For anyone who read my post last night, we went to our friend's and had an 'okay' time. Nothing major - good or bad - <P>This morning I tried to talk with him about what he wants. He always answers questions with questions. Basically, he doesn't want to talk about it, says he's 'tired' of my questions. I was really calm (oh, cramp in my arm from patting myself on the back) but told him that I thought I deserved to be involved in decisions that affect our family - if he's staying or just hanging out here until he can afford to move out<P>oops, gotta go, see ya later.<P>sorry----anyway, maybe I'm just too thick between the ears, but should I just not ask anything? I'm a talker, always have been, and I tend to over analyze. I know one of my biggest problems is not listening all the way through to his responses - one of those irritating people who will jump in and finish a sentence for someone if they speak too slowly for me...I'm working on it and I am getting better at resisting the urge.<P>What do you all think? Especially the guys - is this more of a guy thing? The not wanting to talk - I honestly don't know. How can I handle this so I don't push him away again, but still maintain my sanity?<p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited February 06, 2000).]

RC,<P>Please see my post to you on your other thread before the date last night. It's a tough post to swallow, but it is all so true based on what you wrote then and now again today.<P>I really believe that YOU are pushing him away - and I don't think that is what you want. How, you are pushing him with all the questions. It is the same as being needy, begging, pleading, needing to know everything so that you can somehow control it and/or analyze it for your own gain.<P>He is the one that must make the decisions now as to when to talk. In time, if you are Plan A'ng really good, not even giving ANY attention in action or words to his infidelity or his lack of meeting your emotional needs right now. You need to be the best you possible, for you first, while meeting his needs at the same time. I he thinks you are clinging to him, or sobbing and worrying about what's going on with him all the time then he will not be as attracted to you - that would be pushing him away. No, the questions are not good at all - even though it is fair for you to know, if you want you marriage to work you must let it go right now. <P>Feel and act out your pain when he's not around.<P>I say these things from experience. My wife just ended (so she tells me now) an Emotional Affair that could very well have ended our marriage - and we have four little kids and were/are madly in love. I did exactly as you are doing now, and she eventually asked me to move out because she decided she wanted to sleep with him (she didn't, and I didn't move out). Instead, I changed as I should have long ago. I started and continue to Plan A extreme. I meet all the EN's she lets me, and don't worry much about those she won't let me meet (like conversation, he was meeting that one, but now she lets me). I stopped asking all questions, stopped looking and acting worried, started making new friends, dressing very nicely, going out on my own - etc. I showed no anger and went on with my life. I even stopped calling her at work. She began to worry that I didn't care or wanted her to leave. I just kept on going.<P>Finally, last night, she told me that she never really wanted us to break up, but needed to say those things to justify sleeping with the OM. Finally she went out dancing with me until 3am last night. We are not perfect yet, and have a long way to go, but we are recovering. And you can too.<P>Hope I wasn't too rough, but I know you want it to work.<P>SamH

Sam,<P>Thanks again, I know what you are saying is right. I just really have to watch it - about letting my mouth take over before my brain engages. Of course you weren't too rough, it's easier to hear the truth sometimes from someone you don't really know.<BR>I value your opinion and I will try

Dear SamH<BR>I've read with interest your situation and the advice you have provided others here.<BR>I am toally in awe of people who can manage to implement a successful plan A and not breakdown in the process.I am trying my best to do exactly so.My husband is having an affair with a woman who lives overseas,we have been happily married for 12 years(2 kids)and he says he isn't willing to give her up.He is demostrating all the classic syndromes of a betrayer :withdrawal,moodiness,short temperdnes..etc yet has admitted that he is still in love with me and does not want to end our marriage.He says he is in love with both of us...<BR>You've mentioned the importance of time and not being too clingy,does one completely ignore the exitence of the affair by not mentioning it at all?I am worried he will get used to the idea of vacillating between two women.In a letter he wrote to me after discovery he said he will continue leading a "miserable and stressful double life until he can bear it no longer". <BR>

A year ago I had an incredible need to talk and my H had an incredible need not to talk.<P>He ended the affair, was 100% committed to the marriage, but was basically a clam otherwise. I doubt if in this entire year we talked about the affair or deep thoughts about our own relationship for over six hours total. Per day average, therefore, is next to nothing. In fact that would be one half an hour per month and even that sounds pretty high, although there were a few longer conversations.<P>In other words, our demeanor and actions have resulted in changes and recovery, not deep talks and verbal communication.<P>Maybe a few "truths" can help you get through this. The first is that your H, no matter what he says, can not take away your pain. Sure, he can be supportive and his words and actions limit new even greater pain, but the trauma inflicted the situation now has a life of its own. I honestly believe the journey to inner healing is one the betrayer and betrayed go on individually for the most part. You can work on your marriage together, but you really really can not take away each others pain. Taking ownership of that idea can really take the pressure off.<P>Talking more or knowing more, doesn't mean you can control more. The sad unfair truth is you can only control what you do and say, but you can not control what another person, says, does or feels. So even is he talked more or let you talk, it wouldn't necessarily mean you would have any more control over the situation than you do now.<P>You can choose words and actions that would have a greater chance of achieving your goals...which is the whole point of Plan A.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

RCOASTER, I think you and I are twins. I NEED TO TALK and I want answers and results YESTERDAY! I need to know what the other is thinking, or I feel like I am just BEING and wondering if I should be DOING! And when I don't get an answer I like, my mouth let's loose and I end up doing more damage and then regretting my words later after I have calmed down. I am currently working on my anger and trying to remain calm. It is the hardest thing I have had to do, because as I am writing this, I want answers and I want to email my point of view to H, but know that he is too angry to listen to reason and will end up pissing me off even more. I am trying to learn and understand that "By doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity" So I am trying a different action and that is by being. Let H yell, scream, hang up and just BE. Be calm, be rational, be sane! That is all I can do until IF EVER he is really ready to work on our marriage, instead of blame me for everything!