I’ve been plugging along with my “find something positive to say today” approach. I don’t think I’ll ever be a hard-core Plan Aer – I have too many issues with some of the philosophy (mostly the part of subrogating your true feelings – in my view, a spouse hiding their inner feelings is what got us in this mess!). I had clients over yesterday who talked about how accommodating my h was (they arrived early while I was out and he entertained them until I got home). I agreed and answered that while I didn’t always remember to tell him, I certainly appreciated him and that I was pretty smart to have snapped him up 21 years ago. I was in a good mood, and probably playing it up a bit too, and I think he was surprised. The rest of the evening was very relaxed and friendly. <P>Tonight I came home to a candlelite dinner (ok , it was spaghetti, pilsbury breadsticks and diet coke in wine glasses but who cares). We’re having the house redecorated so everything’s shoved in the middle of rooms, and the smell of paint is overwhelming, and stuff is hidden under dropclothes. He helped cover/move everything and told me to leave all the heavy stuff for him, and readily agreed to an expensive “wall treatment” the decorators have suggested. <P>He’s been in a great mood the last couple of days I feel like the bodysnatchers have left and I've got my husband back (God, I hope this isn’t leading up to something). <BR>

Sounds like an "aaahhhhh" is in order. Have fun redecorating, sounds like fun. Things sure do seem bright on the ole homestead.<BR>Congrats<BR>Nancy

moira,<P>I'm very glad that this approach has worked for you. I do agree with you about the subjugation of feelings, but I figure that this is where I get to vent. Not always very successful in getting rid of the pain and anger though. Congrats to you!

Good work Moira! It isn't about what is right and wrong (your reservations about whether telling your spouse your feelings)...... I'm sure you've read that conversation before... but it is about "what works and what doesn't work" - because it is the goal that is important (having your husband back). You are on the right track.<P>In my opinion, when you decide that your husband did have an affair, it removes all of the worry about so many things - helps you stay focused on your GOAL, which is paramount to recovery.<P>As far as sharing your feelings with your spouse, as you are being very sensitive to his reactions/what works and what doesn't work, be sure and speak from the "I statements". It is tremendously helpful in expressing your feelings in a non-confrontational way......<P>This takes lots of practice.<P>Lose your "rational" mind, where you are in conflict about what is right and wrong, and go for your goal. <P>As you continue to see small signs of success, it will motivate you to continue on the journey.<P>God bless!<BR>tnt

Moira2,<P>I agree with TnT, it's about what works now, not necessarilly the future. In other words, (I've had to deal with this too) the idea that you will always have to stuff your feelings is not attractive at all, but there is a time. Just because you have "feelings" doesn't mean that they MEAN anything. I would ask you to look at your comment about "hope it isn't leading up to something". Is it possible that that negativity or doubting his actions ( I realize that you have reason to doubt his past behavior) could have contributed to his emotional distance?<BR>As I have learned, the truth is we can't trust our spouse, (I'm the betrayer, btw) and that by acting or assuming that nothing would ever go wrong, may in fact set us up for serious disappointment. I'm not saying we should live in fear that our mate won't be faithful, but expecting the perfect marriage I think hasn't allowed us to express our emotions properly. I know I felt punished many times for telling my W something about myself or feelings that I had, it wasn't a safe environment to express my insecurities or failings.<P>I think you are doing great, keep it up.<P>God be with you,<P>Repenting

GREAT insight, Repenting... <P>Moira, You have also demonstrated that you have the 100% ability to trust...... It is your husband's trustworthiness issue that is your concern. Don't doubt yourself, Moira.<P>Ultimately, his trustworthiness comes from within himself. This you can do nothing about. Keep supporting your goal, and keep your eyes focused.... Don't get sidetracked with trust.<P>tnt