OK so I posted a while ago (earlier today) about a trip I made with my husband to Maui. I came back early because he said that he needed the next few days (we were scheduled to come home Sunday) to think about why he can't give me what I need. I have asked that he tell me once in a while that he loves me, maybe a kiss hello, goodnight. He is impotent right now ( and has been since the start of the EA) so I am not asking for anything else, although he could care less about my needs as it seems. So I really want the marriage to work, however, he is being so mean and indifferent to me. He is cold and hard and picks fights all the time. He told me while we were on vacation (time to spend together) that he wanted us to separate for the remainder of the trip, which ment me flying on the redeye home. Now I sit in our home, he called early this morning to see if I got in OK. His message was hard and cold with no I love you's etc. I am wondering if he will call the OW and revert back. This is a work related vacation, meaning the company has rewarded a set of employees, it is awkward that I left mid week with no explaination. I am concerned that since the OW works with him, although she is not part of the Maui group and his request for time apart, although we spent last week apart (due to business trips) that he is having a hard time facing me? Am I in denial? What makes him so hard. He cried and begged me to come on the trip and now once I was there, with no support he becomes Dr. Jekyl. Not interacting with me, basically we were 2 people sharing a room that may or maynot have known each other. <BR>So there he sits in Maui. I didn't return his call from earlier this morning, should I give him a call? or should I just let him come home and tell me what he has come up with, presuming he has on Sunday? Is it wrong if I do talk to him, to ask him to come home early? What could he need to think about in Maui alone (nice place to do your thinking huh?) that he couldn't/didn't do last week. He told me right before I left the hotel that he really loved me. I didn't respond and walked out. Why is it that I have to get to the point where I am leaving or talking separation (legal) before he reacts. <P>So should I call him?<P>sorry about the lengthy monologue...

he wants time alone to think??<P>fine.<P>give him what he asked for....part of plan A, I think....<P>don't call... <P>give him the time and space he requested, and see what he comes up with on sunday...<P>spoil yourself this weekend, do things that make you feel better, and relish the time spent on YOU and with YOURSELF....<P>see what he says, and plan your next move from there.....also, it might be mean, (but I just took a b!tch test and passed with flying colors,) but, to add to the fun of your special weekend, unplug the phone, or do not accept any incoming calls....give yourself the gift of time and space as well...it may make him wonder about you....<P>((((((((((((Cpickel)))))))))))))))<P>Dylan

Thanks for the responses. I don't think she is on her way. That would be too weird especially since everyone works together. And I can check his voice mail at work, which she said she was going to stop bugging him about coming back to her. But she called him last night and left a weird message. But she hasn't called tonight, so far. I have done the call the hotel and ask for his room and then hang up, but there is no answer. <BR>Being separated like this can't be good. <BR>Any advice on his behavior. So Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde like? One minute he just can't get enough of me the next the site of me seems to repulse him. <BR>

well, during Deut's affair (we both post here and are 4 months into recovery), and for a little while immediately following discovery, I did not know who the heck I was living with....my husband was replaced by spawn of satan....<P>he was mean, said terrible things about how everythign was my fault, that he was justified in having an affair, and that he was surprised he had not done so earlier...i mean, HELLOOOOO???????? can you say take responsibility for your own actions??<P>but the guilt makes them blame us, and act horribly, I believe....it's easier for them that way<P>but, in my case, he did come to his senses, and I believe that the guilt was talking and acting...not really him....<P>he may genuinely need some space right now, and why the heck no give him the benefit of the doubt.....still, take the weekend just for you, and let him worry about you for a change....<P>dylan

How do you let go, I am a fixer....a giver. I have been in crisis mode for the past 3 weeks. If we do A, B and C then we are on our way... any advice on how to let someone take care of you. I really want that...just haven't gotten it for a very long time...<BR>How can he take care of me when he is so self absorbed? He sent me home from Maui...am I reading too much into this? It just doesn't seem to me that he wants this to work...<P>dylan,<P>how did you get through it. I am a hot head. Nice Portuguese temper...?

I bit my tongue ALOT...........and waited patiently.....<P>i was so numb at first that I took it all....<P>I was there for him when he needed me, he got alot of hugs, but got left alone to sort himself out....I was not a good plan-Aer...I too, am a giver, and could not change my nature....still can't..but I have learned, from these wonderful people and wonderful place that I can ask for things....that when I need to be taken cared of, i ask outright now, they cannot read our minds....<P>but I was definately in huge giver mode...it made Deut crazy..i was so patient and nice...it made his guilt ten times worse...he expected a crying, brokendown, screaming b!tch...I gave him a calm, understanding and loving wife...<P>I will direct him to this post, and let him tell you his perceptions of what I did, and how it made him think and how it changed his whole attitude about us, me and his affair... he also stopped working for the bimbo...and everyone associated with her...it helped..it may not be possible for everyone, I understand that, and it really was not that big a deal as he does renovations and could take other work....<P><BR>Dylan