My daily schedule right now is: I get the kids up and ready for school and I'm gone from 8:15 AM until 4:45 PM. I arrive home, usually end up fixing dinner while W goes in to work. Me and the kids eat, we get homework done, get the kids ready for bed, have our prayer time and tuck them in. Then I clean the kitchen and then read or watch TV until W comes home and then I leave for work to post on this forum (or work) sometimes until 2:00 am (did that last night) then I go home and sleep at opposite ends of the same bed with W until morning when we start again.<P><B>Since she wants more space, this is my stategy for now:</B><P>We are basically avoiding each other. I only speak if spoken to or if necessary and I avoid eye contact unless I see that she has done so first. (see <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000724.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000724.html</A> for more background on this) It seems to keep the peace in our home. But it's not much of a life. And not many emotional needs being met. But it seems to have slowed the withdrawal of love units from both of our love banks. I've just started this strategy, we'll see what happens.<P>It just doesn't feel right. I feel I should be *doing more* but nearly every verbal contact is a LB. She gets irritated at hellos, goodbyes, complements, and any other non-essential communication. I've tried being cheerfull, and even that irritates her. She says it looks as if I'm oblivious to the problems we're having. I'm trying to give her the next best thing (from her point of view) to moving out, without moving out. Is this OK for Plan A?<p>[This message has been edited by hopefull_1 (edited February 16, 2000).]

Sorry...<BR>I so busy now I can't respond...<BR>... but I will later today...<P>So far so good...<BR>...remember... she defines what is a LB!<P>Working on the meeting of ENs... is much harder.<P>Jim

Hopefull,<BR>You wrote:<BR>"She gets irritated at hellos, goodbyes,<BR>complements, and any other non-essential communication. I've tried being cheerfull, and even that irritates her. She says it looks as if I'm oblivious to the problems we're having"<P>As Jim said, SHE defines what a LB is. If you are sure that all these things are negatives in your wife, then don't do them. The one thing that sticks out however is the "she says it looks as if I'm oblivious to the problems we're having." Are you missing something other than the "she wants her space" angle? Is this a cue for you? What other problems might she be referring to?<P>Is this an opportunity for you to reply with "Jane, I hear what you are saying. You think that if I am cheerful I am denying that we have some serious problems. I would like very much to address these problems but not if it means that you would feel pressured or angry in doing so. Right now I am doing the best that I know how and am trying to learn how to put my best foot forward for the kids without infringing (sp?) on your need for space. If being cheerful makes you uncomfortable, I will try to be more low-beat when you are around."<P>Not sure if not spending any time in the same house allows you to be in Plan A either. Isn't this kind of like a Plan A-B? (Which as I understand it doesn't work too well). Isn't this where you need to show your wife that you have changed, that you and only you truly can meet her needs? How can you do this if you are never in the same room or at home together? (I have no answers and limited understanding on how to deal with the above....)<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

It may be the best you can do for now...and it gives you a great chance of spending time with kids. Is this a new schedule or have you been at this for a while?<P>Does this allow work out time for you?<P>Kind of ironic that wife tells you she wants you to be more upbeat and then is irritated when you are cheerful. Shows how confused she is and why you should advoid any big decisions while she is so confused.<P>Maybe another answer is "Honey, I know we are having big problems...and I am addressing what I can work on alone and more than willing to work with you on the rest. I am just trying to do what I can to make it easier to get through each day. However, I will be less cheerful if that would make you more comfortable."<P>You are making progress. Aren't you feeling a bit more empowered?<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Faith Hope Love,<P>Empowered? Well, I guess, maybe a little. The work schedule has been happening for a few weeks. The social avoidance thing I've begun has just started since the I-want-you-to-move-out conversation. She has spoken to me more often and in generally less-angry tones since I've started this. Of course it's only about superficial stuff. But maybe, in a small way, this is progress. Time will tell I guess. (update) I got a smile from her today. Haven't had that in a *long* time.<P>This has not included time at the YMCA as of yet. The only time for that would be in the morning before everyone wakes up (5:30 - 6:30). I haven't been sleeping well enough to do that (staying up until 2 AM doesn't help either) but I hope to begin at some point.