. Was just very somber and reserved. Of course it doesn't help when Cat helped me move in then went to Walmart w/ me to get my supplies. Just sucked so bad to see the "excitement" that the kids showed when they saw "Daddy's house." Guess that's better than pain.<BR>Anyway last night wasn't horrible. Sad, no sleep, but not bad. Started to feel more in control of myself and will probably begin my Plan A in earnest soon.<BR>Bob,<BR>The "only" need that Om can't meet is being the natural father of our kids, or that is the impression I get from Cat. He isn't moving on, I think he sent the email to stir her emotions and force her to contact him, which happened and now they are in constant contact. He loves her, told me that and wants to marry her. He also told me he will try for custody for his daughter and presenting that "stable" homelife w/ my (ex)wife will help him in that respect. The guy is scum and will not let go unless Cat breaks it off.<BR>Lori,<BR>A response from the Queen of Plan A. But then again Pop Tarts and Bacon vs. Plan A LOL Silly twit. I can't even look at Pop Tarts w/out thinking of that. I do need this time apart to figure it out for me. Why in the heck do I want her back so badly? Love, ego, jealousy? I am making an appointment for counseling for next week to help me unravel this mystery.<BR>Thanks to everyone for your replies and support.<BR>Allen