Last Friday, I printed all the posts that were sent to me and took them home to read them more closely. I kept reading some of them over and over. I began to cry because I felt that here are these people who do not even know me are wanting me to survive. Of course my paranoia kicked in and I asked myself "what's in it for them?" I waited for an answer and the reply came "nothing, they care" I was off Monday because my spouse, daughter and grandson were ill and I had to take them to the doctor, but I kept those posts in my head. Today, I looked again and there were more. My eyes are red and tearing up. Yes P.S. I read your post and listened to your kind words, LMS: It is not easy for adult child abuse survivors especially sexual abuse to get over the pain., Sparky Dog: I work in Blue Springs. I may take you up on it. The permit deadline is 02/24. You know how many deaths that have occurred in our area since January. I should be thankful that I am alive. Why am I not? Is something wrong with me? Why after all the meds,hospital stays, counselors etc... I have not made progress? Or have I and I just can't see it. I read each of the posts and I am trying to absorb every word, every encouragement, every kick in the A** to wake me up that every kind person in here is telling me. I have not been sleeping well and today I am exhausted. However, my spouse did hold me yesterday and told me that he did not want to let me go. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a school girl who just got kissed by the hot looking guy at school and I melted away. <BR> I am listening to you and working very hard to wait for better days, that light at the end of my dark tunnel. I have 8 more working days to pick up that permit. If I can keep my mind busy, I pray that I won't find myself driving to the Sheriffs dept. unwittingly. I have done that before and found myself at a gun shop. <BR>I will print the next set of posts and will take them home to read closely. I have shredded the first posts so no one will ever find out what I am doing. I am working on the paranoia as well.<P>My love and prayers to each and every one of you. And No, Sparky Dog, I don't want to be remembered as a bloody mess. I am trying only a day at a time.

Sobeit,<BR>Thank you so much for being here!! I have worried about you all weekend so much! Believe it or not, I need YOU too. I'm pretty new here and need advice all the time. Even though right now you think you can't give any, you can. You have been thru so much emotionally and yet you have made it. <P>Please stay far, far away from the sheriff's dept. Please do not pick up the gun permit.<P>No we don't have anything to gain by telling you how much we care except to let you know how much you mean to all of us. We love you!!!<P>And from what you said your husband loves you too. Believe him, please. I wish my husband would say that just one more time. You are so lucky to have him there with you. Please don't over look that.<P>Please keep posting to us. We want to help you thru this. Please don't give up on us. We definately will not give up on you!!<P>Love ya,<BR>Mitzi

Sobeit<P>I am so glad to hear that you are alright. Thank you for taking the time to let us all know you are OK. Stay as busy as you can before that deadline. I am here to talk also. I check the site all day long as I am in a really rough situation too right now. Be strong . You are in my prayers, Dana<BR>

Sobeit:<P>Oh, it's so good to see you on this board. I know each and every one of us, even through our troubles and trying times, were worried all weekend about you!<P>Please stay on the board! And stay away from that Sheriff's office! I can hear that faint gleam coming through your words. I hope in time that it'll just keep getting stronger and stronger.<P>We are all here for you! And as Mitzi says, we do all love you!

I am so glad to hear from you! I was out of town all weekend, but saw the post/replies yesterday and have been checking back to see that you are OK.<BR>I do not know your situation, but I bet you have made more progress than you can see right now. Sometimes it comes in really little increments. Sometimes it is "stored up" until enough growth accumulates and then the change is suddenly noticeable. <BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers--<BR>Kathi

I've been checking - hoping to hear from you.<P>We are your friends. We do love you. Keep in touch, please.<P>Lori

I'm so happy to hear from you. (sigh--relief) Stay encouraged. Your stronger than you think. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Ahhh Sobeit - it's great to hear your virtual voice again :-)))).<P>Everyone here has been thinking of you since Friday, and I for one am very happy to hear that you are still with us!<P>It was a great idea for you to have printed out all those posts to read over the weekend - I wish you had kept them instead of shredding them, but you can always go back and print them again - I think it would be important for those rough times.<P>2/24 will be a day we will all be thinking about for you - I fully expect you to be posting here on the 25th that you are back and will try to help all of us as much as we want to help you!<P>The feeling you had with your husband holding you is something you have to keep in your mind as much as you can - it was LOVE, and you need all of it that you can take right now - that's one of the reasons we are all posting here - we want to bombard you with love :-).<P>I bet you have made lots more progress than you can see right now - just the fact that your mind let you ask that question makes it probable that you have - but I know it is hard to see in those tough times.<P>I know you have tried docotrs, meds etc..., have you tried any kind of group therapy? It seems like it might be good for you to find a group of people in similar situations to confide in, learn from and help. I know that's what you are doing here, but it would be a great big step for you to do it in real life and expose yourself like that to real people in the same room as you. You would be surprised how few people going thru tough times would judge you - and you know what?? I used to always worry and concern myself with how other people viewed me etc... I don't do it near as much anymore, and it is a wonderful new world - every day I gain a little more self-esteem and self-respect by caring first and foremost for myself and my spouse. It doesn't mean I don't care about other people, because I do, but I want to be able to rule my own feelings now.<P>Keep posting Sobeit - we're here for you, and we need you to be here for us too.<P>Thinking of you and your SO - PS

Thank God!! I'm so glad you're here with us Sobeit. It's been a long few days for us here on the board. Morbid but true, I searched the KC Star online today for any "news" if that is what you would call it.<P>Sobeit, so much news has been made in the KC area about the death of Derrick Thomas, how he was a point of light, a great man who helped in the community and touched many lives. But if he had been wearing a seatbelt, he would be continuing to touch lives. You are at a similar crossroads, you can be remembered by those who love you or you can continue to touch the lives of those who love you. You are touching our lives as well, even if we don't "know" you. Please continue to touch our lives. Get whatever help you can.<P>My offer stands to help if you need it. Or if you want to give me the number to the sheriff's office, I'll call with "inside" information about your state of mind, anything to keep you from picking that permit up.<P>Just remember you are loved, by us and by all the people who know you.

Whew, thanks for posting again. I sent a message to you but my ISP kicked me off and I was lost in cyber-space.<P>I don't know enough about your story, but please let it continue a while longer. <P>A couple of nights ago my husband and I were both crying about a friend who committed suicide over 20 years ago. <BR>There will never be a time when we don't think of him and cry. Never underestimate the force you are in the lives of others.<P>Please let us know how you're doing.

sobeit -- <B>WHEW ! ! ! ! !</B><P>I really was glad to see this post when I checked in tonight. As many others have stated, you have been in the thoughts and prayers of all members of this forum over the weekend.<P>I'm really glad that you're still here.<P>God Bless

I was so glad to see you here today--I have been praying for you and will everyday, especially on 2/24. You will make it--you're a survivor,like most of us here. Sharing our stories makes us stronger and gives us a common bond. I really think everyone has been brought to this forum for a particular reason---we have the unique privledge to both help and be helped. Everyone cares so much--let us help you and when you are feeling better, there will be someone you can help. Don't give up!

Sobeit,<BR>thank god you are alright I have been checking every day and did this morning before my ISP went down (some idiot cut the phone line) but I live in Edgar Springs MO, if you need to just get away, email me and we will see what we can do for a weekend for us both away from it all,I would like to have your # so I can call and see how you are doing when you have no access to a PC we all held our breath all weekend just waiting to see your name on a post, you can email me any time ok,please feel free to, as you said it is hard to get over the pain but it helps deal with it when you know you are not alone, we are all here for you and I never want you to feel it is hopeless again. yes I may not know you on a one to one plane but I do need you here among what I feel has become a new part of my family I need each one of you every day to make it to the next so pleas dont give up.<BR>Love and prayers <BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

Thank God!!<P>Words don't come easily... but I thank God you are still here...<P>~Sheryl<BR>

Good morning sobeit,<P>I am glad you made it through the weekend. <BR>You wrote: "I began to cry because I felt that here are these people who do not even know me are wanting me to survive."<P>I hate to seem greedy here, at a time like this... but I, for one, want more than for you to survive! I want for YOU to WANT to survive!!!<P>Life can sure throw us some nasty loops. I think I know that better than the average feller. I've survived some really dirty nasty experiences and know the scars they can leave, so in a lot of ways I know where you are coming from, but for every pit, there's a grape, if you get my meaning, and you can always spit the pits out. (my, aren't we the philosophical one this morning... )<P>Anyway, one more thing... about waiting around for better days... what could you do to bring those days around quicker? I'm all for patience, but sometimes I believe you gotta decide what you want and just go get it!!! What are some of the things that give your life meaning? What are some of the things you'd like to do on this earth? Would you share with us?<P>\Deut