I made a HUGE mistake.... I felt my marriage was going down the tubes...I was very unhappy.. I felt that my husband took me for granted and did not pay any attention to me.. He made most of the decisions without caring what I thought... It was his way or no way... I was miserable...His best friend was also an ex of mine... His best friends wife was a friend of mine...Our families spent time together... I guess I always had a different friendship with my ex....Over the years he had made passes at me but all were rejected...Till.... I felt so miserable in my marriage and in talking to him, he also said he felt his marriage was over also... So... One thing lead to another, and we started spending time together, I felt good again.. We talked, communicated... Which I hadn't had in a long time with my husband... (Maybe part of that was my fault...)But things progressed and for 3 months we had an affair...I don't know exactly what happened but he eventually told his wife about it which of coarse led to my husband finding out...After it all was out in the open, I realized that I did love my husband, and I felt really bad for what I had done... I swear I will NEVER do it again...I hurt my husband so bad, and I feel badly about that... He is trying to work through his feelings about the whole situation and I know it is extremely hard for him.. I give him alot of credit.. He has his good days and his bad days, but that's to be expected... I wish I knew how to help him.. If anyone has any suggestions...I'm listening...

hughmistake,<P>First, I am sorry that you are here. You will receive messages from many people here. This will include information on how to find what you need here. Read it.<P>In my opinion, you need to understand what has led you to this situation. I know your H had a part in your feelings about the marriage. But what did you do to help the marriage? Eventually, your H is going to come to the trust issue. What helps people regain trust is understanding how this situation could occur and what is being done to prevent if from happening again.<P>I am not trying to be harsh here, but bringing up some possible avenues that your H's throughts may explore. For example you "swear it will never happen again", however, you once swore to remain faithful to your H and it did not happen. These are the things that you H will have to overcome in order to trust and love you again. <P>You can help by understanding yourself. If you can find behavior patterns of yours that might need modification in order to prevent your marriage from getting to this state again, it will help him. He will have his own work to do. The state of your marriage was achieved by lack of effort on both of your parts.<P>The one thing you can do for sure is to be honest with him at all times even if it hurts him and to love him. You can bet his self-esteem is pretty low and so is yours. If you can find ways to help him, it will help you as well. <P>If you read here long enough you will realize you are about to go on a long bumpy journey. It can be successful, but it will be tough. <P>Please listen to the many people who will post here and read the material here. You will have you eyes opened about marriages like you have never had them open before.<P>God Bless You and Your H,<P>JL

Welcome <B>hugemistake</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>We have recently chnaged the format around here recently... we now have 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responss! <P>After reading the General Welcome...<P>Do... get and read the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Do... start immediately on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>Do... post and ask for advice...<BR>...you are not alone... there are a number of waywards on this forum... ask specifically for their help!<P>Jim

Get couceling ...<P>I HIGHLY recomend Steve Harley...he is an expert marriage councelor...<P>Can be found on this site...<P>Prayers for your family...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi there<P>Welcome to M.B. I hope that we can all help you with the situation you find yourself in. I checked out your profile and found no information there, it might be helpful to all of us to know more about you and your situation please either post the info or update your profile so that others comming here to help will be able to get all the back ground information that they need in order to help. <P>I suggest getting a really good councilor to help both you and your husband through this, I am unsure if you are still living together, but if so plan A him to death !!!! Please post more and let us know.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by jendan69 (edited February 02, 2000).]

Hugemistake,<P>Give your h some time to come to grips with this situation. Not only has he lost the ideal of his wife, but also his friend. When there is a friend involved, its like a double whammy. Unfortunately, right now your word that this will never happen again means very little. Read Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair. Look at the time accountability. Let your h know exactly where you are going, who you are going to be with, etc. This really helps me when my h does this for me. Also, it is recommended that you spend 15 hrs/wk together. The more time you spend together, the better off you will be. Get through this crisis time! You will also need to take the Emotional needs questionaire. This will help you both to see where you can improve on your relationship. You can make it through this, but it will take time. My h betrayed me with one of my best friends and it is the most gut wrenching thing I have ever been through.<P>For you, you now need to set up guidelines for you so this never happens again. Do not spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex. If you have to for some reason, immediately tell your h. Do not tell a person of the opposite sex about your marriage problems, he may want to comfort you innocently at first, but this builds a secret relationship that can easily turn into something unplanned. Guard youself! If you feel any attraction to any person RUN!!! It sounds like you do want to save your marriage. Good luck!

hm,<BR>same thing happened to me, so I can give you an idea of how your H feels. After I found out about my W and former friend, I forgave and even allowed contact and still socialized with him because of work contacts. Big mistake, NO CONTACT at all. If you really want this to work w/ your H, you have to give up the OM completely. You've crossed the line between friends and lovers and for most there is no way back w/out complete separation.<BR>Your H is crushed, has zero or very low self esteem now. a) he is a bad husband/lover/person because his W went to another man b) he has no trust in his ability to judge people/friends, after all if his best friend would do this to him, why wouldn't any of his friends do it also. c)he has some feelings that he has to get out to someone, preferably a counseler. I failed to get counseling and managed a horrible Plan A with many Love Busters because I had to keep all my feelings inside. d)he is super depressed (assumption based on my experience) so anti depressants may be helpful. He may have trouble admitting this if he is like most men. I hated that I had to ask my doctor for Prozac and I hate taking them, but I do think they are helping keep a more even keel.<BR>Love him and don't expect much in return unless you direct him to this site/information. The two of you together following Harley's principles will do great. Be happy<BR>Allen