One of the things I've had to accept about my H in recent months is that he looks to me to always be strong, and this means that I can NEVER, NEVER, NEVER fall apart or be upset about anything.<P>Last week I had a bit of a work crisis -- mostly in my own head, mostly a replay of childhood sibling rivalry baggage. I got through it quickly, but H was noticeably edgy about it.<P>Right now I am waiting to find out if my stepfather has lung cancer...and because he has been through three levels of tests and all the "good" scenarios are being eliminated, I am trying to prepare myself for the worst. I am trying mightily not to fly off the deep end, but the stress is manifesting in increased fatigue, inability to really do much of anything at home, compulsive talking, and feelings of INSECURITY. H can tell, and while he says, "Just tell me if there's anything I can do," I can tell that he just can't deal with me not being 100% in control of myself. <P>Last night while I was making dinner he was banging around on his E-mail. Gee whiz, I wonder who he was writing to....NOT.<P>Here we go again. Dazed isn't 100% wonderful 100% of the time, and off he goes running to mama Dragon Lady. I can just imagine what would happen if I ever got sick.<P>Then, after dinner, we had an argument about when I get home. He insisted that I never get home until 7 PM, which is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. I usually leave work at 6 and am home by 6:30; and when I'm going to be later, I call. After about ten minutes of "No I don't" "Yes you do", and the jaw getting more and more gritted on his part, I finally capitulated and said "Fine. You're right. I never get home before seven. I will do something about it." I was furious.<P>So...since I'm expected to be 100% together all the time, and when I'm not, he goes running to Dragon Lady for solace, anyone have any good suggestions?

Dazed, <P>When the heck is Dragon Lady going to get her own life? <P>I know you have a strong character and I also know you are a very intelligent lady. I have a feeling your H is suffering from a very low self esteem. He probably knows you are smarter than he is or better at resolving tough situations and so he doesn't even try. You have taken control and he doesn't know how to take it when it's offered to him.<P>All men need to feel that their wives look up to them. Admiration is a very strong need a man's life. Men who are married to strong ladies (and I'm one of them) are vulnerable to being overshadowed by their wives character. <P>Strong women require strong men. I also know a strong woman can make a weak man strong. <P>How do you do at building up his character? Is this an area that maybe Dragon Lady succeeds in? <P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited February 08, 2000).]

No, I think it's more that he relies on me to "take care of things." I'm not in a panic over it, because I do believe it's a knee-jerk reaction to me not being quite myself, rather than any attraction in that department that overwhelms us.<P>But in this respect, he's like a child, and when my world seems unstable, his world seems unstable, and then he runs for the OTHER strong woman in his life to put those roots under him again.<P>As far as whether Dragon Lady builds his character, well, I'll be damned if I know how, and yes, I have seen them together. She has bigger brass balls than I do. She's bossier, and even MORE controlling.<P>And that's the problem. I have to be able to NOT be the strong one 100% of the time and not have to fear the consequences.

Dazed, at least you know what you are up against.<P>My husband totally gains his sense of self worth from other people's opinion. If there is something that my husband can't handle (for instance any kind of conflict or the fact that I am annoyed with something whether in his control or not) he panics, and it results in an outburst on his part. I am not allowed to express my feelings or have problems, or he goes into a tizzy.<P>When you get this figured out, let me know.<P>uggghhh.<P>And, prayers for your stepfather.<BR>TNT

Jill,<BR> I just wanted to let you know I am praying for your stepfather too. I wish I could offer you words of advice on your H, but I can't even manage my own, so I will leave that to the more experianced crowd.<BR> I kind of feel the same way though. I was lucky to only have had a little scare of cancer, and I wonder what would happen if I was really sick. Hopefully they would surprise us and handle it well.<BR>Lora

Dazed,<BR>OK...I'm all set to annoy you.<P>Are you absolutely sure H mailed DL? I know that is your perception...and his factoring his past behavior, this is a rational assumption. But is it true, or are you assuming it is true and acting "as if" it were true?<P>Are you sure your H can't deal with you not being in 100% of yourself?<P>I am sure he admires your strength. I do. But could you be misinterpreting the present situation and jumping to incorrect conclusions?<P>You H probibly does notice you are acting different or stressed...and of course that may influence his own behavior. Could it be though that he wants to help, but feel powerless to do so? I mean I think sometimes our rather clueless H's can have good intentions, but have the emotional skills of a wad of bubblegum. <P>Could it be that he just feels uncomfortable about you being under stress just because he loves you and doesn't want you to be in any kind of distress?<P>My suggestion? Take a breath and really examine if he is running to DL. If he is, then I am 100% wrong...but I am betting I am right.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I have some suggestions for you Dazed.<P>First, read the book “How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together” by Susan Page. <P>Now about that argument last night, you are ABSOLUTELY right and hubby is wrong. Are you enjoying the PRIZE? <P>Remember ADD: Acknowledgement Don’t get Defensive.<BR>He: “You never get home until 7PM”<BR>Dazed: “I wish I could get home earlier. I enjoy the evenings with you.” OR<BR>Dazed: “You’re upset that I’m not home earlier. I’ll try to be home tomorrow by 6:30 PM."<P>Have I thanked you yet for recommending Page’s book? THANK YOU DAZED. Besides Page’s book, the chapters on communication in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by David Burns helped me see the “truth” is my enemy. Never defend the “truth.”<P>IT’S A FACT OF LIFE, your H expects you to be 100% in control and wonderful all the time. It’s not fair, especially right now when you are so stressed. He may be doing the best he can. When I’m worried or stressed, meditation helps me as well as exercise. And it’s okay to fall apart sometimes. <P>"What a long, strange trip it's been...."<BR>Grateful Dead<BR>

Why do you think I capitulated? <P>It seemed more important to him.<P>Last night I got home at 6:28 PM. And showed him my watch.<P>Today we found out my stepdad has cancer. I'm staying calm and taking things one day at a time.

Dazed - I am sorry about your stepfather. <P>May the Lord be with your family and grant you strength and comfort.<P>God Bless,<BR>TNT

I am saddened to hear about your stepfather. My thoughts are with you and your family during this painful time.<P>

Dazed,<P>Back in my what I perceived to be "happier days of marriage" I was just like you. I held everything together and did it all. When I was stressed, H was a mess. Recently H left me to live with OW. And I dont know OW personally but she too is WAY more controlling and I would describe her the same way you describe Dragon Lady. Actually I thought OW was a man with a s*x change when I saw her (only once). <P>I can't explain it, but betrayers seem to run to the opposite of their spouse, or if they complain Spouse is controlling, their new partner is ten times worse.<P>I dont know your whole story, I am kind of assuming DL was an OW of your H's??<P>Also, if he is home before you, why are you cooking dinner?? While he is on the PC? Ask him to help you so you two can spend quality time together. <P>My prayers are with you and your step father. I hope you will get this resolved and won't be dealing with what sounds like something you already dealt with. Try to stay calm and rational and good luck. <P>As for the comment about dinner, my H would never help me, but did comment on my schedule an awful lot.