I have some questions and comments about my situation. <P>Yesterday, my wife (the betrayer), asked my children if they would write out an essay about why they love their family and what could be done to make our family more happy. I am afraid that she is going to get an earful from my 15 year old. My wife told them that she is "really trying" to get along better in the family. The day before, I told her that my therapist told me to stop trying. Trying is what people do when they need an excuse for failure. <B>DO NOT TRY, JUST DO.</B><BR>A question for the group is: When she first said this to me the night before, I asked her if she wanted to make our marriage work. (Her exact words to me were: I am trying to make this sham of a marriage work). She replied, "I don't know if I want to. Are you trying to put a time line on my decision?". My question is: Is this an indication that she is coming around? Does it appear that she is leaning toward reconcilliation?<P>Another question for the group is: When you snoop on your betraying spouse, what do you do with the information? Do you confront them with it, or do you just let it stay inside you? I am in Plan A right now and I think that confronting them with any information obtained through snooping would be a major LB. Any comments?

scanman,<P>When out S are serious about moving toward recovery is always a hard thing to figure out.<P>As far as "snooping" info...<BR>...<B>don't confront</B>.<P>I was talking to a friend of a friend (also going through pre-discovery information)... and I told him <B>not</B> to confront. His emotions got the best of him... he confronted her... and it was the all time best LB they had ever had!<P>Best wishes,<P>Jim

scanman - I think we may need more info on your situation. <P>If you feel the need to snoop, it sounds like 1) You strongly suspect your W is having an affair but 2) She hasn't admitted to having one? (If she has, why do you need to snoop? Just take her admission and go on from there.)<P>A couple of points on snooping vrs. Plan A from a past master. If you're in the "pre-disclosure" phase, I'm not sure whether Plan A is really viable anyway. My sense, from reading Dr. H's book as well as people's stories on this forum, is that Plan A can only really work if your spouse has confessed to an affair, so it's out in the open where it can be dealt with, but hasn't given it up yet. This is Dr. H's "classic case" in his book, "Surviving An Affair."<P>In my own case, I did try a "pre-disclosure" Plan A for quite a long time last year. People say Plan A "works" even if it doesn't get your spouse back, because at least it makes you a better person, etc., etc. Anyway, it didn't work, as far as getting my betraying W back.<P>Snooping definitely IS a lovebuster, according to Dr. H. And, I must confess, I was snooping some during my Plan A. But was being careful enough about it that my W didn't know. (Important rule if you DO snoop - don't let your W find out you're doing it.) Well, it seems to me it's an LB only if she does find out.<P>In my case, I did it because I HAD to know. My suspicions were driving me crazy. From her offputting behavior towards me, I was about 70-80% sure she was having an affair, but that wasn't good enough. I snooped until I was 100% certain and then snooped some more until I found out who the guy was. It did actually give me some peace of mind, and a sense of being more in control over the situation.<P>I first found out for certain about 1-1/2 years ago. Even so, I was very reluctant to confront my W. I'd voiced concerns before (not the same thing as confrontation) but she always denied anything was going on. Now I'd caught her in an out-and-out lie. Finally, last Sept. (99), I did confront her. I'm not sure whether or not I regret doing this, because it certainly WAS a major lovebuster and now we're on our way towards splitting.<P>Also, confrontation doesn't guarentee that the betrayer will confess. My W didn't and just continues to deny her affair. (BTW, some authors of books on infidelity recommend confrontation and some advise against it. You have to make up your own mind.)<P>Hope this helps. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

My situation is that I found out about my wife's EA by looking in her purse. She has an eating disorder and at the time, was acting as if she were practicing her addiction. I discovered several kinds of diet pills and laxatives as well as love letters, cards, and a picture of the OM.<P>Wexwill - I am still snooping and even though my wife says that she is clean from the eating disorder and has not contacted the OM (except when he shows up at her work once a week), I found his MCI calling card number with his name on it and his telephone number. I know that this has been given to her recently. I also found some of those over the counter "stay alert" type pills (basically, these are broncho-dialators, which give the user a "speed type" rush), which were not there before. <P>I suppose the reasons for my questions about snooping is that now that I know she is still in contact with the OM, just being much more discrete (If she calls him from our home phone using that calling card, it will not show up on our phone bill) and she is still practicing her addiction even though she denies it more now than ever, what do I do with this information? I can't very well say, "I was looking through your purse the other day and found....", so now I kind of have to just digest this information and realize that she is even deeper in it now than ever before, just being much more careful about getting caught.<P>I wondered what other people did when they found incriminating evidence from snooping.

Scanman<P>I have found the things I uncovered by snooping fall into three different catagories of usefulness.<P>1) To verify the existence of the affair and to determine the depth of involvement.<P>2) Using the info I found to my advantage ie: Found out H likes candles (much to my surprise as he used to refer to them as tragedy makers) so I went out and bought a ton of candles.<P>3) For legal purposes, the things one may uncover can be very useful if the big D ever materializes.<P>Opps, there are actually 4 but the 4th is kinda sneaky. <P>4) Mind games. Well sort of. If I found out the OW bought a certain top or outfit. I would go and buy the exact same one. Next time H came over I'd have it on and I would always know I looked a heck of a lot better than she did in it. Or I'd get her grocery reciepts figure out what she would be cooking for him the next week and them prepare it for him first and when she served it to him he would be sick of it already.<P>The one thing you never want to do is let them know what you know or how you found out.I would drop hints from time to time about this or that. There were times my H looked at me like I was pshycic or something. LOL <P>Fingers Crossed<P>

Fingers Crossed, <P>I think I said this before, but it's still true... I like the way you think!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>If I found out the OW bought a certain top or outfit. I would go and buy the exact same one. Next time H came over I'd have it on and I would always know I looked a heck of a lot better than she did in it. Or I'd get her grocery reciepts figure out what she would be cooking for him the next week and them prepare it for him first and when she served it to him he would be sick of it already.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is basicly what I hope to gain by snooping. I want to use the information to beat her "out of the gate" so to speak. hee hee<P>

Keosha<P>AWWWWW.. What a nice thing for you to say. <P>I always think there must be atleast a few who read about the things I have done and think I'm a total nutcase!<P>It's so nice to have someone undersatnd why some of us do the things we do.<P>I wish you success in finding out TONS of info that will help you in your fight to get your H back where he belongs. That being with you. <P>Fingers Crossed<BR>(who still can't say enough about the value of the OP's garbage)