Regina,<P>I've just read through all of your posts, trying to get a better idea of the background of your story. I don't know how much my advice will be of help to you, but I will give it a shot anyway... you will have to pick out the relevent parts and discard the rest...<P>I have a hard time accepting that he has no feeling for you. 20 years together... I cannot guarantee that they are the feelings that you want him to have, but sheesh, 20 years is a long time, you've been parteners in parenting, sharing so much and to me it's inconceivable that one can just pretend it didn't happen. So as for him not feeling anything for you... I don't buy it. It may be buried, or overshadowed by something else, but it's still there. I do believe that people can grow apart, but that does not erase feelings, or the trials and tribulations that you have faced together.<P>As for the fact that he feels he's done nothing wrong, that's a load of kack. I think that he knows full well he's done something wrong... but is afraid to acknowledge it, even to himself. To carry on an affair, you have to get pretty darn good at justifying things. He's probably not a 'bad' man (I'm assuming) so for him to break his vows and carry on an EMA, he has to make it acceptable, if you get my meaning. So he's woven himself an nice little fantasy and he's in it up to his earcaps. This, unfortunately is probably not something you can impact on an immediate basis. <P>As for the heart growing cold, I'd say that falls into the above category. As long as he can hold onto this fantasy (and I don't limit this just to the affair, I'm refering to his whole perception of your marriage, his feelings about it, etc) he doesn't/won't have to accept that maybe, recently along the big road of life he made a wrong turn.<P>Were there probs in the marriage previous to his EMA that could have led to this disolution of his perceptions of your relationship? If so, look past the affair and try to get to the root of it. IMHO, affairs are usually a symptom of some unhappiness that existed before. If you two have good communication, then this may be something you two can talk about; either together or in counselling. (would he be willing to go?)<P>As for his claim that he doesn't have the want to fix your marriage, that is not an absolute. One of my justifications was that our marriage was defacto finished anyway, that it was just a matter of one of us deciding to end it and move out. I had no real desire to stay with my W... sheesh, we were both so unhappy... why would I want to fix that? So that I could stay with someone who I quite plainly made miserable? Upon disclosure, I told my W that "no, I felt no guilt about my affair, only about hurting her." (yeek, I look back, and am quite ashamed to admit I said something so ludicrous) <P>Anyway, Dylan promtly went into 'plan A'. The end result was that the foundations for my justifications started crumbling away. She was a pleasure to be around; not always snarky and sarcastic... not always in a foul mood... I found that I enjoyed her company again in a way that I hadn't in about 3 years. (my EMA was three months, this summer)<BR>So, from a state of mind where I had completely given up on our marriage, I was swept back into wanting it to work, and I mean REALLY wanting it to work. <P>My advice, go read all about Plan A <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> and become an expert on it!!! <P>What Dylan did to me, (plan-Dylan) was to remove the pressure... you have to realize that anything that threatens your H's perception of his reality is going to be met with resistance. If he doesn't want intimite contact, don't push the issue, it will drive him further away. Don't threaten anyone. <P>And most of all, (probably the most difficult) don't take any of this personally. (I know, what a ridiculous thing for me to say... but hear me out) I seriously doubt if he is doing any of this with the intent of tearing your heart out. In all likelyhood, he is doing what he thinks he must do. What your goal should be is to, by going into plan a, throw him a little off balance. Get him to re-evaluate the basis upon which he has come to the conclusion that he must leave. The key to this is probably well before his affair started- by going back and gaining a better understanding of what led to the EMA in the first place, you have a better chance of impacting the situation.<P>Again, my understanding of your situation is rather limited, so you'll have to weed through this... more info would be helpful, but I also understand how anonimity is precious here. I sincerely hope that I offered some good advice here, or at least food for thought.<P>Deut
