I don't know what's going on with me,I thought once I decided to try the marriage, I would feel better. Like I had a focus,or direction. Instead I feel more unsure of myself than ever. I wonder if I made the right decision. I wanted to try, so that I could say I tried, and have no regrets. That's not a good enough reason it seems. I don't (imagine itailics) want to do this. I just wish I did, it seems that those of you who are rebuilding want the marriage. I don't know what I want. I read the post about love dying, and I feel like mine is buried under this enormous hurt. A weight too heavy to be lifted. One person said " I feel like I have to start over with a person I don't respect or trust and who is the person who hurt me. That's just how I feel. What a way to start! I don't know how you do it!!<P>What are your motivations? I just want to want this, do you know what I mean. It feels so empty. I want to tell him it's over until I want it. And if he moves on so be it. Should I just go with what I think? There are no answers for me, I can't find peace.<P>I know he is really sorry, but I know that will not last indefinatly. Time will pass and who knows, when he feels weak again....I wonder once you taste the lifestyle, do you always want that in the deep resesses of your mind? Or even in the fore front. I don't know if I want to take that chance.<P>Any insight?

The other day, someone responded to one of my posts with this statement and it has stayed in my mind. It has helped me so maybe it can help you understand why.<P>This is a copy of the post<P>********************************************<BR>Try to make sure that your feelings are based on "I can't" or maybe even "I don't want to" and not "Why Should I?" Your entire family deserves that. <P>This may sound harsh, but I don't mean it to be. I battle with "Why Should I?" every conscious moment, but sometimes my answer to that is "Because I Can" and even sometimes "Because I Want to". When you say "Why Should I" you are basically saying "My decision not to is a way of punishing you" and that will slowly destroy your heart and soul.<BR>*********************************************

Dear Crushed, <BR>When I was reading your post, I instantly looked back to my past (not long ago - just about 6-9 months ago) with my fiance. I had the same feelings as you do at the moment... He cheated on me a dozen times (you must think I was so sick to have stayed in such cheating relationship for 2 years !!!)<BR>Every time I found out his lies and confronted with him, I said to myself, "I must leave him, I have to dump him tomorrow." However I stayed. I always asked myself, "Why should I stay with a man whom I cannot trust anymore. I always suspect whenever he tells me he is going out or whenever I cannot reach him by his cell phone...etc." I was living in a world of suspicion for a whole year (we have lived together just about one year until 6 six days ago I moved out - really walked out from this relationship)<P>I thought about leavhing him soooooooo many times, not because I don't love him, I still love this man (even now) and also feel pity to over the relatinship in which I had put so much effort and devotion in; but because I feel we were easting each other's time to stay in a meaningless relationship - he cannot stop having sex with other women, and I canot trust him and cannot change my moral standard to accept his so-called 'just-for-lust-behaviour'. Neither of us would seem to change - then why still be together ? A relationship is totally meaningless when there is NO TRUST. How can you stay with someone you cannot trust ??? Is 'trust' part of your problem with your husband ? Of course, if he really tries very hard and with sincerity, he can help you to re-build your trust in him - but he has to pay a lot of effort and you have a heart to accept his sincere attempt. <P>You said your husband is sorry and remorseful... better than my fiance - he thinks he is a real masculine man, he thinks he is not yet married to me, he thinks it is his freedom to see any women he likes while he is still "SINGLE" - well, but I don't believe he would be 100% faithful even if he marries me - that's what I say "NO TRUST". <P>We both lived in pain in the last month because I always suspect him and thus took a very close and intense surveillance on his computer activities (he dates women all through the internet),,, he has to close his internet programmes while I am at home - you can imagine the situation - he feels hs is always under supervision; and I always suspect. NO WAY OUT. He feels pressure and stress and I feel betrayed. So finally I asked for separation and said, "It's good for you and for me." He agreed. <P>So, if you are really not happy in a relationship and see/think no hope to make it better, I think you should consider if you should leave it behind and move on to a new life. Of course I wish you have a very nice relationship/marriage. Good luck. <Vicky>

Hi Crushed,<P> YES, I know how you are feeling and have had those thoughts many times in the last 8-9mos... Somehow, the thought of the way my H used to be and also the devastation a D would be to my kids have kept me here...I guess I have alot of hope. <P> I feel like my H is finally coming around and those hostile feelings I had towards him are fading. There are no guarantees that it won't happen again but I feel like I've given it my best shot and won't tolerate it again....hang in there, how far are you in recovery ?, it is definitely harder than I ever thought it would be but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.....LU

I'm living in your "neighborhood" as well. I think from reading on the boards so long, as well as numerous books that our reaction is fairly common. You fight so hard for your marriage, are heartbroken so often that when it seems like it might actually work, you hesitate and wonder what exactly it is you've acomplished.<P>I'm making myself take some time. 2 weeks. (after 2 years, what's a little more...hmmm?) Not to do anything on my part to deteriorate the marriage, get some breathing space (yes, the word "space" makes my hair stand on end, that's what my H always said he needed when he was resuming the affair)...but it's hard, and I have to concentrate every day not to bolt and do something foolish, but instead truly examine my life and God's will. I don't want to be foolish and have the marriage end because of ME, but I'm so tired of the pain, confusion, lies...anything seems preferable, even new & different hurt.<P>I've always said that setting your goals and working toward them is a major part of MB & saving your marriage, saving yourself. I'm looking at my goals to make sure that is still what I want and when I set, or re-set my new goals, that is what I will work toward.<P>In the past long months, no matter how I felt, my goal was to do nothing that would get in the way of having my marriage back. My personal opinion is that it is better to do right than go on how you feel as feelings change so very often.<P>Best wishes.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)

Crushed,<P>I know EXACTLY how you feel. We meandered our way through books and counselors until we found out about this program.<BR>Please visit web site: <A HREF="http://www.retrouvaille.org" TARGET=_blank>www.retrouvaille.org</A> <P>It is here that you will find out the answer to your questions. Read the articles in the: Partners who were unwilling to attend a Retrouvaille program. It really was enlightening for us.<P>____________________________________________<BR>When you said "Time will pass and who knows, when he feels weak again....<BR>___________________________________________<P>Your Husband will have the answers you need after this weekend. He will better understand himself. And, the two of you will better understand which direction you are headed.<P>It's one of those things in life that you can say:"it sounds too good to be true" But it is true.<P>Waiting is the worst thing you can do. You won't find PEACE that way. When I thought about "I don't know if I want to take that chance"......I told myself "what ELSE is there to lose?". There really was nothing at that point. Don't wait....peace doesn't come on it's own. Becoming NUMB does...and then that creates more problems.<P>Don't let yourself become NUMB! Look at the web site.<P>I can soooo relate to what you are feeling!! I just wish someone would have given me this advice earlier on. If you have kids- you need that Peace to give them peace at home. And kids don't have to be that old to feel the impact of what's going on.<P>

Crushed, <P>My heart goes out to you. Can I say though, I wish I was in your shoes!! . I can't offer advice, until someday I am in your shoes, (lets all pray!). But I can tell you that if I were you, I would take a moment to think all this through and really focus on YOU. What do YOU want. Prayers with you. Dana<BR>

Thanks to all that replied to my post. There is alot to think about. I do struggle with the "punishment" part alot. I think I am letting him get away with it sometimes, like what would stop him from ever doing this again, once it all cools down. It is the hardest thing I have ever done as you know too well. My counseler said today that it's not my job to punish, I should leave that up to God. He sees that I have held my h deeply accountable and I am not a weak doormat, that I sometimes feel like. It's funny how others perceive us. I know I have to do what is best for me, yet thats just the problem, I don't know what I want. I did the numb thing for a while and that didn't help, I just have to let things fall as they may I guess. I know I can't trust my feelings. <P>I will look into that retrovaille thing, the web site was very interesting, thanks for your help. That was something I always wanted to do before, but never made a real effort to go. Maybe I should go, it sounds like I could find the answers I am looking for. I'll keep you posted.<P>Thanks again,<BR>Crushed

Hi Crushed.<P>I can relate. I think you refered to my "Love is fading" post. It is so hard. I don't like the way I feel about my H. I used to love his so compeltely. It was truly the best thing in my life and it kills me that he did not value it enough. That he sold us down the river because his self-esteam was so low that he found in necessary to fill the hole in his sole with another woman.<P>In my case this happened right after my H Dad died. (OK time for the violins) He had cancer and I worked so hard to be a supporting and loving wife to him at this time. I went to the hospice with him everynight for 6 months to visit his Dad. I spoke for him at his Dad's funeral when he could not bear to do it. I dropped 2 of my classes to spend time with him both during his dad's illness and after his Dad died. And yet only 3 weeks after his Dad passed away he kissed OW. It continued as an EA for a year and he lied and lied to me about it.<P>What a kick in the pants. I understand that we all have weak moments but if this is the price I have to pay everytime he comes up against a difficult time then maybe I am better off leaving. At the risk of sounding eqotisitcal, I and everyone here on this board deserve more. At the moment, I don't have that spark for my H. I really want to feel that way again but I need the same answers you do to regain that love-as well as some love bank deposits. I hope our H's come through for us. I imagin divorce sucks.<P>Regards,<BR>Acacia

to Acacia,<BR>Yes I did respond to your post re: love fading. It is a sad fact that it happens. Your story is so sad, I'm sorry this happened to you, are you together? I don't mean to up one it, but when you talked about a kick in the pants....I put my h threw 4 years of college, supported the family with a very stressful job, that contributed to my depression, got real depressed, suicidal, the works, and he rewards me with 5 affairs. He was "running" from his problems. I encourage him to go to school in the first place, did all the paperwork, everything but go to class, which in retrospect, I should have as the first one was a class mate, UGH. I hate this. Can't we just go to the beach and forget all this mess? Anyone game?