Hi everyone....I've been reading here for some time but havent seen anything like my problem and it may be completely counter to the purpose of this board. But there is a lot of wisdom here....so here goes.....My W and I have been married for 11 years and have 2 younguns 10 and 8. I am 46 and she is 37. I have developed a medical problem (serious, but not life threatening, unfortuneatly) that has rendered me impotent. There appears to be no hope for any improvement.<BR> I just dont know what to do because W has always liked sex very much and it seems too much to ask for her to just give it up.....She's a young woman. She says she doesnt mind, that she heard the "better or worse" part of the vows and will stay with me regardless.<BR> I just think it's too much to ask for her to spend the rest of her life like this. I love her too much.<BR> I've encouraged her to find a boyfriend but she flat refuses. Do I start acting so ugly towards her that she leaves, or preferably, tells me to get out?<BR> It would be super difficult for me to do that because I love her so....but Im physically unable to be her husband anymore.<BR> Please ignore this if it is too off the wall, but any thoughts you all have would be appreciated.<P><BR> Thanks<BR> Bill<P>------------------<BR>

Originally posted by Xman:<BR><B>She says she doesnt mind, that she heard the "better or worse" part of the vows and will stay with me regardless.</B><BR>So far so good!<P><B>I've encouraged her to find a boyfriend but she flat refuses. Do I start acting so ugly towards her that she leaves, or preferably, tells me to get out?</B><BR>Wow! That's what I call real love!<P><B>but Im physically unable to be her husband anymore.</B><BR>So sexual intercourse is the only thing that makes a husband?<P>I can't imagine having your problem but I'll give this a shot anyway.<BR>So you're impotent. Why does that mean the end of your marriage? Don't you think your Wife has a say ion this matter too? There are plenty of other ways for you to satisfy her. Perhaps you should speak with a sex therapist. Your situation is not all that unusual to them.<P>Talk to your Wife. Let her know how you are feeling.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Welcome <B>name</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>But first... about your post.<BR>Chris is right here... a sex therapist will help greatly... and if need be make a recommendation to an appropriate specialist.<P>Being a man/husband is so much more... <P>Ok... the general welcome post has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Jim

Bill,<BR>I agree with Chris. You should let your wife know how you feel about your situation. Sounds to me like she really loves you. <P>As a woman, I can tell you that what I love most about my husband has little to do with sex and more to do with knowing he is there for me when I need someone to talk to, when I need someone to laugh with, someone to hold me or just someone to sit quietly with. Just as you probably do with your wife.<P>Your health problem may or may not be temporary and I realize that it must be hard for you to deal with, but please trust in your wife's love for you and give her the benefit of the doubt. I can almost guarantee that sex is not what she loves most about you.<P>My prayers are with you both.<P>Janice

Ok, I guess I'm the harda$$ on this one. <P>It sounds like you want to run your wife off so <B> you'll </B> feel better. <P>Do you think she married you for whats in your pants? I don't think so! <P>A woman can find a man ready and willing to drop his pants anywhere, anytime. Why do you think she picked you out of all the willing men? <P>My guess is because you can communicate with her. I'll take a man that can talk and listen over a man who's talented in bed any day of the week!<P>And it sounds like your wife would too. <P>Quit trying to run her off and enjoy the love you share with each other. <P>If it's extremely important to you to satisfy her sexually, then get some books or go to a doctor to learn how. I have a friend who's H is paralized from the waist down and they have a very satisifying sex life. It's possible if you want it to be.<P>Keo <P>

I'm with Keo on this one. You sound like you love your W very much. I think you should trust in her love for you. Please do not try to make her leave, your children need both of you...take their reactions to the situation into consideration. <P>Most women do enjoy the sexual part of marriage, very much, but it is not necessarily the most important to us. Keep on talking with your wife, but don't try to push her away.

Hi Bill,<P>Millions of men have some degree of erectile dysfunction. So you are far from alone and there is lot of information about it.<P>A husband to so much more than sex and sex is so much more than the insertion of an erect penis. <P>A sex therapist is an excellent idea. There are lots of possibilities left for you.<P>Take care.

Don't give up hope. Sounds like your W is a strong woman. As far as satisfying her, I'm going to assume that your tounge still works and you haven't lost all your fingers in a bizzare phone dialing accident. Try the sex therapist angle. Read books like The Tao Of Love And Sex (check the bibliography for a list of excellent references). Go to a Adult Store with her and try some things. Start with romantic stuff, not the 12" black dildo with the twirly thing on the end that looks like a break dancer. Lotions, feathers, whips cream. There is so much of the erotic that you can still explore together that will take a lifetime to experiment.<P>So I'm going to suggest something kinda' radical. This is only for the future, not before the two of you get a little more used to this. Is your wife curious of other women? Or you of other men? I know of a couple who have a similarish challenge in thier marriage, and they find that a third person is what works for them every now and again. I've talked at length with them about this and they find that it works for them as long as the extra person is only around both of them at the same time. To them, sharing the experience makes it an addition to their lives rather than a detriment. It's not for me (multiple partners at once gets difficult to work out the emotions), but if it's something that your relationship is strong enough for, maybe try talking about it. But first, ask yourself is this something that will make you happy as well?<P>Your wife is not just your sex partner. She is your friend. Love her as best you can, give her all that you would want in a reversed situation. Would you leave her if she was not able to have sex? If you would, then your a **** and she deserves better. If not, then why believe for a moment that she is not willing to explore the options in life and love you as much as you would her?<P>Time. Give it time. I know that we men are taught that the measure of our worth is a mix of the two bulges in our pants (penis & wallet). The truth is, it's in our measure of humanity as expresed through spitiuality as you see it.<P>Best of luck my friend.<P>------------------<BR>"Remember that every now and then you need to stop and eat the roses."<BR>-Bill The Cat

xman there are many ways to make love withoutpenile penetration of the vagina and have a very enjoyable sex life. I recommend that you see a ses therapist to teach you and your wife how to make love successfully. See also a urologist to see if you would be a good candidate for a penile implant. This should be the last resort if everything else fails. Best wishes

Hello Mr.Man,<P>Sorry I refuse to call you by the user name you have chosen.<P>Does a hard penis make someone a man ? NO, I have a son, when he was a baby his penis would become errect. Did that make him a man ? No it made him a 2 month old baby who was most likely going to urinate on me !<P>And I'm sorry but trying to make your wife leave you by being ugly to her is emotional abuse IMNSHO. You say you have talked to her about finding a boyfriend, if my h said that to me I would be very insulted that he had so little faith in my love for him.<P>There is so much more to making love than penatration ! There are medications that can help, as well as procedures.<P>In the mean time try other methods of pleasing your wife, experament, buy some "toys" if she is agreeable to trying them.<P>And for crying out loud TALK to her, tell her your fears and thoughts.<P>You are a lucky man. Don't throw your marriage away over this. It's not her fault, it's not your fault. It is something that happens. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Geez, everybody, thanks so much for your comments and suggestions. I feel much better already. You guys are great.<BR>Keosha,<BR> You said almost the same exact thing that W did, but I didnt believe her. Figured she was just trying to make me feel better. Maybe it IS possible for a woman to feel like that.....sure hope so....thanks<BR> Well, I at least have decided to slow down and not go off half cocked (oops, no pun intended) I'll never know what I did to deserve a gal like her....and friends like you guys! Thanks again and you're all in my prayers that your situations turn out like you want.<BR> Warmest regards,<BR> Bill

<BR>Xman,<P>The problem here is that you are judging your own manhood by your ability to get an erection. You should judge your manhood by your ability to conduct yourself well in your relationship with your lovely wife. You both love each other, and what you are facing in erectile dysfunction is very, very treatable, I'd bet. Go see a urologist, and get help.<P>The nickel tour of treatments are (pardon the graphic description), vaccuum pumps, c*ck rings, injections into the p*nis, and Viagra. <BR>Injections may not sound like your cup of tea, but the fact is, they work almost all of the time. Viagra works very well, too, but I'd bet you knew that.<P>There also may be hormonal reasons (e.g., low testosterone) that are causing your problem, and a good doctor will check those, too. Penile implants should be used only as a last resort, because they are irreversible. <P>What you should NOT do:<P>(1) Do NOT ignore this problem. Treat it for what it is: a couple's problem that you want to work *with your wife* to solve. Do NOT let your wife conclude that your ED is a rejection of her (this is an EXTREMELY common reaction by women - "Maybe I'm not attractive enough for him anymore," and stuff like that).<P>(2) Do NOT try and make your wife want to leave you. You'd be throwing away something wonderful because of an easily-solved problem. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!!<P>Good luck,<P>Bystander<BR>