My husband and I have been together 8 1/2 years; married for 3 1/2. Before we were married I had an affair for about 1 year. The person moved, and my husband found out.<P>We bought a house, got married and had a child. It is now 6 1/2 years after the affair, and I find myself communicating with this person. We have never lost touch, just occasional cards.<P>I think I'm in love with person. I have not had any real sexual interest in my husband for sometime. We haven't really kissed in over a year. I saw my previous lover for a short time over New Years; it was like we had never been apart. <P>My husband knows that I have been talking to him and is very hurt by this. I told him I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. We are currently going to counseling; he really wants to work things out. I'm just not sure if I do.<P>Someone, please help!<BR> <P>

Welcome <B>oops</B>...<P>Take heed...<BR><B>STOP SEEING YOUR "previous lover"(OM) RIGHT NOW!</B><P>You will find that if you continue down this road... it will devastate you... your H and <B>YOUR CHILD</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>There is just bit of confusion here at the forum... last week the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Please... do immediately break off from the OM!!!!<P>If you need more information... I recommend you read the book.... <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman... You will find it very enlightening!<P>I prayer for good judgment on your part...<BR>You <B>must</B> make the right decisions to spare everyone the greatest destruction to your lives <B>EVER</B>!!!<P>Jim

Are you able to communicate to your H why you don't feel in love? If he really wants to work this out with you I think that you should try. I wish my H would talk to me about his needs so that I could try to explain mine. <P>You are the only one who can change your behavior. Feelings DO change. You may look back, in the future, only to see what a mess your relationship with the OM turned out to be........and wishing that you had opened your heart to the ones who truly loved you.<P>

Now that we are going to counseling, I'm able to talk more openly to me H about what has been bothering me. Before when I would bring things up, he would blow me off.<BR>An example: About spending excessive amount of money on a hobby. He would say I could out getting drunk! My H is also dealing with anger management issues. He used to yell for no real reason, other than something may not have gone how he wanted it to. He didn't always yell at me, same effect though. He now sees this had an impact on my emotions. When I would bring that up, he would say it was better than the alternative.<BR>I do want to see if this will work, we have a lot of the same interests and have a lot of time and emotions invested in this marriage.<BR>Thank you for your insight and suggestions. I'm open to any that come my way.

oops,<P>I know counseling has started...<BR>...but here's a good site to look at...<A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com" TARGET=_blank>Anger & Stress Management Communication Skills for Marriages and Relationships in Conflict</A>.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

NSR and RC,<P>Thank you. Still going to counseling, going through withdrawls of no contact with OM. I still feel very distant from my H. No physical contact for a month now. H misses the affection, but I feel dirty when he touches me. Trying to work my feelings out and hope that the love will return.<BR>