My wife had an affair with my best friend. Now that it's out in the open she says its over with him. She hasn't had any contact with him and she wants to work it out with me. I do love her and things have gotten better between us when we are together. We play,talk and are much more romantic towards eachother. She accounts for all the time that we are not together without me even asking her.She tells me that she loves me all the time. The problem that I have is that when I'm alone I keep having thuoghts about what happened and get very depressed. I see the OM every day and it makes me feel like crying all the time. Sometimes I feel like my W is doing all that she is doing only because she feels guilty. I don't want a marriage based on guilt, only on love. When I 'm home alone and the kids aren't around I sit in front of the computer and look through the MB site and see all the other people with the same kind of problems. When I see all the excuses that the betrayers would use I see more of the things that I was blind to see. The lies and excuses and that only makes me even more upset. I only wish that I knew how to deal with this. Any advice would be helpful. I want to make my marriage work for the benifit of myself,W and kids. I love them all but I have to get over this hump of betrayal,loss of trust and most of all the hurt. How do I do this???? Thanks for any help that anyone can give>>>>>>

Mr. Lovejoy,<P>Seeing the other man everyday has to hurt, especially since he was your best friend. Any chance you could find another job some place else? Every time you see him it's got to bring up the anger you must feel towards him and the hurt. The thing for you to remeber is that you are the one who is in the wright, not the other man. Your wife is back with you, not him. He used your wife and you supported her, and you are the one that can hold your head up. I am lucky in that I don't see the other man on a regular basis. I have goon by his apartment and I have seen his picture on the wall at the hospitol my wife works at. I pretty much quit going to her work to avoid seeing him or running into him. <P>Not sure this helps, but good luck and be strong.

Mr. LoveJoy,<P>Please, Please , Please,<P>Count your blessings. As Tim said, your wife is with you, she wants things to work, and you are both working on things.<P>I would suggest going to counseling ASAP to help uncover the reasons for the affair. Work on your realtionship. Making it better, make it stronger, and in time maybe you will think OM did you a favor.

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Mr Lovejoy</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>Much the same way you can't teach a wayward to heal and return to the marriage... you sound like you can't heal yourself.<P>Have you thought about counseling for yourself. To develop skills of accepting your W's return. It can be so hard to beleive in what she says... especially when you read the stories here...<P>Acceptance is hard...<P>You rejecting her... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> with her... withdrawing from her... <B>is easy</B>!<P>Don't get sucked into the "easy"...<P>If books, forums (like this), or you yourself... aren't making that acceptance happen... think of counseling...<P>Never be ashamed of asking for help...<BR>...be ashamed to reject it... <P>I'm praying for you... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited February 01, 2000).]

God, this sounds familiar I have discovered my wifes affair with my best friend on New years day, the difference being she wants to leave me for him, after 20 years of marriage and 3 kids ( after a 6 week affair. I say you are so, so lucky that she wants to re-build her relationship with you. You must just put OM out of your mind, never ever again mention his name, and learn from your mistakes with your marriage, because there must have been some. I truly believe you will have a stronger marriage with time. All the best for you I hope it works out. For me I only have devastation and hopelesness.

L.J.,<BR> You've already heard this,but I'll repeat it.Can you find a job somewhere else?Seeing the guy that slept with your W everyday has got to be the worst thing for you,and your state of mind.Who's to say that one day you don't lose it,and trash him,losing your job or worse.I make good money at my job,but I'd rather work at McDonald's,that see the OM everyday.Seriously consider it for your own piece of mind,OK? Stay strong. --Murph

WOW! that hurts!! I know the thoughts of the two of them together is hard to get over. I see the guy my wife was with about once a week. It's just a disturbing image that I don't want and I know that you don't want.<BR>Try to remember the words of wisdom that so many people say :Your the one that she's with now.<P>I don't know about you but, it's been 2 months since I found out about my W and the OM and I still have a hard time getting the thoughts of them together out of my head. I still feel kind of uncomfortable when I'm "with" her. I felt like I was being compared with him all the time and that, made it hard to enjoy.<P>But a very good person at giving advice told me to reclaim her. Do things that give her pleasure, and she will associate them with me and only me.<BR>That's what I've been doing, and it's helping. It's helping get rid of the thought of the two of them together, because I know that she is enjoying me being with her, and only me.<P>I know that for me, the images of them being together was only because of feelings that he might me better. Prove to her and you, you are better than him! Give it a try, see if it works. Just don't expect it to be an overnight recovery.<BR>Hope this helped some.<P>Hang in there, it's a bumpy ride, but it's worth it!<P>JW

Mr Lovejoy,<BR> First of all be thankful that your wife is with you and working on making your marriage better than it has ever been. I can truly un-derstand what you are going through in seeing OM as that just happened to me yesterday for the first time in a couple of months and it made my stomach turn. Wanted to throw-up, and run him over as he was walking through the parking lot in front of me. I don't believe I could go through that every day. I would suggest a different job or even moving away if that is what it takes so that you can focus on each other. Wish you well.<BR> Gale