<BR>Nothing major. I guess just a dip in the roller coaster.<P>I talked to H today. He was going to try to come to the house today to go over the bills. He couldn't make it, and got mad at me about the taxes. We ended up arguing a little. I LB'd a tiny bit but nothing major. Of course, it was major to him. I basically just called him an a$$. <P>One good thing came out of it though. He said the reason he is so angry all of the time is because I found out about the OW. Could this be why he feels like not coming back? Could he be thinking that it would be impossible to work things out after all that's happened? I've told him that it can be ok. What do you think?

As a betrayer, but not knowing your husband, I can venture a guess only:<BR>He is probably feeling guilty as hell! Being found out or confessing is the hardest thing. You know you are no longer trustworthy or deserve the other person. And every LB is a confirmation of that. When my H lb, it just solidifies the idea that he is unable to get over my betrayer or fully move beyond it. It is easier to be angry at you then then let all the guilty, hurt, shameful feelings out. What grounds do we as betrayers have to stand on? We don't, we can't really justify getting angry when you are angry, we Know we deserve it. But it does make the "other" look more desirable. It makes it look easier and less painful and at a time when the betrayer is hating themself, that is a dangerous thought.<P>Just my opinion on it <BR>Cat

Cat,<BR>Thanks for your opinion. I really do appreciate it. <P>I kinda thought the same things about the anger. And the last thing I want to do is let her look better than me. I have promised myself NO MORE LB'S!!! I'm taking tips from lostva. I am going to be a friend to him and make being with me look better. It still is crappy though. <BR>Thanks again,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi - just lurking around. Hey, the best thing is, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Your whole attitude adjusts!!<P>Not saying it's a fun way to spend the day, but it DOES get better!!!<P>Good luck.<P>lori

Lori,<BR>It has gotten easier but there are times when I could just rip his head off! He's just so moody sometimes. But I'm still trying.<P>Thanks for the input!<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>First, I want to say thanks for always being here for me.<P>Now, about your question. I felt that way about H. Remember when I posted for the first time in Dec. 31. I was about to lose it. I always said that I would never have an affair. Much to my surprise, BOMB! It happened. <BR>The night that I posted. I hit my knees and prayed for God to help me. Of course he sent me straight to this site. Then of course you all told me what to do. I done it!<BR>I felt like CRAP!!! That is the only way to say it. I felt that H was never going to understand that I was lonely, hurt, and begging him to love me. (That is what I felt like.) I have never felt so useless in my life. I felt like a peice of trash. I felt I was a lier, cheat, and a tramp. <P>So to answer your question. Yes, I do think that. Just show him how much you care. Tell him that you understand why he had the affair. And that will are willling to give it another go. Tell him you will not hold this against him. Use the affair as your "wake up" call.<P>My H actually told me lastnight that the affair he considered a blessing in disguise. Now how far I took the affair was human nature. But he does realize that I do exist now. Im not a "ghost in this house" anymore. And beleive it or not. He has told me once again how wonderful I was. I thought it would take forever for him to say that. <P>Just hang in there. Your doing a great job. Keep up the good work. As always your in my prayers. <P>God will reunite this family.. Your trying so hard!!<BR>Im proud of ya!!<P>Take Care,<BR>Renee<BR> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img]<BR>

Renee,<BR>Thanks alot for your input. And if we can't be here for each other, who will?? I love this site!<P>I'm hoping that what he feels is guilt. He does have a hard time looking me in the eye. I do love him and took this as MY wake up call. I did take him forgranted. But he was the same way with me. But blaming one or the other won't solve anything. <P>I will see him today or tomorrow and Im praying to God to give me the strength not to push too hard. (I also want the magic words to help him find his way home! LOL) If only that were possible. <P>Thanks for all of the advice!!<BR>Mitzi

Caterpillar, <BR>thank you for an honest interpretation. I struggle every day wondering if H misses me, feels guilty. I think he does, he hasn't seen me more than 4 times because every time he does he wants to come home. He is living with OW and her son, it kills me that ours go without a dad for a boy whos mom broke a marriage up. Do you think if I "were" to meet an OM my H would justify all this, or would he feel my pain, it seems risky I know, but I am lonely too.<P>Mitzy,<BR> Your H admitted he was mad you found out about OW?? My H is angry a lot too. I always wonder why, he left a "leave it to beaver" family for a single mom with an abandoned son and lost his whole family. IT has only been 5 weeks. My post is H left on XMAS day. Have you talked to him since?? You really hit home with me on that anger, now I wonder if this is what the anger is from?? God Bless

Lonelymom,<BR>My h left 2 days before chirstmas because I found out about his OW. He has been at her house since. He's also been angry since. Not just with me but with everyone. Even his mother says that he looks unhappy. <P>I do see him. I see him almost every weekend for a couple of hours. And each time gets a little easier to talk to him without LB'ing. He also left our family (we have 3 sons) for a woman who has 2 children that were taken from her. 2 weeks ago when I saw him, I saw some hope. I posted about it but it's probably on page 2 or 3 by now. If you want to read it I think it was "H was here!" It went really well. If only the good moments were more often.<P>I do think that his anger is out of guilt also. He has a hard time looking me in the eyes. I think that he feels he's not worth much anymore. So, I try to reassure him as often as I can that I do still love him and he can come home any time he wants. But I try to do it in a calm way. I have to fight with my emotions alot because I want to cry every time I see him. But it is getting easier not to. I do cry when he leaves though. I want him to see me as strong and sure and calm. Not weak and whiney. I think it can work or I would give up. (I've thought about that also). <P>Believe me, I know how hard this is for you. It does get easier. That's a promise. Try to focus on you and the kids. Work on being the type of wife he will want to come home to. <P>Prayers to you,<BR>Mitzi

I think that your H is having the same thoughts that my H did. . . he doesn't deserve to be with you and kids because of what he has done. When my H told me this I felt that I would be able to help him but I was too angry at the time and that certainly didn't help things.<P>If you can hold on to your loving feelings for him it will make it easier for him to come back. It is hard for me to say this because I have a reeeeaaally hard time not speaking my mind to my H - yes, I have major problems with the lovebusting but I also know that in the past it did drive him back to her, and I think vice versa - I don't think she much liked his spending time with me and kids....I don't know, I guess I'm just rambling....sorry.<P>I hope Plan A works for you, I guess I didn't follow it closely enough - or maybe I couldn't, now I'm wondering if it's possible again - read my post from today...I always seem to learn things from reading others posts. I'll say it again, what a great place this forum is!

RC,<BR>I am definately angry still and probably will be for a long time. But thank God I have a place like this to vent, and people (friends) here who understand.<P>I'm not very good at plan A yet. I still mess up but I am trying to do better. I try to understand that he does feel guilty and I try to let him know that it's ok. We could just all give up on our marriages but I for one don't want to. Not yet anyway. <P>I'm also going to try to get him to look at this website this weekend. I'm only going to suggest it, not push it.<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>Let me get this straight. He feels angry all the time because you found out about the affair? DUH! You mean he is not happy that you found out that instead of working on your issues like he should have, he ran to another person to escape?<P>I am sure he is very guilty right now, and I hate to say this, but that may not last.<P>The day of my discovery, ex felt so bad, and apoligized over and over. She wanted to go to counseling. She wanted to do anything to make things right. <P>Well that lasted about three days( and probably three phone calls to OM who was just a friend!) She then said she was not sure she wanted to work on things. She justified everything she did based on our problems.<P>I am not saying I did not agree with her, I know there were many things I should have done differently, I am just saying that her quilt was very short lived. If he feels that you neglected him in some way, Iam sure that will come out soon.<P>I don't know what Harley says about this, but if you both can get to counseling while he still feels this way, maybe you can work some issues out.<P>You are in my prayers.

JJ,<BR>So far the guilt has held out for about 6 weeks. And each time we see each other, if it has faded, it comes back. He comes to the house and WE interact with the kids. I'm hoping it stays that way. For a little longer anyway. I just don't see how he can not feel bad after 14 years with me. <P>Yeah, pretty stupid of him to be angry. But that's how he is. Plus he is comfortable taking his anger out on me. I like to think that means that he still has love for me. The opposite of love is not hate, I like to believe it's indifference. <P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

It just keeps getting crappier and crappier! I feel like I did a week after he left. I haven't cried in a while and today was a crying day. This truly sucks. I think I need the frying pan, the 2 x 4 and the magic wand. Throw in a little pixie dust and some magic beans too.<BR>I'm miserable!!<P>Mitzi

{{{{{{{Mitzi}}}}}}}}<P>I don't know if it would make you feel any better but you're not alone in how you feel. Send me an email sometime if you feel like it. I gave my address on the 'new' list.<p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited February 05, 2000).]

Mitzi,<BR>I have read all your posts since the first day and have followed your story. I have an aunt named Mitzi and sorry to say...a yorkie named that too. I agree with the person above who talked about guilt being short lived. My H was so sorry and so sweet and said so many wonderful things after I found out.....then about 3 weeks after...the anger started. And he never changed. In the beginning he said it was all his fault...he would just look at me and get misty eyed. When he left, he wouldn't even talk to me or come by. The girls and I were left to fend for ourselves from April 2 through May 21, when I received the first child support check. At first when he left he would say he still loved me and couldn't understand how I could love a "jerk" like him. Then he became verbally abusive because he knew I would always be waiting for him....knew that if he ever showed up on my doorstep that I would take him back no questions asked. Down hill from that point and hasn't stopped. He is never coming home and said that he has not loved me in more than 3 years and that in fact wanted a divorce way back.....right before I became pregnant with our second daughter.....so my marriage and the past 8 years of my life have been a lie. Most of the time I don't believe it....I know that is not the truth....I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night....But on some days I believe it and cry after the girls go to bed.<P>But keep up on not love busting.....only because then you just get in the habit of treating him nice and you won't get in the habit of saying nasty things about him and letting the children over hear you. That is what I have done all along....Then I will never regret that I might have said something that the girls can "hate" me for in future years. It is very hard...believe me. After what he has done to me and them...it is very hard. But they are not stupid...they have eyes...they have feelings...they know. Let them figure out things on their own, but be there for them when the tough questions come up. I always found that if I told them that sometimes people do things that they don't mean too, but you have to forgive them and keep on loving them because they need you now more than ever.....helped them. That doesn't mean that they believed me...but I certainly didn't say anything demeaning and also didn't try to "fix" their problems and that I was there to listen and understand. Wished I could have done that for H, but I really don't think he would have cared.

Nancy,<BR>I have read so much about you too. Your H is a big jerk right now. (sorry!)<P>Some of what you say does sound like my H. Just about the anger part. But for now, the guilt hasn't gone away. He looks so sad all the time. And he still hugs me when he leaves. And the last time I saw him, he got teary eye when I told him that I loved him and would like for him to come home. And he's been nice every time I've talked to him except for yesterday. He doesn't tell me he loves me, but when I tell him I love him, he either says ok or I know. He also lets me touch him now, which he wouldn't do at first. I'm hoping they are baby steps. Who know?<P>But I'll try until I feel like I can't try anymore. Who knows when that will be.<P>Thanks Nancy,<BR>Mitzi<BR>p.s.I also have a friend who has a dog named Mitzi. It's actually a nickname for me (real name's Melissa). Thanks to my older sister!