A recent post revived this question in my mind (posted earlier and didn't get much response). I know that lovebusting, especially when it's on both sides, can cause real problems in a relationship and that feelings of having fallen "out of love" always result from this; I know also that couples can get in a rut and just get so bored and used to each other that the feelings they once had seem to diminish (or even disappear); finally, I know that "in love" infatuation is always a temporary state. But can a couple who was once very much in love really fall totally, permanently OUT of love??? I keep thinking of the Brian White song, "When love is wrong, it dies, and that's the way it goes..." I supposed, but I think I'd prefer to think that love just goes underground and can always be revived...

My answer: Yes.<P>But I will also say that pop songs are no place to get one's philosophy of life.

I agree that love can die permanently, but I feel there is a primary reason for this happening.<P>If a couple was once in love and something caused the love bank balance for their spouse to fall to the "despise" level, there may be so much pain and resentment toward that person that they are not receptive to any deposit attempts made in that account. No matter how much the other person tries, nothing works. Resent can also keep you from trying to make deposits with your spouse and your spouse will eventually stop trying. Or your spouse's bank will also drop to the "despise" level.<P>I feel this is where I am now. My H says that he loves me, I question my bank balance, but I doubt it is in the "Dislike, Despise" range, I also feel very strongly that it is not in the "Romantic Love" range either.<P>I am the betrayed and am having a terrible time with resentment even after 2 years. Very rarely do his efforts result in any significant rise in his bank balance. During my good days I do feel some emotion toward him, but most of the time I do not. If he makes a withdrawal, it is a major withdrawal no matter how small a thing it may be, bringing his balance to zero or less almost instantaneously. <P>Another problem is that memories and associations concerning his affair cause withdrawals, so he could be the perfect husband and lover and still the withdrawals caused by my resentment keep his balance in the negative. <P>I usually hide my true feelings for him which I know goes against the "honesty" rule, but since I feel this is my problem and would only make matters worse I have tried to control it without making it an issue.<P>I am in no way saying I am being fair.

Agree that love CAN die. Mine for my W just (finally) expired about a week or so ago, when I got tired of always being the one to initiate affection (hugs, lap sits, etc.) and getting this kind of "Oh, all right," response from her that I've been getting for much of the past year. I finally decided, OK, if you don't want me to touch you, I won't, because I really don't want to any more anyway. I'm not going to keep trying to love someone who doesn't reciprocate things like affection and kindness.<P>I haven't touched her since and have no plans to. I know this sounds harsh, but it's not NEARLY as harsh as what she's done to me.<P>So, I have now fallen out of love w my betraying W and, frankly, I feel a lot better knowing that she can't hurt me any more the way she used to. So the death of love isn't necessarily a bad thing. (Of course, it doesn't make all the OLD hurt and anger go away, nor the wonderful memories.)<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Boy, Wex!!<BR>That last paragraph really hit me......it is exactly what I have been feeling as well.....I have very little feelings left for X, but the memories and the "what could have been " keep hitting me like a ton of bricks. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

quandry ,<BR>The feeling, as you stated, can go away completely. Yet the decision is always ever present. When we make love a decision then the feeling has a better chance of lasting longer. We have it all wrong, we put more emphasis on the feeling than the decsion.<BR><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Wex, you have really struck a chord.<P>So many betrayers that take their husbands/wives for granted need to realize that their spouses will not ALWAYS be there for them. I think that it's important to understand that you should never think for one moment that your spouse will be there forever for you, it's not a given.<P>

Seems I may be getting a reputation for going<BR>against the crowd.<P>Yet, I very strongly do not believe that true<BR>love can ever die - ever. Once there is an<BR>emotional attachment to someone well above the threshold of true love, that love remains in a permanent place in both parties hearts.<P>However, true love can be buried, and very deeply such that it can no longer be felt until that which covers it has been removed. In many of our cases that cover or dirt is an affair. For the betrayed spouse the cover eventually becomes resentment or lack of trust.<P>It is our choice whether to really want to unearth the love. And, even after making the choice it can take time, but it is very doable - happens every day.<P>Love never dies, it just gets buried -- dig it up.<P>SamH

Even Harley says that Romantic Love can be lost due to love withdrawals. I feel "true love" can too. I feel we all have the ability to let that love grow and with the memory of our previous love with that person the results could be very quick. Resentment, pain and lack of trust keeps us from letting that happen. I feel I am working very hard (semi-consciously) to keep from falling in love with my H again out of fear and lack of trust.<P>I feel the level of love you had before is a factor, the length of time the love bank was overdrawn and the extent of the negative balance. I feel that an extremely overdrawn account takes more effort on both parties part in order to allow for any deposits to be made and registered.<P>The level of love I had for my H before the affair was stable, but low. My emotional attachment to the marriage didn't go much beyond security and responsibility for many years before his affair (yes I realize that is a big factor in his affiar, very complicated two sided situation). To put it plainly, we had a 13 year history of resentment and unfulfilled needs to deal with before he had his affair.<P>I don't have those "man, I can remember when I was so in love with you feeling", because I don't. That makes it very hard for me now.<P>I feel I am having to start a brand new relationship with someone I don't respect, don't trust and who has already hurt me. It is not a matter of rekindling an old love.<P>Harley says that you will fall in love with the person that satisfies your emotional needs. That should include a formerly betraying spouse.

<B>YES!!!</B>

Yeah, it seems that you can.<P>I can feel the physical absence of my XW's love and can even tell you the day it happened.<P>I know first hand that love can fade, as mine is doing now...<P>...though I believe that the embers could be fanned and become a flame again with some new 'wood'...<P>...man, does that ever suck.<P><P>------------------<BR>"Remember that every now and then you need to stop and eat the roses."<BR>-Bill The Cat