My W is very conservative, with a good reputation for being moral and doing good. And up to this point it has been deserved. If word of her affair got out, she says she would have to move away. She would never be looked at the same way again and our kids would be stigmatized and treated differently.<P>She said this immediately after her first sexual encounter with OM (and as far as I know the only one) when she was remorsefull for her deeds. She has become increasingly defensive of her actions recently.<P>Now, she wants to take a vacation and visit OM for a week. (He now lives outside the country). Up to this point I thought she was going to let the relationship die. I thought she knew it was wrong and was going to suffer through the withdrawal period and make decisions about our marriage once she was out of that stage. But now with her persuing the relationship further with a vacation to see him I would like to know if you all think I should remain quiet about the affair? I was protecting her dignity but if she is going to hide behind *MY* shield of secrecy she'd better be using it to *recover* not to further her relationship.<P>She seems to think that OM is her once-in-a-lifetime chance at happiness and feels she must persue it to find out if it could work out. Otherwise, she will always wonder what could have been. She says she wants some closure to the issue.<P>I don't want to destroy her, I love her. But I feel that keeping the secret might be encouraging her affair. But letting the cat out of the bag might be a gigantic LB that we may not recover from. What do you think?<P>I would have a very hard time not telling people exactly what she was doing when they asked, "where's your W?" What am I supposed to tell them, "Oh, she when to another country by herself just to get away???"

hopefull_1,<P>The general idea of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is of course no <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>.<P>Would disclosing everything to everyone be a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... you bet.<P>Before I found MB... I knew nothing about any of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>... so I told everyone...<P><B>Big Mistake</B>...<BR>...it pushed her away from me and into the OM's arms... for almot 10 months now...<P>I had, without realizing what I did, helped her burn her own bridges and now it has become much harder for her to come back.<P>Would it be the same way with you?...<BR>I don't know...<P>In hindsight I should have told very little if anything to anyone (except immediate family).<P>I think you can express your <B>deep</B> fear that by having any contact... she is hurting you... and you feel that the contact will result in even more future contact...<P>...but to disclose the affair to the "world"....<BR>...I would not... (a real <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>)<P>Prayers for a wise decision...

Hopeful - Except for my MIL, who guessed and called for confirmation (pretending H had told her!), and my brother, I told no one. Even though he moved out in August, most of my family doesn't even know.<P>I don't know, seems to me that doing something that I KNEW would hurt my h was nothing but a lovebuster.<P>I'm glad I didn't. <P>Lori

I didn't do it.<P>I wanted to protect my H's integrity in our close knit little world.<P>I did not want our kids to ever know. I did not want to hurt his family, which it would have.<P>It was right for me. But if he would have left or really pursued the OW...I wouldn't have lied or covered for him, either.<P>In your case, even if she leaves for a week, I'd keep quiet for now.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hopeful,<P>Please keep in mind this is my advice and experience only.<P>KEEP QUIET! <P>Sorry to yell, but I can't emphasize enough the importance of this. If you make your wife's affair common knowledge, you will find your family is the object of hurtful gossip and rumors that will make your situation much worse. I don't know if your children are aware of the affair now, but they surely will be aware of more than you want them to know. After all, she is still their mother and you don't want to destroy that relationship.<P>You will be bombarded with unasked for advice, some good, but much of it very bad. You will also find yourself being avoided by people who do not know what to say or how to act.<P>If you and your wife do reconcile, many people will treat you like an idiot for staying with an unfaithful spouse. These pressures will make a difficult situation even worse. And let's face it, 50 years from now people who know you will remember that your wife was unfaithful to you, though they will not remember the years of happiness you shared.<P>Other than the people directly involved, there are only three people who know about our marital problems, and they do not know the details. It has made it much easier to face friends and family. We went to a marriage counselor, and that really helped.<P>Of course, you need support and comfort, and there is nothing wrong with telling those you can really trust and feel close to. Just make those choices carefully. Protect yourself by documenting your wife's trip, phone calls, etc., just in case the worst happens and your marriage fails.<P>If your wife continues her adulterous behavior, people will find out on their own, and you will not be blamed for it. But it will still be difficult for you and your children. I wish you all the best.<P>Please remember, this is just my advice from my own experience and that of a close friend. I kept quiet and my marriage is in recovery. She immediately told her in-laws and family, and her husband left her because he no longer had to try to hide his affair from his family. Her marriage failed and her husband became very bitter towards her, portraying her as evil for trying to destroy his relationship with his parents and sister.<P>Make your choice carefully. Once done, it cannot be undone.<P>Good luck,<P>Peppermint

I have a question to add,(this is me honing in again, on someone eleses post) If most people at his work know or think they know and the betrayer moves out, What do you tell the Wives whose H's work with mine when you don't go to their monthly luncheons anymore because you don't feel you have a right to go? I feel like I need to tell them something( or have my friend, who is also one of the Wives,) say some thing. <P>------------------<BR>Peg<p>[This message has been edited by Peggy (edited February 03, 2000).]

I personally do not feel that covering up for your wife or telling lies to other people about what she is doing is a good idea. I think it helps her to keep the fantasy going. I personally see covering up for the affair similar to someone covering up for a spouse's alchohol or drug abuse, hoping that your covering up for them will help them to love you more and eventually stop. The only way to get over an addiction is to release that what you are doing is wrong and hurts other people. I don't think I would put an ad in the paper, but when people ask, I would'nt lie to them about what your wife is doing. I also think that by covering up for you wife, especially when she tells you about a vacation she is planning with the other man and you cover for her, your telling her it's ok for her to have an affair. I don't think the cover up is part of plan a. Your wife and her om need to wake up to the reality of their littly fantasy. I also personally believe that your children have a right to know what their mother is up to. I guess I think about myself and if my mother or father where having an affair that tore up my family, I would probably resent my mother or father that lied to me about the person having the affair as much as I did the one having it. You also teach your children that it ok to tell lies or cover up for people that do wrong, if it's to your benifit. Lieing and covering up, I think, will only prolong your agony.<P>My thoughts for what they are worth.

TimJ<BR>I would tend to agree with you about not lying or covering up. In many cases that would be enabling behavior and when the truth came out, your own integrity would be compromised.<P>However, there is a difference between proclaiming the affair and lying about it.<P>I had it easy. No one even suspected, so I was never questioned.<P>If you don't want to lie and deny, but want to keep things private...something like "I know you care and want to help, but this is a private matter in our marriage W & I are working on. Not a lie.<P>Now biblically, a Christian might want to take this matter to their Pastor or trusted Christian friend to speak together with the offending party.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hopefull,<P>I would suggest not telling the world. I am sure she is not proud of what she did, and she will have a hard time being around your mutual friends etc. if she were to come back. She may even use it as a reason to not come back.<P>I told many of our mutual friends because in our relationship she did not communicate her problems. I turned to them for support and also hoping she had mentioned things to them. Which she did. <P>I regret it however.<P>If we ever got back together I have no idea how she could show her face to my family<BR>and friends. One of our friends has even called her to voice her disapproval. I am sure all of these are major LBs.<P>I wish I could have changed all this, but at the time I needed my friends to talk to.<P>Please learn from my mistake.

I think two principles are in order here:<P>#1. Never tell a lie. <P>That one seems pretty simple. Don't lie on your behalf and don't lie on anyone else's behalf either. The question becomes more complicated when the issue is "disclosure". In general if someone dosn't ask they don't want to know. Further, even if they do ask, you are not under any obligation to tell them. So say it's none of thier business.<P>#2. Never tell a person something you may want them to forget later.<P>If you tell your parents, the world, etc., how angry you are with her, you will be forever shaping the perception people have of your wife. You might not be angry later, but they will remember even after you forget. As soon as any issue gets taken outside the marriage, it's pretty much on a straight path to ending.<P>In a way, that's what she did in the first place. She took something she thought was missing outside the marriage. Look where that's going now. As soon as you have someone else involved, you also have thier objectives, thier preceptions, and thier judgements. Choose the people you let in to do that very carefully.

I vote for not telling at this point. She is , however, putting you in a bad spot so ask her what you should tell people if they ask where she is. Down the road , however, if she continues and moves in with OW etc. you can't protect her any longer. <BR> Personally I didn't want to tell anyone(except a few trusted friends) but my H kept seeing OW and inevitably it came out. It was much harder in recovery for him to face everyone but at the same time I DO think reality slapped him in the face when people knew. We have moved and it's such a relief for noone here to know...for one thing I don't have to face it everyday and face people's questions and concerns.Like someone else said once you tell there is no going back so think carefully..... Lu<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lu:<BR><B> I vote for not telling at this point. She is , however, putting you in a bad spot so ask her what you should tell people if they ask where she is. Down the road , however, if she continues and moves in with Om etc. you can't protect her any longer. <BR> Personally I didn't want to tell anyone(except a few trusted friends) but my H kept seeing OW and inevitably it came out. It was much harder in recovery for him to face everyone but at the same time I DO think reality slapped him in the face when people knew. We have moved and it's such a relief for noone here to know...for one thing I don't have to face it everyday and face people's questions and concerns.Like someone else said once you tell there is no going back so think carefully..... Lu</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Oops, sorry about that second post ,...I tried to edit the first one and ended up with another post....I guess I should read directions!...Lu

Faith HL,<P>I don't mean to imply that a proclaimation should be made proclaiming his wife's an adulter, but I think that his wife should understand that he will not be covering up for her while she goes of on a vacation with another man. If she feels that people finding out about her affair will cause her to have to leave town, than she needs to realize people will find out, and it's not her husbands fault if they do, it's her's for having the affair. I don't recommend proclaiming the affair as a way to punish the person in the affair, but I think you also have to look our for yourself in this situation. Lord knows the person in the affair isn't going to. In my case, I know I was going through some tough times during my wifes affair and their were times when I did tell people that my wife was having an affair. Telling people is how I got support from them for what I was going through. I did tell my wife's family and my family about it because I felt they had a right to know why I might be avoiding them. I felt that for my wife to realize what the affair was about, she needed to know how other people in her life would react. <P>Anyway, just some more followup on this subject.

You all seem to be in agreement for the most part. Keep quiet, but don't lie. I honestly don't look forward to the day that the secret gets out but she's playing with fire. It's going to get out if she doesn't stop. If she goes I will be so mad it will be hard to hold my tongue.<P>Thanks for all your input!

What does she think her consequence would be if she went on vacation.<P>Is his move there permanent? <P>Do you think she is considering moving there if it goes well?<P>In her mind if she leaves the marriage, is she taking the kids? Or is she itching to get away from her whole life?<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I told those I needed support from, and who I could count on not to judge him, and not pass on to anyone else. Not that I was perfect. I told a few people in moments of weakness that I shouldn't have, but they don't know my husband, have no contact with him so I don't think it will come back in any way to hurt him. The biggest people I told were his parents. That got me the cold shoulder from him for quite a while. That was the drawback, the positive is that it opened up a relationship between me and them whereby I could tell them what was going on so we could all help him through withdrawal.<P>Check your motives. If your telling someone because you want to ruin her reputation than it's an LB. Don't do it. Hurt just begets hurt. If you tell anyone weigh the consequences carefully.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith Hope Love:<BR><B>What does she think her consequence would be if she went on vacation.<P>Is his move there permanent? <P>Do you think she is considering moving there if it goes well?<P>In her mind if she leaves the marriage, is she taking the kids? Or is she itching to get away from her whole life?<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This guy (OM) lives where it's warm. He flys south in the winter. He's young, retired, lives off his investments and has nothing better to do with his life than to lift weights, play with his expensive toys and chase women. (sorry, I'm venting again)<P>Evidently he is having a party of some sort or a get-together with lots of friends and my W is invited. That's how she sees it. If things go well, (how could they not?) I don't know what is in her head. She loves her kids, I can't see her leaving them. She doesn't want me out of the kids lives either so I can't see her taking the kids. I can't imagine him moving back here and settling down in one place and being faithful. (did I mention that his first marriage ended because of his affair with his pastor's wife.) I honestly don't know what she plans to do. I don't know if *she* knows.<P>This is all so incredibly illogical, crazy and stupid. She's posessed. That's got to be it. I really wouldn't be suprised if her head spins around and she levitates out of her bed one of these nights.

I have mixed feelings on this one. There are pros and cons for both options. In my case I told a few close friends, and little by little more people knew. He told some people, because he was a mess and they knew something was wrong. Now the whole neighborhood knows and that is my biggest regret. Unfortunatly, this kind of news does not stay safe for long. People just love this stuff. At times I wish I could move. It's hard, because as much as I'd like to think I don't care what people think, I do. I wonder what they think now that he's back. I think I look like a stupid fool. I know these people don't really count in the grand sceme of things, but it bothers me. My big regret was telling the neighbor behind me, who I thought had more sense then she did. She told her daughter the number of women, who in turn told my daughter (she's 10) I was really upset. My daughter knew he cheated, but not with how many. He had to look his beloved daughter in the face and explain he was wrong and he sinned. That was another price he had to pay. So in some ways it is good that the truth be known. He has had to face my family, his friends, people at our old church....He said to me once..."Every relationship that I have, I have hurt. No one looks at me the same way". So in my case the knowledge has brought the message further home to him that there is a price to pay, he lied to himself and told himself he was only hurting himself (before I knew) and he would handle that. Now the lights are on and boy I can see how bright it is for him.<BR> <BR>Also, I feel free from the "secret", I don't have anything to be ashamed of. I don't have to cover for him, I wouldn't anyway. I just don't like the outer fringe of people I know to pass judgment on me. There is no "right" answer, every case is different. I think that for us, (he was a youth pastor), it was more than stupid, immoral behavior. He was an example to young people. H no longer was in ministry when this happened, but we still know alot of people. In my case, it was good for him to see just how wrong and destructive his choices were. He is remorseful. I think he is paying a price for this in his own world. He was so concerned with his "image" and now it is gone. I had nothing to do with that, you simply reap what you sow.<P>I do think though, that if you kept silent, you are in a way enabling this behavior. She doesn't have to face it, other than with you. She may know how to deal with you, but when it comes to friends and family, she is out of control. I guess you have to do what you feel is right. I told my h when he first was upset that I told someone, that he made the choice, it was his behavior, not my telling that was wrong. If he didn't do it, I would have nothing to say. It's kind of like when you throw sand in the air, some will get in your eyes. Is it the sand's fault? Cause and reaction.<P>I remember the night he told me, he begged me not to divorce him, he said he was worried about my reaction. I told him calmly that I will not take any blame for the "Reaction" His actions, caused my reactions.<P>The first few weeks are the closest to insane I have ever been. You don't know what is right and you make errors in judgments. But....the truth should always be told. That is why we are in such pain, we have been so deceived.<P>I wish you the best