My H filed for a divorce 2 weeks ago, I've received my papers and I've had a meeting with my lawyer. How do I let go when I still love him so very, very much? I'm still living in our house with all his things here and sleeping in our bed. <P>I feel just empty inside, like I am missing something--him. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and we had made plans several months ago to do something very special and now...its just me by myself. I have a gut instinct that he's been seeing his ex-wife again. He told me last week he stays at her house the evenings he has visitation of his kids. <P>How do I let go? I've tried by myself and I am in therapy but still can't let go of 7 years of intense love I've had for th is man. Any suggestions???

Kimber,<P>How tempting it is ......<P>Stats will show that your marriage really had little chance from the start. <P>It is important that you understand the part you played in giving this man's wife the exact same pain you are feeling now.<P>Somehow she waited this out and made it through and now welcomes him home. <P>Find some joy in this family coming back together.<P>Leave this affair of a marriage with grace and find someone who is free to love you. <P>Do this for yourself, you made a mistake and everyone deserves to be loved, faithfully.

Hi Kimber<P>In your profile you stated that your relationship was a result of an affair? Can you give some more info on the background, such as how long you two have been married, how long was H first marriage? How long were you and H together (affair period)before marriage. It might help to understand some of this. Do you and H share kids? Maybe someone who has been in your predicament will reply. Also, you could send a new question and title it so that people know the general topic, like "i married my affair partner," or something. You might get more replies. I will watch for your update and reply to you.<P>As far as the love part, it is extremely hard to let go when you are still in love. I don't think any of us really know how to do that, or we wouldn't be so darn miserable. If I knew I would definetly share that with you! <P>Prayers with you.

Thanks for all your advice. Background information...My H and I have been married just a year this past December. We have been together for 7 years--the first 2 of which he did this back and forth thing between his first wife and myself. His first marriage lasted 6 years and he left her with 4 small children--always paid child support and gave her extra money every month and purchased all the clothes and extras she ever needed. <P>They never argued in their relationship and she refused to work when he would ask her to get just a part time job--or she would get a job and call in sick all the time or not show up. This put much pressure on my H to support a family of 6 on just one income and basically gave up. <P>I was there for comfort--my H and his XW and my XH and me were all friends. I was having problems in my marriage and so was he and we found comfort in eachother. Started out in a sexual curiosity then turned to love for both of us. He did the back and forth thing because, this is what he told me, of the guilt towards his kids. After two years his XW found someone else and broke it off with him completely for good. She was very mean to him over the next years and did and said bad, bad things to hurt him and in return he disliked her alot. Now, she has gotten<BR>herself off welfare, broke it off with her<BR>live in boyfriend of 3 years, purchased a<BR>place of her own and told my H how sorry<BR>she was for all the mean things she did<BR>and she said, okay. Iam not saying anything bad about welfare mothers at all but she knew how to "use" the system and got every penny out of them. At one time she was being investigated for food stamp fraud. That is why I dislike her for what she did. I was a single mom for many years and didn't have the financial support from his Dad and tried to get help but couldn't because I made too much money at my job (under $20,000).<P>My H may have unresolved feelings for her, I don't know. All I know is that when we got married he told me he loved me with all his heart and soul and that he truly loved me. He cried when we were saying our vows (and he does not cry in front of anyone). When I asked after why he cried he just said our past years flashed before him with all our ups and downs and all the obstacles we've encountered and all the pain he put me through and he was so thankful I never stopped loving him and wanting to be with him. <P>I have been with his kids most of their young lives--his youngest is 8 years old and he has been in my sons life--he's 10 years old. He is missing him terribly too. <P>Question for anybody that can shed some light...why was I the last to know when he decided to ask me for a divorce? He told his<BR>bother, my XH, his XW and his kids--which the oldest, who is 12 years, cried, before even telling me. He called my XH the night before to tell him. I will never understand that. <P>Anyways, I hope I gave you some background info to help. I know someone responded and said I am now feeling the pain his XW did when we had our affair--yes, I am and it hurts more than I can explain. She pulled me aside this past October away from the kids one day when I went to pick them up and said there was nothing going on between her and my H, that she has no feelings for him, he had hurt her too many times and there would never be anything again. I believed her. When I confronted my H just a week before he left I point blank asked if there was anything going on and he said NO. He says the reason he stays over night at her house now is because its easier with the kids--he picks them up every morning and takes them to school--and he's staying at his brothers house and he needs to be out in a couple weeks. I asked if he was going to move in with her maybe in the basement and he chuckled and said that would never happen.<P>At times I feel I deserve the pain I'm getting because of the affair I had, but it dosen't seem to bother his XW anymore and she has moved past that. I invited her over to our house this past Christmas Eve along with my XH so all the kids could have their parents together and it seemed fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. His XW seems to have let go, moved on and forgiven me, but now I wonder. She had made a comment to my H that he told me when he told me he was leaving for a week that she never thought he would leave me. Do you think she was just waiting in the background until this happened? Is there hope that there can still be an "us" or is it over?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>They never argued in their relationship and she refused to work when he would ask her<BR> to get just a part time job--or she would get a job and call in sick all the time or not<BR> show up. This put much pressure on my H to support a family of 6 on just one income<BR> and basically gave up.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have a real problem with this excuse. They had four children under six; the youngest was a baby; and he complained because she didn't want to work? How did she even have time to sleep?<BR> <BR>

kimber<P>I really don't know how to respond to your post. I have a lot of mix feelings about the entire situation. However, I am not in a place to judge you. I do believe that we all make mistakes. But I also believe that we reap what we so. I was also a betrayer. I had a one night stand. I am sincerely remorseful and wanted so seperately to save my marriage. I say wanted, because after two years of giving my all I seem to have gone numb. I don't know if this is temporary but at least I don't feel as much pain. Sometimes I can't help but to wonder if is this my payback. I don't know if your marriage is going to last. I really don't. I can only empathize with the pain you expressed in your post. I really don't know what else to say. But I will keep you in my prayers. I hope you can find comfort in something that I'm saying. Sorry not much advice, but this is a tough one for me and I'm sure others. A lot of things you posted will touch a lot of people here, both the betrayer and especially the betrayed. Just know that you are welcomed here and that we will do our best to give you constructive advice. It's not always what you want to hear. <P><BR>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited February 14, 2000).]

Kimber,<P>I have to say Nellie is right. What kind of man cheats on his wife because she "won't" get a job, she gave him 4 kids, sounds like close in age by your descriptions. It is very hard for anyone to work with one child, let alone four. So by him giving up, what kind of person does that make him? OK so he paid child support and extra money, but that is a poor excuse to leave his wife and family behind. <P>Then for you to be able and trust him, how could you after he did that to his first wife, probably his first love, for a lot of us our first spouse is our first love. I would have been scared to death.<P>The crying on the wedding day, quite possibly could have been him thinking about x, you just don't know. And the ex wife may have moved on, and now that she is single, and he had problems with you, he is running again. Because he never dealt with his first marriage properly, he doesn't have skills now either. This is what he is used to doing. The thing is he now has a new respect for the ex wife. If they can talk again, she is filling a need of his. If he sleeps there once in a while, he is comfortable there. Also if he told other people before you, he probably was just getting opinions or something.<P>I feel bad that you are in pain. It is nice that the ex wife pulled you aside like that, but to be in a marriage where your husband leaves you and your four babies, expects you to get a job and goes with someone you all knew, that ex wife may have been shattered for years. So she may have done what she did to feed her kids, or scam the system, but she is paying debt back by taxes on her pay and her house. So at least she is bettering herself. I can't imagine how she did it because I was left with 3 kids and its tough.<P>I think you must take a long hard look at the relationship. Also, if he went back and forth for 2 years, he was obviously confused. You said ex wife broke it off when she found someone new. So that means, she made the final cut off. Leaving your H to go to you, but your H may not have ultimately chosen that path if his W stayed and put up a fight. <P>I would suggest you get some counseling for yourself, because it will help you deal with all this. There are people who will support you in your pain. And ask you advice based on your experience as well. I hope I didn't offend you as I truly had no intention. I am just telling you that if he did it to her, I can see how he did it again.<P> I really don't think it was good that he walked out on his family that way. Thats just the way it goes sometimes. As the ex wife will say she moved on, you may have to as well. Its hard but it can be done. If you want to save your marriage, then definetly get some counseling.<P>Pray, spend time with friends, don't let your child see you upset and keep posting on the site. People here will support you. Good luck.

Thanks for the feedback. What everyone is telling me is how I am feeling but I guess I don't want to accept it. <P>We tried marriage counseling together--a total of 5 sessions (3 joint and an individual one each) over a 2 month period. My H feels he did everything to save our marriage. I am in heavy counseling now by myself-3 days a week. I am on antidepressants because I can't sleep, can't eat (lost 30 lbs in 3 weeks) and my concentration is zero. I have major anxiety attacks and have been dealing with them too.<P>I don't let my son see me cry like I have in the past. I cry by myself behind closed doors. I know he hurts too and I try to talk to him about it but he dosen't say too much. He still sees his kids in school and they are all so close--always were and still are.<P>It just hurts so much knowing my H is over at his XW house as I write this spending VDay with her and his kids--I'm glad he's with his kids but it hurts knowing he's with her. <P>I know I will get through this someday, but until that day comes the pain is so horrible I just want to curl up in a ball and not face the world...but unfortunately I can't and have to move on. Still a little part of my heart says he will be back because he always has in the past but a bigger part of my heart says I need to let go. They always say "God will never give you more than you can handle"...well, right now it sure feels like it. Everyday is a struggle to get through and everywhere I look, things I hear, places I go by...they all bring back memories and its hard--so hard!! I think maybe this was God's way to show my H to get responsibility and support his family as a family and I bear the punishment of what I did 7 years ago and had an affair--will he be happy with his XW again? I can't answer that. Would we be happy back together again? I can't answer that one either. Do I trust him right now? I trust him in all areas but not with my heart. He had made the statement several times that he would never cheat on his wife again like he did in the past with his first wife. Maybe they are just playing it cool until the divorce is final and move ahead. Only time will tell.<P>Until later...Kimber

Kimber, <P>I am sorry for your misery tonite. I truly am. Be careful what you believe though, because if he did it to wife number one, he could do it to you too. You just have no promises now days a marriage doesn't mean much to some people. Its sad and it hurts and I know . I am disappointed in it all. Take some time and relax. You need to get some peace and strength to face this. What happens is for a reason, but we don't always know right away what it is. Good luck and prayers are with you. <P>