So I just started a new job, both my H and I have been traveling this week. He said that we would talk...see I just found out about the affair this Saturday. So far the conversations this week have been around 5 minutes in length and he is fitting me in between his work meetings. This morning I tried locating him, only to find that he was still in bed at home (hopefully alone) I asked him if we could set a time this evening to talk. I am East Coast time, he west coast he told me he would have to get back to me. I told him that I was willing to drop everything to talk to him tonight and he has to schedule it? I told him that this is a sign that I am not a priority in his life and that I wanted to know a time. He said he would call me back with a time. Am I wrong? Why won't he just make the time? He still has contact with her. This hurts so much and I am so distracted and this is a new job with so much pressure and I am away from home...<P>Help!

{{{{{{{{{{<B>cpickel</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>This is going to take some time...<P>If you put demands(<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>) on your H right away... there is a chance you will be pushing him more towards the OW...<P>Hard as it may be... you need to exercise some patience...<P>While you're waiting for him to contact you...check out more about...<BR>...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...read from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<BR>...check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...<BR>...post... yourself with some <B>specific</B> questions...<P>This is a time for you to "grow" and learn about what to do... and do better...<P><B>Patience</B> is so hard... but your going to need to get some...<BR>...meditate...<BR>...take up yoga...<BR>...redevelop a faith base...<BR>...use you new job as a focal point...<BR>...whatever!<P>If you expect immediate results... you will be terribly disappointed... but... you should learn more about these <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Concepts</A>.<P>You'll get support here...<BR>...never discount that!<P>Jim

Shouldn't he be showing some effort. What is my motivation to spend the next x months/years trying to work through this. He violated us and now he won't even take the time to talk to me? Patients are not my virtue. I am so distracted. I just can't seem to cope. I have talked to someone. But we have been apart and so I just don't get to see that he wants to fix this. He sent me an e-mail professing his love for me and his shame a couple days ago. I need some other sign. Since he works with this OW he sees her more than I see him. I had no choice, when he got on his plane for his business trip instead of working on this, I got on mine. How can he work and sleep? I have gotten no sleep or eaten and I feel like I am chasing him. <P>How do you do plan A when he is making googley eyes with this OW?

cpickel,<P>It's harder then hell to understand, but remember that your husbands perspective on this is not the same as yours. It's not fair, but that the way it is. You are still interested in the marriage and thought things were ok. He lost interest and found someone else that he thinks will make him happy. He's in fantasy land right now and their isn't much you can do or say to change his perspective on things, so as temping as it is to try, don't waste your energy on it. Right now, don't worry about him worry about you. Eat, rest and as hard as it is try not to dwell on it. It's hell, but I am sure that you as others before you will get through this. Don't beat yourself up over this either. If you can take time to learn why affairs happen and what they are all about. Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair is a good one to start with and can be ordered off this site. There's other good ones out their also. The more you can learn about what is happening to you and that the feelings your having are normal, the better you can start to feel.<P>Anyway, hope this helps and much patience to you.

cpickel,<BR>First, you have us to talk to, people with some experience in this shadowland of life. That's a good start! There's lots of support and help and very little judging here.<BR>Although you are under a lot of stress and pressure w/ this new job and the crap of finding out about the affair, perhaps while you two are separated by the miles you can use the time alone to construct a strategy to deal with this crisis. This may give you a handle on things when it does come time to sit down and hash things out with your H. You will have a measure of control and certitude about how you want things to be. Vent your feelings to a trusted, cofidential friend (female!)if you can. Let them know you are venting and need a listening ear, not advice.<BR>Be positive, non-threatening,nonblaming with your H. Negative, clingy, hurtful exchanges will only antagonize him and drive him away. Do let him know you love him, want the repair of your marriage to be a top priority, and that you are ready to discuss things when you both can sit down and talk face to face. Fractured communications over the miles is not conducive to solving anything. Be sweet, be positive, be caring, be supportive. These things may be very hard for you to be, almost impossible, but you can view these loving attitudes as money in the bank later on when it comes to winning him back.<BR>This is not easy advice for you to accept, will be hard to implement, but I think in the long run these things will help. Best wishes!<P>Pilgrim