Help!<BR>My H is trying to work on our marriage with me after he fell "in-love" with a married co-worker (emotional affair only). For a while, it seemed like things were getting better (he was still very much up & down...seemd like every other day was a bad one), but on whole things were seeming hopeful.<BR>The last two weeks his biz travel has intervened, and we've had less time togther, plus the OP has been around his dept some (he shuts door to avoid her). But, now he says even before that all this it was getting worse, he just misses her so much, thinks our marriage won't work because of his feelings for her, and maybe he should just quit trying now, separate and see if she'd like to date. <BR>Back in October, when he told her of his feelings, she told him "I know, but you need to go home and work on your marriage." According to him, they haven't spoken of feelings since, have kept contact minimal and when unavoidable focused on biz ... but he says he can feel her thinking of him and knows she loves him.<P>Thoughts? Advice??? Is it unusual for withdrawal to get worse after a few weeks? <BR>All advice appreciated!!<BR>Kathi<P>I asked him to give it a little longer, and to try talking with Steve Harley w/me (am working now on setting this up). <P>

I am fairly new here and still trying to get myself aquainted with all the "steps" and ideas presented at this site.<P>However, It seems to me that as long as your H gets to/has to see this OP every day at work, he won't ever really be able to work solely on your marriage without any interruption. Yeah - it was somewhat admirable for the OP to suggest he go home and work on his marriage, but doesn't sound like they ever had any kind of real closure to that EA :-(. I would guess that until/unless that happens, his roller coaster days will continue.<P>Is there any way he could find another job somewhere?? Or perhaps take some time off (2-3 weeks at least - or possibly even short term disability) I know this is kind of drastic, but the only way he is gonna be able to keep his mind off this OP is to not see her for a prolonged period of time while he works with you on your lives together imho. Problem is if he is still emotionally attached, he will prob. get real angry if changing jobs is suggested.<P>Sounds like you are being pretty level headed in all you are doing so far - let us know what Steve says and what your husband's response is.<P>Wishing you the best of luck!<BR>PS<BR>

I am not experienced in withdrawal of the "affair" sense, but in other forms, yes I am . In what I have seen, withdrawal, will have ups and downs. He should not give up now. I agree, seeing OW is NOT good at all. How long has the EA gone on? Is there a possibility of a transfer?? Another department, building, anything?? Will be watching your replies.

He is in a career with few positions, but is interviewing for one Thursday. I agree that the fact there is no closure is a problem, but dk what to do abt it, other than encourgae him to go for this other job. <BR>I'm just concerned that he hurts so much he will give up. I also believe he thinks that separtaion won't make much difference since it hurt a lot when he was out of town for a 5 day biz trip...but I think it is not realistic to see a lot of change in such a short period of time.<BR>I'm really hoping things start to go better soon...<BR>Kathi

Kathi,<P>I'm sorry you have to go through this. I really don't know what to tell you about H. But at least he's being honest and you know what you are dealing with. I know this is a tough time for you and I really wanted to just let you know that you are in my prayers and thoughts. <P>Oh, and thanks again for the other night, It meant a lot that you stayed up a little later just for little ole me <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Kam: I always try to help people who's spouse is going trough withdrawal.. I have been there with my h, done that,, and finally conquered it.. YOu see, My h has said all the things your h has said and even worse.. His relationship with ow was very serious,, and it really seemed like an impossiblity for it to end because everytime my h tried to end it, he would go into withdrawal, and it sucked!!<P>Our story(quick version) I discoverd my h's affair March 99. H tried to break it off with ow,,,but worked with her and couldnt do it. I found out about continued contact, and asked him to leave 3 weeks after discovery. H moves out of our house, and signs a lease on an appt. with ow. (I was not speaking to him and was going to file for divorce). We divided our assets, discussed the settlement, H took his furniture out of the house. (at the time i did not know he signed a lease with ow).. I was kind of in a plan B without knowing it, as I had not read Harley's book yet. My h would call me an cry on our answering maching and page me and cry and tell me he loved me and missed me and that he knew he had screwed up. I did not give in,,but started feeling like I did not want a divorce,,but it still seemed so helpless.<BR>I find Harley's book, SAA.. I share with him about it... But I decide to remain in a plan B, because it was too painful for me. I write a plan B letter to him... He still tried to contact me,, i started blowing him off,, he got more and more worried. 3 weeks after my plan b letter he had broken the lease with ow and moved home... I thought eveything was going to be ok.. thought that he had experience life away from home and it scared him enough to never see ow again.. Well,,, no.. withdrawal had other plans.... and it was hard.<P>He saw her after 2 months to deal with money issues regarding the house.. wammo.. knocked him in withdrawal.. He cried so much,, he cried out loud,, somebody please help me.. It was terrible.. He would go back and forth from doing ok to bad withdrawal.. He would tell me sometimes there was no hope etc. It was horrible!<P>But this whole time he would be in withdrawal it did seem that he was making some progress, so I hung in there, and was plan Aing and trying to make home comfortable for him.. I backed way off and let him get through it. I did not ask questions, did not pressure him,, (it was hard).. But slowly, I could see things getting better, but he did back slide a few times, which is normal.. Finally in Nov.. it finally clicked with him and I really began to see some of the changes...... And now, he is wonderful, his old self, and even better.. it is true that most affairs die a natural death.. its a process and you just got to ride the storm out..<P>I think it is helpful if you h will read anything he can on the subject so that he at least knows what he is dealing with and what to expect.. that helped my h.. My recommendations are to let him read SAA, the parts about affairs and withdrawal. Private Lies chapt. 13,, Its great stuff!!!<P>Well,, good luck,, you can do this,,, I mean,, it was really really bad, and my h's affair was very serious, and we did it.. I know that anyone else can do it too.. Education is the key.. He needs to know what he is feeling and why and what he needs to do..<P>He does need to get away from her at work.. With my h, although he still works at the same police dept. as ow, he changed shifts to get away from her.. if he didnt, i dont think it could have been done,, in fact, I am positive.. I wanted him to leave the dept etc, but he said he could do it on a different shift.. it was harder but we did it..<P>i also wanted to add that during my h's worse withdrawal the ow bought a house right around the corner from us! Just to mess with him and tempt him and try to drive a wedge between us... It made it harder again,, but it also helped him realize she wasnt a nice person to do this to him and me.. Now we are selling our home and going to build a new one (we had just built the other one),, although financially it isnt the best move for us, we just want to put it all behind us and get the heck out of there. we have to drive by her house every day....<P>Please believe me that you all can do this.. This was a horrible situation, and now my marriage is very strong and we are healing together.. YOu can survive an affair!!!!<P>Good luck and let me know if you have any questions.