Hello everyone,<P>I have been posting in the "recovery" section but desire more input on this subject. Very brief backround. H had a 6 month internet affair then OW moved across country to NY to be with H and go to school. H went back and forth between women, Using the computer as his main contact with OW. After he finally chose me I made rules....suck as No computer without me present. ( not a big problem since all tose 6 months i was sitting 2 feet away and he was carrying on a affair) NO CONTACT...as far as I know this is being done. But H ahs a cell phone on him at all times for work. So he could be chatting with ehr even now. Plus his job is very Unpredicatable. One dfay home at 6pm the next 8pm. Hard to monitor.<P>Heres the BIG problem. H is building another computer down stairs AWAY from family. He says we will all be down there in teh family room but thats not always going to happen. I fear he will be down there to 'work' on his computer and i will not be able to monitor him. Plus.....he will be down there whenever he needs "his" computer verses mine. How do i keep him here a part of the family? We have been healing VERY slowly and I feel this will cause me a major set back. I should try adn trust him...but I just can't 100%. I'm sure you understand. Help.<P>Confusedwife

Hey Confused Wife,<BR>Your husband is a smart and sneaky man! It is so convenient to have separate computers situated away from each other: privacy is a must for online affairs! And it's true, it is easy with a little care to hide the online affair from the spouse.<BR>You're smart to realize the intent behind the other computer. Be warned, be aware, be vigilant! I speak from experience.....<P>Pilgrim

Try to come to some mutual agreement about the computer. My H did the same thing. Bought a lap top to "search for a new job on-line, while at work. Well not til he ran off to "meet" the on-line other women, did I know he had started the relationship again.<BR>Now he is in another state working, and I don't know if he is still "computing" or not.<BR>The same goes of the OW. We are seperated and a divorce is pending. Beware, I heard many "I never will..." and he did anyway.<BR>If he was here today I would insist on the policy of joint agreement, and there for we could come to some sort of an agreement about "The computer" Trust your instincts.

As some may or may not know, I am the husband of ConfusedWife. I have a lot of information to share and a couple of questions to ask.<P>Firstly, i have no intention of restarting the affair that i had, and no desire to begin another. In the past 6 weeks, i have been focusing on my family, both wife and child; and i have seen the wonderful things i have been destroying for far too long. I know that now my want is to be with wife and family,(even her family members) and i NEVER want to deal with that woman again.<P>Wife and myself have been doing wonderful things at home that have made me feel great about being a part of this house. We have been setting up a home theater/ rec room in the basement, and we both have taken part in the design and decorating. Its been incredible, the 2 of us planning, and butting heads on the design ideas, and the end product is going to be incredible. I am also in the process of building another computer, as ours is a bit outdated, and i want to set up a network in the house for training for my MCSE exams. I see that this has caused her no end of worry, and i really wish to calm her fears, but i dont know how. I do not require the computer to be in the basement, away from family living, but i dont know where else to put it. Perhaps if we could find a way to set things up so our computers were in the same room, that would be better... i am totally willing to do whatever it takes to earn her trust on this.<P>The major problem of the moment is this. The OW called my cell phone tonight after almost 6 weeks of no contact. i made it totally CRYSTAL clear that we were to have mo more contact, however she felt the need to attempt to get some kind of sympathy or advice for all of her family problems. My only concern is for the stbility of my home, for the mental well being of me wife, and for the comfort of my child!! WHY cant she just agree that i cannot talk to her??? This phone call just destroyed the trust that i have been buildiong for the past 6 weeks, and i never dialed a damn digit...<P>All i want to know is how i am supposed to make things better in spite of a setback like this. I need to show my wife beyond a shadow of a doubt that this life i am living is the one i WANT, the one i am living, and the one i will never again turn away from. God, someone has got to be able to help, because i suck pretty bad...<P><P>------------------<BR>I used to be good,<BR>I used to be charming,<BR>I used to be Mighty..<P>Oh How the Mighty Hath Fallen.....<P>

UTBM: I think by your post, you are on the right track. Did you tell your wife immediately that the OW had called your cell phone? Can you change your cell number? Keep doing what your doing, the trust will come as long as you don't mislead or lie to her about anything... I've tried to give my H the benefit of the doubt about many things he's said, but I still can't trust him becasue he continues to lie...As for the computer, work out TOGETHER an agreement that will satisfy both of you. We had ours in the bedroom at first and my H still was able to hide it from me, because I trusted him...Then he moved into another room and because I wanted to trust him again I didn't pry into what he was doing. I guess I let my guard down, and he started the on-line relationship again, but this time ran off to meet the OW. Since the even though he claims he no longer talks to her. He still does not want to come home and be with his family. At least you have realized that is where YOU want to be and that's a good start. Trust in God and because your wife loves you, I'm sure in time...the total trust will come back. "Rome wasn't built in a day" <BR>My best to you both. Keep us in your thoughts that someday I too can be where you are now. Good Luck

Hello,<P>I ahev read my H's reply to this post and started a new post. I agree with your opinions of making a compramise. I'm willing to do this. But H is acting like I'm blowing this out of proportion. HE says I ahev nothing to fear. Well for 6 months i was sitting next to him and he was having a affair. I see this computer downstairs as a private "love nest" and even if its NOT the current OW. its a bad thing to do. He could alwasy fall into another relationship with a new OW. He already knows he puts himself into these situations. HE Saves peopel adn can't draw the line of friendship. I'm so scared. I'm interviewing for jobs now and I will no longer have "free" time to watch him. How will i know he is going to be truthful?<P>Confusedwife

SoonToBeMightyAgain--<P>If your wife agrees, set up the computers in the same area, be that downstairs or upstairs at least until your wife's trust reestablishes. Her worries are very normal, though understandably frustrating for you.<P>If OW calls again, hang up. Period. You've already told her it's over. If you haven't done a no-contact letter to her WITH your wife, that could be a great idea. Block OW's numbers, and do not talk to her under any circumstances. The time for politeness is in the past. You owe her nothing.<P>I think it's great you're willing to do anything possible to make your wife feel more comfortable. Good for you!!

U2BM: The trust will eventually come back, as long as you continue to be honest and committed to your W. Your W if feeling insecure and that is normal. It will take patience & understanding.<P>CF: Go ahead and look for your new job. To tell you the truth, "worrying about not being home so that you can watch your H," is only an illusion. When your H had his affair, you were right there and he still did it, right under your nose. If he wants to do something, he will do it. It doesn't matter whether you are home or not. DO NOT focus on worrying about that. It sounds like your H knows what he wants and he is sincerely trying to prove it to you. Please relax and remember that your H is home with you.<P>As far as the OW goes, it sounds like she is in withdrawal. I'm not surprised that she made contact after a 6 week absence. For example, my H's ex-OW contacted my H after a 9 month absence! Talk about pathetic & stupid!<P>Best thing to do is for both of you to sit down and compose a "No Contact" letter. Then, send it to her. Remember, you owe her nothing. She came into your lives with her eyes wide open. She is not your problem. She made her bed and she can lie in it.<P>Both of you need to be in Plan A. Do the POJA and things for both of you should be fine. Please be patient with each other. You are well on your way to recovery.

I know exactly how you feel Confused. My wife sat a few feet from me on our PC and carried on with men for over a year. Since she didn't know beans about PCs I was the one that loaded new software, put in new modems, etc. And all the while she was using all of that against me. Now she says, 'Oh thats in the past, leave it there'. Yeah right. Trust takes a long time to build and I imagine even longer to rebuild once it has been breached. I had 100% trust in her for 25 years and then she chose, CHOSE, to violate that trust. I know how you feel. I know my wife hates what she did especially since things are so much better for her now and she can't change one thing from the past. She knows what I am thinking about when I get that far away look in my eyes and turn towards her. She knows something has 'triggered' my demons. Nobody wins in this cheating game.

Neveragain,<P>WOW Your words sounds as if they come from my mouth. "demons" as you call tehm often hit me accross the head. During simple times like driving my car....or silent times when i'm showering. The feelings, fears,thoughts and memories of neglect fill me and ATTACK. I can't possible shove these feelings aside forever. H has told OW to leave us alone....but he is polite and kind to her. She no longer gets the point I think. Perhaps a Call from me telling erh "stay away from MY MAN" is in order?? Till now I ahev been a very kind person. Even when H was going to spend the evenings with ehr I let him...what choice did i have? When she called I gave him space to talk and "figure" it out. I ahev been so giving and kind it KILLS me. I'm sick of being a push over. I want ACTION....and results. <P>Confusedwife<BR>PS thank you all for your posts....I can't seem to locate a sample letter of a No contact. Anyone have a idea of how it should go or be worded?

UTBM and CW: First of all I think it is kind of a nice idea that the 2 of you are both using this forum to work on these problems - getting other persons insight can sometimes be a big help - and while working on those communication skills, it is sometimes nice to have a place you can put your words where your SO can see them - it puts a different perspective on things for you both :-).<P>CF: I am going through a similar situation with my W - the only difference being I truly don't feel that I had an "affair" with my online friends - I just found myself spending too much time with them and neglecting my W - she still believes I had too close of a friendship with them (one of them being female) and that it put our marriage in jeopardy - I did not share really personal things aobut our lives with these people - and when I spoke of my wife I ALWAYS reinforced my love feelings for her :-). We are still working on understanding each other.<P>But I am not sure you contacting the OW and saying "stay away from my man" is such a great idea. Your H said in his post that he has no intention of ever communicating with this OW, but you mention that he is still polite and nice to her - if he hasn't cut off contact, by you attacking this OW, you could make him feel sorry for her and allow himself to be "captured" by her again :-(. I don't have any great advice for you besides what it sounds like you are doing - my W is having a hard time seeing me on the computer also - even though I promise her I have no intention of ever starting an affair or anything - trust is a hard thing to earn back again when one of the spouses feel it has been betrayed :-( - I am afraid it will just take time - your H's actions will speak louder than his words.<P>UTBM - if you HONESTLY want to end things with this OW and not have anything to do with her, you should change your cell phone # - no matter what it costs or the problems it might cause. It would show your W you are serious about your marriage. If you don't change the #, then you need to hang up on this OW and in no uncertain terms let her know you are not available for support of any kind - emotional or otherwise.<P>Good luck to you both, and I hope to see you both posting great "falling back in love" stories real soon!!!