As I read the different posts here with regard to those of us who are "weathering the storm" or in other words plan A er's,I just wish some of the survivers of plan A could give some tips on how to keep up the charade of normalcy while the betrayer goes about leading a double life?My husband flared at me a few days ago because he said I appear to be in a foul mood.Well,I am not the same person I was pre- affair and I cannot feign cheerfulness and happiness when I am not.I understand he is feeling guilt and remorse and I suppose he cannot handle my pain.What worries me is that if I tried my best to act" normal" (Although I am no great actress),will it send him a message that I am accepting his on-going affair?<BR>It seems there is little guidance on how to walk through this mine field of emotions. A lot of people here are fighting to win their betrayers back and it seems the majority here have already left home to live with OW/M.How many of you are in a situation where the husband is moving back and forth between two women (The best of two worlds scenario?)My husband admits that is causing him a lot of stress but HEY, HE STILL WON'T GIVE HER UP...

N,<P>I was in your situation for quite awhile. My H has been gone for 2 weeks now because he wants a divorce. I can't offer any advice because I think my inability to come to terms with my pain and still try the "facade" of normalcy is what drove him away ultimately. Best of luck to you. <P><P>------------------<BR>Keridwen

I think it remains a mystery (to some of us, anyway); there's been good bit of discussion on the relative merits of Plan A (the "it's to make me a better and more loving person" camp vs. the "he's having his cake and eating it, too" camp) on this board under various postings. As for myself, the EA is only suspected/feared, and I'M a basketcase, so I can't imagine how one maintains a cheerful and loving demeanor when one is actually (currently, no less) being betrayed. My SO even complains that I'm "not the same person." My feeble attempts to explain this (that before, I felt cherished, special, bonded to him, and that now I feel her presence between us, feel that I'm constantly being compared to her and found lacking) aren't fully understood by him, but I understand exactly what you mean. Even if my worst fears (pray God) are never realized, this has been an eye-opening experience and my visits to this board an education in pain and survival. Best of luck to you!!<p>[This message has been edited by quandry (edited February 10, 2000).]

Plan-A is tough yet simple...<BR>Accept the fgact that they will have their cake and eat it...<P>Commit zero <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A><P>Meet what emotional needs you can...and be ever so patient...<P>See my thread on positive thinking...It is my summation of this damn mess...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I have been doing plan A since Oct. my H left the end of July. Plan A consist of cards, notes, and an occasional telephone call from him. Trying to do no love busting. But the biggest thing is to let him know I love him and give him good memories of me. That is all you can do the bad memories make the op look better the good memories of you the kind words the support makes them think of you not the op. That is all you can do. It is not a cure it will not make things better, it won't even stop them from leaving. But what it does is make you look good because you are meeting their needs and they will remember that. If you love bust then it makes it easier for them to continue with the affair. And it makes you feel that you are doing every thing you can. And believe me that is important.<BR><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi, <BR>I started plan A even before finding this site, and before it became "plan A". It felt difficult at the beginning, not because it's hard, but because at then my H was not accepting any deposits from me.<BR>I'm afraid I don't see it as a sign of weakness ( the cake theory) but a sign of strenght. I became aware of the affair - on the week it started - and thought about what I wanted. I wanted my H and my marriage, so I fought for the way that I thought would work the best. I looked back at my marriage, found weak links, did my best to correct the ones that I could, and brought back many of the things that come so easily at the beginning of any relationship or marriage and then as life gets in the way and a stress/responsabilities/setbacks sometimes take second place. <BR>My H's affair went on for 4/5 months, while he was in his fantasy world. SOmetimes what I was doing seemed to be working and things would get better, sometimes it looked like it was getting us nowhere. But I would look at any positive thing happening as a small victory and used it to recharge myself with optimism. I never felt the affair was my fault but I shared responsability over the things that created his vulnerability to it. As the different phases of the affair passed by, I would be getting more and more positive responses, untill things started working out. After working by myself for almost 5 months, I finally had him working with me. There was much to do. Many adjustments, many changes. We are in recovery for a long time now, and our marriage feels and is stronger than even before the affair. We intend to plan A for the rest of our lifes. It's not just a "remedy" for a crisis situation, it's a recipe to keep our marriage strong and as affair-proof as possible.<BR>Hope it answers your question.<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Thanks to all for sharing your thoughts.<BR>Keridwen ,I wish you all the courage and strength as you go through your ordeal.<P>quandry..You still only have suspicions,even if they prove to be true at least you'll have some insight on how to deal with it.<BR>Bill..I wish I can have the selflessness to "accept"the horrible unfairness of this mess.<BR>SDS..It seems your husband has already left ,which in a way could make it easier. I find I am a bag of nerves and am so tense when my H is around,because I just cannot wipe the affair out of my mind.<BR>Kat..You seem to have been in my present situation .It is so encouraging to hear of a success story ,and I am so glad for you.4-5 months of plan A is no easy feat. <BR>