So the saga continues...and today it stops. My H came back from Maui a day early. I called the hotel and learned that he had checked out. I did the math and figured he was on the red eye that I had flown home on earlier in the week. Suffice to say...he did come in, but went straight to the OW, who he said he had cut off all contact with. I learned about this, after calling the parking garage and confirming he picked up the truck, then driving by his work and then finally calling the OW. <P>When I got home I went straight to my folks house where my dad was a wonderful comfort. He was bringing back to my house to get a few things and low and behold my H was parked in the driveway. We talked for about an hour. He said he wanted to be alone and was going to a hotel. I told him that being apart is not the answer. He said that he had to set things right with the OW because she kept calling him. I don't know how she kept calling him, I was deleting all his messages on his work # and she was told by him that I am listening to the cell phone messages. Since this, all passwords have been changed. But whatever...<BR>He dropped me off at my folks house and said he would call when he got settled in the hotel. He did call and oddly enough when I called him this morning, after much contemplation, there was no answer. Hotel or cell phone. I had some errands to run and I just so happen to run by the hotel he was staying at, and he was not there. Nor is he at work. It has been 4 hours since I phoned and left a message asking if he wanted to go to breakfast. <P>The odd thing about all of this is that sometime last night he came by our house (I was staying at my parents) and he brought me 2 dozen roses...<BR>Why would he do this and then go sleep with her? I need off this rollercoaster. I love the man with all my heart, but by God I married him and I am a very loyal person, my two closest friends (aside from my H) I have had for over 25 years...<BR>I am really sad...very very very sad...My self worth is at risk and I can not wait for him to end this affair. He sends so many mixed messages. He begs to come home, ends it with her then takes me to Maui, then sends me home, then comes back early to surprise me after a quick stop by her place and then when we were driving to my folks house he tells me that it was never about me or her...it's him...(no dah!) he starts talking about the kind of car I should drive and flirting with me...I was wearing a hat and he wanted to fix the brim. When he dropped me off, he gave me a huge tight hug...then the roses appear...but he is MIA. <BR>I am not a saint...I should not have to beg for him to come home...<BR>Anyone know any good sights to proceed with divorce...<BR>is this normal behavior...it's going on 4 weeks I have been on this rollercoaster...and i start a new job tomorrow...what to do what to do....

Hi c,<P>It is normal to think of divorce so sudden, we all do. When you are ready I found a site called divorce.net that lets you go further in by state. I don't recommend going to it now. You have so much on your mind, you need time to think and clear it out.<P>If your H is staying at a motel, why are you not staying at home?? At least he is not staying at the OW house. This can give him some time to think. (i hope anyway).<P>Don't jump to conclusions on your part just yet. You need some time to process all this grief. I know, easier said than done, especially coming from one who is in serious grief right now.<P>You will be in my prayers.<BR>

Lonelymom,<P>Thank you so much for replying. I can't stay home. My H and I have lived all over the world and have so many pictures and memories. I think the hotel is just a cover for him. He still has not called me back. <P>I guess I need some more advice. Why not think of divorce...he is willing to risk everything...this is not me...I am not the one having the affair. I am the one stuck paying the bills, living with the memories. We had a plan...we just built this house...we had such big plans...the weekend before I discovered what was happening he and I went and designed our backyard and picked out furniture...i can't live with his double life...why is he making me share him? making me beg for his love? I am his wife and I have been married to him for 6 1/2 years...ironically we met this week. Why drop off roses...what is going on? why should I have to put up with this? I married him for better or worse, til death do us part...he is not doing his part in what seems to be the worse thing that has ever happened to me.... my life is on hold. Do i buy the curtains, paint the room...why should I he is off with the OW...while I am trying to keep it together....if this is what he wants...why not let him have it....?<P>I guess I do need some help...I am going to a counselor next week. I just never in a million years saw this coming or believed I would be one of the statistics...we doted on each other so much...and now he won't even be in the same room as me and his answer to everything is i don't know...<P>well then who does!!!!!!?

Hey Chris, Calm Down! I know what you mean, I decide to give H to OW then I decide to keep him. Change my mind so often I get dizzy. <P>Don't do anything when your mad. Think about it and decide if you want to save the marriage or not. Think for awhile, don't make a snap decision. <P>email me if you want to.<P>Keo

Stay strong...<P>Be good to yourself...<P>Tell him you love him but don't like him very much..<P>Ask him what he is going to do to make things right...<P>Pack some of your things into some boxes in your house and let them sit (he'll see that your not bluffing or willing to be trod upon)...<P>DON'T proceed with a divorce. A little time can do amazing things...<P>Send him a copy of Dr H's book with some passages hightlighted (ie- no contact with the OW & why). Only a few to give pointers not a lecture...<P>Love yourself first right now. There is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who doesn't come apart at the seams, and you'll survive with a smile...<P>Do something you have never done before but have always wanted to. Something that takes courage, not money...<P>Keep talking to your friends who listen more than talk...<P>... stay in love.<P>------------------<BR>"Remember that every now and then you need to stop and eat the roses."<BR>-Bill The Cat

Thanks for all your responses. Oddly enough right after I sent that, I started working on something in the kitchen and he came home a wreck. This time the begging for forgiveness and to come home was different. I can't explain it, but I felt it was sincere...not like the other times. he was hysterical, i have no idea how he drove. he said that he was out driving all night and morning and not with the OW. He said that he got caught up in his job and money (making it) that she was someone who understood what he did and she doted on him, made him feel good about himself and she understood the technical aspects since they work together. He said that he was never attracted to her and while he called her all the time at all times of the day and night and holidays it was nothing other than wanting to talk about work. he was obsessed. but that he realized that no amount of work sucess or money could replace what we have/had. <BR>the problem that i have is, i believe that there was no physical relationship and that he did become obsessed...he has been a workaholic for years...but taking up with her, talking to her, spending so many hours with her calling her at 5 am in the morning, on XMAS, at 11:00 pm at night and having a pet name for each other "baby" sickens me. What he has put me through these past months, sending me home from Hawaii. How can I get past this. He swears he will make it up to me the rest of his life, he will go to counseling, he is going to get another job, has an interview tonight....<BR>am i crazy...he called another woman a pet name and gave her all the time and affection (sex or not) that should have been for me these past 6 months... and now my life has been hell thinking that all i had was a workaholic husband...<BR>i have read all the books, but i just don't know if i can forget how easily he fell into this trap. How do I know he won't again? Will changing jobs really change this? How could he not think at the time what he was doing was wrong, he started physically deteriorating with guilt and he called her "baby" and has called me that a couple of time lately (even last night) he has never called me that! Any suggestions...I guess I should be happy he is back home...but should I really be?

hey sweetie!!!!<P>breathe...........<P>now, you say you 'feel' he is sincere.....ok, start with that....<P>he is not only willing to change jobs, but is actually actively seeking another?.....good.<P>take him up on the counselling offer...and everything you have posted here, say there....<P>for now, my best advice is still to take care of you....what he has done, and put you through, many here can commiserate with....only you can decide what YOU want...<P>so far, I say you have a good direction to go in...<P>listen to yourself....give yourself a big hug....make a counselling appointment, smell those 2 dozen roses, and breathe...........<P><BR>Dylan