It has been a very depressing day for no reason. I just hate it when that wave of emotions hit and you can't do anything about it. Nothing triggered except something just popped. I sat there in fron of the computer at work trying to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I am so tired of this whole mess. I want it over and my H back home NOW!! I am tired of the roller coasteer I am on. <P>I was actually in more control of my self during the last two months when I hadn't heard from him. Since he has made contact with us all I haven't been in control at all. I am not sure if I am grasping at straws, picking up on every little thing he says. I can't believe that the oh sweetheart and the I love you too were nothing more then an accident and had no meaning. Or is that only because I want it to mean something so much? Can a slip like that have no meaning? <P>I know that I can't rush this but in 47 days it will be one year since discovery. I am tired of living like this. I was never one to have a lot of patients. I know some of you have been at this longer and I admire you for it. I just don't know how you do it. <P>I love him very much and I don't want to be without him, but I only wish I had someway of knowing that things will work out. I guess I just feel like I am wasting my time if they don't. I have always disliked to waste my time on worthless causes and I don't want this to be worthless. <P>I am just running on, wenting. I haven't fel this low in a long time gee at least since Christmas. but like I said since he has staarted contacting us I keep hitting these emotional lows. <P>The future never really bothered me. I always lived for the presentI wouldn't plan that far ahead never wanted to know what life would be like in a month or two or more. Now I want to know the future so much to see what lies ahead for H and me if there is any chance. I guess I want to know if there is or should I start planning a different type of life now.<P>Thanks for letting me vent.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

di,<P>My good friend...<P>I know how you feel...<BR>I am a little over 2 months away from my one year D-day.<P>You know why you're feeling low...<BR>...you had some "ups" because of the contact... and then when there is no period of contact... it brings you down...<P>When there was no contact...<BR>...there was nothing to bring you up...<BR>...so there were no downs!<P>Hang in tough... with me...<P>I know I don't get very many "ups" when I do have contact... in fact I seem to get more "ups" when there is no contact... and "downs" when there is contact... It's the nature of how my W is trying to break my resolve.<P>Patience is <B>hard</B>...<BR>Maybe saying an extra prayer... might help.<P>I'll be saying one for you! <P>Jim

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{di}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>It's ok to vent. It's a hard, hard ride. We all have those bad days.<P>I don't think that the two "slips" didn't mean anything. They try so hard to "guard" their feelings that it's a big deal when something like that comes out. And it DOES say something. <P>Nothing much to say, but hang in there. And we're all here for you.<P>Lori

Thanks Jim for those Prayers. How is you r Dad? Your are right iif there are no ups there are no downs. I guess another problem I am having is that my D may see him. He has called her a few times but she hasn't seen him since July. She is going to the town were we lived to pick up a friend. So if she can get a hold of H she will meet him somewhere. He wants to meet her somewhere so he can see the grandchildren. I guess OW won't let him come toD house while I live with her. She isn't taking the children she want to talk to him first. <P>Lori,<BR>Thanks for the hugs. You want so hard for those slips to means something but at the same time you are so afraid to hope that hard. I know you understand. I have been so thrilled at reading your last post. <P>Thanks both of you for your support. Maybe today will be better at leas it is starting out with the sun shining, yesterday we had a thick cold freezing fog. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Wish I could really help you as I have been married 27 years, 28 this May. So I know how much life you have shared with him. I can certainly feel your pain as I imagine how many memories you are struggling with. Maybe he is coming to his senses? Pride is certainly the proverbial two edged sword. Anyway I truly hope it works out for you.

Diana,<P>Hi, friend!<P>I am sorry that you were down yesterday. I could not get opn-line from home - my server was down.<P>I agree with Jim...the lows are hitting becuase of the recent highs followed by nothing. SIGH!!!!!<P>Like you, I wish this was over for you. But, right now you have so many other things going on in your life - the upcoming move and finally you are starting to get some nibbles for a decent job. Your S will be so much happier some place else, too, and can finally apply for the aid he needs and is entitled to. Also, your D will finally get to see her Dad after 7 months and there definitely needs to be some healing in that relationship. These are all very POSITIVE things happening in your life right now, my Twin Friend!<P>Forgot the marriage for awhile. Focus on all this other stuff that you need to be expending energy on. Enjoy those grandkids while you are still there. Focus on your move and these other things and try your best to not think of your H at all!<P>Hope today is BETTER!!!<P>I love you, friend!!!!!!!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Oh, Diana, hang on, okay? This feeling is only temporary. It will pass. Wish I was nearby to give you a hug. This will have to do for now {{{{{{{{{Diana}}}}}}}}}}}.<P>You're right, it's so much easier when you don't have any contact. But, then you get a little glimmer of hope, and you come crashing down afterwards. Listen to Desiree. Focus on your upcoming move. A new place to live (of your own) and a new job will brighten your outlook.<P>I will email you tonight when I get home from work. Had an interesting meeting yesterday. The jury is still out.