Hi friends,<P>Well it happened. My oldest daughter (8) wanted to go spend the night at H's with OW. I was so heartbroken. I almost felt betrayed by her, that just shows how poor my state of mind is right now. My middle daughter (6) wanted no part in OW and still doesn't.<P>As far as I know, daughter had a wonderful time. The first thing she blurted out when she walked in the door was MOM OW is really nice. I almost died. H was standing right there and quickly changed the subject. He must have spent over $150 this weekend on all the gifts he bought, dinner yesterday, bowling and then some. OW has given my kids gifts as well. <P>OK I know, I know. I should be happy it went well for my daughter's sake. I know. It could be worse, H could have abandon the kids and me. Honestly, I wish he did. OW was in the car both times when he came to get my oldest. I peeked through the blinds and saw her get out and glare at the house. H doesn't see or doesn't care but she is really going out of her way to torment me also.<P>If you haven't followed my story, know that H withheld child support for weeks and stold $4k in tax money so I can't afford to buy anything for the kids and now he looks like a hero. <P>This has all come about after 6 weeks. I can't believe it. Six weeks ago, I was putting presents under the tree, baking cookies, happily married (for what I thought was the rest of my life). Yes we had problems, the most perfect couples do. We didn't have trouble til November and now I know why. He was opening up to another woman. <P>God help me tonite. I can't even bring myself to talk to my daughter. She doesn't know how I feel, but I fear she might catch on. I didn't ask where she went, if daddy and OW kissed, where she slept, I know some other woman, OW friend, bought her gifts too? What is it xmas all over again??<P>Is this normal? Why am I feeling hurt by my own daughter? This is killing me, I can't even type I am balling so bad. This hurts so bad. I had a rough night last night because of all this also. <P>Is it too soon to judge this visit? In my mind I secretly hoped that it would go terrible so I could get out of dealing with this. Please be kind in your replies, I can't take any more hurt today. <P>Who of you exposed your kids to OP and how soon. Why does it feel like I am getting the worst out of every aspect of this situation. My H left,(some stay) he lives with OW (some live with family , he exposed the kids to OW (some refuse), he abandon on xmas (some stick around at least for kids, he cut off child support (some pay), he tells me he loves me and always will (some don't), he can't look me in the eyes. <P>Well I have taken enough space today. Thanks in advance to all who reply. <P>Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>Oh.... {{{{{{{{{{<B>Dana</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I too know this hurt <B>all</B> to well...<BR>All of my prayers go out to you now...<P>My W was stuffing.... down the throats of my kids... the OM as my kids "New Man in their lives" within a month of discovery...<P>I got a temporary reprieve (restraining order for no overnights with the OM) from June 99 - Jan 2000 and then it was lifted by the courts.<P>When the restraining order was lifted...<BR>...I was devastated again... almost hurt as much as discovery... and her(my W's) filing for divorce.<P>Unfortunately... in the long run there is little you can do. Your children will be exposed to the OP no matter what.<P>All you can do is talk to your kids in the most loving manner. Have them love their dad... will their whole heart.<P>I am very open with my kids and our faith and our religion is <B>very</B> important to me. I tell my kids to separate the sin from the sinner. A hard thing to do... but I do think all by kids (even the yougest...8yo girl) have been able to do it. They love their mom a lot. They haven't learned to "love" the OM... since my oldest (17yo boy) keeps on telling the younger 2 his real feelings... and they aren't good ones for the OM. My oldest son understands right from wrong... He might be more into the "unforgiving" spirit.<P>I don't know if you can...<BR>...but I'd try to convince your H to slow down the contact with the kids.<P>It <B>is</B> detrimental to their upbringing... you'll find so many "experts" who know that as fact... but <B>so very unfortunately</B> you'll will find little help from the courts.<P>My prayers are really with you today... and for so many days to come... <P>Do feel free to vent!<BR>It is a very healthy outlet.<P>Jim

It's not a good idea for them to know the OP at this point. Tell your H if he wants to see the kids. it'll have to be without the OW around. Personally, my kids do not want to meet him & I absolutely will not let them until/if a dovrce is final!<P>Looks like your H is going to be a "Disneyland father." Your kids aren't stupid. They know who is taking care of them & who is trying to "buy" their love. You be the strong one who shows real love (which includes doing all the normal, mundane, day-to-day stuff with/for them). In 10 years, you are going to be the one they look to for guidance.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

lonelymom,<P>My heart goes out to you. Your feelings are perfectly normal. It does feel like a betrayal. My sons can't stand the OW, but they are forced to see her anyway. It is way too soon for your daughters to visit her. I too have thought it would be easier if they would completely abandon us. I have almost been jealous of the kids sometimes because their Dad still loves them and not me. That shows you how much this pain can affect us. It will get easier with time, but the pain never goes away.<P>AD

<B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dana}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. This post left me speechless. It's as if I felt your pain when I read it. I will say a prayer for you tonight. God Bless you!!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited February 13, 2000).]

lonelymom, <BR>I too have gone through your pain. My x was bound and determined to jam om down our kids throats. I fought my x in trying to prevent this, but was unable too.<P>I too suffered when my 9 yo son came home and told me om was okay and that he was like a big kid and even had a nickname for my son.<P>My daughter (12) hasn't said too much although she seems intrigued by his sports car.<P>I've tried not to say anything or show any emotion when they do talk about him. I want the kids to know that they can talk to me about anything. I don't want them to have to stop and think about whether something will hurt me or not. That can only lead to further problems later on in life.<P><BR>My counselor told me to look at the worst case scenario(which in my case did turn out) that suppose we did divorce and my spouse did marry om. Wouldn't I feel better that om was a nice guy instead of a mean guy.<P>Somebody else posted, and I agree, your kids know who their mother is. The ow is not going to take your place. Right now your h like my x is the disneyland parent. They don't know what else to do with them. They can't very well take them where somebody would know them. My x takes the kids shopping every weekend, and I mean every weekend she has them. How much fun can that be now.<P>The kids are also starting to resist going up there. They are not comfortable around om. In fact the last 2 weekends my x had the kids, my daughter spent one night out of two at a friend of hers. She is only spending about half the time with her mother. My son is too young yet to have that many sleep over friends.<P>As to "damage" to the kids, I too am worried about that. My and my kids counselors both told me that the best preventative medicine for the kids to have two loving parents and not putting the kids in the middle.<P>Another example is a friend of mine who was divorced about 15 yrs ago and fought and won custody for his kids. After 5 yrs they went to stay with their mother. Last spring his oldest son chose to come and live with him through the summer, fall and winter because he was having troubles with his mother about not knowing what to do with his life, and she was pressuring him. He finally decided on his own to join the Marines. While his father was sad, he was happy he came to him when he did have a major. He did not go to his mother and her husband(he was the om in their relationship)when he had a life decision to make even though his mother waqs originally the Disneyland parent. He went to his father who he knew was a stable honest hard working person who he knew he could trust and depend upon.<P>I know what you are facing is tough. But you can survive it. You have to trust in the Lord and your children. You have taught them right from wrong and they will be able to see that this is not right. The fact is they still love their father and will not reject them unless he does something terrible. If you try to show them what he is doing is wrong they may turn against you.<P>Just keep loving them and accepting them as you always have.<P>God Bless<P>Bob

I know the pain your talking about. When my son had to visit X & OW the first time, OW had the gall to say "thank you for taking care of ‘son’ for us all these years"! It hurts like hell. They gave him a big “welcome home” party and acted like he was their’s to keep. <P>You will get past the pain. H will do all he can to justify his choice to his children. OW will be right there giving all the support she can muster. It was always hard for me when my son came home telling stories about how his father did so much for him. Now that my son is old enough to go live with or near his father, he doesn’t want anything to do with him. He sees the manipulation and resents the damage done. <P>Your children will see thru it, maybe not now while it is happening, but later they will understand. They will respect you for who you are and they will loose respect for him for the way he tries to manipulate them. If your H was smart he would just try to be their dad and not try to force OW into the childrens lives. He wouldn’t try to compete for the childrens love, it only causes him to loose their love in the long run.<P>

My heart goes out to you. I have been there and I understand your feelings of betrayal.<P>The OW was on her best behavior to impress not only your D , but your H as well. You would have felt hurt either way. If your D had an awful time, your heart would have been broken for her. It's a no-win situation.<P>Please try to be happy for your D. Daddy may have spent a small fortune on her, but she has been through a rough time too and deserves some pampering. <P>You are the mom and that is something that she can never take from you. Material possessions can't compete with the bond that the 2 of you share.<P>Others say that it is too soon for the children to see the OW. That may very well be true, but your D has now been there and done that. If you try to stop it now, it may backfire. Your D won't understand and then you'll just look like you are being mean.<P>Again, my heart goes out to you. Hang in there. I'm sorry to say this, but this is just the beginning. I hope you find the <BR>strength to handle this with grace. <P>Lynn

My H didn't let the four youngest children know in advance that they were going to meet the OW. He introduced her as "a friend from work" - a lie, since she didn't work with him. He should have known that even if they didn't figure it out, their older sisters would.<P>The second time he introduced them, he led me to believe that he was going to be seeing the kids at our house. I left for about less than an hour - when I got back he had gotten all the kids dressed and was gone - quite an impressive feat for someone who rarely participated in getting the kids ready to go anywhere.<P>My H's OW gave the kids gifts as well. It is almost worse when they get to the point that the kids are an annoyance to them - because then the H starts taking it out on the kids as well, criticizing them and seeing less and less of them.

I agree with everything that has been said. My daughter, age 16, was exposed to the OW 6 wks. after the divorce, although she had known about her for almost a yr. I was quite jealous in the beginning, but the important thing is that a relationship be maintained between spouse and child if that is what they both want. However, they have to work it out between themselves. My daughter does not like the girlfriend and would like to spend some time alone with her dad, but that happens very rarely. I can only support her and be there as her mother. I wish he could understand the pain and heartache this affair has caused all his children, not just his daughter, but he is not at the stage where he can relate to anything concerning family. My children love me and I know now tht I can never be replaced by anyone else in their eyes, and they know I love them. That's the most important thing.